Tag Archives: Emotion

Self analysis, question 25

My desk I was just thinking I have a smartphone now so I can make photo’s, something I longed for for quite a while as before I regularly wrote posts where I would want to add photo’s about things I was writing about, like the view or the house or the surroundings or the water system. But since I have a camera (through this smartphone) I didn’t see any need for posting photo’s with any of the articles. Strange isn’t it? So even now I wouldn’t know what would be an appropriate photo for this article as I am still working my way through the self analysis questions, but who knows where this article goes, so maybe I’ll add something. And if not I am quite sure in the future there will be many occasions where I could add photo’s. Or maybe just make a photo of my desk right now?

And strange to see how technology evolves, as I installed Dropbox on my smartphone and allowed it to put photo’s I am making straight ‘in the cloud’. So while writing my photo’s are being copied from my smartphone to the internet to my computer, so they go a long way while the devices are just next to each other. And that makes me think about distance as recently I saw some shows on TV about the Universe. And the Universe is huge, meaning reaching anything even with the space of light is still very slow, where for humans the speed of light is unimaginably fast. So yes, in a way the distance my photo’s just traveled are very small compared to the size of the Universe, almost the same as the distance between my smartphone and my computer. Where to me the distance the photo’s traveled is enormous, as they probably traveled out of the country and back into the country, maybe even through the United States, which is fifteen thousand kilometers away.

Anyhow, that is not what I wanted to write about as I wanted to write about “Do you have a definite major purpose, and if so, what is it, and what plan have you for achieving it?”. And while reading this question I can straight away see a relation with the photo of my desk, as you may see that there are some photo’s around my desk that represent things I want to achieve. And on the window on the other side, the direction I am looking at, there are more photo’s and they are all related to my definite purpose or things I want to achieve.

So yes, I do have a definite major purpose and until now I decided to keep it to myself as I consider it something private, even though some friends may be able to guess what it is. And maybe you are able to guess what it is or could be as sometimes I make some statements about it in this site. And strange, as I always think I don’t have a plan how to achieve it, but somehow I have as there are things written in my definite purpose document I always relate to, so somehow my definite purpose is slowly being cut up in smaller peaces that are more easy to handle.

And funny, looking at the photo, as Iwa is sitting on the chair in front of them and she is the one I was thinking about when thinking about making photos with my smartphone and posting them in this site or my Dutch blog. So again, the subconscious mind or Infinite Intelligence seems to be at work here, tonight.

So what is my definite purpose about? Well, simple, about love, romantic love. And about sharing that in the world. And in order to achieve that I need money and fame. And I also found out that I just want to be rich, really rich and enjoy that. So somehow I also fitted that in. And somehow also things like giving are part of it, and being patient.

And yes, the strange thing is that since I started with that document, wrote the initial version and later refined it, somehow I am living it, somehow I am getting closer to my goals, to my definite purpose. And while writing this is that somehow Infinite Intelligence is helping me and answering one of my desires in my desire document. As one of my requests to Infinite Intelligence in that document is to help me with planning, as I consider planning one of my weaknesses.

So again, while writing this article I see my desire document unfold, come to life.

God is great! Thank you, Lord.

Guilt

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Yeah, guilt, that seems to be one of the major things bothering me. And I have been writing more about that, that for me guilt and responsibility are about the same, feel about the same. And slowly I start to see they are not the same. As I realized that e.g. Tony Fernandes is responsible for the recent plane crash with an AirAsia plane, but that that absolutely does not mean that he is guilty.

But then, still, where does responsibility end and where does being guilty start? And does making excuses mean that you have to change something or not? Is it only about acknowledging that you have done something wrong or not?

And I notice I am very tired and I just wrote a very long post in my Dutch blog, so I’m going to quite here now.

Sorry.

And the last is indeed meant and at the same time choosing to do something wrong. And it feels okay, so apparently it is okay to apologize and not correct the wrong.

Lost day?

