Tag Archives: Happiness

Unreasonable and angry

My partner was just very angry and unreasonable and fortunately I was able to stay calm, even though I gave in in the end to something he wanted, even though I did not agree. And I always give in as I don’t know any other way (yet).

So I found myself kind of frustrated and also with some kind of withheld, even though slowly I see that this is just what he believes, his view how the world should be, like me supporting and serving him in everything. And I know in general I do much more than he does. And mostly I don’t mind as that’s how he feels (and I feel). But no, not easy if you feel there is so little coming back, that many of my needs are not being met.

But yes, I’m learning how to deal with things better. And my recent actions around planning, learning to plan, sticking to my daily plans, just doing the things I planned for today and not doing the things I planned for tomorrow or next week, help me. So yes, applying the principles of success like sticking to decisions and making a planning and writing things down and trying to listen to Infinite Intelligence, my inner voice, are slowly helping me to be more happy. As I guess in the end that’s what it’s all about.

So while sending my daily quote I played some music I liked. And I realized that this music, this kind of violent, aggressive music has been made by people who are ‘in flow’. So I saw the drummer and the singer and the mixer in my mind doing their thing, creating this beautiful thing they call music that I can play right here, just touching some buttons and dials. And I tried to suck in the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger of my partner an hour or so ago. And at first I tried to let it flow,flow out again, but it made me even feel more empty. But then I realized I was just empty and that it was OK to just let it in, suck it in, filling up the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger and unreasonable demands of my partner. So apparently taking in anger takes energy, an enormous amount of energy.

And yes, I know that just giving anger in return, getting angry at the other person, especially with my partner, just will make things worse, like fighting fire with fire, which in general is not a good idea, although of course sometimes it can be an option.

So then, while resting a bit from work, I tried to find some diversion and thought I might just check quotes related to ‘deal with anger’. So I ended up in Google seeing something like:

“The first key to leadership was self-control, particularly the mastery of pride, which was something more difficult, he explained, to subdue than a wild lion and anger, which was more difficult to defeat than the greatest wrestler. He warned them that “if you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead”.” ― Jack Weatherford.

And it appealed to me so I went to quotes about anger management and found the quote I sent today:

“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Laozi.

And of course the ‘never angry’ is unreasonable, as humans are humans. And I guess I still have a lot of pride. But it seems I’m on the right way, becoming a better human being, maybe able to lead others to a better world and more happiness.

But it’s not always easy.

So what do you want to be? A leader or a follower?

About change

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My partner always wanted me to change. And I never understood. And maybe he meant something else than what I understand now. And maybe I am not realistic. But I think I did change, and I did change in a positive way. As before with expensive things I often thought (and said): we can’t afford it. But right now I am much more careful and today’s test drive with a Subaru or maybe even buying one is more of a step on the road to my dream car, a black Mitsubishi Pajero, highest diesel type with manual transmission than something ‘I can’t afford’ or something ‘impossible. So even if I don’t have any clue where to get the money, not ‘even’ for a Subaru or any car at all, I did enjoy our visit to the local Subaru dealer and today’s testdrive with a Subaru XV.

Dreaming about cars

And I enjoyed these visits especially as I realized that Subaru still builds cars in a non-conventional way, with a boxer engine and four wheel drive and only available with gasoline engines. And especially while watching the engine bay a few days ago I had the feeling these cars are really built with love, unlike many other cars available in The Philippines who mostly look like efficient work horses. And driving it today made me realize that the car industry had really matured since I was a teenager as this car I was driving today was smooth and simple and still fun. And it was all even for free. And yes, it made me kind of realize again that I am supposed to drive cars, enjoy cars while driving, as I kind of play with them, they do what I want to do.

And yes, you may think I’m crazy, but indeed, looking at things in a positive way, just enjoying what’s there without really thinking about ‘buying’ or ‘owning’ or ‘money’, made me feel very happy. And i’m sure the people around me felt that.

Bread and circuses

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One of my biggest questions is still what people really want, especially what younger people want, what youth wants. And as I have visited quite some internet cafes recently it seems that young people, students just want to play games, computer games, internet games, as most of the people around me in this internet cafe seem to play computer games or internet games.

