Tag Archives: Desire

Living in the now

Motorstar Hawk II
I woke up very late with a terrible mood and I couldn’t really figure out why as I drank only one drink with alcohol last night and had water and some coke after only. And it meant that I might not be able to fetch our motorcycle that had been in the shop again for a week as I did not find the time to pick it up as it might not have been repaired. Or actually I was just scared going there, as last time they didn’t want to help me anymore because they don’t know what to do as this motorcycle has some weird quirks and actually just needs to be replaced.

So while walking down many, mostly negative, thoughts entered my mind, worries about my debts, worries about not having enough work, and related to that not having enough money and all those bad things that might happen when I would face my motorcycle troubles and the staff in the motorcycle shop.

And suddenly I realized that I was walking down this beautiful road in a beautiful environment with trees all around me, an environment that I always imagined, but would be impossible in The Netherlands as that type of forest does not really exist anymore. And I realize just now that I always imagined a house in the forest and that I have that now, something impossible before. So again, be careful what you wish for, because mostly you’ll get it. Of course I didn’t imagine the troubles and the debts I am experiencing lately, but still, while writing this I realize that I indeed often am not grateful for the things that came to me, the things I wanted and that appeared to be impossible.

And also someone told me a few days ago how beautiful this location is and said she would miss it a lot and yes, I often forget that as I’m mostly think of the troubles and the hassle it is as of the moment to keep the place. But as I often tell myself also lately, I’m still here, and that’s still something, no matter the way how I do it or the price I and maybe some other people are paying. And maybe that’s also the thing Napoleon Hill mentions: there is no such thing as having something for nothing. So yes, I should be and can be very grateful for where I am and that I’m still living a very luxury life even though it is not as luxury as I was used to and I think I deserve and am worth of.

So while walking down with thinking a lot of worry type thoughts I suddenly realized (again) that I was walking down this beautiful road with a lot of trees and beautiful nature around and that most people, maybe even 99.99% or more of all people in the world would be really jealous being able to be where I was and what I could experience. And also now, I’m working at one of the most beautiful locations in the world with a view that is so stunning that most people would never even see that in a lifetime. And I’m just here and often don’t even see it, let alone enjoy it.

And I’m trying to make some kind of comprehensive post out of this, but my mind keeps on wandering to all kinds of related things, like recently I decided to spend the money for new contact lenses, which according to all common rules I grew up with actually can’t afford. But they make the world so much clearer, like right now I can see the view clearly and it is so beautiful and peaceful and yes, it’s all there for me now, for me alone, as no one else can experience this view right now as our house is in a very special location where the view is just different from any other location I know, even nearby locations.

And that’s also what bothers me, as I like to share the view, share the house, but somehow until now that never happened as I had in mind, at least not in recent years. And yes, this Christmas was fantastic with the family of my partner visiting and some friends visiting, all of course enjoying the house and the view. But the house is kind of falling apart and until now I didn’t find any way how to stop that, as we just can’t afford the repairs, basically no repairs at all. And it’s also sad to see we don’t have enough beds and stuff, and I realized this Christmas also not enough plates and other kitchenware to receive people in a decent, worthy way. But the other side is that as far as I know nobody has been paying anything in money, meaning that most of the food and the coffee and the drinks were paid by us, paid by money we have borrowed. And that doesn’t make it easy, to know that you are more in trouble next week as your debt has increased again, where you know you can’t even pay the principal amount, let alone all the interest that is building up and building up. So I have been trying to focus on the ‘giving’ on trying to not let the people know too much hat’s going on, not let the people know in how deep shit I am. But it’s not easy and somehow it’s eating me from the inside, as I don’t know where to go, don’t know where to find the money, don’t know where to find a job or jobs. And yes, this is still about ‘living in the now’, the title I started this post with. Because for the last one and half year or so I have been living from day to day, something like ‘living in the now’, even though I know that’s not exactly the same.

And that is also what I was thinking while walking down, like living in the now, living from day to day sounds nice, but somehow there is also more, there is also ‘future’, where ‘future’ is partly or fully defined by decisions I am making right now.

