Tag Archives: Thoughts

Self analysis: question 3

Question 3 in the self analysis questions is “Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?” is a question I never really understood as I didn’t believe I made so many mistakes, but recently I noticed that while programming I often use some kind of trial and error message and while starting this post right now I realize I made lots of mistakes, big mistakes, otherwise my business would be thriving right now and not technically bankrupt.

So maybe there is some more to this question than I initially thought, maybe especially thinking of the small programming mistakes I make, at least for now. The large business mistakes I think I need to think a bit more about before writing about them or analyzing them properly.

And the programming mistakes are just related to that that seems to be the fastest way to develop websites, web applications, programs, at least with PHP, the scripting language I use. And it is strange, mentioning PHP, or even using it, as it is kind of the worst programming languages in existence. Or actually it is not even a programming language, it is some kind of script interpreter where ‘anything is allowed’, the worst way of programming in existence, contrary to more formal and real languages like Pascal (the language I learned first) and Java, a more recent, very strict, programming language.

So how I use it is kind of write or change one or a few lines of code, then see if it works and then repeat the process. And apparently that is the fastest way, at least for me, to develop code, to develop the stuff I am making the things I am good at. But with this question in mind and with the idea that I was taught to do something right the first time my method of developing software, my working method appears to be a bit strange. As most code I write has many errors the first time, which I just solve by testing the result and solving the errors.

And thinking further my way of programming is also very weird, as normally one makes some kind of design, preferably written down and discussed with the customer, where I just see the thing I want to build, am building in my head, through my imagination, at least the structure, and then just build it. And recently I read a book about cognitive science and when reading that book I realize I build software, websites, web applications as an expert, as I can’t tell you or anyone else how I do it, I just do it, I just ‘see’ in my head how it is supposed to be and then I build it.

So why do I make so many little mistakes, and also bigger mistakes, sometimes kind of fatal (programming) mistakes that sometimes show up much later, where fatal means that customers or website users would see them.

Well, I guess the why is that I believe that it is the fastest way of building the stuff I make. Or the most efficient. Or the cheapest. As I can type fast and program fast and with that fast pace it is often the fastest way to accept errors and correct them after testing, after checking if it works or not.

But anyhow, the question made me think about the enormous amount of typing and small programming mistakes I make. And that is okay, as it works for me. But right now the question is triggering another question: if I also make so many mistakes in other areas of my life and if that would also be acceptable or the fastest way.

So that is something to think about further, analyze further. But not now.

Thanks for reading and of course comments are very welcome as usual.

Self analysis: question 2

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I couldn’t really get going the last few days, including today, so I guess the best way to get out of that is just continuing with what I started last week, answering the self analysis questions from the last chapter of Think and Grow Rich.

But before going to that, the second question, there are still things in my mind, like why am I not moving, why do I, well, feel bad? And ‘they’ say it is all in you, in me, but it feels like some external force has taken over, that I am not supposed to do anything, that I am supposed to rest or something. So strange, and kind of contradictory, what is happening and what I am writing about, as I thought it all starts with me, with you, with desire and autosuggestion and such. But maybe this self analysis, this second question, will give more clarity, so let’s just go to that.

And the second question is “Do you find fault with other people at the slightest provocation?”. And I guess answering that, thinking about that may indeed give some answers. As I notice more and more that I blame other people and circumstances for the situation I am in, that I (still) act like a victim, that I still feel helpless, helpless in getting what I want, helpless in getting what I want in life, helpless getting what I want from life.

So yes, I often find fault with other people. Or maybe even always. Not sure if that is related to provocation or something, but I guess there must be something to that, otherwise Napoleon Hill wouldn’t have included that in the question.

I am turning that around by the way, the fault finding, as I see more and more that what other people do or want or think has nothing to do with me. So why would I feel provoked with anything someone else says or does or thinks?

And not sure what else to write, to answer related to this question, except maybe that I am thinking a lot about things like who I am and what I am doing here on this earth, in this life and if there is indeed some kind of Higher Power I have to answer to. But while writing the last immediately the question arises why I have been given the power of choice, or don’t I have a real choice? Yes, I have, as I could sell the house and immediately solve my financial problems, but I choose not to, as I believe things will be better, as I believe somehow I can turn everything around and stay here and enjoy and let other people enjoy.

But it has been too long, and I kind of gave up, although I am still doing things to make ‘it’ work, to get what I want. But I also didn’t give up, as I am still moving, still getting up, standing up, after falling down again.

But yeah, maybe the answer is indeed in some Higher Power, in Infinite Intelligence.

Forgiveness and Hiroshima

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In my mind is still the subject of forgiveness I was writing about yesterday. And I just saw a documentary related to the dropping of Little Boy on Hiroshima. And there was something else in my mind I think, but I can’t remember it right now. Maybe my silence when I feel powerless towards other people.

The forgiveness stayed in my mind because I understand it is related to wrong doing. And I think I can’t imagine or accept that things have been done wrong to me as I always find excuses for things, things other people do. Ah, another thing came up with me today or so, that I don’t know the difference between being responsible and being guilty. As for me being responsible means something like being guilty. So who would want to be responsible or take responsibility if it only leads to being guilty?

