Author Archives: Guus

Self analysis, question 12

A simple question today, as I have answered it pretty confident several times when doing this exercise of self analysis: “Are you gaining or losing self-confidence as you grow older?”. As especially the last few years I have the feeling my self-confidence has increased in an enormous way. So end of story, the answer is just ‘yes’?

Well, not quite I guess, as yesterday or a few days ago I wrote about people I dread to see, mainly because I feel very embarrassed. And I think that has never happened before, as I never felt so vulnerable about my (financial) situation. So yes, I am avoiding people, those people recently, so in that respect my self-confidence has decreased, decreased a lot.

So where before I felt quite self-confident, like going anywhere, contacting anyone, and I still have that, recently there are some people I avoid, people I owe things and can’t pay back and people I feel embarrassed being such a failure (in life).

So something to ponder about a bit more I guess, as this feels very strange. And I know I am hurting one person a lot with this, as he kind of told me that. And the other person must feel something as I am kind of avoiding her.

And yes, I still try to be friends with everybody, on good terms with everybody, which they say is not good or cannot be done or is kind of impossible. But there is some more to this, and yes, it is all about me and not healthy.

Self analysis, question 11

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For the post of today what first came into mind is that somehow I felt a lot better today. And I have no clue how that happened or how I had any influence on that and that is still very strange to me as everywhere I read you can do things to get yourself out of a rut or out of a bad mood. But in my experience you cannot, or at least I can not. At least I couldn’t the last few days and I hate phrases like ‘I can’t’ or ‘I couldn’t’, but maybe that is just a weakness in me or maybe my biggest weakness, that I can’t admit that there are things beyond my control.

But wait a minute, my mam’s ‘I can’t’ that triggers my negative feelings may be something different than my ‘I can’t’, so maybe worth investigating more. As my ‘I can’t’ mostly (always?) means something like ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘I don’t feel like it’, while my mams ‘I can’t’ mostly sounds like some kind of excuse.

Anyhow, even though my mind is more on the above, the ‘I can’t’, I don’t want to write a whole post about that and I’m not even sure why, so I’ll just continue with question eleven of the self analysis questions from Think and Grow Rich: “To which do you devote most time, thinking of success, or of failure?”.

And I have been thinking about this question since yesterday and also earlier, and the first that comes into my mind that I don’t think so much about failure or success, but that I think most of my current financial situation and my problems with work and career and not so much about failure or success. Or actually I think most about how I got here and how I can get out of it. And that leads me to something like not having the faintest idea how I got here, or more like what I could have done differently to prevent my current ‘worst than I could ever imagine’ financial situation. Or how I could get out of it, what I could do differently.

So while thinking further, of course I know how I got here. And maybe I was too eager to have a relationship again, like ending up with the wrong partner. And I could have sold the house or I could still sell it. And the last would certainly solve my immediate financial problems, or what I experience as my biggest problem, the loans I have that are far beyond what I could ever imagine anyone having, especially me, being against any type of loan for living or pleasure, which is where most of the money went.

And relating the above to the question what I think about more, failure or success, I think most of the time, practically all the time, about my previous failures, the things that brought me down. And I can’t even imagine any success, although while thinking about it now of course I did achieve great successes. So let’s just write these down:

I graduated high school in one setting with good grades.
I have a Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering.
My first relationship lasted for twelve years, which I guess I can still call a success, even though it failed in the end.
I found a new partner, an Asian partner, something I always dreamed of.
After being fired at my first employer in a very bad way I found a new job very soon after.
I worked for KPMG for about four years, something most people can’t say and where I think I learned most in my career.
I learned myself programming, including web programming, where the last is much more difficult than the first.
I have been writing every day now for more than two years, including sending a daily quote to more than 100 people.
I have made the bed in our bedroom for more than two years now, every day.
I built the first version of DoctorsConnect with amazing speed.
I started a business, and even though it kind of failed I am still working on making it work.
I acquired the most beautiful house in Cagayan de Oro City, maybe even of the whole Philippines.
I managed to keep my second relationship going for about twelve years now. I even managed to repair it after a breakup.
I kept my business going after having a severe motorcycle accident, including working from the hospital from the ICU
And I guess I could keep on going…

Wow, so that is something, just writing down some of my successes. And I didn’t know what it would do, but it really felt good doing that, it seems to have made a shift in my mindset right now, so I can certainly recommend doing something like what I just did.

