Tag Archives: Action

Self analysis, question 21

Question 21 of the self analysis questions is “Do you neglect internal bathing until auto-intoxication makes you ill-tempered and irritable?”. And while writing it down I realize that also this question is stated a little different than the question that is in my mind. As in my mind is something whether I do internal bathing, but not the idea of neglecting, the prevention.

So yes, I allow myself internal bathing, but normally only when it is too late, when I am already sick or down or ill-tempered or irritable. And this is a similar thing to that I realize that I don’t know how to meditate, or at least I didn’t find a way to meditate, where I realize that all successful people seem to spend quite some time meditating.

But again, planning is not my strength, but yes, this question really makes me think that I need to put more time and effort to internal bathing and meditation as otherwise I will probably not be successful.

So what are small steps? Maybe first somehow include it in my daily planning and maybe just research something about what meditation methods are available so I can find one that suits me. And maybe put a regular reminder about whether I took the time to do some internal bathing.

Self analysis, question 20

It can’t be but I must be making progress as I have been very serious answering these questions, but somehow it doesn’t feel like that still often. Well, let’s go with question 20: “Would you call yourself a ‘spineless weakling’ if you permitted others to do your thinking for you”?

And I guess that is a good question for today as I was very down as things didn’t turn out as I wanted them to be or actually I can’t get people to do what I want. And that frustrates me as apparently I am not able to induce people to do things (that I want). Or I am still not able to induct people.

And the main thing that made me feel down was that my partner in the DoctorsConnect project, even the initiator of the project, didn’t want to celebrate our launch or even the 90 day birthday of our project. And I had been pushing to do at least ‘something’ today, the day we targeted as the launch date for DoctorsConnect, but in the end last night he really didn’t seem to want to do anything.

And for quite a while I knew we would not be ready for a big launch with inviting doctors and such, but to me doing at least something today, even if it were just a lunch or dinner together or even having cake together would have been enough, but no, my partner didn’t want it and just wanted to postpone the launch.

And there are several big issues here, as this is the second time we didn’t make an important deadline as we also agreed on January 25, 2015 there would be ten doctors using the system. And if it would have been five or even just one I could have lived with that. But until now we still don’t have any doctor using the system, meaning we are far behind schedule.

And I know I also didn’t deliver everything as promised, at least not always in the required quality. But also today I delivered one of the things that according to my partner was missing in the system. And I am not even sure if he noticed.

And I just looked back at the question of today and I realize it may be time for action. As this just doesn’t work, at least not for me. So maybe start thinking and deciding for myself.

Self analysis, question 14

A bit a weird question to me today: “Are you permitting some relative or acquaintance to worry you? If so, why?”. And the first thing that comes to me now if the question is about me worrying about someone else or someone else worrying about me. And of course I am quite sure it is the first, me worrying about some relative or acquaintance.

So am I worrying about some relative or acquaintance? Well, I guess not, although I think I did more before.

Or could it be it is meant that the behavior or opinion of someone would be worrying me. And I guess that is the case and it goes back to previous questions that I have obligations to other people I don’t like and I can’t fulfill which makes me very embarrassed and indeed makes me worry about that.

So why am I not addressing that? Well, because I still believe things will get better, even though for the last ten, fifteen years they only got worse.

And yes, these worries affect me a lot, even though I pretend they are not. Or somehow I push them aside, try to ignore them. But yes, these things affect me, affect me a lot.

So what is the weakness here, what is there to improve?

Maybe I should indeed address the issue in a way that it wouldn’t worry me so much anymore, as indeed, worrying about things is killing.

And I still don’t know what, but these questions are starting to make me think more, think about issues I don’t want to solve, things I postpone, things I don’t make decisions about.

Self analysis, question 5

The question “Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so, why?” is a tough one to answer in public, as since that question is in my mind I realize there are quite some people I avoid or am scared of.

