Tag Archives: Higher Power

A loving Higher Power

I am attending meetings of Twelve Step programs and I think until now my biggest struggle is the concept of a loving Higher Power, with emphasis on the word loving. As in my experience God is not loving, in my experience God is punishing, implementing some law I have to follow. And I think I wrote about this struggle before, although I am not fully sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog.

Loving Higher PowerKeep in mind that I make a big presumption in the above paragraphs as I somehow replace “Loving Higher Power” with “God”, where in the program “Higher Power” is not necessarily God or a god. And “God” in the program is definitely not the God from the bible, the God I grew up with and somehow still believe in. No, it is “a God of my understanding”, which indeed in my case is kind of the God I grew up with, the punishing God, the God of Law.

And interesting, while searching for an image of a loving Higher Power I ended up in the page http://ohmygodlife.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-your-higher-power/, a page dealing exactly with what I am talking about here.

Ah, and I am still so tired. Yes, from all the things I believe my Higher Power, God, wants from me. As I have to do God’s will, which is tiring for me. Yes, that is another struggle for me, doing God’s will. As God mostly seems to want something else than I want. And as I don’t like that I keep struggling, and yes, trying to do my own will. And of course I can never win that fight, as God is more powerful than I am. Or isn’t He?

It is okay to beat myself up…

I am still searching for a loving Higher Power and found this: Finding Loving Higher Power.

What struck me right now were the statements “It’s okay to beat myself up” and “It’s okay to isoloate”.

Strange, how that just gave me freedom. Same like I just drank quite a bit as I needed, wanted it, just get a bit drunk. And no, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, so no real problem, but still, of course it is, as I was and am trying to numb myself from the pain, the pain that Iwa is sick, that Iwa has tumor. So hard to accept. Where is the love here?

God and Gratitude and Success

For quite a while I want to start writing here, but I couldn’t find the power (strength?) for it. I guess the main reason was and is that I am, or at least feel, completely unsuccessful. Actually my situation got worse, at least financially, at least that is how it feels. And no, I am not fully sure, as I still have quite a lot of capital invested, e.g. in The Malasag House. And I am or was still not able to get enough or more clients, and my dog training start up appears to not have been successful also. I thought finally God gave me something that worked, that I could put myself into and be successful with, but no.

And even money was stolen from my Savings Box, finally even the whole box was gone. I still don’t know exactly was the message of that. Yes, be careful with money, keep it safe and guarded. I now remember Napoleon Hill wrote something about that in Think and Grow Rich, that people do anything for money. So apparently they do. And to me it was not even money, it was just a symbol how you can create a lot over time from virtually nothing. But apparently it was not ‘nothing’ anymore. And of course it was ‘money’ for other people. And yes, of course also for me, as I wanted to use the money to buy a new Rottweiler.

So what made me write today? Well, I guess the progress I made through my Twelve Step Program, the results from that even. And somehow it seems to all go back to Infinite Intelligence and ‘go with the flow’. And a main keyword seems to be gratitude, be grateful.

I guess it all started to be more positive when I got a Rottweiler for free last week; yes, for free. And the strange thing is that I prayed for that ‘a Rottweiler for free’. And I lost my belief in God, the God from the bible, long time ago, but recently I started praying, started praying again, yes, somehow to that God. And amazingly last week I got a Rottweiler for free. (Of course) there was some kind of catch, but nonetheless, who gets a Rottweiler for free? And I am not even sure if I asked for it or told anybody related to Arf, the Rottweiler I got. So it was really a miracle, a Rottweiler offered to me.

Another thing I started more serious with recently was keeping a gratitude diary. I did that before, but this time I decided to write five things I am grateful for every day in a diary every night before I go to sleep. It was a suggestion from my sponsor and at first I was very skeptical and hesitant, but she kept insisting ‘just do it’, so somehow I did it, no, not believing at first.

But somehow it started to work and I have indeed no clue how. Somehow I started becoming more grateful for things even during daytime, no matter what ‘bad’ things are happening to me, with me. And against what I was expecting, like that I was forcing it, I can really be grateful for almost anything, in any circumstance. As I am starting to see there are always things I can be grateful for. Like even things that I was able to just eat or that I still live in a beautiful house (even though I can’t really afford it at the moment and it is kind of falling apart due to lack of maintenance). But the house is still there and the view is still beautiful, even one of the most beautiful views in the world, and it is just a functioning house, no matter the state of maintenance.

Or that I can still buy snacks in the city, just a drink or a candy bar or something. Or just go to McDonalds and treat myself eating out, not cooking myself. Or indeed things that I can still breathe; and that the air I breathe is free. And I don’t mean the last one as corny, I can really feel that, mean that.

And amazingly, apparently linked to being more grateful (instead of complaining), more good things seem to come to me. Like I was introduced to some religious fellowship and there is just food available, food for free. And I don’t mean to take advantage of that, but financially I am very tight, so I just accept it as, indeed, a gift of God, not a gift from people. And of course I hope one day I can do for other people what people are doing for me right now, but it doesn’t feel like abuse or something to me right now, where before it would.

