Tag Archives: Private

(Mis)understanding

I got myself again into something I completely don’t understand. Or maybe I understand, but I have no clue how to get out of it.

So I got myself this job on oDesk a few days ago. And I was amazed as, and I think I wrote about that before, I don’t have good experience with sites like that. And the start was kind of weird, as I just wanted to do something, something simple, so I applied for a job that mentioned, among other things, The Philippines. And I put an, in my opinion, low rate, as to just build ‘something’ on oDesk, as it helps to build e.g. a reputation with good feedback.

And to my amazement shortly after I got an e-mail and found myself having an interview with a customer, someone who wanted my services. And it was a bit a weird conversation, as he was looking for someone for longer term. But the hourly rate was a big issue for him, and also for me. But anyhow, I needed the money, and somehow he was interested and needed some work done, so we decided on some small test, where I put somewhere in the comments of oDesk something like ‘test project to get to know each other’.

And while this all was happening I found myself working on a mini-project already, which was about some, according to me, non-issue in programming. So I found myself spending like two hours figuring out what the client wanted, where in the end the real issue was a ‘one minute’ program change that I had also kind of done in the first minute. And to my amazement the customer was very happy, where I felt very awkward, as in my feeling we just spend two hours on a ‘non-issue’. But somehow it made me very happy, as I know this is exactly the thing I often makes mistakes with, don’t understand. How other people can be happy with something that is ‘nothing’ for me.

And I need to think now what happened after, but yes, it came back, as it was late in the evening for me (and somewhere afternoon for him) and he wanted something else done, so we agreed I would continue with another project the next morning. So he we discussed what he wanted to be done and we agreed I would work on it the next morning.

So the next morning I was very happy to have work and first opened my e-mail to see if there were further instructions, which there weren’t. So the next morning, yesterday, I just started to work, only to find out shortly after that there was indeed an e-mail indicating that the work already had been started by someone else, so that my services were not needed. Of course this made me very disappointed, as I could really use the work and also just liked having a paid job again, since quite some time. Anyhow, there was nothing I could do, so I just stopped the work and went on with other things, including helping a friend in the afternoon with preparing for hanging speakers and paintings on the wall, as she just has a new house. And after a meeting about my current own project DoctorsConnect and a meeting with another client.

And to my amazement I received a phone call from my oDesk client around six pm indicating that there was work available and if I would be able and willing to work. So again, as I could really use the money, I indicated I expected to be home about four hours later and could work for him.

And the four hours became something like six hours, but around midnight I turned on my computer and was ready to work. And the first assignment was to make final changes to the stuff that another, the other, oDesk employee apparently had made. And I didn’t fully get it, as it appeared the page was almost finished, as letting someone else make changes in a design and html code didn’t make any sense to me, as working on someone else’s code is often very time consuming, which in this case it really was, as the other person had used quite a weird way to create that page, a way that I guess most web developers wouldn’t understand straight away. But as my client was very happy with the other employee, as he had been very happy with my earlier work and as, for me, it was a cheap, hourly contract, I decided just to follow, to do what was asked without complaining or giving any advice or whatever. Just do the best I could within the limits that were given. And of course reporting very faithful my activities in the oDesk tool for hourly jobs, as I just felt a ‘stupid’ worker being hired for programming and html skills. Especially I didn’t want to comment on the other person’s work, as my client appeared very, very happy with him, even though I thought his solution was very bad. But the client had indicated that he didn’t mind about code quality, as long as it looked as he wanted. So again, no reason for me to complain, as especially this kind of situation, maintaining very bad code from another person, where I didn’t even have access to part of it, can make even the simplest change very time consuming.

So I started making the requested changes, only to find out that also the instructions for the changes were giving in a way that took me quite some checking and reading and re-checking to try to figure out what my client exactly wanted. And of course I was very tired, which I indicated to the client, including a remark that this meant that things would take more time than usual. And which he agreed with, as he made clear he really wanted it done right now.

