Author Archives: Guus

Suicide

Strange, how little I know the people around me. And strange, how little the people the people around me know me. As I guess not many people would relate me to suicide thoughts, although I’m quite sure some people know. And what hit me today, and what also made me think for quite a while was the paragraph I found on a site about suicide:

Make no mistake. Suicide will have a devastating effect on those around you, and the effects will stay with them the rest of their lives. If in your mind you belittle this impact (as I did), you are fooling yourself. And to test it, just ask someone close to you how they’d feel if you got knocked over by a bus.

And somehow I know this, as that kind of stopped me from killing myself when I was in my early twenties. But what I never fully realized was the “for the rest of their lives”. Or maybe I did. As I remember being so low, feeling so bad, that even knowing how much other people would suffer, especially my mam, didn’t compensate for how I felt, how bad I felt. And no, I am quite sure nobody wants to kill himself or herself. For me it was the (emotional) pain I was feeling that was too much, unbearable. And I tried and tried and tried. Everything. But it didn’t go away. Although in the end it did, otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this.

And I read on http://lostallhope.com that the major cause for suicide is loneliness, so I am not alone in my suicide thinking right now, while feeling very alone, even lonely at the moment. And the strange thing is that things have been improving lately. Things have improved as I got some attention for my projects, even beyond my wildest dream. And my partner came back last year. But yes, him leaving again two weeks ago in anger, while I am doing everything, everything to make it work, to be happy myself, try to make him happy, try to support him and help him, love him, whatever, hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit. And I was able to deal with it for about two weeks, but a few days ago it just hit me and I felt kind of devastated. As it seems all so unfair. And no, in the end it has nothing to do with the relationship, at least not directly with this relationship. It has all to do with everything in my life that seems to have gone wrong, with only a few, relatively short periods of ‘normal life’. It has everything to do with that it seems that I just can’t be myself, the joyful, loving and powerful Guus that I am.

And I read similar things in http://lostallhope.com and I may continue reading there a bit more, more about the loneliness stuff and the being yourself. And yes, it appears to be a good site to go to if you are thinking about suicide, whether you are really planning to kill yourself or not. So yes, I could write a bit more about my experiences when thinking about killing myself and maybe I will, but not now.

And I was hesitant writing this post, as I may hurt people, which of course I don’t want, especially as a friend of mine was reminded of the death of her son yesterday. But maybe that is also exactly what makes me, make us feel lonely. Not sharing our real feelings, our real thoughts. And my real thoughts are about loneliness, about being alone right now. And my real feelings are feeling lonely, and before writing this, useless.

But what really made me write this post is that I realized that if people don’t know about my suicide thoughts, I probably also don’t know about suicide thoughts of people I know. And I know quite a bit about suicide thoughts, as I had them several times in my life. And was indeed a few times also very close to indeed killing myself.

So if you are down or are thinking about suicide, please let me know, whether you know me or not. And no, I won’t judge you or even stop you or try to stop you. As having been there I know that sometimes the pain of living can be larger than the instinct we all have to live. And I know the instinct to live is gigantic, meaning that the pain must be bigger than that to even consider committing suicide.

But maybe you can just e-mail me, so we both can be a little less lonely. You can reach me at guus@inspiration-for-success.com.

Birthday

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I didn’t know what to write today. And I didn’t really feel like writing also, as I’m tired and a bit out of inspiration. And I just finished watching the movie Inception, a movie I really like, just to watch, but also because of it’s kind of deep background, as most good movies have. And it’s about virtual and reality, things we don’t really know how it fits together. As somehow of course reality, the reality we all experience, doesn’t exist. So again, I wanted to write about the famous and not so famous, but still somehow known actors, about ‘success‘.

