Tag Archives: Life


So I got this life. And I don’t feel happy. And they say I can make a new start any day, any moment, and of course that is true.

However, I have a lot of things around me, have ‘history’, have things I feel responsible for, have things I want or maybe need to solve, so somehow it is true I can start anew, make a new start, but somehow also not.

And I am thinking a lot if I am codependent to my dogs, as often I ‘use’ the dogs to do things or not to do things. Somehow they prevent me from starting a new life elsewhere, as I feel responsible for them, feel connected to them, don’t want to leave them behind, as I think they would be less off without me than with me. And recently I just don’t know if that is really true, as they may just be happy with someone else or somewhere else. And I can’t even take care of them properly, as I don’t have the funds to buy proper medicines or even things like vitamins or proper vaccination. But yes, somehow they like me, somehow they are connected to me, somehow I am their (pack) leader. And for them that seems even better than having proper food or vitamins or medicines, the being with me.

Then I have this house, live in this house, that I love very much and that is also my home. But it is too expensive, I can’t properly maintain it, pay the mortgage, pay the property taxes and things like that. And of course it makes sense to sell it, just leave and find something else, find somewhere else to stay. But I don’t have any idea where to go or what would be a better place to stay than here in The Malasag House.

And somehow in the end it seems all to boil down to ‘money‘, and I have no clue why, or more like why I have not been able to find a way to receive enough money to do the things I want or need or think I need. And I use the word ‘receive’ intentionally, as I know now having money is not really about ‘earning’, something I always believed, something I grew up with, that money needs to be earned. And ‘earning’ means working hard, or maybe working long and hard. And yes, money can be earned by working long and hard, as I used to work long and hard, and indeed that ‘earned’ me quite some money. But somewhere on the way something changed, or something went wrong, as I kept working hard, but slowly I lost everything, even though part of that is due to simply overspending, simply spending more money than was available or came in.

And that brings me to another part of my ‘history’, as I am in debt, I have quite a big debt I have no clue how to pay back, as my income is not even enough to pay the interest on that debt, even though Is started reserving 10% of my earnings for debt payment, which I think was and is a good thing, a clever thing, as it gave me some of my self worth back, just working on paying that debt. But the last few months I hardly earned anything and used my emergency fund, a fund I started a few months ago by saving 10% of my earnings also there.

And of course I could just leave everything behind and just start somewhere new, but somehow that is theory and in practice I think very hard to achieve or do.

And yes, I know somehow my history, my past experiences block me from doing things, trying things, like I believe that I can never work again in a nine to five job, or basically I just don’t want to. But somehow that may be the beginning of something new and I might even like it, but my previous experiences make me believe now that I am not good in working nine to five jobs, working for a ‘boss’.

And yes, I know I am good at many things, have many talents and a lot of experience with many things, like web development, computer and network installation, even more advanced things and dog training.

But it is all pretty specialized knowledge and experience I have and it has proven not being easy to find people or companies needing that. And yes, I know about marketing, internet marketing, advertising, and have been even quite successful with some of it, but somehow I can’t seem to market myself, my service, my knowledge, my experience.

Like I have a lot of knowledge with setting up and maintaining a Microsoft Windows server network with replication, so I hardly ever lose any data as I have everything copied automatically to ‘the other’ location. Like last weekend one of my main servers had a big accident, and yes, it took and is taking me quite some effort to get everything back as I want to, but I did not really spend a lot of time and effort on it.

And I have been learning a lot about dogs and dog training the last half year since I started doing a similar thing as Cesar Millan does, so I would call myself an expert on some of that, even though I still have a lot to learn. But I am sure that I can help a lot of people dealing better with their dogs, and I did, but somehow the flow of clients dried up, even though I did some effort with advertising again recently.

Ah, so I am back to kind of diary type writing here. Not sure if that works, but then again, it is just me. And I would love to improve this article, this blog post, but maybe I won’t, maybe I will just keep on writing, making new blog posts.

Like in this article I want to add some photos and links, but I don’t feel like it right now and yes, I also tend to just post the article, even though it is not fully finished.

So I will do so now, and see what happens after.

Tradition eleven

“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven”  and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

  • Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
  • The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
  • As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
  • Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
  • Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
  • My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
  • Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.

Baby steps

For quite a while I wanted to post again here, work on Inspiration for Success. But I just didn’t feel like it, couldn’t put myself to it. And that has been the case with many, many things. And I am still not fully sure how it all happened, but the patterns that created my life appear to be very, very deep and strong and not easy to change. And I am not  fully sure if this time I found something that can really help to change my life, improve my life, but the program of Codependents Anonymous at least has me made more aware of what is going on in my life. And made more clear what is my part and what is not. And what is my job and what is not. And somehow it is an extension of the ideas of Napoleon Hill, like e.g. the Twelve Step program mentions Higher Power where Napoleon Hill uses a similar concept and calls it Infinite Intelligence.

