Tag Archives: Spirituality

Now

I was not satisfied yesterday, as I usually am not satisfied with any post, or sometimes page, I write. One reason is that I could not find, or actually did not make the time, to find an image for this post, this ‘page’, and it seems I am, or my ego is, compelled with finding or putting an image on every post or page I write here. And yes, of course the reason is Search Engine Optimization (SEO), as Google is said to rank internet pages lower if there is no image or if there are no images. And if there is no image, no page image, I cannot properly share this post in Facebook, as of course if I share something there must be an image, otherwise people won’t like my post so much, or not click on the link, not ‘see me’.

So yes, it seems all those rules I set for myself seem to be related to ‘be seen’, to be recognized. And as I know now, that is the ego that wants to be seen and recognized.

And right now I am not satisfied either, as this text, this chapter, probably belongs to another post, another page, not this page with the title “The God Of My Understanding”.

And strange, the image I found when searching for ‘ego’ in AllTheFreeStock.

. Alter Ego

And right now my ego is causing me a lot of stress as the image is not uploading fast enough to my liking. Ah, and that is what I wanted to share, that I am trying to learn a lot recently from the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. I was just starting to listen to his book of which a spoken version is available on YouTube.

And weird, right now the complete opposite is happening to me as to what is being taught by Eckhart Tolle: my ego seems to have taken over completely and I am trying to do many things at the same time instead of staying in the now, what would give me peace, what would give peace, what is the only thing that probably is important: staying in the now.

Yesterday

For quite a while I have been very angry with God. Or at least I am very much struggling with the issue of “God’s will (for me”. As I have the feeling God’s will for me is completely opposite to what I want. I have the feeling God is completely against what I want and wants me to do something else than what I want. And this goes so far that I have virtually completely given up wanting anything, as God is against it anyway. So why would I want something and even do effort for it if God is against it anyhow. As also in my belief system is that God is all powerful and that nothing that God does not want will happen. And what God wants will happen.

So today I found myself verbalizing what I believe God wants from me, what God’s will for me is in my understanding. And I found myself writing something that God wants me to go to the US working in some kind of ‘simple’ job like cleaning in order to pay for my livelihood, for my food and such. And what God wants from me would imply I would need to leave my house and the dogs behind, and basically leave everything behind and start anew somewhere else, somewhere in a strange place I have no connection with, don’t know anybody and things like that. He would also want me to leave my computer systems behind, a computer system that holds all my data, including a lot of history and photos and web development stuff and such, a computer system I have put an awful lot of effort in building, even though I can’t fully maintain it the way I want it at the moment and was even confronted with a disk crash yesterday where part of my data was kind of lost. A pretty ‘impossible’ situation, as normally I keep almost everything in duplicate and next to that keep backups of my most important data that cannot be replaced or cannot easily be replaced.

Actually that disk crash was the starting point of a pretty bad mood in which I started writing down those thoughts about God’s will for me. And that might actually be a good thing, as it made me verbalize, realize what I believe God’s will is for me and what keeps me trapped in virtually doing ‘nothing’.

The strange things about my belief in what God’s will for me is, is that He always answers my prayers related to the dogs. As Ulla died at home, for which I prayed very hard and serious and Arf survived a very bad situation and Iwa’s tumors are gone. And with Ulla I even got more than I asked for, as I only asked for her to come home and die at home. God gave her even half a year more to live. And Arf’s tumor appeared not to be a real tumor and he survived as I was guided to the vet at the very last minute. And Iwa’s tumors disappearing recently is a real miracle. I could have never believed that really as it appeared to me she would die very soon as the tumors started to spread very quickly. And suddenly they just disappeared.

So God answering my prayers about the dogs is kind of contradictory to me for leaving them behind. And God wanting me to do a simple cleaning job or something is kind of contradictory to having a more than higher IQ than average and even having a Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering. And don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with any job, whether simple or complicated or whether requiring intelligence or not. But it just doesn’t make sense to me God gave me a more than average intelligence and not wanting me to use it (in a job). And I have a back injury, so not very convenient for me to do a lot of physical work. And having this pretty advanced computer network at home and giving it up also doesn’t make much sense to me, even though I don’t really need it anymore. But just letting it go is just too much to me and doesn’t make much sense, which is why I am still kind of keeping it alive.

So thinking further it appears to me that the God of my understanding is (still) completely against anything I want, except maybe when I pray for something with the health of the dogs. And thinking further a God who is completely against everything I want sounds more like a (the) devil to me than a (loving) God. As to me ‘loving’ implies helping and supporting the thing or person one loves. And being against everything I want and blocking it feels more like torture than like love to me.