And I also know I wrote about this same subject recently, living in the now. And I don’t remember what I wrote there, but it may have been similar to what I’m writing right now. But yes, right now, there is nothing but writing here, enjoying the view, enjoying where and who I am and there is no use in thinking about money or debt or getting (more) money or getting out of debt or having a car or having my holiday to Bali that is one of my dreams right now. And that is something I experienced earlier and I think I also wrote about that. That right now, NOW, I don’t need anything. Right now there is plenty of everything I could want or need, even more, much more than I need right now and the rest of the day and even tomorrow and probably next week or even next month. As I don’t plan to go anywhere today or tomorrow, so I don’t need a car or any other transportation. There is food in the house, and drinks. Even junk food and ‘junk’ drinks. So more than a human would ever need. And there is this beautiful view and the equipment I’m using to write this post. There is electricity and internet, even more, much more than I need right now. And yes, there are also many things NOT here right now, many things I want and maybe even need. But right, now, there is nothing not available that I would need, today or tomorrow. There is even much more than I would ever need today or tomorrow.

So yes, that’s living in the now and of course that makes me very happy.

Achieving goals

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Tonight I told my sister in law about the six steps Napoleon Hill describes to achieve success, to achieve goals, or maybe just to achieve financial goals, although I believe the six steps basically apply to any goal, although the more I think about it, Think and Grow Rich is very much focused on reaching financial, capitalistic goals.

And one of my favorite ‘exercises’ to show to people how easy it is to achieve a goal is to put an object a few meters away from me, define that as the goal and then just walk slowly but determined towards it and just pick up the object, which indeed also makes me feel how easy it is to achieve a goal, any goal. But part of the exercise is also to start roaming around, looking at all kinds of other things and walking towards them, showing how NOT to achieve goals. Because if you let yourself distract from the goal by other things, which I guess we all do, it is much more difficult, even virtually impossible, to reach the goal. But if you just walk towards the goal it is very easy to achieve. You don’t even have to walk fast or do a lot of effort. And even if there are smaller or larger hurdles in between you and your goal the goal is still very easy to reach, by just walking around the obstacles or climbing over them or something like that. As long as you just walk slowly but determined to your goal it is very easy to reach, at least in this exercise, but I think the exercise represent real life goals very well.

And the above sounds very much like what Abraham HIcks says about NOT doing effort, at least NOT when you don’t feel like it, meaning something like NOT doing action if you’re not sure it’s the right action, if it’s the right direction. And indeed, behind that I feel something like how easy it is to achieve a goal, how easy it is to move, when you know what you want and just get it, similar to the story of buying something in the supermarket: you just go and get it and don’t worry about not getting it, as you know it is there and if you brought the money you just get it. And even the last may not be required, I am thinking while writing it. You just ‘go and get it’, indeed similar to breathing or your heart beating all your life.

And tonight, this conversation, this act made me realize how for I have left my goals behind, how little effort I recently do do achieve my goals, how they somehow seem to have disappeared in my daily worries. And how little effort and attention I have recently given to my desire document, the document I made a bit more than a year ago describing my definite purpose. And the same feeling I had yesterday related to the project, this project, the project Inspiration for Success. Similar to the team members I have just let it go, have just left it behind, basically doing what the team members have been doing and for which I kind of detested them.

So yes, this is a good time to review my goals and get back on track. No, not by ‘push and shove’, but just with some more determination and yes, finding inspiration again.

Living in the now

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Before now

For the last one and a half year or so I have been kind of living from day to day, something like living one day at the time. And I never fully understood what that meant, never really did that before, but yes, it is a way to get through anything. And yes, I had my happy moments, maybe even happier than ever before, but somehow it’s not satisfying, this ‘day-by-day’ living thing. Somehow a human being, or at least me and I guess most or many other people, wants to look forward, achieve something ‘in the future’. And that’s what I remember, what I want back, ‘my good life’, the life I had before when everything was still ‘normal’, when I grew up in kind of a normal family, when I studied and finished my study, when I found a job, when I traveled and saw the world, and even when I moved here, to The Philippines, to this beautiful house.

So somehow I’m not living ‘day-by-day’, but also living in the past. As I want those things back. As I remember the good things. And yes, there were the good things, especially the travel, the money that made it possible, the partner I was with, the house I lived in, so basiclally my ‘normal life’ with work, evenings, weekends and holidays.

Past

And yes, there were downs, very deep downs, but somehow not so long downs, although I’m starting to doubt that while I’m writing this. I grew up very lonely, partly because it’s my character, but also partly because I’m gay and neither was able to find partners nor role models until I was like in my twenties. And during my study I ended up with a psychologist and was about to kill myself as I felt so unhappy with everything. It also took me quite a while to find a job after I finished study, so that period was also not very smooth. And then I found my first job and things started to go better, as then I also found my first partner. And that’s also the time I remember, the time I miss. But the weird thing is that indeed that time was ok for me, but there were still very important things not really OK. As my partner and me had some big issue that I still can’t fully understand. And most of the time I had problems at work and was scared losing my job, which also actually happened a few times.

