Tag Archives: Asking

Memories

I found some photo’s yesterday or so, photo’s of The Kranz, a Bed & Breakfast I visited long time ago. And I think I wrote about it earlier, but I’m not sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog. And the main photo is this one:

The Kranz terrace view. .

As somehow that is the view that lead me to The Malasag House. But while thinking, I have always liked ‘ends of the world’ and ‘highest points’, and while writing I guess many people do, although I think I have it a bit more than average.

And I still want The Malasag House to be a bit the same, full of guests, full of people, enjoying the beautiful view, the beautiful venue, meeting people or us, or not. But until now I didn’t really succeed and I still don’t know why. Or yes, I do, but I don’t know how to fix it, as it has to do with my relationship. And the weird thing is my partner is the one who is sociable, apparently caring for people. And he loves gardening and keeping the house in order, making the house nice, for guests. But somehow he doesn’t want paying guests, want people to pay, meaning we don’t have enough money, not even to maintain the place. And yes, of course I would also like, love to invite people for free, give them everything they want, everything they need, as we did before, when we still had money. But as of the moment we can’t, so why not find another way, why not just ask for some contribution? I’m quite sure people would be willing to help, willing to help to let The Malasag House shine. But somehow my partner doesn’t want to, is too embarrassed or something. And of course I need to honor that feeling, but in my feeling everybody loses, as now we can’t share the house, share a nice, beautifully maintained resort type house. A house worth sharing, a house worth keeping, a house worth maintaining. And I still didn’t find a way to deal with this except ‘work, work, work’, meaning everybody, including my partner, say and think, complain ‘he is always working’, which is true.

So this brought me back to my previous partner, the partner I was with when visiting The Kranz. And he always also experience me working. And complained about it. And yes, I also experience I’m kind of a workaholic. But I don’t know any other way to pay the bills. Except for something like indeed sharing the house in a paid Bed & Breakfast type of way. Or winning the lottery or something.

And I don’t know how other people do this, how they pay the bills. As until now I didn’t find another way.

And yes, I’m complaining again. But wouldn’t you if you couldn’t travel anymore, didn’t have a car anymore, couldn’t maintain the dogs, couldn’t have fun with your partner going out, especially if that were things that brought you together, kept you together in the beginning?

Well, wanted to share some other photo’s with a nicer story, like me with a Cheetah. And while starting this sentence I didn’t feel like it, but while writing I’ll just put that photo here, below.

Cheetah on lap. .

And that photo was taken on the same holiday, at the Tshukudu Game Lodge, I think the best place I ever visited on a holiday, and yes, also one of the most expensive, but it was worth it, more than. And I still remember the morning walk with lions and an elephant. And the cheetah on my lap as you can see on the photo. Very impressive and kind of scary, because I remember touching the tail of one of the lions that was with us, and it was a lion’s tail, certainly not a cat’s tail, a pet’s tail. And the cheetah was a young cheetah, and it scratched me, no not bad, but again, a predator’s touch, not the scratch of a cat or a dog.

And yes, I miss that life, I miss the life where we could basically do what we wanted, having enough money to travel, maintain the house and garden, go out, visit friends, invite friends. And I don’t know where it went or why it didn’t come back yet. As I know much more now, have much more life experience, know more how to get things and stuff. But somehow it didn’t happen yet, somehow I can’t find the inspiration, can’t find the inner strength to get there, again, and this time better, this time for real.

But yes, the last was and is what this site is all about, finding success, finding inspiration to success, inspiration for success. And persistent I am, but something is missing. And I still don’t know what. But I’ll get there, I have to find out, I have to be who I really am, I have to be who I really can be.

What about you?

Patience?

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Actually I wanted to write about this yesterday, but somehow the other idea took charge, so what happened to me last Saturday or so needed to wait.

And it wasn’t that special what happened last Saturday, but somehow it also was. And it’s worth thinking about I guess, it’s worth contemplating.

