Control your emotions and separate business from private. That is what is said so easily and something also I read about leadership. So today I was put to the test and I failed miserably, failed even that much that I am still trembling and am missing the last night out with friends on a short holiday in Siargao.
So yes, thinking about weaknesses I better analyze what happened just about an hour ago again, as somehow I was drawn into something I know is kind of killing for me. And the setup is something I am talking to someone about something, maybe some private stuff or culture or emotions and somehow my partner bugs in and finds someone who will support him in what he is saying, something like he is right and I am wrong. So I feel attacked and I feel being a minority, which upsets me very much and somehow puts me on the defense or something. And I did quite well tonight up to a certain point keeping my mouth shut about certain things I consider private, something between my partner and me. And while writing I realize this is very weird, as normally I don’t mind so much talking about anything, but I know my partner prefers to keep some things between us.
So yes, of course I was the one opening up about something I never told anybody about, as I consider it private and I don’t want anybody to know, especially because of my partner. So in front of my partner I was making the mistake (again), not him, even though I feel kind of ‘set up’ into this kind of situation, this kind of conversation where I don’t feel comfortable with the people around, people supporting my partner, making me feel attacked. So when something like this happens, I feel even worse towards my partner than before, as it was me who made ‘the’ mistake, making him even more right about the negative things he is saying about me, the things he wants the support for from the people around, as he always wants to be ‘right’ and I am ‘always’ wrong.
So again, where I had a very nice conversation with one of our friends, or actually a friend of him, somehow he bugs in with his best friend and turns the conversation to something where those two people are supposed to support him in his being ‘right’ and me in my ‘being wrong’. And where to me most of those things are just ‘opinion’, to him it is about ‘me not understanding people’ me not reacting properly to social situations. And yes, those people often confirm that these things are ‘me being me’, so that’s not my problem. What is my problem is that mostly (‘always’) those people seem to confirm that I am the one socially not ‘correct’, meaning I am doing something ‘wrong’, meaning I am wrong.
So after my big mistake I decided to leave the conversation, even though the group was breaking up anyhow, because we were supposed to go out, have a beer or so, have our last night out. So nothing really happened, except that I was so upset and felt so bad that our ‘secret’ was out, that I decided that I didn’t want to join anymore. Which of course made me feel even worse, as this of course meant I was breaking the group again, meaning my partner was confirmed again about my social skills. And next that the not joining made me feel bad because it confirms my social inability, it also means I am missing out on a night out, even the last night out the group is together. A night I was kind of scared of, as it might become too late to my liking, but also a night that kind of came up naturally to just go out together and have fun together.
And yes, while writing this, I know it is all written too negative and that it’s not all as bad I feel and that it is not bad people knowing about what I consider one of our major problems. It may even be good. But the time and place and how it came together are just fully wrong, and one of the people present is the last person I want to talk to about this.
So what is there to learn and what is the real problem? Maybe something to think about. The main thing I think is that it is something repeating that gives my partner more power and that makes me feel bad and makes me feel bad in the eyes of other people.
So how can I prevent this in the future, as somehow I am drawn into situations like this and I don’t like the outcome.
