Tag Archives: Complaining

Self analysis: question 1

Recently I have been overwhelmed by the most dangerous ‘ghost of fear’, the fear of poverty and in analogy of what I have done in my Dutch site related to codependency I want to answers the self analysis questions from Napoleon Hill as stated in the chapter The Six Ghosts of Fear. And today is a good day to start, as this morning, and the last few mornings and days, I woke up pretty tense, so tense that I could hardly get started doing anything the beginning of the day.

So the first question “Do you complain often of “feeling bad”, and if so, what is the cause?” may be very applicable to my current state and what I am doing in this post and probably am doing in this site. As somehow I started this post with complaining about feeling tense. And feeling tense is inclusive of feeling bad. And looking back at the site I think many of my posts include complaints and probably complaints related to feeling bad.

So yes, it seems I often complain about feeling bad. And as far as I know that is also the reason that many friends don’t want to deal with me anymore, avoid me. And of course I don’t like that and of course that makes me feel bad. So I may be in some kind of circle, feeling bad and with that also creating circumstances that make me feel bad or worse.

So what is the reason behind my feeling bad, what is the cause? And I never found a real answer to that, even though I have read this question quite a few times and also did some effort a while ago to really answer those questions honestly, working on them honestly.

The first thing that comes up with me right now though is that I don’t feel appreciated, that the cause of my feeling bad is that I don’t feel appreciated, or more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated. And even more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated by others, especially customers, or before ‘bosses’. And, together with what I have been doing, reading, researching lately, this may indeed be the root cause of my unhappiness, my complaining, that I don’t feel appreciated by others.

And maybe, while writing, the main reason behind that is that I don’t appreciate myself, that I don’t appreciate my efforts or the results of my efforts or just myself. And maybe this first analysis question just points me again to something I found quite a while ago in Think and Grow Rich, that the main cause of failure is lack of self confidence. And that the main ingredient for achieving success is self confidence. And right now I want to add that the main ingredient for success may even just be self acceptance, or more positively stated, self appreciation. As maybe it is true that if you can’t appreciate yourself, how can someone else appreciate you?

So maybe work on that, start with that, looking more at who I am and what I am doing here and appreciating that, just that, appreciating myself.

How do they do it

I am still wondering how other bloggers do it, the successful bloggers, like Leo Babauta and Alden Tan. They also often write about difficulties and stuff, but somehow they seem to be able to make it into something inspiring, where I have the feeling I’m just complaining. And yes, often, at the end of a post, I try to make some kind of positive statement, but I have the feeling many others handle their pain and sorrow much better.

Like right now, my life is still not in order as there is still no money coming in. And my partner and I are fighting, yes, a silent battle, but still. And somehow part of it, maybe even the biggest part, goes back to the fact that neither of us is good in earning, in getting money in. So slowly we got from having quite a lot of money, which I had when I left The Netherlands around ten years ago, to no money and the last few years to borrowing money. And it all went so silent, in such a sneaky way, that it was too late when I realized how bad it was. And right now I don’t see any way to get out of it, except ‘working hard’, which I do with my new project, but that has been something I have done all my life and somehow that didn’t work out.

And yes, lately I have kind of stopped the outgoing money flow, even though there is still quite a lot going out every month in a hidden way, in unpaid mortgage for the house and unpaid interest for the loans. So I did improve things. But right now I am kind of on a crossroad again, as there is nothing really coming in this month, meaning soon I will probably have no option but to borrow again as I have no clue how to increase my income. As I tried ‘everything’ to ‘earn’, except moving to another place, another city, another country, and nothing has worked.

And yes, I had some recent requests, but one prospect chose for another party and another prospect I can’t reach after sending a proposal. And both cost me quite some effort and time, although not really, just one or two days. And the first I thought I ‘had’ as we had quite a good conversation on Skype. But his main reason to choose for another party was that I am working alone right now. And of course that’s a risk, but that’s also kind of a chicken/egg problem. As if I don’t have enough customers I can’t grow my company, unless I find a partner or investor of course.

And I tried Elance again, but I did not hear anything from the few proposals I put there. And yes, as indicated before I started a new project, a new venture, a new challenge. And I won’t give up and I know somewhere deep down that if I continue ‘standing up’ one day success will come. It must.

But right now I feel a bit the same as when I started this site, where I was hoping I could have talked about my success already. But for now you’ll just still have to do with my complaints and stuff. But I hope one day, when you end up in this post or another complain-type post, you will also find my success story. So you will know that if you feel like me right now, if you just continue, the success will just be there.

So until then!

Leave it to the Universe

I never really believed in ‘leaving things to God’ or something. Or I never knew how to do that. But recently it seems I am more able to do that, and the results are amazing, like I am complaining less to other people and often outcomes are just stunning. Like earlier this week I had to wait a long time in the bank and I was a bit annoyed with it. But after leaving the bank I just bumped into some friends who passed by. Or actually they bumped into me. And it was nothing really special meeting them, but it was special realizing that my waiting in the bank had made it possible to meet them, for them to see me and stop and say ‘hi’.

