I am often scared to open my e-mail. Or maybe I should write I often was, as I’m not as scared anymore as before. But yesterday and today I was. As I had sent an e-mail two days ago I expected a reply to. And somehow I was scared of the reply. But I had planned for today to check my e-mail and indeed the answer was there. And the answer was not really what I expected or hoped for, as it was kind of a politically correct answer where I had hoped for a bit more. But it was also certainly not a negative answer, even though I would have liked it a bit more, well, to my liking, getting what I want.

But this whole thing made me think what it is or was that I am actually afraid of. And today’s quote of course was about fear. And it was a duplicate quote probably as it was not stored in the database, so I must have liked it before. And the quote was

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.” from Jiddu Krishnamurti.

And it made me think and it seems I am often trying to escape the fear. As I did yesterday and actually today most of the day: not opening my e-mail. Or sometimes postponing reading my e-mail. And it made me think further about what could be behind this fear, this fear of reading e-mails. And of course I thought of my father, as he,or actually his behavior, seems to be behind all this fear. And thinking of what I wrote yesterday, I see my father as a dictator, as he always made me do what he wanted, forced me to, used his power to make me do things. And yes, somehow I grew up and went my own way. But somehow my father is still there, telling me what to do, where I have no option but to follow.

And this again makes me think how important it is what a father does. Or does not do. Or says. Or does not say. As being a father makes that you have a natural power over a child, your child. And I think my father abused that. And yes, I know he meant it all well, I know even some of his reasons. So he is not to blame, even though I still blame him.

And this is where I remember discussing this father thing with a visitor last week, the thing that I still blame my father, that I still feel like a victim. And he had a nice exercise for that. And the exercise is done in groups of two. And one person is telling the story where he felt being a victim to the other person. And the other person just has to listen. And of course in most or all cases the listener will sympathize with the person telling the story. But there is a second part of the exercise. And in the second part of the exercise the person telling his story must tell the story taking responsibility. And of course then the whole story changes, the feelings change.

Although while writing this I remember thinking about that exercise that it doesn’t apply to when a father exercises power over a child. As at certain ages a child cannot take responsibility like opposing or ignoring what the father wants. So then there is a victim. And of course there are many more situations where that is the case, situations when e.g. violence is used.

And yes, then, being a victim, you can only take responsibility for how to deal with the situation or how to deal with the aftermath of the situation.

Still, no real answer yet about my victim issues. But it seems I’m getting closer to letting go of some things, some things it seems I still play the victim where it is probably better to let go and go on with my life.

What about you? Do you have anything where you still feel the victim, even when the actual thing has long passed?

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