And I have thought about that quite a lot recenlty, as I remember that when I was a student there was I time that I was also addicted to a computer game. And that in later periods in my life I also played games quite a lot, although in the end, mostly after months, I will get bored with it, so right now, recently, I didn’t really play that much.

But looking at my goals, my desires, in the end I also just want to ‘play’, want to relax. And recently also realized that many things people do business wise is to entertain people, serve people in their spare time. And that indeed virtually anything that is being produced or sold is mainly focused on entertainment, of course next to things for daily needs like food and household items.

And this brought me back to the old Roman quote “Bread and circuses” (or “bread and games”). And I just read in Wikipedia that that is mainly related to politics, like keep the people happy in a simple way.

But going back to the subject of what people want I am indeed really wondering what people really want. And maybe I should just see if I can find some statistics about that as for now I basically have my own reference and some feedback I got from some of my friends. But that feedback is often very limited and confirms what Napoleon Hill states, that most people don’t have a definite purpose or a goal in life. Mostly I hear people say if I ask them what they want, what they want in life very simple common things like ‘a family’ or ‘enough money to support me and my family’ or ‘a happy life’. So indeed hardly any of the people I asked have clear definite goals they want to achieve, let alone dates and plans related to them.

And also looking at myself I am slowly starting to realize why most people are where they are. They are where they are because they are not very specific about what they want, where they want to be. So they are indeed where they intend to be: nowhere.

And that makes me often think about the quote from Alice in Wonderland who is at a crossroad and asks someone whether she should go left or right. And the other person or creature asks where she wants to go. And she says something like “I don’t know” and then (of course) the answer is “then it doesn’t matter whether you go, left or right”. And the more I think about it, this is so true. And this is where most of us I guess end up, including me at the moment, although I think I am a little bit further than the majority of people.

But all that I know about goals and timing and plans makes life much easier for me, as right now I don’t have any clear short term timescale or plans. So often I don’t really move so much, don’t take much action. And before I would mostly kind of blame myself for not doing anything. But right now, when I am in a place where I think I don’t want to be, I often realize how I got there. Just by doing the things I did, making the choices I made. And indeed, I am starting to believe that uninspired action, action without a specific goal, is quite useless, maybe indeed harmful to get us where we want to go, where we want to be. As uninspired action may indeed just get us further away from our goals than we think.

so yes, be happy where you are right now. Because you are where you are because of the things you did and the choices you made. And you may have quite some hidden desires that stop you from reaching goals that you think you have. Like in my case one of my implicit goals is to stay in The Malasag House in Cagayan de Oro City. And that limits my options and defines my choices. But it’s a very important, even though quite hidden and unspecified goal. As The Malasag House is my home and I don’t want to leave my home anymore as I did before, and realized I lost my home only afterwards.

So what are your goals? And what are your hidden goals? You may be closer to where you want to be or may just be where you want to be if you look at all of this closely.

So be happy where you are and start from there if you want more or something else.

Living in the now

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Motorstar Hawk II
I woke up very late with a terrible mood and I couldn’t really figure out why as I drank only one drink with alcohol last night and had water and some coke after only. And it meant that I might not be able to fetch our motorcycle that had been in the shop again for a week as I did not find the time to pick it up as it might not have been repaired. Or actually I was just scared going there, as last time they didn’t want to help me anymore because they don’t know what to do as this motorcycle has some weird quirks and actually just needs to be replaced.

So while walking down many, mostly negative, thoughts entered my mind, worries about my debts, worries about not having enough work, and related to that not having enough money and all those bad things that might happen when I would face my motorcycle troubles and the staff in the motorcycle shop.

And suddenly I realized that I was walking down this beautiful road in a beautiful environment with trees all around me, an environment that I always imagined, but would be impossible in The Netherlands as that type of forest does not really exist anymore. And I realize just now that I always imagined a house in the forest and that I have that now, something impossible before. So again, be careful what you wish for, because mostly you’ll get it. Of course I didn’t imagine the troubles and the debts I am experiencing lately, but still, while writing this I realize that I indeed often am not grateful for the things that came to me, the things I wanted and that appeared to be impossible.

