Tag Archives: Life

Strange day

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It was a strange day today. This morning a good conversation with a visitor here in the house. I really enjoyed it and I hope she also enjoyed. But I was late already today, just while I was relatively early out of bed the last few days. So this made it even later for me today, so I couldn’t, or actually didn’t do a lot of work.

And right now I am very tired, and I don’t know why. As I wasn’t that late last night and I think I slept pretty well. Or maybe I do, as I still feel I don’t make much progress. Progress in relationship, work, my causes, this site. And that’s one of the things we talked about, like what is the difference between people who achieve real success and people who don’t. And I know two things, one is that you have to be really good, although that doesn’t always seem to be a prerequisite. And the other is that you somehow need to have some kind of ‘break’, someone recognizing you, yes, maybe inspiring you.

And that brought me again to the background of this site. That I never felt inspired or supported by anyone. And somehow that is still the case. Maybe something now to create in the tools section of the site.

And yes, to somehow continue with the pages, the posts and now the IFS tools. To inspire people, to inspire you!

Setback

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Well, this afternoon I felt an enormous setback. And what’s in my e-mail: coming back from a setback. So well, I still don’t feel great and inspiring, so for that just indeed go to the article I just mentioned.

But something good also here, as I just uploaded a slightly update version of the IFS Inspirational Tools.

No subject

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Today was a very exciting day for me, but right now I have no clue what to write here. And there were some subjects I wanted to write about, but my mind is just empty. And yes, I am starting to believe that Napoleon Hill really created something with his book Think and Grow Rich as I did not only started reading from that book about one and a half year ago, but I am also trying to apply many of the principles described in it. And yes, I am somehow mixing it with the teaching of Abraham Hicks, so it’s not only the ideas of Napoleon Hill I’m applying.

But related to Napoleon Hill recently I am starting to see that somehow I have been learning how to protect myself from negative influences. And about my fear about losing (my) love. As my partner is very down and angry (with me) for a few weeks now, but I am starting to see that it is not about me, but about him. And that indeed I can stay positive and do things and somehow be happy and enjoy life, even though of course it still affects me, a lot. And before, when he had one of those moods I was very much affected, couldn’t move very well myself. But right now I stay focused on my own goals and try to keep my vibrations positive. And no, believe me, it’s not easy, as love, my love, romantic love, my partner is the most important in my life. And for that reason it also hurts me, a lot. But going down with him only brings me down, brings us down together. So better stay focused on the positive, on the love, on the dreams. As that may be the only thing to pull him up, pull him out, pull us up, pull us out.

Patience?

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Actually I wanted to write about this yesterday, but somehow the other idea took charge, so what happened to me last Saturday or so needed to wait.

And it wasn’t that special what happened last Saturday, but somehow it also was. And it’s worth thinking about I guess, it’s worth contemplating.

And you may or not know, but for quite a while I have been trying to start with the tools section in this website. Tools like helping you create a desire document or helping you get more clarity on your goals and how to reach them. And me being me I want to build that part of the site in my own way, according to the standards of Active Discovery Designs. As I believe building it in WordPress, according to the WordPress standards, will be too complicated and too time consuming. And next to that I don’t want to depend on the way WordPress is going as I don’t have good experience with Open Source systems when you have to support them, want to maintain them, want to expand them. And don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Open Source systems as e.g. most of the web servers on the internet are even running on Open Source systems like LInux, PHP and mySQL. And until now this whole site has been built with WordPress according to the WordPress standards.

Anyhow, I didn’t want to talk about Open Source systems and such, but about my experience with something that had been bothering me for weeks already, maybe even months. As I was looking for a way to create a simple signup procedure where you only have to enter your e-mail address and a password to either sign in to this site or to register. And yes, at the same time go to my own, much simpler, way of programming a website, a web application. But I got stuck.

And getting stuck when writing software is quite a common thing, at least for me. Sometimes you ‘just don’t see it’ and you get stuck in some very weird process where you just can’t find the bug, can’t find the error, can’t find why something doesn’t work. And it can keep you busy for days, where in the end the solution is often just one or two lines of code or some very stupid simple programming error. So I got stuck in the problem of automatically logging the user in after signing up, after entering a new e-mail address. And no, this website is not a full time job or something, especially the programming part, but I did spend quite some hours spent over a few weeks to solve this problem. And I couldn’t find it, I just couldn’t find why it didn’t work. And last Saturday I did one small search in Google and suddenly I found the solution as also other people had experienced the same thing. And indeed, also this time the solution took like fifteen minutes or less to implement. And it will take me probably hours to take out all the ‘debugging code’ that I have added to find the problem. But again, I don’t want to talk about software development.