So praying and being grateful somehow seem to work. And no, don’t ask me how, but apparently it does. I guess I am just more open to everything, to the Universe (or God) working in ways I don’t understand, never could imagine. And that is something I also learned from my Twelve Step Program, something like ‘it works’ (or it doesn’t). I don’t need to understand why something is working or not working. I can just accept it, also accepting I don’t know everything, don’t have all the answers, something that was, and kind of still is, very difficult for me to accept, as I don’t understand it. And my analytical mind wants to understand everything, control everything. But indeed, somehow we are not in control, somehow there is a God, or an Infinite Intelligence, that is working in different ways than I as a human can understand.

So yes, I want to suggest to start to be grateful, start trying to find (five) things to be grateful for every day and write them down. And start praying, praying to whatever Higher Power makes sense to you, whatever Higher Power you can somehow find some belief in if you don’t believe in God or something.

As that is what I am learning, seeing and believing more and more. That there must be something bigger than what we humans are. There must be, as there are things outside of us out of our control.

Better to reach or receive

For quite a while I have the feeling to start writing here again, or just write maybe once. And I already started with that a bit, but somehow I want to go back to the regular writing, but it seems it is still not the time for that.

But today I want to share something important, which was triggered with some changes in my Desire Document. And don’t get me wrong, I never made substantial changes in my Desire Document, even though in the end I may do that. But as time passes I am learning new things, have learned to look at things different, and that made me rephrase some things in my Desire Document as that just ‘felt‘ better.

So today I was sharing part of my Desire Document with someone, and I realized there was still something like ‘achieving goals’, and recently my believe changed in the way that I believe that we as human beings cannot ‘achieve things’, ‘achieve goals’. Somehow these things are given to us. As without God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever Higher Power you believe in, agrees with things happening, things won’t happen. And I started believing that based on the idea of Higher Power in Twelve Step programs and it seemed fully contrary to all self help stuff and even contrary to everything written in Think and Grow Rich. But to my amazement starting to read Think and Grow Rich again after I had put it away for a while because it was just ‘too much’ for me to handle, I saw Napoleon Hill states exactly the same thing: that without invoking Infinite Intelligence nothing will really happen. And I guess that is the secret he is talking about in many places in the book, at least for me, as you may read and interpret the book different than I did.

So I was triggered by something like achieving a goal. And with my current beliefs I cannot ‘achieve’ a goal, cannot achieve anything without some Higher Power helping me or doing it for me. And no, I don’t know how that works and why it is like that as I am only human and cannot understand how the world works. But as Napoleon Hill also states, things happen according to the laws of the universe and this seems to be one of them, that without any help or approval of the Higher Power of The Universe nothing happens.

So I am starting to change things like ‘achieve‘ into ‘receive‘ or reach and things like ‘goal‘ into ‘desire‘. As I can’t do it alone.

And I am starting to agree with Napoleon Hill and what I find in many other places: that you can’t get to the point where I am right now in an easy way, like by just reading this article. You have to (oh, how I hate this phrase ‘have to’) do the work. But indeed, it is not hard work, it is more like searching for the spiritual. And looking back it also doesn’t feel like ‘have to’.

Higher Power

There are two things in my mind to write about right now and the first is about Higher Power related to Think and Grow Rich. And the second is how would I remember to share my stuff when I am successful. Would I forget all the misery I went through and not give you the information you may need if you are still in the position where I am still now and was when I started Inspiration for Success?

Well, let’s just start with the concept of Higher Power, a concept derived from Twelve Steps programs, where part of the program is developing a connection with a self defined Higher Power, so not a God as defined in most religions.

And one of the things that is beginning to strike me, and actually has for quite a while already, that (virtually?) any religion or spiritual program is based on something like God, or Higher Power, or as Napoleon Hill calls it, Infinite Intelligence. And looking at the Twelve Step program I am working on, the concept of Higher Power is something to be developed. It is not something that just is, contrary to the Gods of the religions that I know. And I am actually a bit amazed, as for quite I while I felt stuck in Step 1, the powerlessness, and I was very anxious to move forward to Step 2, as that is about Higher Power, the thing I read and heard about in many places and it seemed to be the wonder thing that would solve my problems, so I really wanted that also. But it didn’t show up and I kept stuck in Step 1 for quite a while.

And then somehow, while still working on Step 1, something like Higher Power started to show up, just out of nothing. And it was not the wonder thing I was hoping it would be, but where I was so anxiously searching for it it somehow showed up, and as said, not as the thing I wanted it to be, but it was just there, presenting itself to me in the form I was ready for, the form I could handle.

The amazing thing I encountered recently though was that I started reading Think and Grow Rich again, after I had given it, to, yes, something like my Higher Power for a while, as I couldn’t deal with it anymore and gave it to my Higher Power to deal with, maybe even already somehow available for me anyhow, and while writing this it could be that my Higher Power has been with me and helping me for much longer than I realize.

So while re-reading some chapters in Think and Grow Rich it appeared that a whole new world opened for me, as there it was, the concept of Higher Power also standing in front of me all over this book I thought I know so well. And the idea of repetition and continuing going and doing the work as mentioned in the book started to make much more sense to me then ever before. And similarities with the Higher Power of the Twelve Steps programs and even some texts from e.g. the bible seem to say the same thing. And of course concepts like The Secret and the ideas of Abraham Hicks point in the same direction.

And I am not there yet, having the success what I am looking for. But I think I am starting to see what it is all about, no matter how depressed I am right now or where I stand. And it seems to be about doing the work, going through a process, and indeed not about just working hard. So just start anywhere, start from where you are right now. Start with any spiritual or self-help program or religious concept and go from there, work it.

Self analysis, question 28

Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?