Author Archives: Guus

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.

My music and depression

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I always liked playing music, first listen to the radio, then creating my own music collection, first on tape, copying from the radio and then, yes, records, vinyl. And right now I have a vast collection of MP3 files, as far as I know more than 20,000.

And I always wanted to play music, but never really got started. I don’t know exactly why, as I think I have feeling for it. Right now my budget is stopping me, as I wanted to learn to play drums, but I can’t afford a drum set.

And again, I don’t really feel like writing, but I just want to write a short note, a reminder. And while writing I realize that my current depression period, my period of feeling bad and paralyzed, may be coming to an end, fortunately.

Ah, yes, I wanted to be famous, as an actor, or with music, or both. And rich. And what made me start this post was that I just read about the life of Annie Lennox in Wikipedia:

Personal life

Lennox has been married three times. Her first marriage, from 1984 to 1985, was to German Hare Krishna devotee Radha Raman.[88] From 1988 to 2000, she was married to Israeli film and record producer Uri Fruchtmann.[89] The couple have two daughters, Lola and Tali. A son, Daniel, was stillborn in 1988. On 15 September 2012, Lennox married Mitch Besser, in London in a private ceremony.

In September 2012, Lennox featured in Series 9 of the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are?, in which she discovered that her great-great-grandmother Jessie Fraser worked, at the age of 13, at the Broadford Flax Mill in Aberdeen. Her maternal grandmother, Dora Paton, was a dairy maid at the Balmoral Royal Estate and her maternal grandfather, William Ferguson, was a gamekeeper also at Balmoral, who on one occasion danced with the then queen consort of the United Kingdom, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon.

Both of Lennox’s parents died of cancer. Lennox is an agnostic and a feminist. In the 2010 Sunday Times Rich List of British millionaires from the world of music, Lennox was estimated to have a fortune of £30 million.

And I often feel bad, because I don’t have and had the love life I wanted and still want and I am not good in earning anymore and such. And I don’t really have money anymore. So I often look up to rich and famous people. And this one paragraph in Wikipedia made me realize the life of Annie Lennox also had and probably still has, some deep downs, like also not managing to have the relationship she always dreamed of. Quite some statements: been married three times, a stillborn son, both her parents died of cancer. And some more stuff about her working as a bar maid and such in early life and apparently not knowing what to do with her life after study.

So yeah, it seems we all have our struggles and losses and things. Can money and fame ever replace a stillborn son or broken marriages?

Torture

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I have no clue why I am putting this photo here. I like the photo and just got it yesterday from someone, so just want to share. It must mean something I like it and I put it here.

Today was or is supposed to be my ‘day off’, a day where I can do some unfinished business, like fixing the e-mail issue of this site (I cannot send e-mails as of the moment, not send the daily quotes from this site). And trying to get YokYok and Arf together, as I bought mouth guards, so I can let them be together without hurting each other too much.

And until now nothing really came out of my hands, even worse, I have this ‘torture feeling’ again that blocks me so often, that rules my life of not achieving things, the thing that kind of causes my self destructive behavior. And right now, while writing, it is a bit less than earlier, when i was weeding the grass, doing something to ease me, doing something to calm me down, doing something that I hope will make this feeling, this feeling of being tortured, go away.

And I just don’t know what to do to make it go away. It seems nothing what I do or not do makes it go away; or makes it come. As yes, it is not always there, at least I think. At least it is not always as strong as to stop me from doing something, from just feeling bad, from feeling being tortured. So the worst to me is the randomness of the feeling, the knowledge or perceived knowledge that whatever I do or not do does not make that feeling come or go away.

So the leas I can do now I guess is to write about it. As I think I never really wrote about it like I do now, how that feeling rules my life, destroys my life, destroys my ability to ‘do’ things, do things I would like to do so much, especially do things that would improve my life. But somehow I can’t, somehow I can’t control this feeling or do anything about it, do anything to make it go away.

And I think I know a bit how the feeling comes into being. As the last few days I had quite some disappointments, some things I consider being negative in my life, next to the unbearable feeling, the unbearable thought of not having Lee or anyone else in my life to be my lover or partner. And next to the kind of unbearable feeling that I am not able to earn my own income anymore, that I depend on my mom, and others, and on savings from a previous life, to sustain myself financially.

So yeah, the last few days have not been easy for me, as I tried to repair my printer, replace the pick-up roller, which as far as I knew was the only problem with it and would give it a new life, after about ten years of good service, the last year or two years with some hick-ups due to the worn out pick-up roller. But until recently it was still printing, somehow, when I was kind of begging it, guiding the paper and such. Until finally it didn’t really work anymore, a few weeks ago. So I finally decided to order a pick-up roller from Lazada, a service that I recently discovered next to Amazon.

Anyhow, I tried to sign up for the Lazada affiliate program, but also that seems to have gone wrong, so I can’t even put an affiliate link here, so no option for earning from there right now.