And also today I was a bit annoyed as my partner and a visiting cousin wanted to go to the movie and I actually didn’t want to go as I still had a lot of unfinished things on my daily list. And amazingly the movie was not scheduled yet, so they decided we would not watch a movie. And then again I was a bit annoyed as my partner wanted to buy DVD’s in the city, so another time lost. Or so I thought. But while on the way I remembered I still wanted to see someone to finish a business deal who is often near the place where my partner normally buys DVD’s. So I asked them to drop me, which they did, and you already can guess that the person I wanted to see was there and was available to discuss the things I wanted to discuss.

And again, normally if my partner is at that place, he wants to stay longer than me. But not today, as after one beer he said he wanted to go home as he was tired. And that was also where I wanted to go.

So by just looking up, closing my eyes, and trusting ‘The Universe’ (and  not complaining to others) I got everything I wanted, including some spare time, as I came home and felt kind of sick, interpreting this that it was time to rest and re-plan my unfinished things for today. And again, it really was like it ‘came to me’, the thought it was enough for today, that it was time to be flexible and not stubborn, not stubbornly finish my things until deep in the night.

So amazing what happens, if you let go of the control, if you just leave things to God, to The Universe, and not complain so much anymore. As things then just come to you.

And yes, I remember now, that I got a strong message yesterday or so, that help is on the way. And today I wanted to force that, but something in me said that I just need to trust and wait, and not try to force it. As that just doesn’t work. Which doesn’t mean taking action is wrong or so, or not needed. But indeed, only inspired action seems to work and any uninspired action seems to be doomed to fail.

So yes, take action, but only if you feel like it, only if you feel inspired.

Left out?

I had a very good phone call with my mam today. At least I thought. Until the moment I told her about my feelings. Things like that I would have expected a phone call instead of a text message when my mam and my sister found out that my other sister was very sick. And that I felt a little left out with the decisions around the funeral of my sister. As everything has been decided without me.

And yes, I can imagine a bit that they sent me a text message instead of a phone call, as it was the middle of the night here. And no, of course they didn’t know that my sister was going to die so soon after. But looking back they had spent hours and hours in the hospital. And is it then so strange to call your son, your brother if your daughter, your sister is in the hospital? And yes, somehow I can imagine you would send a text if you realize it is too late to make a phone call to someone on the other end of the world, especially if you realize that it is the middle of the night for him. But somehow going to the hospital around 12 noon or something when it is something like seven pm in the evening, spending hours and hours in the hospital with all kinds of examinations and knowing that I am a ‘late’ type of person and where I am even the legal representative of my sister, well that hurts a bit, that leaves me a bit left out. But well, the reasoning of my mam was also valid, that they were just supporting Janneke and didn’t have the opportunity to call, like having no balance in their mobile phones. And no, at that time of course they didn’t know how bad it was. Although the text I got from my sister, later, in the middle of my night, made clear to me that something serious was going on. So they knew, so they must have known earlier.

And as I don’t have the funds to go and attend the funeral, together with some other private reasons, I asked if it would be possible if I could attend using Skype or something. And I heard all kinds of reasoning going on between my mam and my sister, like friends of my sister might be able to arrange that. But I suggested they would just ask the undertaker, which they apparently did, as I heard afterward he had said something like there might be no internet on the locations of the service and/or the burial. So that is what I heard yesterday. So today I was bringing up the subject again to my mam, but it seemed nothing had been arranged. And right now it is evening here, and the burial is tomorrow morning Dutch time, so not much, or practically spoken no time all to arrange something like Skype. So again, is it so strange I feel a bit left out? As it seems the undertaker has not done anything, like calling me or e-mailing me to test some video setup or something. And no internet? Well, this all takes place in The Netherlands and here in The Philippines there is internet everywhere, Skype everywhere, like practically all my friends have a smartphone with internet. So that wouldn’t be possible in The Netherlands, one of the countries with the best internet in the world? And an undertaker would not make any effort to try to find a way so the brother of the person who passed away could attend the funeral online? Would that not be a common request in 2014? And wouldn’t it be easy to set up? And yes, even in 2014 I would test that beforehand. As often it is not as easy as it seems. But time is running out, kind of has passed away already. And in my opinion there was time enough, but not anymore.

So no, I guess I won’t attend the funeral tomorrow. And looking at all of this nobody considered I also might have wanted to be part of all the arrangements and such. Like who would be invited, where it would be held, what the time would be,what the priest would say and things like that. And yes, I know that I wrote to the people of “De Losserhof” to arrange everything as my mother would want it. And yes, of course I meant that and of course I will honor that. And I keep telling myself that that was my message. And that my mother lost a child, which of course somehow is the worst thing in the world,even though Janneke was a special child and my mother had a somehow different relationship with her than a ‘normal’ mother and child relationship. But somehow deep inside me something tells me something is wrong. And that I am indeed being left out. That they could have at least asked what I wanted, if I had any ideas about how it should be, especially after I indicated this to my mam this afternoon when we called.