So then, about ten years ago I had a deep down, the deepest of my life ever I think, although I’m not fully sure now. I lost my partner, lost my job and couldn’t afford my house anymore, so also lost my house. And yes, when my partner left me, I again considered committing suicide, like I did when I was in my early twenties.

But somehow when I lost my job for the first time, in a very bad way, I was able to find a new job, against all odds. And even quite quickly. And yes, it had everything to do with persistence and desire, with the Principles of Success as Napoleon Hill describes them.

And after losing my first partner, after my first partner left me, I found a new partner very quickly in a similar manner I had found a new job after losing my first job.

Next past

And then weird things began to happen. As the start of my second relationship was very good, even though looking back it may have been way too soon. And the start of our business was also very good. And moving to The Malasag House felt also very good, although it was kind of risky, but it was exciting.

The Malasag House as it must be.

And then slowly the whole thing started falling apart, and I still don’t fully get why, although maybe it’s indeed about my learning process in this life, the “The Other and I” thing. But still, I’m not happy about it and it took away my joy, the fun in my life.

And then about one and a half year ago, the middle of 2012, my second partner left me and my whole life fell apart in a similar way as ten years before. And again I didn’t want to live anymore, wanted to commit suicide, felt fully alone in a strange country without family, without friend, without a job, basically without and income, so nothing to live for anymore and nowhere to go. And yes, this was the deepest, the lowest point in my life, not the first time when my partner left, when my life fell apart. No, the second time was much worse, as I had lost all hope, all courage, just lived from day to day.

Future

And then something changed. And that was also basically the start of Inspiration for Success, of this website. And of my current life, a new life, a somehow different life. And I’m not there yet, just read my posts, that are often based on the problems, the practical problems I encounter, like money and earning. But yes, while writing this I realize something has changed. And it has indeed to do with desire, with a decision, with a purpose, even though I often don’t see and feel it anymore. And yes, somehow it is based in the Principles of Success of Napoleon Hill. But there is more, although what’s in my mind now is also there and it’s called Infinite Intelligence. And it’s something also like ‘letting it happen’, ‘letting it be’. Don’t know how to explain that right now.

Now

And writing this post is starting to become strange, empowering to myself. As I see how far I have come since the events that started around one and a half year ago. And I still feel down, and I’m not there yet. But somehow now, while writing this, I’m starting to feel stronger. And yes, the last weeks, the last months things started to improve, basically without my conscious effort.

And I’m a bit in doubt what to tell you know, as some things are very private. But I want you to know that the whole thing started with a decision, a decision to achieve the impossible, a decision founded in a very deep desire. But it also started with someone giving me a book, the book Think and Grow Rich. And it started with following my feelings, following my Inner Being, somehow.

And just now, right now, I’m starting to believe again that I’m very close, very close to what I really want, very close to real happiness, the happiness that I and everybody else so much longs for and deserves.

Overcoming past experience

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For quite a while already I feel kind of stuck. And the main reason is that through past experience I don’t really know what to do, what do to achieve my goals. Or no, the main thing is just that I went down too deep, I don’t see any way out. Or I do, but it’s just too big.

And it’s a very weird circle it feels I have put myself in. As I have made some decisions on what I want, what my real goals are. And they are founded quite deep now, based on what I have learned from Napoleon Hill, from his book Think and Grow Rich, from the Principles of Success. And all is mixed it with the ideas of Abraham Hicks and everything else I know, either from own experience or from all kinds of psychology and self help stuff.

But something doesn’t add up and I still can’t figure out what it is. Or maybe I do, as that’s basically what I started this post with, as the main thing is I don’t know what to DO. And from Napoleon Hill’s point of view that means I can’t make any planning. And from Abraham Hicks’ point of view that’s the wrong question (as he focuses on how you want to FEEL).

And I’m also still thinking about the weird connection between past, present (or actually NOW) and future. And related to the NOW the ideas of Napoleon Hill and Abraham Hicks don’t seem to contradict each other as they appear to do. As Napoleon Hill states something like everything starts from DESIRE, where Abraham Hicks states something like everything starts from FEELING (good).

So maybe the answer is indeed in the last paragraph. Maybe I should indeed go (back) to the feeling place of what i want, as that’s where the desire starts. And indeed, actions come from desire and desire only. And planning will follow.