Tag Archives: Receiving

Before now

For the last one and a half year or so I have been kind of living from day to day, something like living one day at the time. And I never fully understood what that meant, never really did that before, but yes, it is a way to get through anything. And yes, I had my happy moments, maybe even happier than ever before, but somehow it’s not satisfying, this ‘day-by-day’ living thing. Somehow a human being, or at least me and I guess most or many other people, wants to look forward, achieve something ‘in the future’. And that’s what I remember, what I want back, ‘my good life’, the life I had before when everything was still ‘normal’, when I grew up in kind of a normal family, when I studied and finished my study, when I found a job, when I traveled and saw the world, and even when I moved here, to The Philippines, to this beautiful house.

So somehow I’m not living ‘day-by-day’, but also living in the past. As I want those things back. As I remember the good things. And yes, there were the good things, especially the travel, the money that made it possible, the partner I was with, the house I lived in, so basiclally my ‘normal life’ with work, evenings, weekends and holidays.

Past

And yes, there were downs, very deep downs, but somehow not so long downs, although I’m starting to doubt that while I’m writing this. I grew up very lonely, partly because it’s my character, but also partly because I’m gay and neither was able to find partners nor role models until I was like in my twenties. And during my study I ended up with a psychologist and was about to kill myself as I felt so unhappy with everything. It also took me quite a while to find a job after I finished study, so that period was also not very smooth. And then I found my first job and things started to go better, as then I also found my first partner. And that’s also the time I remember, the time I miss. But the weird thing is that indeed that time was ok for me, but there were still very important things not really OK. As my partner and me had some big issue that I still can’t fully understand. And most of the time I had problems at work and was scared losing my job, which also actually happened a few times.

So then, about ten years ago I had a deep down, the deepest of my life ever I think, although I’m not fully sure now. I lost my partner, lost my job and couldn’t afford my house anymore, so also lost my house. And yes, when my partner left me, I again considered committing suicide, like I did when I was in my early twenties.

But somehow when I lost my job for the first time, in a very bad way, I was able to find a new job, against all odds. And even quite quickly. And yes, it had everything to do with persistence and desire, with the Principles of Success as Napoleon Hill describes them.

And after losing my first partner, after my first partner left me, I found a new partner very quickly in a similar manner I had found a new job after losing my first job.

Next past

And then weird things began to happen. As the start of my second relationship was very good, even though looking back it may have been way too soon. And the start of our business was also very good. And moving to The Malasag House felt also very good, although it was kind of risky, but it was exciting.

The Malasag House as it must be.

And then slowly the whole thing started falling apart, and I still don’t fully get why, although maybe it’s indeed about my learning process in this life, the “The Other and I” thing. But still, I’m not happy about it and it took away my joy, the fun in my life.

And then about one and a half year ago, the middle of 2012, my second partner left me and my whole life fell apart in a similar way as ten years before. And again I didn’t want to live anymore, wanted to commit suicide, felt fully alone in a strange country without family, without friend, without a job, basically without and income, so nothing to live for anymore and nowhere to go. And yes, this was the deepest, the lowest point in my life, not the first time when my partner left, when my life fell apart. No, the second time was much worse, as I had lost all hope, all courage, just lived from day to day.

Future

And then something changed. And that was also basically the start of Inspiration for Success, of this website. And of my current life, a new life, a somehow different life. And I’m not there yet, just read my posts, that are often based on the problems, the practical problems I encounter, like money and earning. But yes, while writing this I realize something has changed. And it has indeed to do with desire, with a decision, with a purpose, even though I often don’t see and feel it anymore. And yes, somehow it is based in the Principles of Success of Napoleon Hill. But there is more, although what’s in my mind now is also there and it’s called Infinite Intelligence. And it’s something also like ‘letting it happen’, ‘letting it be’. Don’t know how to explain that right now.

Now

And writing this post is starting to become strange, empowering to myself. As I see how far I have come since the events that started around one and a half year ago. And I still feel down, and I’m not there yet. But somehow now, while writing this, I’m starting to feel stronger. And yes, the last weeks, the last months things started to improve, basically without my conscious effort.

And I’m a bit in doubt what to tell you know, as some things are very private. But I want you to know that the whole thing started with a decision, a decision to achieve the impossible, a decision founded in a very deep desire. But it also started with someone giving me a book, the book Think and Grow Rich. And it started with following my feelings, following my Inner Being, somehow.

And just now, right now, I’m starting to believe again that I’m very close, very close to what I really want, very close to real happiness, the happiness that I and everybody else so much longs for and deserves.

You’re doing it wrong

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I’m not sure what’s going wrong, what I do or don’t do or whatever.

Just five minutes ago someone said to me I did it wrong. And I know he was worried. But it hurt a lot and it still hurts a lot.

And fifteen minutes earlier someone else also told me I did something wrong. And that I ‘should’ do it differently.

And is seems this has been going on all my life, that I did things ‘wrong’ and ‘should’ do things.