So I decided to give up even my daily posts and the sending of my daily quote and my hours of sleep, where you may know that not doing my daily tasks related to Inspiration for Success is a big thing for me. But I need the money and I was very happy that God had sent me this job and I wanted to satisfy the customer and show that I was really determined to make it work, so I decided to keep working until my client appeared offline and didn’t respond anymore and my colleague indicated he was going to sleep. And as I got more and more sleepy and the instructions were less clear than I thought they were I decided also it was enough around four am, I think it may even have been four thirty am.

And then the whole thing also kind of didn’t make sense anymore, as what was the use continuing working on something nobody would see or use before the next afternoon, this afternoon, as my client is located in Europe. And I was just tired and I guess mainly because of that lost and confused, so the whole thing didn’t make sense, as it hadn’t done anyhow, as even when I began the whole thing it could have never been finished anyhow, unless I would have worked without sleep until noon or this afternoon today. So I also still didn’t understand the client, as I could have done the whole thing last Friday, or I could have done it today, fully rested and much more efficient. But, as I had decided to follow the client and as he also didn’t respond anymore I didn’t see any reason not to go to sleep, also as continuing didn’t make any sense anyhow, as the assignment was not clear enough.

So this morning I woke up very late and very stressed. And I felt very bad, as last night I basically hadn’t delivered anything, but, as I was working on an hourly contract and the client had asked me to spend the time, I didn’t feel I had done anything wrong.

Anyhow, after a while I decided to go to work and during my break I had decided to continue with another assignment the client had given me. An assignment I could do fully on my own, creating clean code as I am used to, also presuming I could do that much faster. And of course showing to the client that my way of creating stuff is good and more efficient. One of the reasons I wanted the job, also to challenge myself, testing if I am really that good.

And it took me more time than expected to create the basic thing, but as usual I just pushed through, even though the client also seemed to be a bit impatient. And I thought I kept the client updated of what I was doing, including samples of the work, and I presumed that the oDesk time tracking system was my ‘safety’ for the worked hours, only to find out that the client became more and more impatient and seemed to be more and more unhappy with what I had been doing.

So after finishing my initial draft of the second assignment, which I was very satisfied with, things started to feel more and more wrong. And the main issue seemed to be the assignment from last night, the work I did because the client had asked me to, even though it didn’t make much sense to me. My ‘following orders’, following the client, trying to satisfy the client on an hourly contract. Where I thought I had indicated that I was tired and that things probably would take longer. And where I had to deal with bad code of which the client had indicated he didn’t care about that. And where I had sacrificed my nightly hours, where I basically wanted to relax and sleep as I had had a very busy day.

So the situation got from bad to worse, where the client demanded me to refund the time from last night, the time that had cost me so much, even before, as I felt very pressured to go home when I was still in the city. And he demanded me to finish both assignments in one and a half hour, something I didn’t feel comfortable about anymore, as it was not clear to me anymore what he exactly wanted, especially related to the first assignment. And the whole thing had made me careful about the second assignment, as if he wanted multiple iterations for that page it might take hours, regardless how efficient I would be with the code, something I believe I am. So finishing an unclear assignment being tired, my Saturday coming to an end and the client not even willing to cooperate anymore giving feedback, where I became unsure of being paid anyhow for anything. No, that didn’t feel good, especially when the client started demanding a decision from me, choices between ‘bad’, ‘worse’ or ‘very bad’. Like finishing all the work, which would certainly take hours, meaning my weekend would probably be fully gone. A client not willing to cooperate like giving proper feedback, or things like refunding hours, like half the time I spent for the whole assignment where I already agreed on a rate I consider very low.

So it became later and later, also as I needed time to think and relax, and the client started pushing and pushing more, finally even calling me on my mobile, which I felt really offended about, as it is still my Saturday evening which I consider private. Or actually I consider all my time mine, as we didn’t make any agreements on which times to work. He only indicated 20 hours in the contract. So it appeared that I was actually working on a project basis and not on an hourly basis.

So after the phone call I found that he had called me on Skype. And it seems he felt offended I was not replying. But I was just away and I might have just replied when I would have been at my computer.

And keep in mind that this all happened on a Saturday, the latest part even Saturday evening. Where the client had indicated he didn’t want to pay me anymore, so I had also stopped the time registration. And he had indicated all my work was bad. And finally it seemed he wanted me to deliver the bad work. Which was basically available to him online. But he didn’t want to pay me (anymore).