And you may or not know, but for quite a while I have been trying to start with the tools section in this website. Tools like helping you create a desire document or helping you get more clarity on your goals and how to reach them. And me being me I want to build that part of the site in my own way, according to the standards of Active Discovery Designs. As I believe building it in WordPress, according to the WordPress standards, will be too complicated and too time consuming. And next to that I don’t want to depend on the way WordPress is going as I don’t have good experience with Open Source systems when you have to support them, want to maintain them, want to expand them. And don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Open Source systems as e.g. most of the web servers on the internet are even running on Open Source systems like LInux, PHP and mySQL. And until now this whole site has been built with WordPress according to the WordPress standards.

Anyhow, I didn’t want to talk about Open Source systems and such, but about my experience with something that had been bothering me for weeks already, maybe even months. As I was looking for a way to create a simple signup procedure where you only have to enter your e-mail address and a password to either sign in to this site or to register. And yes, at the same time go to my own, much simpler, way of programming a website, a web application. But I got stuck.

And getting stuck when writing software is quite a common thing, at least for me. Sometimes you ‘just don’t see it’ and you get stuck in some very weird process where you just can’t find the bug, can’t find the error, can’t find why something doesn’t work. And it can keep you busy for days, where in the end the solution is often just one or two lines of code or some very stupid simple programming error. So I got stuck in the problem of automatically logging the user in after signing up, after entering a new e-mail address. And no, this website is not a full time job or something, especially the programming part, but I did spend quite some hours spent over a few weeks to solve this problem. And I couldn’t find it, I just couldn’t find why it didn’t work. And last Saturday I did one small search in Google and suddenly I found the solution as also other people had experienced the same thing. And indeed, also this time the solution took like fifteen minutes or less to implement. And it will take me probably hours to take out all the ‘debugging code’ that I have added to find the problem. But again, I don’t want to talk about software development.

No, I wanted to talk about that sometimes, or even mostly, solutions just ‘come to you’. And that is maybe also what the teachings of Abraham Hicks are trying to tell us. That all the pushing and shoving and hammering that we often do when things don’t work, when we want to put something into place, are not needed or even can have a negative impact. As when I would have just searched in a relaxed way in Google instead of trying and trying and trying to solve this problem I would have saved a lot of time, effort, energy and annoyance. So yes, often stopping and thinking works better than just ‘work, work, work’.

And I remember another sample of a similar situation. As I was on the way to the wake of a friend of mine who had died. And I didn’t know exactly where it was, but the name of the funeral home made me think it was somewhere near a subdivision with the same name. And that subdivision is something like six kilometers away from the city center, the city center where I started my search. And it took me I think even hours to find out I was in the wrong place. While if I would have just asked someone in the city center, where I was, close to the funeral home, I would have saved a lot of time and effort and even money. But no, I just had a wrong perception and was too, well, maybe preoccupied, with what I thought was right, to consider asking.

So better think and ask first, before doing a lot of effort.

Inspiration, passion

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So the question “what’s next” keeps popping up and is kind of getting stronger. As somehow I have lost all inspiration and passion towards the future. And today I realized that awful feeling, that tension in my upper legs has come back. And I thought I was beyond that now, but somehow it came back, today.

And yes, somehow deep down I know what’s going on. Somehow I lost the passion for life, for being me long time ago. Somehow it has been beaten out of me by ‘life’, by the dependence on other people for certain things like jobs (to get money, especially to do fun things) and love and sex. And that gives those people power.

And while writing this I realize that somehow I still feel like a victim, that I’m still in ‘victim mode’. But yesterday I read a sentence that hit me: “Abuse is NOT your fault” (How to Deal with Emotional Abuse). But on the other hand I read everywhere that my life and my happiness and such is my responsibility. And that’s where I get lost. As how can it not be my fault being abused when I’m responsible. So I’m responsible but it’s not my fault. How can that be? As to me responsibility for something implies that it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But I have the feeling most or many other people see this different.