So before writing my post for today I was thinking about what quote to send today. And while doing that I ended up in Facebook, and of course saw the things that a good friend of mine wrote about her son, writing that it is her son’s birthday today, or actually that it was her son’s birthday today. And she posted a part of a poem he wrote. And I didn’t know he was a poet, but I thought it was a beautiful poem. So I decided to use a part of that poem as my daily quote, just because I thought it was a nice thing to share, but also to honor him. And I was a bit scared as I didn’t ask for permission to do that. But I also didn’t want to ask, as that didn’t feel good. So I decided to send the quote and also publish it in our Facebook page as I often do. And to share that post with my friend, so she would know. And fortunately she liked it, so I guess with taking the risk I did the right thing.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about the strangeness of life, where it seems that in our deepest downs or in death or in suffering we achieve the greatest things. As e.g. this whole site, the project Inspiration for Success started with one of the deepest downs in my life. And I’m not sure if it adds a lot of value already to people, but I do know some people like, or maybe appreciate, the quotes I send daily. And right now, the sharing of these parts of the poem of Andrei Brian Ramos, started with most probably a lot of pain that my friend must be feeling today, not having her son around anymore. And the fact that he is not with us anymore put more attention than usual to his poem.

So strange, how life works. As in the end we all live on in some kind of way, even after we die. In the end we all contribute something to ‘life’, in the end indeed life is something continuous, something we are all part of, something forever, something infinite.

So yes, let’s celebrate life, as we are here, as we experience it, as we contribute, while we contribute. And let’s celebrate all life before us, that made life as it is now. And let’s celebrate our contribution to life, no matter what it is or how big or how small it appears. As it’s all ‘life’.

What a miracle, what a wonder.

It’s starting

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So where do I stand right now? I still certainly don’t feel successful, especially as my financial situation is still not good and as my partner went away again two weeks ago, very angry. And while I kept going very well since he left, better than ever, yesterday I kind of collapsed emotionally.

But still, somehow my self confidence has grown enormously since my deep down one and a half year ago, the period where the ideas of Napoleon Hill came to me in the form of a book given to me, the book Think and Grow Rich. And somehow these ideas, or at least working from these ideas, from this book, seem to start making sense. And no, it’s not the only book that gave me ideas to work from, but somehow it was the starting point.

So yes, I was very down yesterday. But imagine, yesterday, not the whole two weeks I was alone, where before I was much more affected with these type of things. And also, the idea of definite purpose and not changing decisions (too easily) makes life much easier, including stating dates and stuff and what I am willing to give. As e.g. I now don’t have to think so much anymore when people are asking me things like what I want and why I want it. As it’s just all written down in my desire document and everything that happens to me just gets its place in the ideas that written down there. And I really mean everything that happens to me, positive or negative. As the negatives I just turn into positives, into opportunities. That is my mindset now.

And somehow it is starting to pay off, as today I had some discussions about business, really large business, business in the sense of the things Napoleon Hill writes about in Think and Grow Rich. And somehow these things came to me, I did not really search for it or did effort for it. So indeed there seems to be something like Infinite Intelligence or Law of Attraction that goes beyond what we can see. But the main thing I felt today was more self confidence, like just stating what I want, without excuses or anything, even if it is unreasonable. And apparently just the way I talk about things, just the way how I want things, just stating what I want to happen seems to make an enormous impression on other people. And again, I’m not forcing it, it just comes natural, it’s just the result of the process I’ve been in for the last few years.

So no, I definitely don’t feel successful yet. But something did change, and it is changing big. And yes, of course I am also still scared, but different.

Thank you Lord!

What is wrong with me?

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Most of my life I have been searching for what is wrong with me. And I never really found the answer. So maybe this answers something:

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.”

Galway Kinnell

And while looking at this, it may just be what I am looking for, it may just be what people call love. What about you?

Wow, what a day!

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Wow, what a day. I was very down and some things didn’t add up, didn’t work and yesterday I was not able to finish something I planned, which affected me very much.

And suddenly today I had a meeting where one of my big dreams, crazy ideas suddenly seemed not that crazy anymore. So something completely impossible, something completely crazy suddenly became possible.

And yes, it seems that Napoleon Hill is right, that in the end serving customers and truth and justice are the things important (and that greed has its price). As especially Smart already had me ‘for life’ as an internet customer. And because they did not serve me anymore I turned from one of their major ambassadors, one of their main unpaid sales staff into a major complainer who decided to take action on all kinds of fronts. And yes, with this new idea, with this idea being turned into a real plan, the price may be higher than they ever could have imagined.

So yes, I’m starting to see how it works, slowly but surely. And time will tell if I will get my own success. But things are starting to come to me, the Universe is starting to help.

Smart and Globe, beware. And customers, be happy!