So yes, I felt and feel lost. And yes, while writing the above I also realize a bit more how this must be for my client. But I think I also offered him fair solutions. And to me we are just not finalized with our negotiation. And yes, I understand he is under time pressure. But if he wants my time, especially in the weekend and especially in this situation, I think it is just fair to pay me. Keep in mind I didn’t commit my time. As to me 20 hours per week would normally be working days, unless agreed otherwise. But he also didn’t want to give ma a planning. And if my work is so bad, then why does he want it? Why doesn’t he just hire someone else.

Anyhow, I guess you get the point, or not. And you may think the main reason for writing this post and publishing it here is to just vent my feelings and explain how ‘right’ I am. And I guess of course that is part of it. But the main reason to start writing here about this is that the client appears to be Sunil Tulsiani. And his Private Investment Club. So apparently this is about someone who is very successful, very rich. Or at least pretends to be.

So that made me think something like if this is the way to become rich, to be rich, to be successful, complaining about five hours of work at USD 10.00 per hour, so USD 50.00, where I on receive USD 9.00 per hour, so USD 45.00, I don’t fully get it.

And yes, of course I understand that becoming rich is also, or may be, about being careful with USD 50.00. And that he wants ‘results’. And that it needs to be perfect. But I don’t understand why someone like Sunil Tulsiani, a millionaire, would make such a fuzz about USD 50.00 where to me there is just a misunderstanding between parties, where the supplier may have made a mistake or mistakes, but where I believe the client also has made mistakes.

So well, I was already starting to doubt all those ‘success sites’. And all those people claiming to be millionaires. And I am starting to doubt more now, about all those stories, all those millionaires. So should I believe Sunil Tulsiani? Would you?

Emotional Intelligence

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Wow, my aunt created something by mentioning I could use some more emotional intelligence. As while reading about emotional intelligence on the Dutch Wikipedia I ended up in the site ‘eqi‘ that has a wealth about, well humans, human needs. And what happens when human needs are not met.

And suddenly, while reading about respect, I realized that my needs had not been taken into account when I grew up, that my dad ruled with fear, not with respect. And that this is probably the cause why my life went as it went, is what it is. As I only know fear, not respect.

And don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with my dad, as he just did what he could, did what he thought was best, I guess, or actually I am sure, even more. But it was not enough, not for me, not for my needs.

And right now I feel very relaxed, even though while writing this sentence the fear jumps up again, as it seems I am just scared to be relaxed, to be me. Just scared that I count, that my feelings and needs and wants count. And not my dads, yes, what, also needs and feelings and wants?

So an hour or so ago I was overwhelmed with fatigue, so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lie down, and I did. But it felt good as it seems I got answers, maybe the most important answer in my life so far, that it may be all about respect, not fear.

And I was thinking about my dad, how he had become like he did. And I always wonder if it was because he served in the military at a very young age, something he didn’t want, something he was forced to do. And something I know also had a big influence on his life, his career, as he often mentioned those few years just put him behind, just made he felt always behind his colleagues who had not had that three year break. And right now I am thinking if I inherited that thinking from him, as I also always felt behind in my career, not sure knowing why, except that I had quite some difficulties in my youth when I grew up, partially or mainly because I am gay.

And it is strange, thinking about my dad, as if he were as strong, as stubborn as I am, it may indeed have been very true that he was broken by the military discipline (Dutch word ‘tucht’). Or maybe he was broken additionally by losing his wife at a pretty young age, together with the child she was bearing. And I guess there was no psychological help at the time, no internet where you can find all those things, thoughts about things like grieving and fear and respect. Or maybe it also started earlier for him, when he had to take care of his semi-brother, the son of a brother and sister of his, at least that is waht I know, even though I don’t know the full story about that. But I know my dad was being teased about it at school, by his classmates or something.

And yes, while thinking, those things made him also believe he ‘had to’ do all kinds of things, the phrase I am most haunted by, ‘have to’. He even took care of his semi-brother when he was old as apparently people closer to uncle Gerard, like his real father or mother or their children, didn’t seem to care. Or just didn’t know they could have done it.