And also someone told me a few days ago how beautiful this location is and said she would miss it a lot and yes, I often forget that as I’m mostly think of the troubles and the hassle it is as of the moment to keep the place. But as I often tell myself also lately, I’m still here, and that’s still something, no matter the way how I do it or the price I and maybe some other people are paying. And maybe that’s also the thing Napoleon Hill mentions: there is no such thing as having something for nothing. So yes, I should be and can be very grateful for where I am and that I’m still living a very luxury life even though it is not as luxury as I was used to and I think I deserve and am worth of.

So while walking down with thinking a lot of worry type thoughts I suddenly realized (again) that I was walking down this beautiful road with a lot of trees and beautiful nature around and that most people, maybe even 99.99% or more of all people in the world would be really jealous being able to be where I was and what I could experience. And also now, I’m working at one of the most beautiful locations in the world with a view that is so stunning that most people would never even see that in a lifetime. And I’m just here and often don’t even see it, let alone enjoy it.

And I’m trying to make some kind of comprehensive post out of this, but my mind keeps on wandering to all kinds of related things, like recently I decided to spend the money for new contact lenses, which according to all common rules I grew up with actually can’t afford. But they make the world so much clearer, like right now I can see the view clearly and it is so beautiful and peaceful and yes, it’s all there for me now, for me alone, as no one else can experience this view right now as our house is in a very special location where the view is just different from any other location I know, even nearby locations.

And that’s also what bothers me, as I like to share the view, share the house, but somehow until now that never happened as I had in mind, at least not in recent years. And yes, this Christmas was fantastic with the family of my partner visiting and some friends visiting, all of course enjoying the house and the view. But the house is kind of falling apart and until now I didn’t find any way how to stop that, as we just can’t afford the repairs, basically no repairs at all. And it’s also sad to see we don’t have enough beds and stuff, and I realized this Christmas also not enough plates and other kitchenware to receive people in a decent, worthy way. But the other side is that as far as I know nobody has been paying anything in money, meaning that most of the food and the coffee and the drinks were paid by us, paid by money we have borrowed. And that doesn’t make it easy, to know that you are more in trouble next week as your debt has increased again, where you know you can’t even pay the principal amount, let alone all the interest that is building up and building up. So I have been trying to focus on the ‘giving’ on trying to not let the people know too much hat’s going on, not let the people know in how deep shit I am. But it’s not easy and somehow it’s eating me from the inside, as I don’t know where to go, don’t know where to find the money, don’t know where to find a job or jobs. And yes, this is still about ‘living in the now’, the title I started this post with. Because for the last one and half year or so I have been living from day to day, something like ‘living in the now’, even though I know that’s not exactly the same.

And that is also what I was thinking while walking down, like living in the now, living from day to day sounds nice, but somehow there is also more, there is also ‘future’, where ‘future’ is partly or fully defined by decisions I am making right now.

And I also know I wrote about this same subject recently, living in the now. And I don’t remember what I wrote there, but it may have been similar to what I’m writing right now. But yes, right now, there is nothing but writing here, enjoying the view, enjoying where and who I am and there is no use in thinking about money or debt or getting (more) money or getting out of debt or having a car or having my holiday to Bali that is one of my dreams right now. And that is something I experienced earlier and I think I also wrote about that. That right now, NOW, I don’t need anything. Right now there is plenty of everything I could want or need, even more, much more than I need right now and the rest of the day and even tomorrow and probably next week or even next month. As I don’t plan to go anywhere today or tomorrow, so I don’t need a car or any other transportation. There is food in the house, and drinks. Even junk food and ‘junk’ drinks. So more than a human would ever need. And there is this beautiful view and the equipment I’m using to write this post. There is electricity and internet, even more, much more than I need right now. And yes, there are also many things NOT here right now, many things I want and maybe even need. But right, now, there is nothing not available that I would need, today or tomorrow. There is even much more than I would ever need today or tomorrow.

So yes, that’s living in the now and of course that makes me very happy.

Sick

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I’m a little sick. Nothing special, some flue and it feels actually even good as my body seems to be cleaning itself and it is a good excuse to just stop, ly in bed, relax.

So no post yesterday and a small one today.

Enjoy your day!