And yes, now the famous “you have to change” comes to mind again. That’s what many people have told me most of my life so there must be some truth in it. And that’s also exactly what my partner uses to put me down, to put me in the defense. As I am unhappy and can’t get, don’t have what I want. And you can’t change the other person, so you have to change yourself. And again, if you’re unhappy it’s your own responsibility to ‘change’. Meaning it’s your fault.

At least that’s the type of reasoning I seem to get stuck in. As responsibility seems to be something different than ‘fault’ or ‘guilt‘. And I am stuck in some beliefs, beliefs that I prefer to keep as those beliefs are so deep rooted in me that I think I would become another person if I let them go. Or is it just fear?

And I was looking for ways to make Inspiration for Success more inspirational again. And maybe I found a way now to add pages on responsibility and fault. Let’s do that first.

So I guess a bit more of a useful post than the ones I’ve been recently writing. So I have some kind of start again. Thank you Lord!

What’s next?

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I guess I used this name before, or actually I’m sure as the automatically created link indicates so. So what are we here to do (on earth), what am I here to do? I learned a lot, did a lot, but somehow I still don’t fit, somehow I still don’t add a lot of value, except learning, gaining knowledge. But that doesn’t add anything to other people and also doesn’t add to the world I guess. So what am I here to do?

And I started this site, this project, the project Inspiration for Success as something to give. And I feel like I am giving, as every day I send my daily quote and every day I write my daily post, although I feel like writing ‘every day I write something’ as often lately I feel like my writing doesn’t add much value.

And I know I didn’t chose an easy way, as until now I decided to stick with my model of give and receive. So no earnings from advertising or from selling links or article space. And no camera yet, even though my request for a camera is on every page.

So what’s next? Should I stick with my business model and my complaints related to e.g. Globe and Smart/PLDT, and yesterday to Microsoft? And please keep in mind, I do complain, but I am also doing some serious stuff to get it solved, to improve things, to improve the world, like the letters I wrote to the management of Smart/PLDT the management of Globe and the National Bureau of Investigation. And my questions in Facebook to find out what is the truth behind all the complaints and what is the real story of the telecom industry for implementing volume limits on unlimited plans.

And I think I am doing something good by opposing the script insertion by Globe as I really believe that is unethical so someone has to do something about it.

But until now I have the feeling I am getting nothing in return: no success, no money, no respect, no nothing, although maybe one exception is the e-mails I got from the management of Smart, as they say my suggestions are being taken very seriously.

But while writing maybe I should make some kind of desire document around this. Or indeed re-read my desire document more regularly, as often when doing so I realize this may all be part of it, part of what I want. And that my time of success will come, no matter what, if i only persist and do the right thing with the right intention.

But right now I still believe I deserve some more, some more for all my effort. Effort that is not only intended to make me rich or successful or something, but also intended to improve the world, to help other people, to make other people more happy, to bring more happiness in the world.

And I keep asking myself if all those (other) successful people felt the same, just tired of not getting anything in return for their actions or what they believed in.

What do you believe in? And what do you want? And how can I help you?

Please let me know.

Love what you do

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Just read this quote:

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.” – Steve Jobs

And I love what I do, but somehow something is missing and somehow there is too much what I don’t like to do. And while thinking I loved more to be the manager of Active Discovery Designs instead of being the whole of Active Discovery Designs what i am now. As today most of my day was spent on doing all kinds of errands in the city, like doing bank transactions and paying bills. And yes, I kind of like that also, but it meant I arrived home at the end of the afternoon and started working something like 5pm.

Mitsubishi Pajero And looking back I see many of my mistakes, but I also don’t know how I could have done it differently. And that is still what is bothering me, what is keeping me busy thinking: how can I make it work, how can I rebuild Active Discovery Designs in a way that would work. And the image of Active Discovery Designs in my mind is quite clear. I see the building and I see 200 people working there. And I see myself in a black Pajero going there, something like being the CEO, something like managing the whole thing, giving it direction.

But no, I don’t see the management team and the employees. As it seems they are not there, they are not in Cagayan de Oro City, not in The Philippines. So how will I get them here?