Author Archives: Guus

Self analysis: question 7

The question for today is a tough one: “Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?”. Or maybe not, as somehow I appreciate life and somehow I still have hope for the future. But recently I often kind of ask my Higher Power if He would not allow me to go, let me die, as I am so tired of the life I have been living most of my life. And often I wish I had died five and a half years ago when I had a very bad motorcycle accident and indeed almost died. So does life seem futile to me and does the future seem hopeless to me, no, not really, but I am tired, very, very tired of living life in poverty and in kind of survival mode for a long, long time. And somehow I don’t have any clue how to change that, even though I keep on trying to make it work, like starting new projects or still trying to somehow revive my business.

And am I living a really poor life like having no food or something? No, not really, or certainly not, at least not compared to the majority of the people in the world I guess. But I do miss the extra’s, the holidays and being able to move around more easily, having a car. And I am tired of not having enough income, meaning I am still getting deeper into debt, even though I still have more, probably much more capital than I owe.

And I am not sure how to deal with this question further, like I could go back into my past to figure out how it all started, but I did that many times and I didn’t get a real answer from that, including not really knowing what caused my failures in career, in business.

And yes, I know that part or maybe all of my debts are related to giving in to my partner too much, until today, or actually one or two weeks ago. As I doubt I would have borrowed money if I would have been on my own. And of course that reminds me of the statement somewhere in Think and Grow Rich about choosing the wrong mate, and maybe I did that. But relationship, romantic love is or at least has been the most important thing in my life, even though also in that area I am tired as things didn’t work out as I imagined them, expected them.

So thinking about analysis the questions arise with me now if I should choose another career or another life partner. And looking at ‘reality’ I guess I should. But somehow I don’t want to, as I don’t really see a better alternative as I fear(?!) that changing career (or location) or partner wouldn’t really change anything, even though I guess another partner, someone who can give me more of what I need, might solve a lot of things, might even solve ‘everything’.

Ah, and something else that arises with me now is that I have the feeling that most of my life I have been running away from things, from bad things, from failures, from defeat. And about two years ago when I started with Think and Grow Rich I somehow decided this time I would stay, this time I would continue with the things I started. And so I did. With no real change, until now, as that is what I believe now. But somehow also something changed, somehow I have the feeling that the change, the good life (again) is very near, that if e.g. DoctorsConnect pushes through that may just be may way out of poverty, into success, into riches. And somehow I have the feeling that recently something changed in my relationship.

So let’s just wait a little longer, let’s persist a little longer.

Self analysis, question 6

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Until now the question “Do you suffer frequently with indigestion? If so, what is the cause” completely didn’t make sense to me, including other references to the word indigestion in Think and Grow Rich as I never had any problems going to the toilet or something, like not being able to digest.

Just now I decided to check what indigestion really means and to my amazement it includes or is mainly related to stomach problems. And the last few months I had quite severe stomach problems, like a burning feeling, even so bad that it affects my sleep, my falling to sleep.

So yes, recently I suffer from indigestion, even a lot. So this question suddenly seems to be related to me, while before I couldn’t relate it in any way to me.

And what I the cause? I have no clue, but I guess it has something to do with some kind of viral or bacterial infection that had gone away after visiting a doctor and taking medicines, but that has come back somewhere during the last week or so, even though the burning feeling has been present for a while now.

So well, something to think about. And maybe something I should have checked after reading Wikipedia.

Self analysis, question 5

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The question “Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so, why?” is a tough one to answer in public, as since that question is in my mind I realize there are quite some people I avoid or am scared of.

So I am not fully sure if I deliberately avoid the association with people, but I do deliberately avoid people because I am scared of them. And that kind of worries me, as it means I have issues I am avoiding, issues I don’t want to deal with. And it means that I lack self confidence, lack courage to deal with things I am not proud of, mistakes I made.

So do I also deliberately avoid the association of anyone? I guess so, but right now I don’t remember any specific sample of that.

So maybe go back to the avoidance of certain people, which I certainly do. And I have one specific person in mind I am avoiding as I am keeping a secret from her. Or actually I am not literally hiding something from her, but I feel very uncomfortable she doesn’t know something.

So what am I exactly scared of? Well, I guess of losing more than I already lost, especially the house. So this does go back to the fear of poverty.

