Tag Archives: Feeling

The train driver

So there is this train moving with incredible speed and power. And it is carrying a lot of passengers. And all or most of the passengers are very happy on this trip as it is kind of a holiday trip they were invited on. However, the driver of the train is not really happy, even though the trip is actually part of one of his biggest dreams. And seeing all those happy people in the train of course he doesn’t want to spoil their fun, especially this type of thing is basically the reason why he is on the train. And how much he would like to be happy and be part of the fun. But until now he didn’t find a way to tell the passengers of the train that he had to pay for the maintenance of the train and the fuel for the trip. And that how much he would like to enjoy joining the fun his train still is being needed for other trips, other passengers. And that this trip is a big burden for him. As even though he is the owner of the train and very happy and proud to have it, the last few years he didn’t have enough passengers to even pay the mortgage to the bank, let alone the fuel for this trip or the maintenance of the train.

And the passengers were just invited for this trip. And some are poor and wouldn’t be able to pay for the trip. But others are rich and could easily pay for the fuel and maybe even a little for the maintenance of the train.

So how would this train driver tell the passengers how much he would love to just invite them, just pay the fuel and the maintenance of the train. And of course just let them enjoy the train. But sometimes life just doesn’t work like that, sometimes fuel and maintenance just have to be paid.

And no, he just didn’t find a way yet how to deal with this. And he also doesn’t want to hurt anybody or spoil the fun. But inside he is just hurting. As what is happening seems to be unfair. And that is not easy to hide. But most of the passengers just don’t know, can’t know. And they probably feel something is wrong. And that indeed will spoil part of the fun. But how would the train driver let them know what is going on? Especially as this is just all that he wants?

So he feels trapped, trapped between bad choices. As keeping quiet and pretending will hurt, will spoil the fun. As feeling hurt and showing happiness at the same time is virtually impossible. And opening up will hurt in a different way.

So what would the train driver do? Any suggestions where everybody, literally everybody will be happy, happy on this trip that is created to enjoy, have fun?

Too much pressure

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Yesterday I decided to let go of my planning and discipline and fully enjoy a day and spend time with my partner. And also today I was not able or willing to go back to what has suited me so well for the last few weeks. And I don’t feel guilty about it as I know I’m going to pick it up again soon, probably tomorrow.

What is more worrisome is that this morning I felt very tired and couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t get my day started. And it appears it is mostly or fully physical. And I don’t like that as I somehow believe, want to believe in the ideas of Abraham Hicks, the idea of the Law of Attraction. So it seems I am calling this tiredness I feel upon myself. And that makes me feel guilty. And that doesn’t really help make me feel better.

And this depression type feeling is very hard, as when I’m in that mood it is virtually impossible to get out of it, even though rationally I know e.g. that during the day, after I get up, things will improve, mostly. Although the last didn’t really happen today as right now I still feel very tired and it’s even very hard to keep my mind with the writing as I’m kind of feeling like almost falling asleep.

So what am I resisting? Or is this all bullshit and I am just physically ill, just have my hay fever as I had most of my life.

Ah, well, yes, even for these cases Abraham Hicks has some solution. As he teaches something like if you are in ‘that place’, in a place where you don’t feel very well and can’t seem to get out of it, it is just best to look for the feeling that is still ‘the best’, but then related to that situation.

So let’s try that and just stop now, here and just look for the feeling that is ‘the best’ I can reach right now. And that would probably be just to watch some TV and do nothing really.

Enjoy your day!

Planning and habit

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It seems I really developed a habit, the habit of finishing the daily tasks I am planning for myself for the last few weeks. And indeed, habits are strong, as today, this afternoon, the end of the afternoon I felt very tired and I was very annoyed with something that had happened earlier today. But somehow I felt the urge, more urge than usual, to do the things I had planned to do today. So I did, even though I was very sleepy and didn’t really feel like doing it.

And I am still tired and also don’t really feel like writing here. Or even sending the daily quote. But somehow I programmed myself to write, so here I am, writing again.

But the next step is creating more useful habits. As I still don’t feel satisfied most of the time, even though I am becoming very successful in all kinds of things. And I keep telling myself that this is all a build up for the success I am really looking for. And of course that is also true. But as of now it still doesn’t feel like it and I guess that’s what it is all about in life in the end: feeling good.

And I have no real clue if what I am writing here now has any use to you, to others. I do know some people like my daily quotes. And I do know the site has some traffic. But until now hardly any comments, whether positive or negative. And no real contribution from the team. So I still feel quite alone, no matter what I do and no matter how successful I am doing things and achieving things.

Ah, maybe nice to tell and that is that I had planned some time today to work on what I call the IFS Tools. So I did and I am happy to tell you that very soon you will be able to log into the site and e.g. put your goal or goals or definite purpose in the site according to the Principles of Success of Napoleon Hill. And again, I feel a bit alone with it, as in the end I just built it all myself. But yes, as long as I make progress it’s of course okay.

Still, it would be nice to do it in a team or get some feedback from readers. But yes, while writing this I know it will come. As I am starting to believe more and more that most things in life are about being persistent.

And yes, looking back, what a journey I had the last one and a half year. And it all started with the deepest down in my life and a book. Imagine.