No, I wanted to talk about that sometimes, or even mostly, solutions just ‘come to you’. And that is maybe also what the teachings of Abraham Hicks are trying to tell us. That all the pushing and shoving and hammering that we often do when things don’t work, when we want to put something into place, are not needed or even can have a negative impact. As when I would have just searched in a relaxed way in Google instead of trying and trying and trying to solve this problem I would have saved a lot of time, effort, energy and annoyance. So yes, often stopping and thinking works better than just ‘work, work, work’.

And I remember another sample of a similar situation. As I was on the way to the wake of a friend of mine who had died. And I didn’t know exactly where it was, but the name of the funeral home made me think it was somewhere near a subdivision with the same name. And that subdivision is something like six kilometers away from the city center, the city center where I started my search. And it took me I think even hours to find out I was in the wrong place. While if I would have just asked someone in the city center, where I was, close to the funeral home, I would have saved a lot of time and effort and even money. But no, I just had a wrong perception and was too, well, maybe preoccupied, with what I thought was right, to consider asking.

So better think and ask first, before doing a lot of effort.

Suicide

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Strange, how little I know the people around me. And strange, how little the people the people around me know me. As I guess not many people would relate me to suicide thoughts, although I’m quite sure some people know. And what hit me today, and what also made me think for quite a while was the paragraph I found on a site about suicide:

Make no mistake. Suicide will have a devastating effect on those around you, and the effects will stay with them the rest of their lives. If in your mind you belittle this impact (as I did), you are fooling yourself. And to test it, just ask someone close to you how they’d feel if you got knocked over by a bus.

And somehow I know this, as that kind of stopped me from killing myself when I was in my early twenties. But what I never fully realized was the “for the rest of their lives”. Or maybe I did. As I remember being so low, feeling so bad, that even knowing how much other people would suffer, especially my mam, didn’t compensate for how I felt, how bad I felt. And no, I am quite sure nobody wants to kill himself or herself. For me it was the (emotional) pain I was feeling that was too much, unbearable. And I tried and tried and tried. Everything. But it didn’t go away. Although in the end it did, otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this.

And I read on http://lostallhope.com that the major cause for suicide is loneliness, so I am not alone in my suicide thinking right now, while feeling very alone, even lonely at the moment. And the strange thing is that things have been improving lately. Things have improved as I got some attention for my projects, even beyond my wildest dream. And my partner came back last year. But yes, him leaving again two weeks ago in anger, while I am doing everything, everything to make it work, to be happy myself, try to make him happy, try to support him and help him, love him, whatever, hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit. And I was able to deal with it for about two weeks, but a few days ago it just hit me and I felt kind of devastated. As it seems all so unfair. And no, in the end it has nothing to do with the relationship, at least not directly with this relationship. It has all to do with everything in my life that seems to have gone wrong, with only a few, relatively short periods of ‘normal life’. It has everything to do with that it seems that I just can’t be myself, the joyful, loving and powerful Guus that I am.

And I read similar things in http://lostallhope.com and I may continue reading there a bit more, more about the loneliness stuff and the being yourself. And yes, it appears to be a good site to go to if you are thinking about suicide, whether you are really planning to kill yourself or not. So yes, I could write a bit more about my experiences when thinking about killing myself and maybe I will, but not now.

And I was hesitant writing this post, as I may hurt people, which of course I don’t want, especially as a friend of mine was reminded of the death of her son yesterday. But maybe that is also exactly what makes me, make us feel lonely. Not sharing our real feelings, our real thoughts. And my real thoughts are about loneliness, about being alone right now. And my real feelings are feeling lonely, and before writing this, useless.

But what really made me write this post is that I realized that if people don’t know about my suicide thoughts, I probably also don’t know about suicide thoughts of people I know. And I know quite a bit about suicide thoughts, as I had them several times in my life. And was indeed a few times also very close to indeed killing myself.

So if you are down or are thinking about suicide, please let me know, whether you know me or not. And no, I won’t judge you or even stop you or try to stop you. As having been there I know that sometimes the pain of living can be larger than the instinct we all have to live. And I know the instinct to live is gigantic, meaning that the pain must be bigger than that to even consider committing suicide.

But maybe you can just e-mail me, so we both can be a little less lonely. You can reach me at guus@inspiration-for-success.com.