Tag Archives: Desire

I am planning better now…

“I am planning better now and am finding the right way of taking action in a relaxed way”.

In the end I will not share my desire document, but what is stated above statement is part of it. And again, the moment I wrote it, it was something impossible to me. And while writing this, this post, I am starting to realize that it is becoming part of me, has become part of me. So again, creating a desire document and reading it aloud regularly, in the beginning, or irregularly, like today, is something unimaginably powerful.

As today I was at the end of everything as my goal was that everybody, especially me, would be happy today, tonight. And I had no clue how to reach that. So even when the party tonight really started I was kind of desperate, as my own happiness was nowhere to be seen, even though I had talked to some people about what was bothering me. But somehow I didn’t feel good about it as I was scared that it would turn people off, would spoil their experience, their happiness tonight. Still, I was so full of what was going on and I didn’t like that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. And I guess in the end that turned out to be the good thing, especially as I guess I talked to the right people who appeared to be understanding.

Still, somewhere tonight, just before the beginning of the party I still didn’t feel alright and wanted to withdraw, run away. And somehow I ended up in the bedroom and went back to things like goals. And of course my goals are in my desire document and my desire document has become kind of the guideline of my life. So even though I didn’t feel anything like ‘desire document’ I decided to still read it, even though I didn’t really feel it.

And just like mostly, or virtually always, or always in this type of situation my desire document gives me some kind of direction, some kind of peace, some kind of goal. So also tonight.

As even though I didn’t really feel the stuff that is written in it, it always give me something to hold on, there are always parts of it that I can feel and relate to.

And every time I read it, power is added to it. And power is added to me. Somehow it boosts my self confidence, always, no matter how bad the situation is. And I think one of the most powerful things of a desire document is not changing it, no matter how bad things get. As I see it slowly become reality and slowly all the ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ don’t seem to belong there anymore.

Avoiding confrontation

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Love will find a way I am very tense as somehow I avoid confrontation about what is going on here in the house. And yes, I am fighting some kind of guerrilla war as I guess at least part of the guests feels there is something going on that’s not right.

But my goal was that everybody should be happy and I am not happy and I am certainly part of everybody. And I have been asking myself what would make me happy and I couldn’t find the answer to that. And of course I tried to go back to the teachings of Abraham Hicks that say something that no matter what I should search for something that makes me happy. But yes, he also said that sometimes you can’t go to a happy place as you are too far from that place, too far from happiness.

And yes, I feel guilty, guilty of spoiling the party with my behavior. But how let the people know how hurt I am with what is going on, how this all came into being. A lot of people have been invited in my house without my approval. And some of them I don’t even want here. This is all organized without my participation. And yes, of course I have been informed. And somehow I was asked if I was okay with it. And basically I am, but it would all be so much nicer if we would have organized it together. And if the people would just contribute in the cost, as I was so happy the last few months finally enough money came in to at least pay the daily expenses. And now more than half our monthly budget goes to a large party where most of the participants have a larger income than we. Meaning we at least we can’t start paying our debts, but probably our borrowings go up again.

So yes, while writing this, why would I be happy. Well certainly not with the party, or actually how it was organized and how it is being paid for. A party I am basically no part of, as I was not even invited, a party where I just feel like being part of the furniture, nothing more, nothing less.

So what would make me happy? Well, not sure, as I wouldn’t want to force people to fund a party they were just invited for. And I wouldn’t want people to leave, as, no matter whether I like each of them or not. As each of them has his or her place. And I wouldn’t want them just to pay for it or something.

So what would I want?

What would you do?

And no, I don’t think this is not an inspiring post. But I guess I’m just in ‘that place’. Meaning far from inspiration.

The train driver

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So there is this train moving with incredible speed and power. And it is carrying a lot of passengers. And all or most of the passengers are very happy on this trip as it is kind of a holiday trip they were invited on. However, the driver of the train is not really happy, even though the trip is actually part of one of his biggest dreams. And seeing all those happy people in the train of course he doesn’t want to spoil their fun, especially this type of thing is basically the reason why he is on the train. And how much he would like to be happy and be part of the fun. But until now he didn’t find a way to tell the passengers of the train that he had to pay for the maintenance of the train and the fuel for the trip. And that how much he would like to enjoy joining the fun his train still is being needed for other trips, other passengers. And that this trip is a big burden for him. As even though he is the owner of the train and very happy and proud to have it, the last few years he didn’t have enough passengers to even pay the mortgage to the bank, let alone the fuel for this trip or the maintenance of the train.

And the passengers were just invited for this trip. And some are poor and wouldn’t be able to pay for the trip. But others are rich and could easily pay for the fuel and maybe even a little for the maintenance of the train.

So how would this train driver tell the passengers how much he would love to just invite them, just pay the fuel and the maintenance of the train. And of course just let them enjoy the train. But sometimes life just doesn’t work like that, sometimes fuel and maintenance just have to be paid.