Anticlimax

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I had a big issue with the website of one of my customers as due to some bugs in the website code there were a lot of copies of the images in that website taking up quite a lot of disk space. And as I regularly download backups of everything I host in data centers this was, in combination with my internet problems, quite a problem for me.

As this was quite a large job and needed to be done with care it took me a while to start with it, but about one or two weeks ago I found time to start with it. But as the problem was a bit complicated I was not able to finish it in one working segment. So I planned another and another, not pushing myself too much as, again, it was a job to be done with care as a mistake might cost me a lot of time to solve. As one of the risks was that the photo’s would be gone, meaning I would have to upload them from a backup in the office to the hosting server. And that would take a lot of time, as for these type of things internet speed is pretty slow.

Anyhow, today I was kind of committed to finish this project, but it took me still quite some time to get all the bugs out of this small program to delete some stuff that was not needed anymore. Ah, and it was about thousands of photo’s, so not something you would do manually and also quite complicated to check.

So after finally running my last tests on my local system I decided to upload, do one test run (without making changes) and after that looked okay run the final program and solve the problem.

And I was amazed, as the test run was very fast, like a hundred or a thousand times faster than my test runs. It was like a few seconds. And the final run I expected to be slower as it involved quite some data,but no, that was also fast, like a few seconds.

And it really felt like an anticlimax. As I had spend hours, days to create this program. And it just ran for a few seconds and that was the end of it. And to be honest I felt disappointed. Somehow I still expected problems to be solved after running the program or still having problems with the data not properly converted or deleted.

But no, in a few seconds, imagine even over the internet, the program had done its job and the project was finished and the problem was solved. And I didn’t feel satisfied or proud or happy; no, actually I felt dissatisfied and disappointed. And I still feel like that.

So what weird mechanism is working here? I should(?!) feel satisfied and happy and proud as I had solved a major problem that had haunted me for months. And yes, looking back I know I spent the time and the effort to make the program do what it was supposed to do. So I have all reason to be satisfied. And apparently all my testing paid off, as the bugs came out while testing, not in the final run, as it should.

But I had expected some kind of ‘booooom’. Or at least the program running for a few minutes. And I think the last was the major thing, that the final run was just so fast. And then it was over. And the program is never to be ran again. And that’s what I spent hours and days on.

And I know somehow this is very common when achieving success by working for it. Like I often read that ‘success’, that winning in sports for example, is in the training, in the preparation. Not in the game itself, the game that is also often only hours or maybe even parts of an hour.

But still weird, this feeling I had today. And I also still don’t know what to learn from it,even though there are quotes in my mind like the journey is more important than the goal. And I also know from riding a bicycle climbing mountains in the end it’s about the climb, not about the going down. As also there the climb is hours and hours, and the going down is often less than an hour.

But seconds versus hours and days? That’s still weird.

Unreasonable and angry

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My partner was just very angry and unreasonable and fortunately I was able to stay calm, even though I gave in in the end to something he wanted, even though I did not agree. And I always give in as I don’t know any other way (yet).

So I found myself kind of frustrated and also with some kind of withheld, even though slowly I see that this is just what he believes, his view how the world should be, like me supporting and serving him in everything. And I know in general I do much more than he does. And mostly I don’t mind as that’s how he feels (and I feel). But no, not easy if you feel there is so little coming back, that many of my needs are not being met.

But yes, I’m learning how to deal with things better. And my recent actions around planning, learning to plan, sticking to my daily plans, just doing the things I planned for today and not doing the things I planned for tomorrow or next week, help me. So yes, applying the principles of success like sticking to decisions and making a planning and writing things down and trying to listen to Infinite Intelligence, my inner voice, are slowly helping me to be more happy. As I guess in the end that’s what it’s all about.

So while sending my daily quote I played some music I liked. And I realized that this music, this kind of violent, aggressive music has been made by people who are ‘in flow’. So I saw the drummer and the singer and the mixer in my mind doing their thing, creating this beautiful thing they call music that I can play right here, just touching some buttons and dials. And I tried to suck in the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger of my partner an hour or so ago. And at first I tried to let it flow,flow out again, but it made me even feel more empty. But then I realized I was just empty and that it was OK to just let it in, suck it in, filling up the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger and unreasonable demands of my partner. So apparently taking in anger takes energy, an enormous amount of energy.

And yes, I know that just giving anger in return, getting angry at the other person, especially with my partner, just will make things worse, like fighting fire with fire, which in general is not a good idea, although of course sometimes it can be an option.

So then, while resting a bit from work, I tried to find some diversion and thought I might just check quotes related to ‘deal with anger’. So I ended up in Google seeing something like:

“The first key to leadership was self-control, particularly the mastery of pride, which was something more difficult, he explained, to subdue than a wild lion and anger, which was more difficult to defeat than the greatest wrestler. He warned them that “if you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead”.” ― Jack Weatherford.

And it appealed to me so I went to quotes about anger management and found the quote I sent today:

“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Laozi.

And of course the ‘never angry’ is unreasonable, as humans are humans. And I guess I still have a lot of pride. But it seems I’m on the right way, becoming a better human being, maybe able to lead others to a better world and more happiness.

But it’s not always easy.

So what do you want to be? A leader or a follower?