And at the end of the phone call we talked about some practical things, like payments and such, e.g. for the funeral. And my mam just insisted that she was the one in charge, that she was responsible for everything and sign the stuff and such, where I had found that my mam, my other sister and I are responsible together, not she alone. ‘But the undertaker had told her so’, so it was true. And I was wrong. And where I was just trying to help, share the responsibility, make things easier, my mam just got more upset. So in the end the help arrived, so she wanted to stop the call. And yes, maybe I insisted a bit too much to make my thoughts, my wishes clear. But then the connection was lost. And I couldn’t call her again. So I’m not fully sure if she hung up or not, but it appeared so. And that made me a bit lost, yes maybe made me feel left out, again.

So yes, my mam lost a child, her child. And maybe that does more to her than I think, as I indicated that she had a special relationship with Janneke, not the common ‘mother child’ relationship.

But still, she always tells me she does everything for me, that I am everything to her. And that she always worries about me. But I don’t see it, I don’t feel it. As in the end it is always my sister, my other sister, who is right and who she is close to. And right now I wasn’t even asked one single thing, one little input for the funeral of my sister, not even a word to write or to say, not even flowers to be chosen, as my name is already there.

So can you imagine that I feel a little left out? And that I probably won’t attend the funeral tomorrow, even if they somehow would manage to setup some kind of video conference facility? As I just feel left out.

Ah, yes, and of course I am writing ‘again’ negative things, about my mam, about my sister and about who else. As that is what she hears. As she doesn’t even take the effort to read what I write,every day. As she is too old. And yes, I know I can write complaining type posts, like this one maybe is. But I also wrote a kind of celebrating post where I mentioned my sister as some kind of shining star, which you can see in the photo in my Dutch post of today.. And the same photo I posted in Facebook, I think in a very positive way, saying goodbye to my sister.

And strange, my mam doesn’t seem to see how proud I have become about my writing, my posts, the discipline I have learned and things like that. But she doesn’t even agree, even if I doubt she even read one post,so how can she know if it is good or bad. And even if it is bad, so what?

So I hope one day she will be proud of me.


Bye bye, Janneke…

Earning as a blogger

Today I got an e-mail from Alden Tan as I get many. Often even e-mails with the same text with a different title, ‘as that works’ according to him. And his e-mail was about the commercial side of his blogging, the commercial side of blogging in general. That most bloggers earn from advertisements and people clicking on links. And ‘that works’. And I don’t mind, as I also earn from some of my sites, our sites (as most are earned by the company of me and my partner). And the last year the income from these sites were very welcome, looking at the financial status I am still in.

And his e-mail made me think, again, about this site. And yes, I know it has become some kind of personal diary, often of my problems and stuff, maybe even a site with my complaints, with me sometimes or often feeling a victim. So maybe my writing is not always that good, maybe it doesn’t really help people, maybe it isn’t all useful. But especially in the beginning I did my very best to also put more useful content, especially in the form of pages related to stuff I learned from the Principles of Success as described in Think and Grow Rich. And I started the IFS Tools, on my own in the end, as I couldn’t find any programmer to help me with it. And yes, I know they are kind of a draft, far from perfect and I guess for them being really useful they would need to be extended a bit. But when is good good enough?

Ah, and yes, I send a daily quote, now to around 150 e-mail addresses, partially from my initially entering e-mail addresses I had and found, but more recently from people signing up, as it is supposed to be.

So no, until now I didn’t earn anything with this site. And that bothers me. As either it is useless, except maybe for myself, or people just don’t care about the people behind many things like this blog, as ‘everything internet’ is ‘free’. And yes, I am also guilty of that, of using all kinds of stuff for free. As that is how the market works, first giving things for free, and in a later stage charge. Or just charge for additional stuff.

Well, the above makes me think again. As I still don’t understand how Facebook e.g. works. How can so many people use a system so much for free, presumably hardly clicking on advertisements, and Facebook still making a profit? Yes, maybe I still don’t fully understand what is real ‘mass production’ or ‘mass use’, the benefits of millions or billions of people using something. And even so, are we still willing to use services by paying for it indirectly, to especially the large companies paying for their advertisements to be put? Is this really the way how we want it? Should I really start putting advertisements here ‘because that is how the market works’? I don’t think so, but sometimes it is frustrating seeing ‘successful people’ and ‘successful companies’ earn so much, where I also do my best to put some value, even if it were just by sharing my thoughts.

P.S. I guess my request for a camera is still some kind of begging and maybe I should rephrase or just buy one, but is there really no one out there having some few years old decent camera he or she doesn’t use anymore and willing to send it to me?