Tag Archives: Desire

Memories

I found some photo’s yesterday or so, photo’s of The Kranz, a Bed & Breakfast I visited long time ago. And I think I wrote about it earlier, but I’m not sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog. And the main photo is this one:

The Kranz terrace view. .

As somehow that is the view that lead me to The Malasag House. But while thinking, I have always liked ‘ends of the world’ and ‘highest points’, and while writing I guess many people do, although I think I have it a bit more than average.

And I still want The Malasag House to be a bit the same, full of guests, full of people, enjoying the beautiful view, the beautiful venue, meeting people or us, or not. But until now I didn’t really succeed and I still don’t know why. Or yes, I do, but I don’t know how to fix it, as it has to do with my relationship. And the weird thing is my partner is the one who is sociable, apparently caring for people. And he loves gardening and keeping the house in order, making the house nice, for guests. But somehow he doesn’t want paying guests, want people to pay, meaning we don’t have enough money, not even to maintain the place. And yes, of course I would also like, love to invite people for free, give them everything they want, everything they need, as we did before, when we still had money. But as of the moment we can’t, so why not find another way, why not just ask for some contribution? I’m quite sure people would be willing to help, willing to help to let The Malasag House shine. But somehow my partner doesn’t want to, is too embarrassed or something. And of course I need to honor that feeling, but in my feeling everybody loses, as now we can’t share the house, share a nice, beautifully maintained resort type house. A house worth sharing, a house worth keeping, a house worth maintaining. And I still didn’t find a way to deal with this except ‘work, work, work’, meaning everybody, including my partner, say and think, complain ‘he is always working’, which is true.

So this brought me back to my previous partner, the partner I was with when visiting The Kranz. And he always also experience me working. And complained about it. And yes, I also experience I’m kind of a workaholic. But I don’t know any other way to pay the bills. Except for something like indeed sharing the house in a paid Bed & Breakfast type of way. Or winning the lottery or something.

And I don’t know how other people do this, how they pay the bills. As until now I didn’t find another way.

And yes, I’m complaining again. But wouldn’t you if you couldn’t travel anymore, didn’t have a car anymore, couldn’t maintain the dogs, couldn’t have fun with your partner going out, especially if that were things that brought you together, kept you together in the beginning?

Well, wanted to share some other photo’s with a nicer story, like me with a Cheetah. And while starting this sentence I didn’t feel like it, but while writing I’ll just put that photo here, below.

Cheetah on lap. .

And that photo was taken on the same holiday, at the Tshukudu Game Lodge, I think the best place I ever visited on a holiday, and yes, also one of the most expensive, but it was worth it, more than. And I still remember the morning walk with lions and an elephant. And the cheetah on my lap as you can see on the photo. Very impressive and kind of scary, because I remember touching the tail of one of the lions that was with us, and it was a lion’s tail, certainly not a cat’s tail, a pet’s tail. And the cheetah was a young cheetah, and it scratched me, no not bad, but again, a predator’s touch, not the scratch of a cat or a dog.

And yes, I miss that life, I miss the life where we could basically do what we wanted, having enough money to travel, maintain the house and garden, go out, visit friends, invite friends. And I don’t know where it went or why it didn’t come back yet. As I know much more now, have much more life experience, know more how to get things and stuff. But somehow it didn’t happen yet, somehow I can’t find the inspiration, can’t find the inner strength to get there, again, and this time better, this time for real.

But yes, the last was and is what this site is all about, finding success, finding inspiration to success, inspiration for success. And persistent I am, but something is missing. And I still don’t know what. But I’ll get there, I have to find out, I have to be who I really am, I have to be who I really can be.

What about you?

