Tag Archives: Feeling

Lost day?

I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

Tired and enough

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It is pretty late again and my English post, so this one, is the only thing left to do, the only thing left on my to-do list for today, a list that basically was empty, although I think today was important. And I just realize it is not the last thing left to do, as I still didn’t have my daily meeting with my virtual private cabinet. And that meeting has become a problem lately, as often I was just too tired to make it into a useful meeting. And maybe that has to do with that my planning has kind of gone down the drain. And that has to do with the fact that I am starting to believe that I am not in control, that we are not in control of our lives, no matter what many successful people and self help books try to make us believe.

And this is kind of contrary with the ideas of Napoleon Hill, which I believe say something that if you keep trying you can achieve anything you want. And somehow that is true, but there is something more, something you can’t control.

So still struggling what is this secret that makes you happier, that makes life easier.

Mindset

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My post from yesterday about my domain issue got a completely different turn this morning, or maybe this afternoon, as I was too scared to start my computer and open my e-mail the beginning of the day. And it confirmed that we are often ruled by our fear and not by reality. As I just found an apologetic e-mail in my mailbox that there were problems with this type of domain and that they were working on it and would solve it. And that apparently the support person I was chatting with yesterday didn’t know about this issue. So if I would just authorize the regular payment they would renew the domain with which the problem would be solved.

So I was actually very grateful for this event, as it explained a lot about my behavior and my fears and such about these type of events. And it taught me about responsibility, power, fear, guilt and more of these things. And the cost was zero, except of course my own emotional cost as I had not been as stressful as yesterday evening and this morning for a long time.

And I don’t feel like writing a lot right now, as it is pretty late and I also don’t have so much to tell, even though I learned a lot from this and would like to share more about what I learned.

So maybe think what was the main lesson. I think maybe something that we often live too much in the past, that I somehow relived and keep reliving some past event or events that turned out bad for me. And being human you tend to look for confirmation as far as I know. So I was just looking for confirmation for something bad to happen, for some bad turn. And not for reality, which was just a simple mistake that could easily be solved and probably is solved or about to be solved.

Have a nice day!

End okay, all okay

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I was just thinking what to write and actually I don’t want to spend much time as it is late already, as usual, but then I realized that the end of my day actually is pretty okay, as I started the day very stressed and right now I feel kind of relaxed, except that it is pretty late and I still didn’t finish all my daily things yet.

So looking back this morning I was completely in panic as I had planned to deal with the injury of one of our dogs, but everything I tried at first didn’t work. As yesterday I asked a friend if he would be willing to bring us to a vet and I thought he would do so. But this morning he said he couldn’t manage it. Then I called another friend who didn’t answer the phone. And another one who said she was not nearby and neither was anyone else from her family. And my partner was also not helping as he presumed I could manage it myself, should manage it myself, which of course I could and can, but these kind of things are really annoying to me and can really bring me down emotionally. And I guess hardly anybody would understand, but the good thing I think was that this time I was able to speak out how these type of things work for me, which I normally don’t do. So one of the first good things, as per one of the most famous quotes of Napoleon Hill. In the mean time one of my friends suggested that I could just ask the vet to do a house call, which I had also thought about already of course. But in the state of mind I was in the last few days about this dog issue that just seemed very difficult to achieve, like finding the phone number and calling. But yes, I did try to call the vet, but in the mean time it was lunch time and he didn’t answer the phone. So I was in panic again, as I still hadn’t arranged anything and the dog issue was on my daily to-do list, which put a lot of pressure on me.

Then finally I realized that the other two dogs also have some issues that need to be checked and that it doesn’t make sense to arrange a taxi to save cost by going to the vet instead of the other way around. So at that moment I kind of realized, and decided, that it would indeed be best to ask the vet to come over and not go there. And I realized it was already late, so he may not be able to make it today, which would violate my habit of doing everything on my to-do list. But I also need to be flexible and practical, so I decided to surrender and just see what would happen without too much control from my side.

So then, after lunch, I just called the vet, who indeed indicated that this afternoon would not work for him, but tomorrow morning would be okay. And, with everything that happened before, I decided to just give in, just follow what The Universe apparently had in mind for me (and the dog(s))., which released a lot of pressure.

Then, in the mean time, I had found out that one of my computers had stopped again. So I decided to start a disk check and do something else in between,only to find out that the computer stayed offline much longer than I anticipated. And to find out that it had started again, but still had an issue, something that also took a while for me to realize. So until the end of the afternoon I hadn’t done much, except going from very stressful to a bit more relaxed. But no work done, no progress on DoctorsConnect, something that was a bit over due and also something I just was eager to do.

But finally I managed to get everything running again, even though not properly checked, and this evening I made some pretty progress with DoctorsConnect. And in the mean time I had also fixed some things in the house that were long overdue, as I had too much time as my main development server was not available and the spare one not properly installed and working either.

So looking back this day was actually pretty okay as I started very, very stressed only to find out that right now I am pretty relaxed and on schedule, where I made some important progress in communication with my partner and some things in the house fixed.

So not bad,eh?

Responsibility, guilt, forgiveness?

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I am still searching for more clarity on responsibility, guilt and forgiveness. And maybe this mornings event where I found out one of our dogs had a bad cut in his mouth was intended to clarify this a bit more, but believe me, I didn’t like the event and I am still upset as I decided to postpone any action as it was just too much dealing with it. And there were many thoughts in my mind, including an “I can’t”, a phrase my mam often uses, a phrase I hate, as it is just not true, at least not literally.

But basically this morning I decided something like “I can’t” towards this issue with our dog, even though I forced it into an “I don’t want to”. And it was a hard decision as I felt responsible and my “I don’t want to” made me feel guilty (towards the dog?).

And a lot of things are going through my mind, as apparently I know the difference between responsibility and guilt. And it also comes to my mind that there is a difference between feeling responsible and being responsible. And right now the question “who decides” comes in my mind. And it seems there is a whole grey area around this, so apparently in the end it is just opinion if responsibility or guilt is applicable. And everything seems to point to me, as the dog is basically okay and the main issue is that I hate things like this for various reasons. And the main reason is that I don’t like injuries and handicaps. So in this case I can’t stand that the dog would have a distorted lip for the rest of his life. And the strange thing is the dog doesn’t seem to mind, so I am the only one who minds. And maybe my partner, but he isn’t here.

Ah, and there is the issue of insecurity, as I am not a vet or a doctor, so I wouldn’t know how bad the injury is and how and how much it would heal by itself.

So well, let’s make some statements:

The dog decided to fight, so he is responsible for having the injury in the first place (if he indeed got it through the fight I think he got it through).
I decide to have the dog, so if the dog is injured, I am kind of obliged to help him (as he can’t do it himself). This is a tricky one though, as in nature there wouldn’t be something like a human responsible for treatment.
My guilt is mainly related to the fact that I don’t earn enough. This means I don’t have a car, so today it was just too much hassle to get the dog to the vet.
My guilt is also related that I don’t have friends, so I have no one to ask to help me with this, like asking someone to bring me to the vet.
As I don’t earn enough, the dogs are basically too expensive for me (us?), so they would be better off with someone else (yes, there is also a whole world behind this statement).
The thing will probably not go away by itself as I don’t believe the injury will heal properly without being stitched by a vet.
I don’t think the whole thing is very urgent as the dog acts and looks okay, even though the would may not heal by itself.
Despite the last I still felt very guilty for not doing something straight away, but I think that has to do with the fact that I have to do something anyhow, so better do it now.

And right now it is very late and this whole thing is much more complicated (and interesting) than I thought, so I’ll stop now and pick it up later, either in this post or in another.