Tag Archives: Thoughts

I messed up

I messed up lately with practically everything, especially with Inspiration for Success. I didn’t even send the daily quotes which I mostly manage to do, even if I am away. And I never expected this to happen, as I thought I had learned what was discipline and habit. But apparently I haven’t.

Not sure what is next, but at least I am writing again here.

Fake it

I still don’t feel like writing here anymore, so what was in my mind today was what to do with that. And the answer ‘fake it’ came to me, although of course that is not a solution in the end.

And the ‘fake it’ I encountered at least two times, once when I read or heard about a priest who did not believe anymore in God. And he was advised to just ‘fake it’ (in order to keep his job etc.).

And I also heard it in a movie. Forgot the name, but it was a spy movie with Al Pacino as one of the main characters.

Anyhow, I can’t keep faking it, so I have to find some kind of solution to keep writing here.

And the best thing is to achieve success, as that is what the site is all about in the end.

Flexible discipline and habit

I am still struggling with going the extra mile and discipline and habit as right now I am tired (again) and don’t really feel like writing a post here and certainly not the next self analysis post.

And yes, I am seeing and feeling the power of habit as I am writing here now. And I am still making the bed every day, even though sometimes, very sometimes, just before I go to bed. But I do it.

And I also feel the habit of doing my little exercise in the morning, even though recently I was not able to do the sets of twenty as is basically my goal, but mostly sets of five that I mostly try to increase over the days.

So yes, these habits have brought me something and they are very powerful. But I am starting to realize I also seem to have developed the habit of being unhappy (instead of happy) and I have no clue how to change that, as all these self help ‘tricks’ don’t seem to help.

And yes, somehow I still don’t feel like I am able to control my thoughts, maybe the most important thing to do in life, maybe the most important message from Think and Grow Rich, from Napoleon Hill.

And I feel like I (still) lost all my desire and recently I lost almost all my sex drive, even though the last always was one of my wishes. But now I have it it’s no fun, as indeed I believe that sex is the major driver of human action, and I am also kind of experiencing that right now, as without my sex drive everything seems so dull, so useless, so aimless.

Ah, and I got back to my daily planning, and it is working, as it gives me some direction for every day and helps me finish things and makes me feel somehow kind of satisfied when I notice that I have all the things that I planned for a day.

So yes, I know all the tricks and even apply many or most or all of them, even keeping a daily gratitude diary.

But no, I am still not living, there is still something missing and I have no clue what, or how to get it, even though I feel it must be there.

So no, not a positive post today, although writing this down, making this analysis, could be the start of finding a solution, the solution. The solution how to live and enjoy life.

 

Ah, one good thing, as while finishing this post Ulla came to me, the dog that is still alive because,. next to other things, I decided to bring her to the vet, do everything I could to make her survive. And her coming to me just now gave me a very good feeling, even made me kind of feel happy.

Self analysis, question 29

Tired and my head full of co-pilots crashing planes. Sad, but pilots are also human, so these things can happen. And still weird CNN puts so much attention to something like a plane crash where ‘only’ one hundred fifty people died. And even three presidents went to the crash site. What makes us so focused on incidents like this where other things like just traffic causes so many more deaths and injuries? And what about war? Or illness like cancer or heart disease? And I know news is just news, more like show, but do you know, do most people know?

Anyhow, let’s go to today’s self analysis question: “What do you value most, your material possessions, or your privilege of  controlling your own thoughts?”.

And this is a bit a weird question to me as what does hanging on to material things or striving to have them to do with controlling your thoughts? I mean, I don’t get the relation between the two.

But if I have to answer it I guess I value my material possessions most as I really hang on to my house, even though I can’t really afford it as of the moment which puts my conscience in jeopardy as I don’t want to be in debt but don’t want to lose the house also.

And controlling my thoughts is still hard for me in the sense that I can’t manage to keep my thoughts positive. As yesterday I read again about the positive and negative emotions and I noticed that my thoughts, my emotions are mostly negative, like being scared and worried and ashamed, feeling scared, worried and ashamed.

And thinking further, I miss material things so much as of the moment that I would kind of give anything to achieve some more material wealth, so I might give up the privilege of controlling my own thoughts, even though again I don’t see the relation between the two.

So today I am a bit lost, but yes, I do hang on to material things and I don’t know how to control my thoughts.

Self analysis, question 27

I just got an e-mail that made me very scared. And I was just thinking what kind of fear is behind it, related to the previous self analysis question about fear. I guess behind my fear is the fear of criticism as I fear the judgement of others related to a mistake, or many mistakes, I made. And the problem is I am making the same mistake over and over as I did not find a way yet how to correct the mistake without doing other or more damage than the mistakes themselves do. Or maybe I am just selfish, but I have more and more the feeling life has been very unfair to me. Or at least until now I didn’t understand what life or God or The Universe wants from me, what I am here to do.

And I am getting more and more tired again, pushing myself against the things I don’t like, the things I don’t know how to handle.

So maybe just see if today’s self analysis question gives some answers: “Have you a method by which you can shield yourself against the negative influence of others?”.

And maybe there is some answer in that question as I am just suffering from the idea that others will judge me for what I did, for my mistakes, where ‘others’ means something like the internal voice who says I have done it all wrong. And I did it all wrong, but I still don’t know how to do it right, as it often feels I have the choice between bad and worse. So who wouldn’t choose bad?

And still struggling with how much power I, a human being, actually have and how much influence ‘circumstances’ have.

And again, I keep struggling with whether I should give up the house or not. It would solve so many things, at least on short term. But I know also that making decisions like that in a bad emotional state is not a wise thing to do. And in the long term it doesn’t solve anything, it goes against everything I believe in now.

So am I fooling myself by just persisting in my cause and hoping for better times? It would be so easy to give in and give up the house and ‘move on’ as they say. But then, where would I go and wouldn’t I be running from myself (also)?