So it seems I am starting to realize that my dad did wrong to me. And that he was responsible, but, I realize while writing, not necessarily guilty. And the wrong he did had and still has unimaginable consequences for my life. And yes, I guess I am very angry with my dad, still, as I thought I had forgiven him. Or something like that. As the subject of my dad keeps coming back, but I guess many or most or all people have issues with their dad. Or with their mam. Or with both.

So it seems I have to accept my dad did wrong to me. As maybe that is what I don’t do, maybe I keep finding excuses for him, that he had his reasons for what he did and that his intentions were good. But maybe that’s not the point. As everybody’s intentions are good. For themselves or from their perspective. As I understand that the Hiroshima bombing was ‘right’ and saved many lives. As it prevented an invasion that would have probably cost many more lives than the lives of the people killed in the bombing.

But of course it was wrong for the people in Hiroshima, and later the people in Nagasaki. As their lives were ended or destroyed. So well, is there guilt involved? Maybe not. Is there responsibility involved? Certainly. So maybe this is a good sample to keep in mind while learning about the difference between guilt and responsibility.

And right now I’m just tired, so I’m going to stop now. But I think it was very useful writing, as I think it brought me a little closer to understanding.

Forgiveness

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Forgiveness or forgiving is something I still don’t understand and it seems to be a major skill if you want to live a happy life. Ah, Wikipedia starts with something like ‘victim’, so there must be a victim if forgiveness is applicable? Ah, and it seems for forgiveness you must acknowledge wrongdoing. And mostly I don’t acknowledge wrongdoing, so maybe that’s where my problem with forgiveness. As somehow I believe everybody in the end is just good, tries to do the best thing. So if that is true, how can something be wrong?

And yes, a while ago I understood more about what is in the Our Father. As I read the version of the part “And forgive us our trespasses,as we forgive them that trespass against us”. And I realize you can’t avoid doing wrong to other beings or things. As when you just walk, you step on I guess millions of living things like bacteria and you may just kill a lot of them. And you can’t do anything else, as even when you sit or sleep you still do the same. And when you eat you virtually always eat living things, so something has to die for you to survive. So these things are not wrong in an absolute sense or for you and me, but they are certainly wrong for the being or thing you are ‘acting upon’.

So I read somewhere it is a good habit to apologize, ask for forgiveness for those type of things, even if they’re just part of life and you can’t avoid them. As you are doing ‘wrong’ to something else.

So well, even if I think nothing is ‘wrong’, I can still ask for forgiveness and yes, of course I hope I will be forgiven for those things.

Maybe that thinking is a good start for thinking about the things I am doing wrong, and realizing better how forgiveness works and why it is needed or good.

How do they do it

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I am still wondering how other bloggers do it, the successful bloggers, like Leo Babauta and Alden Tan. They also often write about difficulties and stuff, but somehow they seem to be able to make it into something inspiring, where I have the feeling I’m just complaining. And yes, often, at the end of a post, I try to make some kind of positive statement, but I have the feeling many others handle their pain and sorrow much better.

Like right now, my life is still not in order as there is still no money coming in. And my partner and I are fighting, yes, a silent battle, but still. And somehow part of it, maybe even the biggest part, goes back to the fact that neither of us is good in earning, in getting money in. So slowly we got from having quite a lot of money, which I had when I left The Netherlands around ten years ago, to no money and the last few years to borrowing money. And it all went so silent, in such a sneaky way, that it was too late when I realized how bad it was. And right now I don’t see any way to get out of it, except ‘working hard’, which I do with my new project, but that has been something I have done all my life and somehow that didn’t work out.

And yes, lately I have kind of stopped the outgoing money flow, even though there is still quite a lot going out every month in a hidden way, in unpaid mortgage for the house and unpaid interest for the loans. So I did improve things. But right now I am kind of on a crossroad again, as there is nothing really coming in this month, meaning soon I will probably have no option but to borrow again as I have no clue how to increase my income. As I tried ‘everything’ to ‘earn’, except moving to another place, another city, another country, and nothing has worked.

And yes, I had some recent requests, but one prospect chose for another party and another prospect I can’t reach after sending a proposal. And both cost me quite some effort and time, although not really, just one or two days. And the first I thought I ‘had’ as we had quite a good conversation on Skype. But his main reason to choose for another party was that I am working alone right now. And of course that’s a risk, but that’s also kind of a chicken/egg problem. As if I don’t have enough customers I can’t grow my company, unless I find a partner or investor of course.

And I tried Elance again, but I did not hear anything from the few proposals I put there. And yes, as indicated before I started a new project, a new venture, a new challenge. And I won’t give up and I know somewhere deep down that if I continue ‘standing up’ one day success will come. It must.

But right now I feel a bit the same as when I started this site, where I was hoping I could have talked about my success already. But for now you’ll just still have to do with my complaints and stuff. But I hope one day, when you end up in this post or another complain-type post, you will also find my success story. So you will know that if you feel like me right now, if you just continue, the success will just be there.

So until then!