So I am not fully sure if I deliberately avoid the association with people, but I do deliberately avoid people because I am scared of them. And that kind of worries me, as it means I have issues I am avoiding, issues I don’t want to deal with. And it means that I lack self confidence, lack courage to deal with things I am not proud of, mistakes I made.

So do I also deliberately avoid the association of anyone? I guess so, but right now I don’t remember any specific sample of that.

So maybe go back to the avoidance of certain people, which I certainly do. And I have one specific person in mind I am avoiding as I am keeping a secret from her. Or actually I am not literally hiding something from her, but I feel very uncomfortable she doesn’t know something.

So what am I exactly scared of? Well, I guess of losing more than I already lost, especially the house. So this does go back to the fear of poverty.

And I am not fully sure if I should tell my secret, as it may just create the thing I am scared of, even though I realize recently my problem became worse where I have been working on solving this issue last year, but recently I ran out of money again, causing more and more problems, where I thought I was on the way solving them.

So well, tough question, at least the issues it brings into focus with me.

But the whole thing still goes back to things I think I cannot control, like money coming in, having income. And that is where the ideas of Napoleon Hill are conflicting with my experience, although he mentions things related to my situation, like you may be forced to temporarily be dishonest.

So there is some big issue here, as this question makes me feel very uncomfortable and might touch the basics of my (current) problems.

And not sure how to continue now, except the word courage comes into mind. And the word doubt, related to the ‘not sure’ I just wrote.

So work to do here, as there are certainly answers around my avoidance of certain people. And related to that avoidance of looking at problems to be solved.

Self analysis: question 3

Question 3 in the self analysis questions is “Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?” is a question I never really understood as I didn’t believe I made so many mistakes, but recently I noticed that while programming I often use some kind of trial and error message and while starting this post right now I realize I made lots of mistakes, big mistakes, otherwise my business would be thriving right now and not technically bankrupt.

So maybe there is some more to this question than I initially thought, maybe especially thinking of the small programming mistakes I make, at least for now. The large business mistakes I think I need to think a bit more about before writing about them or analyzing them properly.

And the programming mistakes are just related to that that seems to be the fastest way to develop websites, web applications, programs, at least with PHP, the scripting language I use. And it is strange, mentioning PHP, or even using it, as it is kind of the worst programming languages in existence. Or actually it is not even a programming language, it is some kind of script interpreter where ‘anything is allowed’, the worst way of programming in existence, contrary to more formal and real languages like Pascal (the language I learned first) and Java, a more recent, very strict, programming language.

So how I use it is kind of write or change one or a few lines of code, then see if it works and then repeat the process. And apparently that is the fastest way, at least for me, to develop code, to develop the stuff I am making the things I am good at. But with this question in mind and with the idea that I was taught to do something right the first time my method of developing software, my working method appears to be a bit strange. As most code I write has many errors the first time, which I just solve by testing the result and solving the errors.

And thinking further my way of programming is also very weird, as normally one makes some kind of design, preferably written down and discussed with the customer, where I just see the thing I want to build, am building in my head, through my imagination, at least the structure, and then just build it. And recently I read a book about cognitive science and when reading that book I realize I build software, websites, web applications as an expert, as I can’t tell you or anyone else how I do it, I just do it, I just ‘see’ in my head how it is supposed to be and then I build it.

So why do I make so many little mistakes, and also bigger mistakes, sometimes kind of fatal (programming) mistakes that sometimes show up much later, where fatal means that customers or website users would see them.

Well, I guess the why is that I believe that it is the fastest way of building the stuff I make. Or the most efficient. Or the cheapest. As I can type fast and program fast and with that fast pace it is often the fastest way to accept errors and correct them after testing, after checking if it works or not.

But anyhow, the question made me think about the enormous amount of typing and small programming mistakes I make. And that is okay, as it works for me. But right now the question is triggering another question: if I also make so many mistakes in other areas of my life and if that would also be acceptable or the fastest way.

So that is something to think about further, analyze further. But not now.

Thanks for reading and of course comments are very welcome as usual.