Tag Archives: Doubt

Self analysis, question 5

The question “Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so, why?” is a tough one to answer in public, as since that question is in my mind I realize there are quite some people I avoid or am scared of.

So I am not fully sure if I deliberately avoid the association with people, but I do deliberately avoid people because I am scared of them. And that kind of worries me, as it means I have issues I am avoiding, issues I don’t want to deal with. And it means that I lack self confidence, lack courage to deal with things I am not proud of, mistakes I made.

So do I also deliberately avoid the association of anyone? I guess so, but right now I don’t remember any specific sample of that.

So maybe go back to the avoidance of certain people, which I certainly do. And I have one specific person in mind I am avoiding as I am keeping a secret from her. Or actually I am not literally hiding something from her, but I feel very uncomfortable she doesn’t know something.

So what am I exactly scared of? Well, I guess of losing more than I already lost, especially the house. So this does go back to the fear of poverty.

And I am not fully sure if I should tell my secret, as it may just create the thing I am scared of, even though I realize recently my problem became worse where I have been working on solving this issue last year, but recently I ran out of money again, causing more and more problems, where I thought I was on the way solving them.

So well, tough question, at least the issues it brings into focus with me.

But the whole thing still goes back to things I think I cannot control, like money coming in, having income. And that is where the ideas of Napoleon Hill are conflicting with my experience, although he mentions things related to my situation, like you may be forced to temporarily be dishonest.

So there is some big issue here, as this question makes me feel very uncomfortable and might touch the basics of my (current) problems.

And not sure how to continue now, except the word courage comes into mind. And the word doubt, related to the ‘not sure’ I just wrote.

So work to do here, as there are certainly answers around my avoidance of certain people. And related to that avoidance of looking at problems to be solved.

Self analysis: question 3

Question 3 in the self analysis questions is “Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?” is a question I never really understood as I didn’t believe I made so many mistakes, but recently I noticed that while programming I often use some kind of trial and error message and while starting this post right now I realize I made lots of mistakes, big mistakes, otherwise my business would be thriving right now and not technically bankrupt.

So maybe there is some more to this question than I initially thought, maybe especially thinking of the small programming mistakes I make, at least for now. The large business mistakes I think I need to think a bit more about before writing about them or analyzing them properly.

And the programming mistakes are just related to that that seems to be the fastest way to develop websites, web applications, programs, at least with PHP, the scripting language I use. And it is strange, mentioning PHP, or even using it, as it is kind of the worst programming languages in existence. Or actually it is not even a programming language, it is some kind of script interpreter where ‘anything is allowed’, the worst way of programming in existence, contrary to more formal and real languages like Pascal (the language I learned first) and Java, a more recent, very strict, programming language.

So how I use it is kind of write or change one or a few lines of code, then see if it works and then repeat the process. And apparently that is the fastest way, at least for me, to develop code, to develop the stuff I am making the things I am good at. But with this question in mind and with the idea that I was taught to do something right the first time my method of developing software, my working method appears to be a bit strange. As most code I write has many errors the first time, which I just solve by testing the result and solving the errors.

And thinking further my way of programming is also very weird, as normally one makes some kind of design, preferably written down and discussed with the customer, where I just see the thing I want to build, am building in my head, through my imagination, at least the structure, and then just build it. And recently I read a book about cognitive science and when reading that book I realize I build software, websites, web applications as an expert, as I can’t tell you or anyone else how I do it, I just do it, I just ‘see’ in my head how it is supposed to be and then I build it.

So why do I make so many little mistakes, and also bigger mistakes, sometimes kind of fatal (programming) mistakes that sometimes show up much later, where fatal means that customers or website users would see them.

Well, I guess the why is that I believe that it is the fastest way of building the stuff I make. Or the most efficient. Or the cheapest. As I can type fast and program fast and with that fast pace it is often the fastest way to accept errors and correct them after testing, after checking if it works or not.

But anyhow, the question made me think about the enormous amount of typing and small programming mistakes I make. And that is okay, as it works for me. But right now the question is triggering another question: if I also make so many mistakes in other areas of my life and if that would also be acceptable or the fastest way.

So that is something to think about further, analyze further. But not now.

Thanks for reading and of course comments are very welcome as usual.


It is strange what has been happening the last week or so as somehow it seems something has changed, really changed. You may remember the post from last week or so that I saw myself on the other side of the stream, flowing to success, to riches, instead of poverty, that I had (have?) been able to move to the other side. And that was scary, as it felt so fast and there was nobody there, just me.

And I don’t have that image so much in my mind, but somehow in my real life also things changed, as some people are responding to me now, helping me now, where that never happened before. And just now, fifteen minutes ago also something strange happened, as a client on oDesk had filed a dispute and I expected an e-mail related to this dispute that the client was right and that I would not be paid for my efforts. And to my amazement the message was that the client was not eligible for a refund, so that I was right, not the client. And this was even the message I had been scared of for a few hours, made me hesitant to open my e-mail.

So a lot of positive, but yesterday I again missed my daily Inspiration for Success things within a week, which is very, very uncommon. And there was not even a good reason for it, as I just had visitors and had some fun time with them, which made time fly, so it as around six am this morning that I went to bed, where I had earlier decided that it was no use to fit my daily tasks in.

So a lot going on here and indeed, I am starting to see more and more how fear affects many, many things in a very negative way and that reality can sometimes (or often) turns out positive instead of negative, instead of the thing we are afraid of.

So exciting times and I hope that this will lead to (more) success, so this blog would finally get value, describing someone going from the deepest downs towards success.

Yesterday I missed

Yesterday I missed all my daily tasks related to Inspiration for Success. And I am still feeling a bit uncomfortable about it, but on the other side I also know that sometimes I am just ‘too much’ and should just accept that I am a human being and that forcing things like finishing some (not really important) task ‘just because of finishing the task’ is not the right way to do things. Or maybe I should say is not a good way to do things.

So when I found myself yesterday not having done my daily tasks at four thirty in the morning I decided that it wouldn’t make any sense to spend one or two more hours to send the daily quote and write at least the English blog post.

So yes, when reading about ‘success’, about ‘going the extra mile’ and things like that I should have still done it; as indeed, I could have done it. And yes, I was in doubt whether to do it or not, as there have been only a few occasions, a few days that I didn’t send the daily quote and wrote my blog items. But I quickly decided that I just wanted to sleep and that it didn’t make any sense to do those things…

Ah, and I remember now I did send the daily quote, or at least I think I did. Yes, I sent the second batch early in the morning yesterday.

So weird to see how inflexible I seem to be, something people indicated to me long time ago. So maybe it was good NOT to write my English post yesterday. But I still feel uncomfortable with skipping. So something to think about still.

Reality or addiction?

In my quest for inspiration and success I signed up to quite some sites, meaning I get quite some e-mails with ‘inspirational stuff’. I keep wondering though what is the real story behind it, like are the people behind those sites really into helping people or is it (in the end) all about sales?

Like today I got a very long e-mail from Ed Lester from The Abundance Index pointing to an even longer web page. And the style of the e-mail as well as the webpage is very familiar. As it is written in the style of something that I want. And it is written very well, as I kept on reading, even though I started thinking if it was worth my time reading it all. As it felt like it would lead me to one thing: buying something, which it did. Or clicking on the link if we talk about the e-mail.

And with these type of self help sites, organizations, people, I always see someone very successful or rich or whatever. And they always want to help me. And it seems they always want money for that. And it seems all the people who signed up for their stuff, paid for it, became richer or more successful or whatever.

And I am starting to doubt if it is all true, if you can become successful or rich by buying the stuff on offer.

So maybe worth some more investigation.