Author Archives: Guus

Self analysis, question 52

Today I still didn’t feel good, but somehow I realized I made some progress as I found a sponsor for my twelve steps program of Coda and somehow I started participating in the meeting again today after quite some time of just listening and not saying anything.

And the progress is related to that I am starting to realize that codependency is a terrible thing, that it is causing enormous damage, not only for me, but also for my environment. And right now, while writing, I am starting to realize that it is not my fault that I am codependent, that it is not (all?) my fault what has happened in my life, what is happening in my life.

Yes, strange that codependency is so little known where I presume it is omnipresent and that many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly. And believe me, the damage is enormous, more than I could ever imagine. But they say there is a cure, so it is time to start working more seriously on dealing with it, even though I may never be cured, like an alcoholic always will be an alcoholic. And that is hard to deal with, but somehow today I felt hope again.

But I didn’t want to write about codependency. I just wanted to continue with the self analysis questions and today’s question is “What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?.

And of course I have seen this question before, and answered it. But right now I am not sure what is my greatest worry. I guess right now my greatest worry is to get old and have nobody to take care of me. As right now my partner is not here and that has been for quite a while already and that makes me realize how important family is, no matter how you define family. As when you are old you need people who take care of you, at least I guess most people who get old in the end can’t take care of themselves anymore like cooking or shopping or washing or dressing.

So why do I tolerate it? Well, I’m not sure if I ‘tolerate’ it, but recently I have been thinking a lot about what to do and where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out. And I can’t really decide on that until now. Somehow I just want to ‘run away’, but of course that doesn’t work. You always bring yourself with you. And that also made me decide the last few years to just stay here, in Malasag, as running away doesn’t solve anything.

And that brings me to my second worry: no money. And that is a very serious worry as for quite some time I have not been able to earn money or acquire it in other ways, even though until today I was always able to eat and pay my daily needs, or actually more, as I don’t really live a very poor lifestyle.

So why do I tolerate that? Well, I don’t really tolerate it, but I just don’t know any solution to solve my ‘money problem’. But while writing I realize I am not as worried about it as I was before, even though my cash and/or incoming funds would only last me for one or two months, and that is not a lot.

And If feel a bit like writing bullshit above, but this is just what came into my mind. So I guess this is my self analysis for today.

And yes, still looking forward to comments or other thoughts, but somehow that didn’t really happen a lot yet, except from some friend(s).

Self analysis, question 51

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I am still scared, scared of people. So today’s question,

“Who among your acquaintances

a. encourages you most

b. cautions you most

c. discourages you most?”

somehow scares me, not in the last place as I feel I have no friends.

But the question mentions acquaintances, so let’s start there.

And related to (a) I can’t imagine anyone encouraging me. So that’s a quick answer.

And with who cautions me most the first thing that comes to mind is my mam. And the second my partner. But they are not acquaintances.

And who discourages me most is my partner.

So a strange post today, strange answers.

So the main thing may be is what I am going to do about it. As this doesn’t sound good.

Fake it

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I still don’t feel like writing here anymore, so what was in my mind today was what to do with that. And the answer ‘fake it’ came to me, although of course that is not a solution in the end.

And the ‘fake it’ I encountered at least two times, once when I read or heard about a priest who did not believe anymore in God. And he was advised to just ‘fake it’ (in order to keep his job etc.).

And I also heard it in a movie. Forgot the name, but it was a spy movie with Al Pacino as one of the main characters.

Anyhow, I can’t keep faking it, so I have to find some kind of solution to keep writing here.

And the best thing is to achieve success, as that is what the site is all about in the end.

Self analysis, question 50

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Today’s question often makes me guilty, especially lately, as I believe I don’t spend enough time on work, on earning money. But maybe I’m too hard on myself as I also consider a hard worker and someone who doesn’t give up.

So let’s answer the question

“How much time out of every 24 hours do you devote to:

your occupation
sleep
play and relaxation
acquiring useful knowledge
plain waste?

And the first one I am most scared about as I did not spend a lot of time on ‘real work’ lately, like internet marketing or finding customers for my business. But I have spent a lot of time on meeting people and moving around to get my DoctorsConnect project going. And what makes me believe I don’t spend time on my occupation is that I often have to travel and wait a lot in order to meet the people I want to meet and that time doesn’t feel like ‘work’. But of course it is part of ‘work’, even though it also involves time in e.g. bars and also enjoying time meeting people (for pleasure).

So if I look at it, I may indeed spend only something like 4 hours per day on ‘work’, on occupation. But if you count all the work related to also my project and sales and promotion I guess it is closer to ten or maybe even twelve hours a day. And that often feels like too much, meaning I don’t have a lot of time left for play and relaxation.

Related to sleep I guess in general I sleep eight to ten hours per day, even though lately it is often less than that, maybe something like seven hours. Main issue here is that I often can’t sleep and often end up wasting my time on ‘tablet use’ after going to bed.

Time spent on play and relaxation is maybe one or two hours a day, although most of that may even be counted as ‘plain waste’ as I often just watch TV or keep browsing Facebook and Google and such. Main issue here is that I kind of lost the feel about ‘play and relaxation’ as I have been so focused on earning most of my life, also because for most play and relaxation one needs money, that I can’t imagine anymore how to play and relax. Ah, and the main reason I guess is that relaxing for me means traveling or meeting friends. And I don’t have money for travel and I still don’t seem to have friends, people who want to be with me.

Yeah, what about acquiring useful knowledge? I don’t spend a lot of time on that as I believe I know most of what I want to know. Still, I guess somehow I do acquire useful knowledge on the way as I search a lot of things in Google and such. Time spent on acquiring useful knowledge per day? I guess one hour or less.

And then plain waste. I guess I spend something like four hours a day on plain waste, just doing nothing. And the main thing here is I don’t have focus, I don’t know where to put my energy to be successful or reach my goals. So often I just don’t know what to do. And this is I guess my major problem on my way to success, on doing what I want, on achieving what I want. That I just don’t know how and that my history has proven that things just don’t work, at least not the things I know. So does this mean that I need to spend more time on getting to know more about achieving success? But I already have the feeling I spent a lot of time on that, including building this whole site with related research and reading ‘success’ and ‘self help’ stuff. So that is not the way.

Anyhow, let’s see how the above adds up:

Occupation: 10 hours
Sleep: 8 hours
Play and relaxation: 1-2 hours
Acquiring useful knowledge: 1 hour
Plain waste: 4 hours

Total estimate based on my feeling: 24-25 hours. Wow, didn’t expect that to add up to something like 24 hours, so I may know more about myself than I thought and/or am better at estimating time than I thought.

Enough is enough

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I had a pretty bad tooth ache today which made me finally give in and just put me on the couch, suffering pretty much and not knowing what to do.

But that lying on the couch made me realize that often I am just too much, do too much, try too hard like not going the extra mile but going twenty extra miles. As I just felt so bad that I couldn’t do anything anymore from a human point of view.

But no, after maybe ten minutes I still couldn’t sit still, lie down and just relax, give my body some peace so I got up again and fortunately found me a better painkiller than the paracetamol I had been using over the day (that didn’t help so much, or only for a short while).

So after that the pain went mainly away and I could do some things again, like finishing my daily planning.

But I did decide just now that I wouldn’t continue with the self analysis questions or write an decent inspiring quote here, that it was and is just time to rest.

So well, I can’t withstand the habit of writing here, but I can (and should) keep it short, even though while writing I feel a little uncomfortable as maybe I am writing posts too easily recently, and that too may be a habit. And the last may not be a good one.

But for now, enough.