And I am not fully sure if I should tell my secret, as it may just create the thing I am scared of, even though I realize recently my problem became worse where I have been working on solving this issue last year, but recently I ran out of money again, causing more and more problems, where I thought I was on the way solving them.

So well, tough question, at least the issues it brings into focus with me.

But the whole thing still goes back to things I think I cannot control, like money coming in, having income. And that is where the ideas of Napoleon Hill are conflicting with my experience, although he mentions things related to my situation, like you may be forced to temporarily be dishonest.

So there is some big issue here, as this question makes me feel very uncomfortable and might touch the basics of my (current) problems.

And not sure how to continue now, except the word courage comes into mind. And the word doubt, related to the ‘not sure’ I just wrote.

So work to do here, as there are certainly answers around my avoidance of certain people. And related to that avoidance of looking at problems to be solved.

Self analysis, question 4

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“Are you sarcastic and offensive in your conversation?” certainly applies to me, or at least applied to me as I think I made quite some progress with that after I found out there was something wrong with that. As I thought I did that because I wanted to make other people think, help them, help them improve themselves, but I am starting to see that that behavior has everything to me and also is offensive to other people as I don’t appreciate who they are, don’t accept them as they are.

And recently I am often wondering when and where I developed that behavior and it must go way back as I know especially my dad didn’t understand why I was always against everything, took the other side.

And the reason was very simple, as I am good at playing the devil’s advocate. Or I was and I liked it, just to sharpen my thinking, like looking at all the arguments from all sides. But slowly I am starting to realize there may be much more going on around that, that I indeed have lost myself somewhere on the road, some very long time ago. And that my very well go back to that same dad who didn’t understood who I was, what I needed, what I wanted.

So yeah, some work to do, as I still don’t know who I am and that may just be exactly the reason why I have not been successful until now. As I probably have just been trying to live someone else’s life, the life of what society expects from me or something. And that obviously doesn’t work, at least not for me.

Self analysis: question 3

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Question 3 in the self analysis questions is “Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?” is a question I never really understood as I didn’t believe I made so many mistakes, but recently I noticed that while programming I often use some kind of trial and error message and while starting this post right now I realize I made lots of mistakes, big mistakes, otherwise my business would be thriving right now and not technically bankrupt.

So maybe there is some more to this question than I initially thought, maybe especially thinking of the small programming mistakes I make, at least for now. The large business mistakes I think I need to think a bit more about before writing about them or analyzing them properly.

And the programming mistakes are just related to that that seems to be the fastest way to develop websites, web applications, programs, at least with PHP, the scripting language I use. And it is strange, mentioning PHP, or even using it, as it is kind of the worst programming languages in existence. Or actually it is not even a programming language, it is some kind of script interpreter where ‘anything is allowed’, the worst way of programming in existence, contrary to more formal and real languages like Pascal (the language I learned first) and Java, a more recent, very strict, programming language.

So how I use it is kind of write or change one or a few lines of code, then see if it works and then repeat the process. And apparently that is the fastest way, at least for me, to develop code, to develop the stuff I am making the things I am good at. But with this question in mind and with the idea that I was taught to do something right the first time my method of developing software, my working method appears to be a bit strange. As most code I write has many errors the first time, which I just solve by testing the result and solving the errors.

And thinking further my way of programming is also very weird, as normally one makes some kind of design, preferably written down and discussed with the customer, where I just see the thing I want to build, am building in my head, through my imagination, at least the structure, and then just build it. And recently I read a book about cognitive science and when reading that book I realize I build software, websites, web applications as an expert, as I can’t tell you or anyone else how I do it, I just do it, I just ‘see’ in my head how it is supposed to be and then I build it.

So why do I make so many little mistakes, and also bigger mistakes, sometimes kind of fatal (programming) mistakes that sometimes show up much later, where fatal means that customers or website users would see them.

Well, I guess the why is that I believe that it is the fastest way of building the stuff I make. Or the most efficient. Or the cheapest. As I can type fast and program fast and with that fast pace it is often the fastest way to accept errors and correct them after testing, after checking if it works or not.

But anyhow, the question made me think about the enormous amount of typing and small programming mistakes I make. And that is okay, as it works for me. But right now the question is triggering another question: if I also make so many mistakes in other areas of my life and if that would also be acceptable or the fastest way.

So that is something to think about further, analyze further. But not now.

Thanks for reading and of course comments are very welcome as usual.