So yeah, it started with the printer. And things like the e-mails from my new server not working. And a problem with my DFS system not working, the system I use to keep my data safe on my home/office network. And still the Globe internet working and no reply from Samsung yet related to the pretty new refrigerator that has a problem. And as far as I know some other things, ah, yes, my phone having a problem, being sent to the service center in Manila, so I don’t have a/my smartphone right now.

And yes, I know most things are working. Actually there are many more things working than not working, which is kind of amazing, as I know from my mechanical engineering course that in order for e.g. a TV or something to work, and you can read any electronic or mechanical device, virtually all components need to work with a reliability of almost 100%, otherwise the device will not work. So I know it is amazing that e.g. my computer works right now. And that my Smart/PLDT internet works. And that everything between me and ‘anything internet’ works is quite amazing, a showcase of human, or maybe God like, ingenuity.

But at the same time “things not working” can be quite annoying, especially if there are relatively many things not working in life, like I believe what is going on in my life for quite a while now. And I try to stay positive, for quite a while already, but it seems that just when I start to feel a little relaxed that the “things breaking”, “things not working”, something else seems to break, seems to stop working. And I am still wondering if I am the only one feeling like that. And I still believe in the past I had much less of those things, or at least things were easier to solve, as I used to have much more money to just replace things or something.

So yeah, I feel punished for not appreciating things working in the past, for not appreciating enough that I had a pretty good life, with a pretty good salary, money in the bank, regular travel, including exotic, long travel, and many, many more things, even though I know also at the time things didn’t feel right, at the time there were also things very wrong in my life.

Enough for now, but I guess I will continue later, as I think it is important sharing these things. Not sure why, but I just want to know more about other people, if they are struggling like me with things like this. And if not, how they live as they live, how they live a happier life than me.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now than earlier, still scared, as usual, the feeling will get worse again, but anyhow, it doesn’t. And best ‘do nothing’ I guess about all the things I want / need / have to do; just relax for a while, maybe the whole day.

Seems I am not the only one feeling being tortured: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/does-anybody-ever-feel-like-they-are-being-tortured-124271/. And yes, to me it feels like a deliberate act (of God), as also somewhere stated in that page. Very strange, as I guess God would not deliberately torture someone, anyone. Why would He do that? And found some more pages about it, so apparently I am not the only one struggling with feeling being tortured.

Some more links:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

http://achhikhabre.com/depression-healing-tips/
So the articles still point to depression. Will it ever go away then? I have been dealing with that for so long it seems, and it does not seem to go away. Yes, I did not follow the advice of my last counselor, but still, doesn’t life have some natural healing for that?

I admitted that I am powerless over…

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Hope Step 1, again. Yes, it seems to be a continuous process, a lifetime process.

I think I started realizing that my life was unmanageable again, so somehow I started doing things, even though I did not fully know how that happened. Maybe there is indeed a Higher Power helping me.

So somehow I let go of my sponsor, as that relationship had become very unhealthy, at least to me. I kept complaining and complaining and could not get out of that. And apparently my sponsor had run out of options helping me.

And strange, I did not make a conscious decision to let go. It kind of happened when chatting with her. She suddenly said something like ‘so it is over’, which I did not understand. And then I read back what I had written and realized it was me, or my Higher Power, putting an end to this sponsorship relation.

And I was devastated, felt very alone, because one of the issues was that I found myself often alone at meetings. So now I was fully alone, without sponsor even; and without people in meetings, without support. At least so I thought.

And somehow, slowly, things are starting opening up. New things come in sight, like new ways of working The Steps. And new people I start chatting with when I feel alone, when I fall back in isolation, having the feeling no one is there. But I noticed I started reaching out, to other people if no Coda fellows are available.

And I just started asking for help, looking for ways to work The Steps again. As I kind of lost that, didn’t know how to work The Steps again, like doing exercises, writing, answering questions (on paper).

So I just found How To Work Step One. And just read it. And then started new Step 1 document. And decided to share here.

And time to do something else, but at least I started, somehow, at least I created hope again, somehow, without realizing. Just by opening up I guess.

And yes, one step at the time, one little thing at the time, as I started making the bed two days ago, again: making the bed.

Dear Loving Higher Power

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Dear Loving Higher Power,

I guess I still do have a Higher Power. Or maybe I have more than one, but most seem to not be able or willing to help me, yes, help me get what I want, and no, I don’t even talk about needs, because the subject of needs is very confusing to me.

I am writing this to you as I presume you are somewhere out there, maybe even looking for me searching for me, calling me, but until now I did not really hear you or experience you or something. Yes, sometimes I have nice experiences, like yesterday evening I really had my time with Arf, and earlier also with YokYok. And of course Iwa is there, often joining me, even sleeping with me in the bed, which of course feels nice, as touching a dog is also touching something like a warm body.

I guess what bothers me most is that I was not able to have or maintain the relationship I wanted or always dreamed of. Yes, there was Nico and we had a pretty good life. And yes, there was a lot of love between us, but you know the sexual part, the intimacy part was not really working, it was there, especially in the beginning, but not really as I wanted it, needed it.