And it seems that without surrendering to this Higher Being nothing moves, nothing can be done. And also the ideas of Esther Hicks and ideas of many people and cultures and religious concepts seem to support, believe, that nothing can be done without God as humans understand God.

And I am struggling right now as I don’t feel like surrendering to a Higher Power, the steps 2 and 3 in Twelve Steps programs. But somehow it seems to be the only option as I can’t do it alone, can’t do it myself, whatever I am trying to achieve. And of course I can do things myself, like I created this site. But I can’t make it come alive like making people participating in building it, creating it. And I can’t make people read the stuff or use the tools I created. And I tried to force it as you can find in the site, but apparently that didn’t work. So somehow it needs the blessing and support of a Higher Power, like maybe anything we do needs.

So why did I call this post “Baby steps”? Well, it is one of the things of the Coda program, like when you are fully drained and exhausted you can just do some very little thing, just to get going. Also a concept I found in many places and you can even find it it this site. So this baby step is just creating a small post to let myself and you know that Inspiration for Success is still alive, that I didn’t forget it and still persist in making it work. But I know now I can only do that with the blessing and support of my Higher Power; and/or Infinite Intelligence or whatever name you have for that what is bigger than us, humans.

Fake it

I still don’t feel like writing here anymore, so what was in my mind today was what to do with that. And the answer ‘fake it’ came to me, although of course that is not a solution in the end.

And the ‘fake it’ I encountered at least two times, once when I read or heard about a priest who did not believe anymore in God. And he was advised to just ‘fake it’ (in order to keep his job etc.).

And I also heard it in a movie. Forgot the name, but it was a spy movie with Al Pacino as one of the main characters.

Anyhow, I can’t keep faking it, so I have to find some kind of solution to keep writing here.

And the best thing is to achieve success, as that is what the site is all about in the end.

Self analysis, question 50

Today’s question often makes me guilty, especially lately, as I believe I don’t spend enough time on work, on earning money. But maybe I’m too hard on myself as I also consider a hard worker and someone who doesn’t give up.

So let’s answer the question

“How much time out of every 24 hours do you devote to:

  • your occupation
  • sleep
  • play and relaxation
  • acquiring useful knowledge
  • plain waste?

And the first one I am most scared about as I did not spend a lot of time on ‘real work’ lately, like internet marketing or finding customers for my business. But I have spent a lot of time on meeting people and moving around to get my DoctorsConnect project going. And what makes me believe I don’t spend time on my occupation is that I often have to travel and wait a lot in order to meet the people I want to meet and that time doesn’t feel like ‘work’. But of course it is part of ‘work’, even though it also involves time in e.g. bars and also enjoying time meeting people (for pleasure).

So if I look at it, I may indeed spend only something like 4 hours per day on ‘work’, on occupation. But if you count all the work related to also my project and sales and promotion I guess it is closer to ten or maybe even twelve hours a day. And that often feels like too much, meaning I don’t have a lot of time left for play and relaxation.

Related to sleep I guess in general I sleep eight to ten hours per day, even though lately it is often less than that, maybe something like seven hours. Main issue here is that I often can’t sleep and often end up wasting my time on ‘tablet use’ after going to bed.

Time spent on play and relaxation is maybe one or two hours a day, although most of that may even be counted as ‘plain waste’ as I often just watch TV or keep browsing Facebook and Google and such. Main issue here is that I kind of lost the feel about ‘play and relaxation’ as I have been so focused on earning most of my life, also because for most play and relaxation one needs money, that I can’t imagine anymore how to play and relax. Ah, and the main reason I guess is that relaxing for me means traveling or meeting friends. And I don’t have money for travel and I still don’t seem to have friends, people who want to be with me.

Yeah, what about acquiring useful knowledge? I don’t spend a lot of time on that as I believe I know most of what I want to know. Still, I guess somehow I do acquire useful knowledge on the way as I search a lot of things in Google and such. Time spent on acquiring useful knowledge per day? I guess one hour or less.

And then plain waste. I guess I spend something like four hours a day on plain waste, just doing nothing. And the main thing here is I don’t have focus, I don’t know where to put my energy to be successful or reach my goals. So often I just don’t know what to do. And this is I guess my major problem on my way to success, on doing what I want, on achieving what I want. That I just don’t know how and that my history has proven that things just don’t work, at least not the things I know. So does this mean that I need to spend more time on getting to know more about achieving success? But I already have the feeling I spent a lot of time on that, including building this whole site with related research and reading ‘success’ and ‘self help’ stuff. So that is not the way.

Anyhow, let’s see how the above adds up:

Occupation: 10 hours
Sleep: 8 hours
Play and relaxation: 1-2 hours
Acquiring useful knowledge: 1 hour
Plain waste: 4 hours

Total estimate based on my feeling: 24-25 hours. Wow, didn’t expect that to add up to something like 24 hours, so I may know more about myself than I thought and/or am better at estimating time than I thought.