Related to ‘love’ I often compare God’s relation with me with the relation I have with my dog Arf as I indeed want Arf doing what I want and not what he wants, regardless the fact that I love him very much. And that hurts me often, as I want to give him so much more freedom, but I don’t want him to fight with YokYok, which is why I keep him on a leash, and I don’t want him to get hurt in an accident, which is why I don’t want him to go out of the compound, out of the garden.

Anyhow, it is still weird to me that God does not seem to want to help me with restoring my relationship and with my career, with my business, the two things I want most, as my (ex-)partner still does not want to be my lover and partner again and I am still alone with my DoctorsConnect business, without clients or beta-testers even.

And yes, I understand God would not want to change my (ex-)partner as He gave us, humans, free will and He wouldn’t want to mess with that, even though I read many stories in the bible where God changed the mindset or thinking of human beings. I don’t understand why He didn’t let me meet the right people to either build a team or to find clients or beta-testers. I strongly believe God is capable of arranging something like that, and after more than three years that still did not happen. And I think “I did my part”, even though a few months I kind of gave up and decided to “let God” make my project happen as I think I did enough and have no clue what else to do (if God is so much against my project).

Enough for now I guess. And I hope you won’t consider this as a ‘negative’ post, as it kind of helped me writing down the truth about my thoughts and feelings about “God’s will”, love, and what I really want.

Fundamentals of leadership

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Somehow I started reading in the book “The Leader Who Had No Title” from Robin Sharma, even though I don’t like it so much. And I was not really into doing something, just wanted to relax, and didn’t really know what to do, so I just opened the book and started reading. And again, I don’t like how the book is written, the style, but somehow I kept reading and the content of the book is good, that is what I know, as I read most of the book before. And as before I started at the beginning, and started getting a bit bored, a bit annoyed with the style of writing, this time I decided to start pretty much at the end, as I presumed that was a part had not read before.

And the content was quite interesting, kind of linked to things I am currently doing, linked to spirituality, so I kept reading for a while. And while reading I was kind of struck by the “Seven Fundamentals of Leadership” as stated, even so much that it inspired me to write about it, share it here. Maybe just because I like lists, like the Principles of Success :).

And I have no clue what to write about them, but here they are:

Learning.
Affirmations.
Visualization.
Journaling.
Goal setting.
Exercise.
Nutrition.

Ah, and now I remember why I wanted to share, as especially ‘affirmations‘ and ‘visualization’ are things I can related to, especially affirmations, as I started doing affirmations quite recently. And somehow having a list of (positive) affirmations seems to work, even though I have not been that serious with them the last few days, the last week.

Mmm, and I am not sure how to continue now, as I don’t have much more to say about this. Maybe that it also struck me that what I read today also had strong relations with the ideas of Napoleon Hill, the author of Think and Grow Rich, the book that was the foundation for this site. Like our life is the result of our thinking, is the result of how we think. And that we can influence the way how we think. But that is another story and can be found elsewhere, probably better in other sites than in this site.

Leave it to the Universe

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I never really believed in ‘leaving things to God’ or something. Or I never knew how to do that. But recently it seems I am more able to do that, and the results are amazing, like I am complaining less to other people and often outcomes are just stunning. Like earlier this week I had to wait a long time in the bank and I was a bit annoyed with it. But after leaving the bank I just bumped into some friends who passed by. Or actually they bumped into me. And it was nothing really special meeting them, but it was special realizing that my waiting in the bank had made it possible to meet them, for them to see me and stop and say ‘hi’.

And also today I was a bit annoyed as my partner and a visiting cousin wanted to go to the movie and I actually didn’t want to go as I still had a lot of unfinished things on my daily list. And amazingly the movie was not scheduled yet, so they decided we would not watch a movie. And then again I was a bit annoyed as my partner wanted to buy DVD’s in the city, so another time lost. Or so I thought. But while on the way I remembered I still wanted to see someone to finish a business deal who is often near the place where my partner normally buys DVD’s. So I asked them to drop me, which they did, and you already can guess that the person I wanted to see was there and was available to discuss the things I wanted to discuss.

And again, normally if my partner is at that place, he wants to stay longer than me. But not today, as after one beer he said he wanted to go home as he was tired. And that was also where I wanted to go.

So by just looking up, closing my eyes, and trusting ‘The Universe’ (and not complaining to others) I got everything I wanted, including some spare time, as I came home and felt kind of sick, interpreting this that it was time to rest and re-plan my unfinished things for today. And again, it really was like it ‘came to me’, the thought it was enough for today, that it was time to be flexible and not stubborn, not stubbornly finish my things until deep in the night.