So maybe there are parallels with me also there, as I felt obliged to be the responsible person for my sister, who was mentally handicapped. And that has put me in great trouble now, even though of course I made the mistakes there myself. And that feels so unfair, as I felt obliged, and did take the responsibility, only to find out that now I am in trouble and blamed for all kinds of things, things that would have never happened if I hadn’t felt obliged.

So yeah, this reading about fear and respect and realizing that this all comes from the family I grew up in, made me think about my dad, about his life, how it had all come to be. So it feels like my heart opens right now, seeing the life of my dad, asking myself how he dealt with all those things, impossible things to deal with. And I guess if he were still alive I would have liked to know more about that, how he became what he became, but maybe he wouldn’t know, maybe he had locked his feelings also away, same like me.

And while writing the last I realize he told me about that, that there were things he had locked away, things he didn’t want to touch, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to know. What a pity he probably was never able to deal with those things and live a happy, free life.

And he always looked so controlled, and always said he was happy. But I never believed him, and neither did my mam, as she also always said something like ‘he says he is happy’. And I know my mam was kind of jealous of that, that my dad was ‘happy’.

And maybe he was, maybe he did find a way to deal with all the bad stuff that had happened to him in his life. But the more I think about this now, the more I don’t believe that, the more I believe that he must have been very unhappy, just coping with life, similar to what I seem to have been doing most of my life.

So I guess I will ask him, later today, in my mind. And maybe this time he will open up, as it felt that he never really opened up to me. Maybe those were just the things that stood between him and me, the things he couldn’t talk about, the things he had hidden away, or found some other way to deal with.

So I guess I have to thank my aunt for her e-mail, for being blunt and honest with me, in her own way. And I am still not sure what is really going on inside her, as recently she appeared in the way my mam often describes her, ‘nuchter’ (down to earth), same as she described my dad. And it seems I also lost her, as she indicated she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. And I am always in doubt with her, as she always says I should not write here, and in my Dutch blog, especially my Dutch blog, in public. But I also know she reads at least the stuff in my Dutch blog, very regularly. And that always makes me smile, especially as I know I don’t have so many readers there, but I know I have, or had, a loyal reader. And the strange thing is she may even be the person that helps me continue writing, especially my Dutch blog. As I know I have at least one reader and yes, writing in public is also a way for me to tell people things, so sometimes I try to tell her things, just like now. That somehow I appreciate her, even though I understand her less and less recently. And that she is still helping me, even much, much more than before, when she was the only one who I felt understood what was going on here.

So no, I don’t want to offend her. I am just looking for ways to tell her I appreciate her being there for me, even though she may not fully understand what I mean and that I think it is really genuine. And is it love, no not really. I don’t know exactly what it is. But I am just thankful for everything she has done and is doing for me, even if she is not communicating.

And I guess I am not good at these things, just talk too much, like now. So let this be it.

Napoleon

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I know what I am planning to write may be a bit strange and may not fit the purpose of the site, but as you may know I have been experimenting the last few days, the last week, with a ‘virtual private cabinet’ as Napoleon Hill said he created, had, for a long time. And me being me I have kind of been forcing the members of my cabinet to have their own personality as Napoleon Hill states the members of his cabinet had. And of course that didn’t really work, as forcing things mostly or never work. But tonight I had a very strange experience, as somehow indeed the members of my virtual private cabinet started to do ‘their own thing’.

Napoleon Bonaparte And one of the strangest thing was that Napoleon (Bonaparte) took the place of Gandhi. And his reason was that Gandhi was too weak a person for me, that I needed a more strong person. And Gandhi just left, I don’t know where he went and if he would be back.

And some more strange things happened. As some people were late, like Donald Trump and Napoleon Hill. Or actually everybody was late. And it all started with the remark that I was just waiting, somehow indicating that I didn’t really wanted a meeting, needed a meeting. So it was a bit chaotic, where Richard Branson as usual was very friendly and supporting.

Ah, and what probably started all this was that yesterday I started reading Napoleon‘s biography on Wikipedia. And I was amazed about what I found there, as it seems he was defeated and failed many times. And my feeling and I guess the feeling of most people is that he was very successful. But apparently he was not.

