Tag Archives: Attitude


I knew it might not be easy begin back home after my fantastic trip all over The Philippines, but I was not prepared for the setback I am experiencing now. And I am trying to get back to the state of mind I was in during my trip and that made me so happy and fulfilled, but until now I did not succeed in that really. On the contrary, it seems I feel worse and worse every day.

And I don’t want to write a negative post here, but somehow this morning, right now, I felt like writing here, sharing my thoughts, writing, hoping that would give me some solution or some peace of mind. Or what I actually wanted was going back to that state of mind I was during my travel, like what is and was the difference between now and then.

My location right now.
My location right now

As I did’t change and the Universe did not change, the world did not change, so what changed or what is different that puts me down so much?

And no, it is not all negative, as I am very happy to have a place to feel safe, the bedroom below, a similar place as the places I had during my travel. The house and everything around feels too big though, too much to handle. And yes, the money issues I have to(?!) deal with are not gone. The money issue was one of the things I put aside during my travel, as it made no sense to bring that with me.

So is that the answer? Put aside the things I cannot change right now, like my financial situation, which is still bad in terms of income? Yes, maybe, maybe that is something to explore further. And yes, I have been praying the Serenity Prayer a lot, but it doesn’t always seem to help, doesn’t always ease my mind. Or doing Step 3, letting go, leaving everything to God and The Universe.

And yes, miracles still happen, as when I started to listen after praying this morning, lying in my bed and knowing nothing else to do but pray, suddenly my phone started to make noises about new messages and someone called and asked if I would want to see her in the city. And yesterday I saw someone next to a black Pajero, my dream car, the car that is related to my wants and desires, and I started chatting with him and had a very nice conversation. It is just there are so many things to do, so many things I want to do, so many things that need to be done. And I don’t know how to do that, where to start, or how to even plan it. It is all just so overwhelming.

And I know I did all those things before, did many more things than I do now, did a million things more than I do now. And I just don’t know how to do that anymore. And yes, I know this has something to do with my codependent “do, do, do”, the urge to keep moving, to keep doing, to keep trying to change things, to keep trying to make things perfect. And yes, the writing now helps, as I know everything is already perfect. And I can’t do it all alone, it is not my job to do ‘everything’. I can just relax and do one thing at the time, no more, no less, like writing right now. And yes, still the urge to put links and make new pages. And add a photo, the photo I just made of my current workplace, so this page would be ranked higher by Google, as Google likes photos on pages. And yes, that last sentence triggers another urge, changing the theme of this site, as I noticed it does not show properly on my cellphone, on devices with a small screen width, as probably the social media button area is too wide, not made ‘adaptive’ yet. Ah, yes, and I need to change some other stuff around pictures, around photos, as sometimes photos are too wide for small screens and go outside of the content area.

And strange, as as a web developer I used to like those things. But it seems everything has already been done, everything is being done, and the world has become so efficient that it seems I, and probably you, are not needed anymore, unless is some kind of super efficient organization.

And I still like to do those things, but in the background the thought of needing to earn, needing to be more efficient, needing to find clients, clients who seem to expect everything to be cheap and perfect. But a good website, a good adaptive design, is still very expensive, time consuming, unless you use a standard (WordPress) theme. And I like making specific things, making perfect things, making custom made things, like an artist. As yes, programming and web development is an art, not just a job.

Arf right now.
Arf right now

So what to do next, or now? I need (want?) to feed the dogs and I want to finish this post (but I don’t feel like finishing it now). And I need (want?) to go to the city to make a payment. And yes, the answer is “do the next right thing”, but right now I don’t know what the next right thing is. Or maybe the next right thing is just relaxing, stopping, let the world just be the world, not trying so hard. Maybe just take a shower or do nothing or walk Arf, walk with Arf. Another obligation by the way, as I feel guilty not walking Arf enough, not training Arf enough, as he is still on a leash, something I don’t like. But I also don’t want YokYok and Arf to fight, so for now I don’t think there is much option letting him free so he can roam around by himself.

YokYok right now.

And while writing I did a lot of things, like making the photos, uploading the photos, which was not easy, as my android did not upload the photos to Dropbox yet; and did not send the e-mails with the photos I created. I also made coffee and chatted with some people. And I fed the dogs, and moved Arf, as it just started raining. And the last is maybe an answer to what to do or not to do next, as going down with this rain does not make much sense right now.

