Tag Archives: Thoughts

Self analysis, question 27

I just got an e-mail that made me very scared. And I was just thinking what kind of fear is behind it, related to the previous self analysis question about fear. I guess behind my fear is the fear of criticism as I fear the judgement of others related to a mistake, or many mistakes, I made. And the problem is I am making the same mistake over and over as I did not find a way yet how to correct the mistake without doing other or more damage than the mistakes themselves do. Or maybe I am just selfish, but I have more and more the feeling life has been very unfair to me. Or at least until now I didn’t understand what life or God or The Universe wants from me, what I am here to do.

And I am getting more and more tired again, pushing myself against the things I don’t like, the things I don’t know how to handle.

So maybe just see if today’s self analysis question gives some answers: “Have you a method by which you can shield yourself against the negative influence of others?”.

And maybe there is some answer in that question as I am just suffering from the idea that others will judge me for what I did, for my mistakes, where ‘others’ means something like the internal voice who says I have done it all wrong. And I did it all wrong, but I still don’t know how to do it right, as it often feels I have the choice between bad and worse. So who wouldn’t choose bad?

And still struggling with how much power I, a human being, actually have and how much influence ‘circumstances’ have.

And again, I keep struggling with whether I should give up the house or not. It would solve so many things, at least on short term. But I know also that making decisions like that in a bad emotional state is not a wise thing to do. And in the long term it doesn’t solve anything, it goes against everything I believe in now.

So am I fooling myself by just persisting in my cause and hoping for better times? It would be so easy to give in and give up the house and ‘move on’ as they say. But then, where would I go and wouldn’t I be running from myself (also)?

Self analysis, question 20

It can’t be but I must be making progress as I have been very serious answering these questions, but somehow it doesn’t feel like that still often. Well, let’s go with question 20: “Would you call yourself a ‘spineless weakling’ if you permitted others to do your thinking for you”?

And I guess that is a good question for today as I was very down as things didn’t turn out as I wanted them to be or actually I can’t get people to do what I want. And that frustrates me as apparently I am not able to induce people to do things (that I want). Or I am still not able to induct people.

And the main thing that made me feel down was that my partner in the DoctorsConnect project, even the initiator of the project, didn’t want to celebrate our launch or even the 90 day birthday of our project. And I had been pushing to do at least ‘something’ today, the day we targeted as the launch date for DoctorsConnect, but in the end last night he really didn’t seem to want to do anything.

And for quite a while I knew we would not be ready for a big launch with inviting doctors and such, but to me doing at least something today, even if it were just a lunch or dinner together or even having cake together would have been enough, but no, my partner didn’t want it and just wanted to postpone the launch.

And there are several big issues here, as this is the second time we didn’t make an important deadline as we also agreed on January 25, 2015 there would be ten doctors using the system. And if it would have been five or even just one I could have lived with that. But until now we still don’t have any doctor using the system, meaning we are far behind schedule.

And I know I also didn’t deliver everything as promised, at least not always in the required quality. But also today I delivered one of the things that according to my partner was missing in the system. And I am not even sure if he noticed.

And I just looked back at the question of today and I realize it may be time for action. As this just doesn’t work, at least not for me. So maybe start thinking and deciding for myself.

Self analysis, question 14

A bit a weird question to me today: “Are you permitting some relative or acquaintance to worry you? If so, why?”. And the first thing that comes to me now if the question is about me worrying about someone else or someone else worrying about me. And of course I am quite sure it is the first, me worrying about some relative or acquaintance.

So am I worrying about some relative or acquaintance? Well, I guess not, although I think I did more before.

Or could it be it is meant that the behavior or opinion of someone would be worrying me. And I guess that is the case and it goes back to previous questions that I have obligations to other people I don’t like and I can’t fulfill which makes me very embarrassed and indeed makes me worry about that.

So why am I not addressing that? Well, because I still believe things will get better, even though for the last ten, fifteen years they only got worse.

And yes, these worries affect me a lot, even though I pretend they are not. Or somehow I push them aside, try to ignore them. But yes, these things affect me, affect me a lot.

So what is the weakness here, what is there to improve?

Maybe I should indeed address the issue in a way that it wouldn’t worry me so much anymore, as indeed, worrying about things is killing.

And I still don’t know what, but these questions are starting to make me think more, think about issues I don’t want to solve, things I postpone, things I don’t make decisions about.