And right now I am a bit amazed with how he looks like, about the photo’s(?!) I am finding from him. As he looks completely different from the image I have of him and how he appears in the meetings, in my imagination.

So strange, to see those people, those imaginations of mine, come alive. And I still don’t know what to think of it, if it indeed is my own imagination playing tricks with me, or if there is indeed some kind of reality, some kind of connection to the real original person.

More to follow I guess. And very interesting to me, and for some of you maybe worth a try. And no, it’s not scary, at least not to me. I’m just looking for help and they are helping me. And that’s a big thing to me, as it’s not easy for me to find people, friends in real life helping me.

Finally on the way?

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Am I finally on the way to success, to more happiness, or maybe just to happiness?

And I don’t know how to make this into an inspiring post, but I am discovering more and more that I am codependent. And a phone call with my mam tonight confirms some very dysfunctional stuff in our family, as she acts like she is fully helpless and ‘cannot do anything’, which is not true, as she did sign some very important papers as ‘she had no other option’. And the strange thing to me is still that she says she ‘does everything’ for her children, especially me, but when I want or need something from her ‘she cannot do it’.

Anyhow, I don’t want to talk about my mam, but it seems there is a lot of codependent behavior in my family, where probably I and my sister are the ‘target’ of my mams codependency. And somehow my dad was also a ‘target’, as I saw my mam do everything for him, instead of setting healthy boundaries. And my dad must have been part of the system that kept it all going also, ‘needing my mam’.

So I found myself in this weird discussion with my mam where I tried to settle some stuff related to the death of my sister last week. As my mam, my other sister and I are the heirs of my sister and responsible of arranging the legal stuff. And to me it is relatively simple to settle the inheritance of my sister as she was a special child living in a mental institution. This means she only has a few thing like a closet, a bed, clothes, some toys, etc and some money on the bank. And most of the financial stuff I know as I used to be her curator, being responsible for all the legal stuff.

The strange thing however was that I was no part of any arranging of her funeral as my mam ‘had to follow the undertaker’ and ‘there was no time to involve me’ as I live far away in The Philippines. So I tried to involve myself by asking if the undertaker could call me to set up a video connection as I was not able and willing to go to The Netherlands and with current technology it shouldn’t be that difficult to be present through some video conferencing system. Even the common Skype would do perfect for that purpose and only requires internet and a laptop or something. But no, nobody called me, even though there were two days available to arrange something like that. And as far as I know undertakers always work under time pressure, so my request or anything ‘there is no time’ doesn’t make any sense to me.

Anyhow, when Thursday afternoon and evening Philippine time, which is the Dutch morning and beginning of the afternoon nothing had happened, I knew nothing would be arranged anymore, as the funeral was Friday morning Dutch time. So I decided to just make my own plans and let the funeral be, even though it hurt a little, but not that much.

And right now I find myself in the same situation. As my mam somehow has instructed a notary public to deal with things like payment of the funeral and other bills. Which to me she does not even have the right to, at least not on behalf of the heirs, but that’s not the point. So I had this discussion with her yesterday, that Suzan, my other sister, she and I could just arrange the stuff ourselves and that I am even willing to do most of the work. And as she got very upset yesterday because ‘bills have to be paid’ and ‘maybe there is not enough money’ to pay for the funeral, I decided to not push through yesterday with deciding who is going to do what.

But today I got the feeling to call her again, especially as I found out that my mams notary had been sending e-mails to third parties about legal stuff they don’t have the right to as far as I know. And again, they fully bypassed me, where I expected a phone call or e-mail from them to check with me how I thought things should be handled. And maybe also because I know all the details about Janneke’s finance. I mean, it’s easiest to check those things with me, as I have the overview.

But no, nothing, not even after I sent them an e-mail that I felt a bit bypassed, being the brother and one of the heirs.

So I called again. And ended up in the same discussion, my mam kind of blaming me that she can’t sleep because of, well, it seems money problems, where as far as I know Janneke has enough capital. So contrary to my mam I am more worried about inheritance tax that needs to be paid than about not enough money available for the funeral or stone repair as she is buried in a family grave. So while I was trying to get an answer how my mam, Suzan and I would like to have all these legal things arranged, my mam had only one solution: the notary public who is going to pay the bills. And in my opinion he can’t do that, as he would need the permission of all three of us to do that. But for my mam there is only one way: the notary is going to do this as ‘there is no other way’.