So amazing what happens, if you let go of the control, if you just leave things to God, to The Universe, and not complain so much anymore. As things then just come to you.

And yes, I remember now, that I got a strong message yesterday or so, that help is on the way. And today I wanted to force that, but something in me said that I just need to trust and wait, and not try to force it. As that just doesn’t work. Which doesn’t mean taking action is wrong or so, or not needed. But indeed, only inspired action seems to work and any uninspired action seems to be doomed to fail.

So yes, take action, but only if you feel like it, only if you feel inspired.

Laws of the Universe

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The things I found (again) in the chapter The Brain of Think and Grow Rich stay stuck in my mind, together with the things I encountered in the Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As somehow it seems you need to leave things to your (the?) Higher Power, somehow it seems you can’t do anything alone as a human being. Or just can’t do anything.

So then what is my purpose, comes up immediately. Or why am I suffering so much then. And what about my free will and my needs and wants?

So I am thinking about that Napoleon Hill puts a remark that the book is not about anything religious or God or something, but somehow it still seems to be, somehow the more and more I read it, the book is (also) about religion, about how it all came to be, how it all works. And he phrases it very nicely in the chapter The Brain: “all of us are controlled by forces which are unseen and intangible”. But somehow we have the power of Thought, of Creation through thought. And somehow something is listening to us and answering us. As I experimented with that today and somehow I had the feeling that my questions were answered by ‘something’ outside of myself.

And yes, I have been setting myself up for those things, as the last few days I had some encounters and meetings with my virtual cabinet. And somehow it seemed, it seems that you can summon others, can summon ‘things’. And I experienced that strongest in some Family Constellations meetings.

So today I strongly asked for help in a way passing it to the spiritual world, I think in a way as I never have done before. And the answer was very strong, that help was on the way, that there was more help on the way than I could have ever imagined. And something that I should be careful with what I have wished for, that there is some kind of danger in what I want, what I wanted, what I asked for.

But the general feeling was positive, that there is help on the way and that my suffering will be over soon.

So I am very curious what is going to happen next. And yes, this was the first time I really let go of wanting to control things, this was one of the few times I really left it to the Higher Power how to let things happen…

Defeated?

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Last Saturday I had an enormous fight with my partner. And it affected me a lot, so I decided to ‘hide’. And in the end I also decided not to write anymore, not here and not in my Dutch blog. And it rarely happens that I don’t write especially my English blog item here, so I guess I was pretty much affected with what happened, even though I am pretty stable again emotionally right now.

And as it was Saturday I decided to postpone my post writing to Sunday, as on Sunday I normally don’t write posts as it is my resting day. But also yesterday, Sunday, I didn’t write a post, as I just didn’t feel like it. As somehow I decided to stay most of the day in hiding, lying on a bed in one of our non-master bedrooms. And I felt kind of bad about all of this, although somehow one of my famous quotes of Napoleon Hill, “Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.”, confirmed that this bad fight, this bad day, had some benefit.

Or even a lot of benefit if I look back. As somehow one of the things that I felt I needed to do the last few days, weeks, was take some time to think, to meditate, to pause. So that’s what I actually did, kind of without knowing it, until in the end I realized that somehow one of my prayers, the thing I had in mind to do, the thing I felt needing to do, somehow had been given to me.

And next to this I started reading Think and Grow Rich again. Especially the chapter about The Brain. As I could not really remember what that chapter was about. And I knew that I did not really make a page about that Principle of Success in this site, only a placeholder as far as I remember. And I was amazed when I read that chapter again. As it read like I was reading it for the first time, as I didn’t remember anything that was written in that chapter, even though it appears to be some kind a copy of things like Infinite Intelligence and Sixth Sense. But it is not, at least that is the feeling I have right now.

And it was strange, continuing reading into the chapter The Sixth Sense, especially to find there, that the Sixth Sense only works when you are familiar in applying the other twelve principles. And also because especially recently I encounter more and more that which is bigger than us, than human beings, the Higher Power. And yesterday I tried to force it, force Infinite Intelligence or the Higher Power or God or whatever you call it, but that doesn’t work. Somehow it needs to come to you, somehow you have to give in and let go of your own will or ego or something.

So strange, how things come to me, even though I somehow feel very down on my way to success, to fame and riches. As that seems further than ever, or no, that’s not true. I just felt it further away recently. But somehow it isn’t somehow I am on the way, at least to something greater, to some greater purpose.