Self analysis, question 10

Well, the question “Are you envious of those who excel you?” sounds like a full yes for me, although I am not fully sure now if I understand the question correctly as I am especially envious of people who are more famous or richer than I am. Or maybe better stated, I am envious of those who are more successful than I am.

And thinking a bit further I am especially envious of the people who have better social skills, people skills than I have, and as far as I may believe others that would be the majority of the people.

And while writing this I realize it is less simple than my perception, than what I see. As there are probably people who are envious of me, who think I excel them. And I know I am more intelligent than average, so I guess people would be or could be envious of that. And I still live in a very big house, so I am pretty sure many people are envious of that, although that has nothing to do with excelling.

And in my mind is something that I read (again) recently, that we humans tend to compare our inner self, how we see ourselves, with the outside of other people. Which means that we don’t see how other people actually feel or where they actually stand.

And well, if I have to be open I guess I should write about some people I am really envious of excelling me and the first is my ex-partner. As what I see and know is that he has a much more ‘normal’ life than I have after we separated. And he is doing the things, yes, now with his new partner, we were supposed to do together. So from the outside he has everything I thought I would have, everything I dreamed of. So yes, I am very jealous and I feel very, well, humiliated that I, who is the more intelligent and ‘better’ person fell down so deep where he is doing pretty well. And I am very ashamed towards him, that I didn’t manage to build a decent life and he did. And that goes so far that I am scared of him, don’t dare to meet him anymore. And I know I need to do something with that, as I guess we are both human and both did the best we could.

And that brings me to the fact that I feel so down, that I don’t understand why I ‘didn’t make it’, or didn’t make it yet. Maybe that makes me feel so ashamed, something like that I have some kind of flaw that makes me a failure.

And yes, where I am now, where I went over the last eight years or so, made me also very humble, as I did what I could and it just wasn’t enough. So there must be more going on than what I do or what I know, as if anybody deserved success it would be me, at least if it depended on hard work and persistence.

So maybe that is what I had to learn, that no matter who you are and no matter what you do, you can still go down in a way you could have never imagined, that you could break all of your rules as circumstances or something are stronger than you.

And I know this goes against the Principles of Success, but I have no other explanation except that there are powers beyond my knowledge, beyond my control, that can make or break things. And yes, I know I have been stubborn and maybe I still am, but no one would understand how I could go down so deep and so quick, or maybe in such a hidden way.

So maybe there is something like ‘luck’, although I still want to prove otherwise, as I still don’t know how to get out of this mess, except pushing through with the things I started. And running away also doesn’t help, didn’t help, so that is no real option for me anymore.

And no clear answer or something, but good I wrote this down.

Self analysis, question 5

The question “Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so, why?” is a tough one to answer in public, as since that question is in my mind I realize there are quite some people I avoid or am scared of.

So I am not fully sure if I deliberately avoid the association with people, but I do deliberately avoid people because I am scared of them. And that kind of worries me, as it means I have issues I am avoiding, issues I don’t want to deal with. And it means that I lack self confidence, lack courage to deal with things I am not proud of, mistakes I made.

So do I also deliberately avoid the association of anyone? I guess so, but right now I don’t remember any specific sample of that.

So maybe go back to the avoidance of certain people, which I certainly do. And I have one specific person in mind I am avoiding as I am keeping a secret from her. Or actually I am not literally hiding something from her, but I feel very uncomfortable she doesn’t know something.

So what am I exactly scared of? Well, I guess of losing more than I already lost, especially the house. So this does go back to the fear of poverty.

And I am not fully sure if I should tell my secret, as it may just create the thing I am scared of, even though I realize recently my problem became worse where I have been working on solving this issue last year, but recently I ran out of money again, causing more and more problems, where I thought I was on the way solving them.

So well, tough question, at least the issues it brings into focus with me.

But the whole thing still goes back to things I think I cannot control, like money coming in, having income. And that is where the ideas of Napoleon Hill are conflicting with my experience, although he mentions things related to my situation, like you may be forced to temporarily be dishonest.

So there is some big issue here, as this question makes me feel very uncomfortable and might touch the basics of my (current) problems.

And not sure how to continue now, except the word courage comes into mind. And the word doubt, related to the ‘not sure’ I just wrote.

So work to do here, as there are certainly answers around my avoidance of certain people. And related to that avoidance of looking at problems to be solved.