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I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

Mindset

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My post from yesterday about my domain issue got a completely different turn this morning, or maybe this afternoon, as I was too scared to start my computer and open my e-mail the beginning of the day. And it confirmed that we are often ruled by our fear and not by reality. As I just found an apologetic e-mail in my mailbox that there were problems with this type of domain and that they were working on it and would solve it. And that apparently the support person I was chatting with yesterday didn’t know about this issue. So if I would just authorize the regular payment they would renew the domain with which the problem would be solved.

So I was actually very grateful for this event, as it explained a lot about my behavior and my fears and such about these type of events. And it taught me about responsibility, power, fear, guilt and more of these things. And the cost was zero, except of course my own emotional cost as I had not been as stressful as yesterday evening and this morning for a long time.

And I don’t feel like writing a lot right now, as it is pretty late and I also don’t have so much to tell, even though I learned a lot from this and would like to share more about what I learned.

So maybe think what was the main lesson. I think maybe something that we often live too much in the past, that I somehow relived and keep reliving some past event or events that turned out bad for me. And being human you tend to look for confirmation as far as I know. So I was just looking for confirmation for something bad to happen, for some bad turn. And not for reality, which was just a simple mistake that could easily be solved and probably is solved or about to be solved.

Have a nice day!

Fear

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Well, it seems the subject of today is fear, as I heard someone telling she was very scared, which made me decide to send a quote about fear today. Then I realized I was scared to start this post, as I didn’t know what to write. So of course that lead me to write something about fear.

So what is this fear about writing a post? Well, I guess about finding something inspiring to write, something that is useful to others. As in the end somehow that is what my writing, and I guess the writing of anybody else, is about. And behind that is the fear that I am not good enough, as my posts are often me complaining about something or just diary type quotes, which, according to ‘professional’ bloggers or other people are ‘not good enough’ as blog posts.

And blog posts need to have at least 2,000 words and be mixed with pictures and such and have good structure so they are ‘good’ reading material for readers. And of course they need to have some ‘message’ to the reader, some advice or something. And I often try to put something like that at the end of the post, but it is not the main thing in my mind writing. As I just write whatever comes into my mind. And my posts I think in general are something like 500 words or something. And often I start with some kind of subject and end up writing about something completely different, which I then ‘correct’ by putting a different ‘title tag’ as addition to WordPress title of the blog item.

So this is all ‘wrong’ and it reflect in the traffic to this website, also my blog. Ah, and I don’t follow the rules of building a community, so that is also ‘wrong’. As I think I don’t have a community, although I know some people who know me read my Dutch blog whom I could consider my ‘community’.

So all of this makes me think, as I know most bloggers started like me, just started something, just started writing. And also didn’t have any audience except maybe their mother or some other family member or family members or some friend or friends. So I guess I’m not doing that bad. I’m not that far off from what other bloggers do or how most or all successful bloggers started.

And no, I also think I wrote about that yesterday or the day before, my main goal with this blog is not to live from it, although it would be nice to also have some financial return from it. But the main reason for the financial return is even that it would make it more easy to do more for this blog as I wouldn’t worry so much about what to live from or what to spend my time on, as if I had more money coming in I could spend, or actually would spend more time on this site, this blog. I would even hire people to write for it, as much of the content about the Principles of Success and related pages are about subjects that other people could easily write, probably, or even surely better than I.

So while evaluating all this maybe I should, or better could, think a bit more how to make this work, how to make Inspiration for Success as I have it in mind. And one of the first ideas was to connect people who want to inspire other people connect to people who need (more) inspiration. And for that I need to build some more functionality in the site and the site would need to be more known, otherwise people wouldn’t know about it and wouldn’t be able to find each other.

So well, let’s plan a bit better, as that is a subject that is high on my priority list, as my daily planning recently ended up in blank pages, which doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything, on the contrary, but it means I kind of lost a rudder, I kind of lost direction.

Well, not a bad post after all I guess, as I started with the negative emotion of fear and I end being inspired a little more to get my planning a bit more in order.