So what is this. Am I doing the same to others? Am I somehow evoking these things for others?

And yes, it seems this all goes back to something like self confidence, which apparently I don’t have or at least don’t show.

And I guess it’s all meant well.

But it hurts. So let’s be careful what we say to each other and how we say it. Nobody has the right to judge that what we are doing is wrong. Or tell us that we ‘should’ do something.

Am very interested if you have similar experiences or have a different opinion about this.

Basic needs

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Today I couldn’t really get going and I couldn’t really figure out why, as actually things are getting better, at least business wise. I got some new requests and some small orders. And while thinking, kind of roaming around restless, lying down again, reading a ‘day’ from the 30 day program of Abraham Hicks I realized that my main issue is that my basic needs are not met, I mean the basic needs according to Maslov’s hiearchy o f needs, like food and water, which I thought was the lowest level. And I thought the second was sex, but according to the image I just found it’s a bit different than I thought.

Maslov's hierarchy of needs.

And reading a bit further I see the model is also disputed, which of course is kind of logical, as it’s just a scientific hypothesis. Some more information can be found on Fundamental Human Needs.

So while writing I realize there are many theories around, so maybe let’s just analyze my personal needs and the feelings around it. And what’s the result. And preferably of course some kind of a solution, as I don’t feel OK, I don’t feel happy and that’s been going on for quite a while, looking back even most of my life.

So let’s think, what’s bothering me most. I guess what’s bothering me most is that I depend on others for many of my needs where I can’t find ways to make others fulfill those needs.

And the most frustrating thing behind that is that I have been trying all my life to fulfill the needs of others while I can’t even find ways to fulfill my own needs. And somehow this all goes back to something like my belief of lacking something like ‘people skills’. As that’s what people have been telling me all my life and that’s what I’ve been experiencing all my life. And the biggest issue with that is that i don’t have a way out, don’t see a way out. Because those ‘people skills’ you either have or you don’t. And I’ve been trying to fake them all my life, trying to ‘do what is right’ towards people in order to meet ‘the worlds needs’ as that’s what seems to be required to get what you want, fulfill your needs. And until now I didn’t manage, things even got worse, slowly but surely. And there comes in some other belief, something else what people say, and that’s that I need to ‘change’.

And rationally this all doesn’t make sense. And somehow I think this all is also the tragedy of being human, of human life.

But somehow I still believe there must be some way out, there must be a way to live a happy, fulfilling life where I am happy and where my environment is happy with me and I am happy with my environment.

And I know I’m not the only one, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many ‘self help sites’, ‘self help books’, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc., etc.

And otherwise this site, this project wouldn’t even exist. But my main issue is still that I’m not happy, that I’m not successful, that even somehow still fall deeper down, although somehow something seems to have changed recently, somehow there has been some ‘shift in energy’. But not enough and right now I still feel bad. And I still don’t see a way out.

And according to my team and according to all those ‘self help guru’s’ and movies and documentaries and books I need to come with some solution here, otherwise my article is incomplete, otherwise this site, this blog won’t be successful. And I guess from a readers point of view they are right. Or not? Wouldn’t there be a crowd who would still like to read my stuff, my complaints, my problems, my philosophical thoughts, etc., etc.

And I don’t want Inspiration for Success to be just another self help site. So yes, I guess somehow I have to go my own way, somehow I have to keep writing my own style, my own stuff. As apparently all those other sites and books and whatever also don’t have all the answers.

Yes, reading those articles and the advice is useful and often makes you, makes me feel better. But the more I read this stuff I’m starting to believe that in the end the only purpose of those sites, of those books of those e-mails I get every day are only a way to keep me, to keep you ‘hooked’.

And of course that’s also what I’m doing, what I want. Of course I also want you to read my stuff, and keep reading, and in the end preferably giving something back. But over time indeed, I realized more and more that basically I want to give, not receive. Except indeed the Universe doesn’t work that way. Somehow there needs to be balance. And somehow that’s what I feel, that’s what you may feel. That there is something out of balance, that the give and receive process is out of balance.

So let’s try to balance it.

Flow again

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Very weird what is happening lately and especially today. Somehow things are starting to flow again, not that empty feeling of ‘nothing is coming back’, not that feeling that I’m only giving, that only things are going out, energy is going out, but more the opposite, that things are coming in, that energy is coming in.

And the weird thing is that i didn’t ‘do’ anything. It just somehow happened and it is kind of following some more positive stuff that started a few days, or maybe weeks ago. So if this is supposed to be an inspiring post I’m not sure what to tell you you should ‘do’, how you would be able to change your energy when you’re in some kind of downturn.

Or maybe just indeed tell you that those things don’t last forever and that you don’t have as much control as you think you have or think you should have. So that sometimes, or maybe just always, it’s better to let things be, let thing go as they are going.

And somehow I’m not saying like you shouldn’t do anything when you’re in a down mood or in a down period, even though that’s how it sounds like that (and also feels a bit to me now and before).

