Recently I started playing music again, mainly because for a year or so now we have a sound system again after the other sound system broke down. And everything I use it I think of that I/we can’t actually afford it and that buying a 3D TV again was kind of stupid, but still, I enjoy the TV and the sound system a lot, or actually the sound system as I always liked to play music, loud music.

And recently I often play music from my student years, but also from the nineties, which I consider actually my best time as then I traveled the world and we went long weekends to Berlin and Paris and such. And somehow that was a good time, even though also then I had problems, especially during my student time I had big problems. And in my relationship, when I traveled the world, there was also some deep underlying problem that finally caused the relationship to collapse.

And playing the music brought back memories, together with just enjoying the music and some new insights like how much ‘organized effort’ is behind just one recording, behind one CD, behind a tour of a band. And how different times are now, how different I am now. And somehow I miss that time, as things were much clearer, rules were much clearer, life was much clearer. In the eighties and nineties I still had just my dreams on times getting better, getting better jobs, getting more money, things improving over time. And that was also my perception of life, that if you just did your best, if your intentions were (are?) good, that everything was just OK, everything would just be OK.

And right now I don’t know anymore. I don’t really know anymore what’s right and wrong. I don’t really know anymore what I’m supposed to do from a worldly point of view. As ‘work’ and ‘money’ or ‘wealth’ were supposed to be just a part of life, were just things you didn’t really think about, even though I had some bad experiences with work. But at that time my ideas didn’t really changed. I believed that if you just pushed through and just did your best, in terms of this site if you just followed the Principles of Success, everything would be OK, at least in the material world. But it isn’t it wasn’t. Somehow the rules changed. Somehow life is different now than at that time. And I still can’t figure out what and how and what I’m supposed to do or even could do to get those things back that I enjoyed and kind of dreamed about, still dream about.

And I have the feeling I’m complaining again as many people seem to experience with me. But that’s not my point. I’m just trying to find my way in life, just as you are trying to find your way in life and life doesn’t suit me, doesn’t fit me, as probably it doesn’t suit you, doesn’t fit you, although of the last of course I can’t be sure. As many people still somehow seem to fit in and don’t struggle as much as i do. But I’m not sure.

And my partner is always complaining that I’m talking about ‘me’. And other people also do. And what I’m reading in most articles and self help books and quotes is that you first need to focus on others, first help others. And that seems to work as most of the people writing that stuff seem to be successful, at least more successful than I am. But it just doesn’t feel right, as to me it mostly feels there is not enough coming back to me, that I’m giving and giving and giving and there is not enough coming back. That the balance is gone. So maybe indeed follow what some people in the same range of articles and blogs and quotes say, that you should also take care of yourself. Or think of what the bible state, love the other the same as you love yourself. It does not state love the other more than yourself or take care of the other more than you take care of yourself. And that’s what I often do, at least that’s how it feels to me. That I do more for others than I do for myself. And that I do more for others than they do for me, where I somehow deep inside believe there should be balance.

But while writing this I also think again about what was in my head when I started to write this article. And that was that when listening to my music tonight I realized that in that simple playing of music an awful lot of stuff is going back to me,  is given to me. The effort of the writer or writers who wrote the song. The effort of the band or the singer to sing the song and play the music. The whole history of TV making, CD making, computer making, internet and whatever else is involved in playing this music from my hard disk. That all is available to me, is coming to me, coming back to me.

And that’s awesome. And at such a moment I want to give back. But then it seems nobody wants what I have to give, what I can give. And then I’m kind of back to square one in my thinking, in my guilt not being able to afford all those things. But on the other hand, it’s just there and somehow it’s given to me, no matter how and what. So better enjoy it.

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