Facebook

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I was just using Facebook and thinking what it means to me and what it means to others. And why it was Facebook that survived and not Hyves or Friendster or some other similar site. And while wanting to put the right links I see they are all gone, except Facebook. And I have still mixed thoughts about e.g. the success of Facebook. And of many other mass products and services. And there are many, as the more I think about it, the success of Ford or Maggi or Microsoft, or whatever product or service we use in our daily life, are all the same and it goes back much further than we think. And they all start with some idea and all make some people very rich as Napoleon Hill describes in Think and Grow Rich.

And all seem to go back to make a product or service available to the masses. And indeed, then the money would flow in faster than you would have ever imagined. But, no matter what Napoleon Hill states, you would need the masses to make someone, or a group of people, ‘filthy rich’. So in the end that type of success cannot be for everybody. As you can only have one Facebook or Google or Microsoft, even though the monopoly of Microsoft in operating systems is starting to fade. And you can have only so many car brands or soft drink brands.

And no, with my own experience and what I now know about achieving that type of success, I don’t believe all those brands became large by ‘accident’. There must have been some deliberate action, or maybe better stated in the words of Abraham Hicks, deliberate creation. There must have been some sort of planning and persistence.

But yes, there must have also been some kind of ‘break’ for the person or people who wanted something. As I am starting to apply many of the Principles of Success, but I’m not there yet. And I think I am doing more than my share, even though sometimes, or even often, I’m just stuck and not moving, not working.

Well, time will tell if the Principles of Success really work, or the way I apply them, try to live them. And that reminds me that one of the goals of this site is to be a real life, real time story of someone on the way to success using the Principles of Success as described by Napoleon Hill.

So this is still the struggle you see as also described in the book. Although while writing this right now I am also starting to see the opportunities. And I’m trying to use them right now, where before I would not even have recognized them.

So yes, especially the last few weeks I am really starting to believe that success is possible, if you are willing to go the road, also for me.

What about you?

On the way to leadership

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Napoleon Bonaparte Strange, I am getting more and more the feeling that I am on the way to leadership. And the main reason is that in the back of my mind I often hear Napoleon Hill say “a leader must plan the work and work his plan”. And that is what I have been doing lately, also today. As today was a very strange day, as part of the day there was no electricity, kind of unexpected and longer than I thought. But I also knew I was going to finish the things on my to do list, the things I planned, and I was going to write my posts, no matter what. Although of course if the electricity wouldn’t have come back I might have decided not to finish my list, my plan.

And no, I’m not happy. As my dream, the thing I stated as my definite purpose, has not become reality yet. It somehow even feels further away than the last year or so. But I feel much stronger, much more self confident, self confidence I never felt before like this. And yes, knowing what I want, having decided what I want in life and having written that down makes life easier. As I don’t have to think anymore about what I want. As it won’t change. And somehow, no matter whether I feel closer to it or further away, that makes life much easier.

And of course I have doubts, of course I doubt. I’m still human. But whenever I doubt, I ask myself something like what else I would want. Or whether I am still willing to give what I stated in my desire document. And until now the answer has always been, no, I don’t want anything else. This is what I want. And yes, I am still willing to give what I stated I wanted to give.

And no, it’s not easy. As my desire, the thing that I want, is very, very big. And still kind of impossible. But those questions, and the answers, the answers written in my desire document, still keep me going, give me peace, give me strength.

And I started this post with something like becoming a leader. And recently I really feel like becoming a leader. As e.g. I notice how few leaders there really are. And how much leadership is needed, how many people need a leader. And I feel humble, scared sometimes. As I never had a good leader to follow, except maybe Napoleon Hill. So I guess I follow him, his ideas, the ideas he wrote down, the ideas that he states are the combination of the ideas of many leaders, many successful people.

So yes, maybe I am becoming a good follower also, meaning I may also become a good leader.

Thank you Lord!

Lessons in love

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“All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them; could be better, should be better; lessons in love“. That was the song I just played. And I don’t know exactly why. I just like the song, the melody and never really thought about the text.