So very confusing and maybe it’s indeed some kind of shift in energy in the world as I read about a few days ago (and wrote about).

So today kind of started (or ended) with music. And while before I had the feeling only energy went out, and before meaning a long, very long time where I felt I had no control and just remembered something like ‘sowing seeds’ so I could reap later on, which I did, today I felt like I was receiving a lot, just receiving something like ‘energy’.

And while listening to music, somehow starting with playlists I already have and ending playing stuff from artists with ‘T’, I just started crying, thanking The Universe for sending me this music, that special thing that has been created by so many people and, indeed, performed, vocalized by musicians, artists.

And I felt how everything connects together, these old songs, written and sang a long, long time ago and now being played from just my server network. And I was thinking about all the artists who sang these songs, and probably only once for the recording. And about all the people involved in converting this song into a record or CD (or tape). And about the music industry that connected the writers and the singers and the musicians and technicians, etc., etc. And about copyright and how right now all these things are just available to me. Something like 25,000++ songs that I just keep on my hard drive and can just play whenever I want. And for most, like 99.9% or more I didn’t even pay the artists or the people involved in creating and distributing the songs. So I felt this enormous energy, this enormous power of human music history coming to me, being with me, right at that moment, an hour ago or so. And I felt the energy of the artists singing and playing at concerts, something I never attended, but I can imagine with what power musicians ‘do’ their performance.

So yes, that’s what Napoleon Hill talks about when talking about ‘giving’ and indeed, also getting the benefits in the form of the ‘big money’, even though I’m starting to realize that even for most famous artists that’s only temporary.

And yes, I felt like wanting to ‘give back’ let this energy I felt from this music coming to me and all the things around it, all those people, all those years, all that history coming towards me with enormous power. So how quick can your system fill up when you feel empty by just playing music (or using anything else) and realizing how much ‘organized effort’ is behind it. So yes, it also made me feel humble, like one human being can do so little.

So how can i give back, that’s what came to my mind. And I’m not fully sure, as I’m just a simple web developer, not a musician or something. But I guess also the musician can do so much and only for a limited amount of time (in my mind is now Céline Dion who I saw in a movie, backstage). But yes, they gave and give more than I do now, did recently, or maybe all my life. So maybe they deserve more, I’m not sure.

But yes, it’s also a flow, like if the flow is not there, as it hasn’t been there for me for a long time, you can’t do anything. And yes, if the flow is there, like I felt this evening, you can do anything, give anything, even those great performances, in whatever occupation you are.

Leading is following?

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Well, today I heard I was kind of too ‘pushy’ with where I want to go, what I expect from the team members and how fast I want to go. And yes, I think we’re going way too slow and I think the team should do a lot more than they do. But indeed, ‘pushing’ doesn’t really seem to be the right way, so I have to find a way to make things move in a different way. And that’s also exactly what I want, because I want the team to do things for Inspiration for Success in an inspired way. And I’m starting to believe, and that’s my message, that the world needs inspiration, not motivation, not ‘earning from hard work’ as at least one of the team members mentions when talking about priority. And not ‘work to make ends meet’ as one of the other team members seems to be doing. And I also tended and tend to do those things. But that’s exactly what I want to change, that’s exactly why I started this project, that’s exactly why Inspiration for Success exists. As I think that humans deserve much more than just work for money to make ends meet with or without a holiday once a year or something.

But yes, not easy with all the things we have learned about ‘earning a living’ and ‘working to live or at least survive’. And yes, that’s how the world works, of course I know that.

But wouldn’t it be nice if everybody could just do the things he likes to do. And wouldn’t it be nice that everybody could just receive what he wants to receive? It sounds like Utopia, but somehow I have the feeling it can be done and that when we achieve that situation the world would be a much happier place.

And the more I look around me, the more I see it could be done, the more I see there is capacity enough, capacity in service, in people liking to give service as well as capacity in products. And no, I didn’t do any research on how much we all would really produce if everybody would just do what he likes to do. But I’m quite sure we do have the technology and the knowledge to make something like that possible, to make something like that work.

It’s just a matter of changing our mindset, changing indeed to mindset of abundance. A mindset where everybody believes that money (=services of other people) does grow on trees. As I believe everybody likes to do ‘something’, everybody has some kind of passion what he wants to do. So why not all do it?

Ah, and the title of this post doesn’t seem to make much sense. But I just wanted to let you know that I’m trying to follow the guidelines that we are discussing as a team, the guidelines for creating better content, so I should have this post checked by someone else before posting. But for today I hope the team will forgive me that my urge to create ‘a daily post’ is higher than to produce ‘quality posts’, as the last is not (yet?) really my strength. So I’m not a good follower yet of our editor in chief, but I have decided to do better. And while writing, yes, I would need to set a date. So from October 31, 2013 or earlier I will follow the rules of the posting as set by our editor in chief.