Then finally I was so happy meeting Lee, and it felt all okay, I kind of knew it was okay: this was the person I could really share my life with, without the worries of not having sex, of not having someone to sleep with, of someone not leaving me. And look now where that brought me. Over time he started leaving me more and more, and the sex was not really growing, on the contrary, it was getting less and less and less satisfying, where I believed love life, sex, is something that would be growing, become more pleasurable and love like, instead of deteriorating and finally just coming to a full stop.

And I feel so stupid continuously writing about sex and my problems with it, as of course I know there is much more in life than sex and in the end it is not even really important. And I had and have so many things I am and could be grateful for, but that all overwhelming need for ‘having someone’, someone who is just there for me, yes, including the sleeping together and the love making.

And I am wondering now if a Higher Power would know about these things, the sexual attraction when you like someone physically, the wanting to hold, the wanting to sleep with someone, and then, yes also going into the sexual, although I like the more erotic part, the petting and such, more than the pure sexual acts, although the oral stuff can create a very nice feeling and create a lot of pleasure. I guess if you would know about it you would help me get more of that. And yes, basically I only want that with Lee, but he is not here and does not want me anymore, so I am having a hard time for a long time already, as I always believed in being monogamous, having sex, sharing sexual physical intimacy only with one person. I know that is not very practical, but it is still what I want.

So yes, I made mistakes, as when Lee was not available anymore to sleep with me or have sex with me finally I started dating. Or like in 2012 I was so devastated realizing Lee had left me that I allowed some things to happen, even though it was not really what I wanted, like the lying on the couch with, well, I forgot his name, and the massage where I got so excited. It was so strange a stranger touching me in such a loving way, like the guy who I was on the couch with. And it was so nice a masseur doing the things I always dreamed of, but never really experienced with a partner. And no, at the time I did not push through, stopped at the right moment. Thank you for that, as maybe it was indeed you who helped me with that then and helped me writing my love letter to Lee.

Then Lee came back and I was so happy, being able to hold him again, sleep with him again, even though he was not really able to give me what I so desperately needed. But I thought, believed, that over time things would improve, also because I prayed to that Very High Power who told me The Plan needed to be changed to give me what I wanted. I trusted that would happen at the time, but then Lee started leaving me more and more again, finally resulting in me deciding it was time to start dating other people, which I did.

And then there was J., which I tried to stop until the last minute, but the “I don’t have time for this” hit me so hard that after that there was nothing really stopping me anymore. And nothing much happened, but again, it was soooooooooooooo nice holding someone and being held by someone, just the warmth of another human body close to me, feeling love, or at least love type feelings. Unfortunately that even turned out different than I expected. I had been naive again somehow again. But yeah, the feeling was there.

Then there was M., basically the only one I ever really had sexual contact with besides Lee, or that is not fully true, but you know what I mean. And no, also that was not ‘all the way’, but far enough to be called sex I guess. And the first time felt so nice. I had missed that feeling, that pleasurable feeling for sooooooooooooooooo long. And then I got confused, as he left me, did not want to stay for the night. I felt so left alone again. And strangely enough a similar thing happened again, him leaving again ‘after sex’. That time was not pleasurable really, as I guess I lost the trust and also felt unsafe physically. Crazy enough somehow I got sick even at the time, even though I am pretty sure now it was not really an STD, but some kind of weird bacteria in the wrong place, causing pain and discomfort.

And yeah, then I. was there. I liked him a lot and I guess something could have come out of it, but I am not sure if I could live with him, as he has some strange quirks like some stubbornness I don’t know how to deal with. It also felt like he abused me sexually, only wanting to receive sex, pleasure, not willing or able to give, give me pleasure. So yeah, I still like him a lot and I guess we can be friends, but no, I don’t think relationship or sex would work between us.

And I am starting to feel so awkward, as it seems I had sexual experiences with so many men, even though I always pretend to be monogamous or want to be monogamous. But it seems sex and intimacy are really powerful forces, hard or impossible to contain if they cannot be expressed in the way I want it to, or maybe even need them to.

So no, I don’t think I want to write more about my sexual experiences of the last few years, as I guess it will just make me feel bad, because the only thing I really, really want is to have a monogamous relationship, yes, preferably with Lee, still with Lee. I have no real clue why actually. I considered it part of the codependency stuff, but there must be more, yes, maybe I don’t understand or don’t know about. The connection I felt when I could not leave him behind at the bus station. The connection he maybe also felt and still feels, but I am not fully sure about that.

And I want to do something else now. I think I wrote enough and if you are the Loving Higher Power that they talk about then You know all these things, then you know my biggest dream, my biggest wish in life. I just want to be with Lee and build a strong and healthy relationship with him, yes including the sex, the romance, the physical intimacy, the sexual pleasure part. But what I remember most we had were the trips going to Davao, holding hands on the way, feeling connected, feeling belonging to each other. I guess that is what I miss most.

And I have no clue what ‘loving’ means anymore, but if you are a Loving Higher Power I hope you can help make my dream come true (again).

And I don’t know You and I can’t find You (yet?), but I guess I can love You too. I presume also Higher Powers need being loved, same like human beings.

I love You,

Guus