So maybe instead of keeping analyzing or wanting to analyze everything I might just start thinking about my successes, the things that went right in my life or the things I achieved.

And enough for today I guess, as the above really gives me something to think.

Self analysis, question 10

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Well, the question “Are you envious of those who excel you?” sounds like a full yes for me, although I am not fully sure now if I understand the question correctly as I am especially envious of people who are more famous or richer than I am. Or maybe better stated, I am envious of those who are more successful than I am.

And thinking a bit further I am especially envious of the people who have better social skills, people skills than I have, and as far as I may believe others that would be the majority of the people.

And while writing this I realize it is less simple than my perception, than what I see. As there are probably people who are envious of me, who think I excel them. And I know I am more intelligent than average, so I guess people would be or could be envious of that. And I still live in a very big house, so I am pretty sure many people are envious of that, although that has nothing to do with excelling.

And in my mind is something that I read (again) recently, that we humans tend to compare our inner self, how we see ourselves, with the outside of other people. Which means that we don’t see how other people actually feel or where they actually stand.

And well, if I have to be open I guess I should write about some people I am really envious of excelling me and the first is my ex-partner. As what I see and know is that he has a much more ‘normal’ life than I have after we separated. And he is doing the things, yes, now with his new partner, we were supposed to do together. So from the outside he has everything I thought I would have, everything I dreamed of. So yes, I am very jealous and I feel very, well, humiliated that I, who is the more intelligent and ‘better’ person fell down so deep where he is doing pretty well. And I am very ashamed towards him, that I didn’t manage to build a decent life and he did. And that goes so far that I am scared of him, don’t dare to meet him anymore. And I know I need to do something with that, as I guess we are both human and both did the best we could.

And that brings me to the fact that I feel so down, that I don’t understand why I ‘didn’t make it’, or didn’t make it yet. Maybe that makes me feel so ashamed, something like that I have some kind of flaw that makes me a failure.

And yes, where I am now, where I went over the last eight years or so, made me also very humble, as I did what I could and it just wasn’t enough. So there must be more going on than what I do or what I know, as if anybody deserved success it would be me, at least if it depended on hard work and persistence.

So maybe that is what I had to learn, that no matter who you are and no matter what you do, you can still go down in a way you could have never imagined, that you could break all of your rules as circumstances or something are stronger than you.

And I know this goes against the Principles of Success, but I have no other explanation except that there are powers beyond my knowledge, beyond my control, that can make or break things. And yes, I know I have been stubborn and maybe I still am, but no one would understand how I could go down so deep and so quick, or maybe in such a hidden way.

So maybe there is something like ‘luck’, although I still want to prove otherwise, as I still don’t know how to get out of this mess, except pushing through with the things I started. And running away also doesn’t help, didn’t help, so that is no real option for me anymore.

And no clear answer or something, but good I wrote this down.

Self analysis, question 9

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Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

Self analysis, question 8

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I was a bit sick today and I still am, but somehow I decided to write and today’s question “Do you like your occupation? If not, why?” seems to be an applicable question. As most of my life I have liked the jobs I was in, but most of my life also the people I worked for didn’t seem to like the things I was doing.

This seems not to be a right answer to the question as it is kind of a yes and kind of a no. And I guess the final answer would be no, as of course I like to be appreciated for what I do, especially as most of my life I put my heart in my occupation.

And something changed also recently, as I don’t really like what I am doing at the moment, even though I like the work, but I don’t have a clear agreement about payment for my latest job which makes me postpone a lot of things. So right now I feel like being in some kind of a circle where I kind of create my own misery, as my postponing certainly won’t help to make my customer satisfied.

So well, maybe in this case some willpower would come in handy, even though the last few days I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again, which seems to say quite the opposite.

Confusing, but good to see this question today, as it will possibly help me get out of this mess.