And no, he just didn’t find a way yet how to deal with this. And he also doesn’t want to hurt anybody or spoil the fun. But inside he is just hurting. As what is happening seems to be unfair. And that is not easy to hide. But most of the passengers just don’t know, can’t know. And they probably feel something is wrong. And that indeed will spoil part of the fun. But how would the train driver let them know what is going on? Especially as this is just all that he wants?

So he feels trapped, trapped between bad choices. As keeping quiet and pretending will hurt, will spoil the fun. As feeling hurt and showing happiness at the same time is virtually impossible. And opening up will hurt in a different way.

So what would the train driver do? Any suggestions where everybody, literally everybody will be happy, happy on this trip that is created to enjoy, have fun?

Humble

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Just half an hour ago or so I saw an e-mail sent earlier today from someone within the Smart/PLDT organization who has been asked to address the concerns mentioned in my letter of February 28, 2014 to the CEO and President of Smart, Mr. Napoleon L. Nazareno. And this made me happy, as the tone of the e-mail was such that my concerns are being taken very seriously. And it confirmed to me the leadership of Mr. Nazareno, as to my feeling he has put the right person at the right level in the organization to address my concerns.

It also confirms that most likely the recent actions taken by the local engineers of Smart are related to my letter. And it confirms that Smart is concerned about the things I have been complaining and writing about, contrary to what i, what we, often feel when dealing with large organizations like this. And yes, I still have some feeling of let’s see where this goes, let’s see if they really want to improve things for everybody, but my first impression of this e-mail today is very good.

And even though I am happy, I also feel humble, as especially the engineers did so much to make it all work and they are still following up if they can do something, as the speed I experience is quite low, lower than before. And yes, I still suspect something in the Smart/PLDT infrastructure is somehow limiting the speed, but I am also not 100% sure what’s going on on my side, as I have quite some computers connected and am running IPv6 tunnels that could generate traffic I am not aware of.

And I also feel humble as I don’t know how to run an organization like Smart and keep everything working and keep so many customers happy. And I know my connection is technically OK now and I am also pretty sure there is not something like a Fair Usage Policy volume limitation implemented.

And the last brings me to the fact that I am very much pro Fair Usage Policy in the sense of sharing bandwidth, especially right now as I have the feeling internet traffic is kind of exploding. And I also know that there are other technical limits that may very well affect internet connectivity and might have put Internet Service Providers off guard. Things like number of connections, as these must have exploded during the last year or the last few years with what I see Google and Facebook implement in web pages.

And related to The Philippines in my experience it is very difficult to find proper staff, technically as well as in management positions or in non-standard customer service positions. So one of my guesses is that large companies like Smart and Globe have difficulty to get and keep their technical infrastructure in order as well as their customer support, especially in cases like mine. As in my case with Smart as well as Globe I still believe all kinds of problems came together where no one took or could take charge as it just doesn’t fit the organization and/or the Philippine culture.

And that is exactly why I have been writing my letters and kept pushing and will continue to try to find ways to improve things in The Philippines, for the Philippines. As it is a nice tropical country where i think families should live together and be able to serve each other and the world business wise with a decent standard of living. just from home and not in some far away country in some kind of low level job because of the higher pay.

Wouldn’t that be nice, The Philippines in the top 10 with all kinds of things, like e.g. best internet infrastructure in the world? Why go abroad if you can make it all happen here use and develop your skills and experience here. And enjoy the company of your family, see your children grow up here, at home?

Sick or excuse

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Well, yesterday I skipped, not only my blogs, my daily quote and my gratitude page, but I also missed my planning.

And yes, I could have done it. But in the end I didn’t, because I felt sick and exhausted. And spent most of the day in bed.

And i was a bit in doubt, as i am quite well on the way being very disciplined finishing my planning for the day. And this was even the second day in weeks now that I decided NOT to do (all) the things I planned for the day.

So I could have done it, and i guess that’s what some (successful?) people would have done. But it didn’t feel really good to do it as I really felt sick, tired, exhausted. But especially it didn’t feel inspired, inspiring.

And that’s what i miss a bit, or actually a lot. Or something like ‘the most’. Doing things in an inspired way, doing things as Abraham Hicks describes. Doing things in a way described related to the Law of Attraction.

And thinking further, this is exactly also what Napoleon Hill calls desire, desiring things, achieving things in an inspired way.

And i know I have missed this for quite a long time. And it’s kind of bothering me. And I’m not sure what to do about is, to ‘relight my fire’. And I wrote about it before, that I didn’t feel the desire (anymore).

And yes, I am working on it, reading stuff related to that. And every now and then reading my desire document again, yes aloud.

So somehow, yes, I’m getting closer. As I feel myself getting stronger. And more confident. And more capable of ‘learning’ those things, the things like planning and discipline.

So yes, somehow Think and Grow Rich brought me something. And it seems that kind of applying all of those principles, everything in the book, brings you closer. But I often wonder if so called ‘successful people’ don’t have these things more by nature. And why I have to struggle so hard. And why I’m still ‘not there’.

But time will tell. And yes, I’m getting stronger, more confident. And recently even more money came in. So somehow it works, somehow it’s starting to work.

So be confident. And persistent. And keep believing.

No matter what.