So I am trying to learn from this, like if my mam is also codependent and if I am a bit like my mam, do I behave the same in similar or other situations? And if so, how can I change that, so a ‘normal’ negotiation would be possible?

And another thing I am trying to learn is how to deal with this person who has only one solution in mind and doesn’t want to budge. As I also want something, and that is just a decision on how we are going to do all this. And yes, maybe there is a similarity, as I also want that ‘now, now, now’, where there is no real time pressure.

Ah, but one thing I think I learned, and that is not giving in to the sad stories of my mam. The ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do anything’ thing. As that is just not true, that is just victim behavior. And indeed, I am not responsible for my mams feelings as she chooses this behavior (which is not easy, as I know she is really worried and does not sleep).

So for now I decided just to lie low and do nothing, but somehow that feels like passive aggressive behavior. And this means I still have something to learn, similar to find a way to communicate with my sister, who at the moment only wants to communicate through WhatsApp, something I don’t use and yes, installed on one of our computers giving in to my sister.

Breakdown

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So last night I had a complete breakdown, even though I was much more conscious of what was going on with me than ever before, so somehow I made a deliberate choice to stay in this state of, well, not sure what word would be applicable. Maybe something like ‘complete opposition’ or something. So I decided not to send the daily inspirational quote and not to write my posts. Which is a big thing to me, so you can imagine how I felt, how annoyed I was.

And it all started somewhere like last Saturday, when I decided not to pay the helper. As my partner, as usual, had decided to stay away longer than he planned. And as the last months I decided it is easier to deal with my partner, with our budget, by just giving all, or actually most, of the income to my partner, I had no budget left. As he had left me only budget for a few days, which was actually not even enough, especially because I had a large hospital bill last week. For which I withdrew money from the ‘floating cash’ as I call it. Actually meaning I was just plainly borrowing money, as that money is not mine, it is money in transfer to be deposited to our company.

And I am a bit hesitant writing all this, as it is very private and should not be in the open. It should be dealt with by my partner and me discussing it. But until now I, or maybe I should say we, did not find a way to deal with our budget issues, which kind of worries me, as in the end I always gave in and borrowed money again (indirectly, that is important to know, so there is no actual borrowing from ‘someone’). As of course you need to eat. And the dogs need to be fed. And the helper needs to be paid. And yes, last Monday, the medical bills needed to be paid.

Anyhow, all those details about the issues my partner and me have are not really relevant to what I wanted to write. But it may give some background on the behavior I chose yesterday. As as usual my partner made some remarks like ‘if you behave like that I better not come home’ and such. Meaning I felt like ‘here we go again’. And don’t get me wrong, I am doing much better with all of this, mainly based on the ideas of Kim Cooper. But sometimes, like the last few days, especially yesterday when my partner actually came back, I just feel like I’m back at square one. Or at least have no clue what to do to improve the situation. As no matter what I do, my partner seems to stay in this state of “it’s your fault”, including completely withdrawing from everything related to me.

So I just decided to write about it. And while doing so I at least I realize more and more that it’s not my fault, that it has nothing to do with me. As it’s just especially my partner having a terrible mood or not knowing how to deal with things. And apparently this is just his way of dealing with it. Just as I did by just going to bed last night and staying there. As no place in the house felt ‘safe’, meaning a place my partner wouldn’t find any reason to put more blame on me.

And going back to you I think my main reason for writing about this is that I have improved, a lot, to dealing with my partners bad behavior, even though sometimes, like last night, I still break down and don’t exactly know what to do, except hide. But at least this time I made a more deliberate choice, like deciding that I would not do my daily ‘inspirational things’, even though that was a big thing to me. And right now I am trying to convince myself that it’s okay to do that, that it was okay last night to put myself above my obligations to other people, as I feel I have an obligation to send my daily inspirational quote. And maybe most that I am not perfect, something I often try to be, like pushing myself to do the things I planned to do.

So please don’t be perfect, be human.