And while playing it, as my partner left around a week ago very angry and didn’t come back yet, I was wondering, am still wondering what it is that makes love, especially love in a love type relationship, so hard, at least to me, and obviously to my partner. But I know that I’m not the only one, as most relationships I know a bit more about, like the relationship of my parents, are not that easy and certainly mostly not ‘loving’.

And I thought a lot about what is happening with me, with me and my partner, with my relationship. And I can’t figure out what to do different to make it better, to make it a joyful, loving and powerful relationship. And yes, somehow I know I am pleasing my partner too much. But how can you please someone ‘too much’, especially if it is your partner, the person who is closest to you, the person you want to share your life with, the person you want to build a life together with, the person you have built a life together with.

And it feels like it’s all about my partner, that he is ‘wrong’. But observing him and listening to him he must feel the same way, as he always tells me I am wrong. So are we feeling and thinking the same, just blaming each other? And where are the good times, the times when we just met, the years after, the years we were building?

And they say you can only change yourself. But, and I wrote about that before I guess, ‘I have to change’ implies something like I’m not good enough. And again, that is the same I think about my partner, as I want him to change, so somehow I’m implying he’s not good enough.

But wait, that’s not true. I love my partner how he is, for who he is. Or not, as I’m not happy? And what is it exactly what I want? Yeah, well, have a relationship as I always had it in mind, like the sexual thing, the hugging and kissing and the warmth of holding each other at night. And the sex of course, like a few times a week, or per month if I’m not in the mood. And building something together, a house, a household, travel together, have holidays together. And I thought that’s also what he wanted, but looking back of course I never really asked him that. But we did those things together. And it was not all perfect, but we did. And we even started a business together. But then things started to go ‘wrong’, in business. And then the money was gone and we couldn’t move anymore. And then he withdrew from everything, blaming me for everything that went wrong.

And I guess I was to blame, I was responsible, especially when looking back, now, I realize more of that, of my mistakes and my responsibility in what went wrong. But I still don’t understand why I need to take all the blame. And I don’t understand why he stopped helping, supporting, finding ways, finding money, finding customers. Or maybe I do, knowing him, his character a bit more now.

So yes, maybe that is the answer, that I need to take charge, that I need to do ‘everything’. As he just can’t, just can’t seem to handle all of this, all that went wrong the last few years business wise, money wise. And even for me it was hard, it still is hard. But somehow I will keep moving, no matter what. And so maybe somehow he can’t.

But not easy, as I need so much his love, his sex. That would make things, make life so much easier for me (and for the both of us I think). But somehow he can’t, it seems, it must be.

And giving up, leaving? No, that’s no option. As I still believe in lifetime relationship in “until death do us part”, no matter what. As we both deserve a happy love and sex life, a happy relationship.

What about you?

Setback

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I feel like I’m in a bit of setback. Yes, my life has been continuously improving since my deepest down about one and a half year ago. And yes, I have learned new skills like planning and decision making and discipline. But I still don’t feel inspired, I still don’t feel passion. I’m just leading my life and everything seems to be grey. And yes, I guess I mentioned it before, it still feels that ‘life’ has beaten every (self) inspiration, every passion out of me. Too many things have happened that didn’t work out. Too many things that feel so natural to me didn’t come true, I was not able to achieve. And yes, in the end that all boils down to relationship and sex, to be with another person. As that has always been my biggest dream, that has always been the thing I wanted most. But the only problem seems to be that you need another person for that to happen. And yes, I had two relationships, or actually I am still in one, so I still have a relationship. But somehow my desire, my need seems to stand in the way to happy and fulfilling relationship for me and my partner. At least that is my perception right now. And it reminds me of the definite purpose of my mam as she wanted to have children. And her focus is on children, on her children, always. So maybe there are answers there, as I am one of those children, so I know what it is if someone has put his or her definite purpose on someone else. As my focus is on my partner, possibly in a similar way.

But no, I don’t feel like continuing this now. I have to stop, I have to do something else. It’s just too late and I don’t feel like writing a large, complicated post right now. So I’ll stop now and finish this later.