Tag Archives: Depression

Desperate?

So I am codependent, depressed, with less cash than ever, no work, no career, yes, many ideas still.

And I still want to write here, but mostly don’t really know what. But today someone sent me the link to something related to something related to Colonel Sanders. And that reminded me about something I heard about the founder of McDonalds. And while I was writing the last part of the first sentence, “many ideas still”, it reminded me of J.K. Rowling.

And I am not sure what to believe, like how my situation, my story, relates to Harland David SandersRaymond Albert Kroc or Joanne Rowling, as they all seem different, more, not sure how to say, determined or persistent than I am, but apparently they did go through many failures, defeats.

And recently the ideas of Napoleon Hill, the stuff from Think and Grow Rich came and come to my mind again. And I wanted to start reading in Think and Grow Rich again, but I realize I didn’t do that yet until right now. I did get my Desire Document back, read it, made it visible again though. And amazingly it is still unfolding, together with some stuff related to what I found on the site of Kim Cooper. And yes, many dates have passed and such, but somehow things are unfolding according to that document, so recently I started to wonder if my biggest dream will still come true, together with some other stuff I wanted, stated there.

And yes, somehow I am starting to think about planning again; and about setting goals. Those things have been very hard, pretty much impossible recently, probably due to my depression. And while working on my depression I am starting to realize what a terrible thing that is. It kind of blocks everything, all positive things, all goal setting, all desires, all pleasure, everything that makes life worthwhile. So I guess that is the first thing to work on. Maybe that could be a start of some planning again.

And about goals? I am not sure about my goals anymore, as they seemed so impossible for quite a while. But right now, the last few hours, days, somehow I am getting also back to my goals, basically since I started to admit, realize, that I really suffer from depression.

And I wanted to write a lot here actually today. But it seems I am more focused on links and such than actual writing. Somehow in my mind is still that I want to promote this site, make Inspiration for Success work, promote my other businesses and ideas.

And no, strangely enough I don’t feel desperate anymore, despite that was the name I gave this post when I started it. More hopeful I guess.

So the main thing that has blocked me for quite a while may just have been depression.

Crashed

So the last few weeks I fully crashed, I hardly didn’t do anything anymore, despite all the nice stuff I know from Napoleon Hill and all those other ‘self help’ people and guides. And that includes sending the daily inspirational quote and writing here. And doing work. And many other things. So it seems there are limitations to what I can do, what a human being can do. And no willpower often can get me out of bed, as I am pretty sure I am suffering from depression. What kind of gets me out of it, got me out of it, was this article: get out of depression, or at least some of the suggestions, like moving a bit, walking a bit. And the main sentence that helped and helps me is “you can’t just will yourself to ‘snap out of it’, but you do have some control”. And that is fully contrary to the statement of Napoleon Hill to use willpower getting things done.

So what was the reason for crashing? Well, I guess the feeling that nothing is coming back, that nothing seems to work, no matter what I do. Like I have written a lot of stuff here in this site and it seems there is nothing coming back, no serious comments or even an e-mail every now and then, whether positive or negative. And I have been sending daily quotes for more than two years, now, every day, except Sunday. And I only got maybe five or ten e-mails from people who liked a certain quote.

And I read everywhere that success starts with giving, but it seems there are limits to that, as in the end you can’t just keep on giving without getting anything in return.

And I know that persistence in the end works, will work, but right now, and for quite a while already, I had the feeling there is not enough coming back.

And I know it is the same with other bloggers, and probably the same with many things, like writing a book, where you first have to fully finish the book and get it published before anything ‘comes back’.

Ah, end yes, I know one of my main issues is something like ‘choosing the wrong mate’. And not having a proper social structure to work from, not having enough friends or not having the right friends.

And I am working on all of that and slowly, very slowly things seem to start moving again, like just now I decided to write something here.

That is maybe the hardest part, knowing what ‘can be’ and not fully knowing how to get there, losing hope, losing everything on the way and kind of stopping, giving up.

But I guess I didn’t give up, as I am writing here again. And I decided to do a little work today. And lately I got some more friends, a better support structure.

Self analysis, question 43

Interesting question today: “Does your religion help you to keep your own mind positive?” as I don’t consider myself religious anymore, but I grew up as a protestant Christian and I believe most of our culture is defined by Christianity.

So does my religion help to keep my own mind positive? Well, certainly not, as I believe more and more that this father like figure I grew up with, this old men with a great beard on the pulpit condemning all human sins is still there and is judging all my actions, including not fitting in in society meaning I have problems earning and having a decent love and sex life.

So I left my religion as it didn’t suit me anymore, but somehow I still carry it with me and it certainly doesn’t help to keep my mind positive as all I feel is guilt and shame, guilt for the things I did wrong and ashamed towards other people that I don’t meet the requirements of ‘the world’, of reality.

So interesting what is going on here as it calls for questions why I still stick with that religion and how would or could I find another one that would help me to keep my mind positive. But I have been searching a lot and until now I couldn’t find one, although Napoleon HIll‘s philosophy helped me a lot I guess the last few years but is also letting me down lately as I feel very down and inadequate as I still didn’t achieve the things I wanted.

So new plans? Or are the plans I put into motion already adequate to bring me where I want to be?

Well, time will tell, but at the moment I am very down, even though I made quite some progress with my DoctorsConnect project, especially today as I finished an initial version of my pitch document for investors.

So well, if you want to invest one and a half million pesos and have some decent return after one year please let me know. And that reminds me of the pastor in Think and Grow Rich who needed a million dollars and got it as he decided to get it.

And somehow I decided to get this money within the month, so let’s see. Maybe someone reading this would be willing to join and invest one and a half million pesos which is about USD 35,000.00, which is not that much I guess.