And this post feels a bit like finished now, but I still don’t know what to do next, how the rest of my day looks like. Yes, the “one day at the time” (or even “one minute at the time” or “one second or breath at the time”) is in my mind. It still doesn’t give me peace right now though. But then, I don’t have to like everything I accept, like my current feelings, so I can try to accept. So maybe the next right thing is just to wait a little, just do nothing, just typing a little here, even though I also want, need to eat and want, need to take a shower.

Body language

I know body language means something else, but I was thinking about listening to my body, so the language of my body telling me it, or I, am very tired (and should stop).

So what is this that I often go against my body language believing that is what successful people do, like ‘going the extra mile’ (against your own feeling) or doing those extra counts of physical exercise like real sports men do? Or don’t they.

As I also believe in Infinite Intelligence and that you should follow your feelings, as in the end your feelings are the only thing you have, and this is what I believe the Law of Attraction is all about.

So I guess it may be wrong what I have been thinking for a long, long time, that successful people go against their own feelings and that that is the reason why they are successful.

So let’s think about this a bit more, although feelings are also just feelings and ratio is another tool that has been given to man and could also be used.

Last thing of the day

Well, I guess this will be the last thing of my day. Or at least one of the last things. And as yesterday, I don’t really know what to write right now. Still in the middle of some relationship hick-ups, but that didn’t stop me from working on DoctorsConnect (as it might have before). So something has changed, even though I felt very bad today when I woke up (not so late) until I got up (quite a bit later). And I am still working on this site and write in my personal blog virtually every day, even though I was not able to keep my team motivated (inspired?) to really work on the site and the related project I have in mind.

And I still have no clue where this is all going, as (again) I don’t have any paying projects now, which is kind of awkward, but somehow Napoleon Hill‘s Think and Grow Rich has made given me more belief that some day my effort, my persistence, will pay off and that one day I will receive some benefit from everything that I have done. Still struggling with things like God or Infinite Intelligence as I still somehow consider it very unfair how unhappy I am related to the amount of effort I did and do.

But today I heard somewhere that there are still more than a billion people without clean (drinking) water and I know there are also many, many people without enough food. So in the end I guess it is all relative as I also understood that our helper and her husband may be happier in their relationship and life than I am, despite the fact that they earn less than USD 10.00 per day. So it’s certainly not all about money (but money helps).

So well, let’s see what 2015 has in mind for me. The start was not that bad, at least not in my feeling, as somehow my attitude, my outlook changed for the good over the last few years. And I think that’s a big gain.

Outwitting the devil

It was very strange what just happened to me. Somehow I ended up on the site Outwitting the Devil. And what happened after was something like the thing described in the document with ‘the last chapter’, the thing that happened to Napoleon Hill as described in this text. As somehow I felt I was guided to this site, this page, this document. And somehow it feels that it was no accident that it mainly reminded me of the virtual cabinet Napoleon Hill also describes in Think and Grow Rich. And it reminded me of the sessions with my private virtual cabinet a while ago. And it somehow made me believe I should continue with that, restart it. And while writing this I realize that I have felt very lonely lately, especially the last few weeks, as somehow the people who I was talking to (with?) for my Connect Mindanao project have not done so much recently, have not really contributed, have not done their part. So this felt like another project, another business that failed, where I failed to create a team to make it happen, where I failed again to generate some income for myself, some pleasure for myself. So maybe that is also why I was lead to Outwitting the Devil, as it talks about what to do, how to become happy.

And no, I don’t like what I read there and heard everywhere. As somehow it never worked for me, or somehow I didn’t do it or didn’t do it the right way.

So time for meditation right now, even though I still want to finish some things tonight. But maybe first stop.

Going to the moon

Today I discussed my draft presentation for the internet city project with someone, and yes, I compare my project with something like flying to the moon. As when John F. Kennedy set the goal of going to the moon there was no budget, no technical capability, not enough knowledge, no experience and not enough time (target ‘this decade’). But that didn’t stop us from going to the moon, on schedule. So the idea that grew slowly in my mind over the last two years or so may be similar to something like flying to the moon, read ‘impossible’, but with the right mindset I believe it can certainly be done.

And maybe I should study a bit more how he did it, how it was prepared, like similar to my project, it would probably be announced by the Mayor of Cagayan de Oro City and not by me, and it would probably be attached to him, not to me. So let’s try to figure out what was all behind that simple statement of intending to go to the moon by John F. Kennedy.

Well, found some background on the moon program on Wikipedia.