I still have the feeling I am forcing things. And not like Abraham Hicks suggests first wait for inspiration so I can take inspired action. Like the last few months every day I finish my daily planning, my daily to-do list. But not by heart. I just finish it because I somewhere somehow decided that that may be a way to success. But it doesn’t feel like it, it has no relation to any desire or something like that. And yes, somehow it related to my definite purpose. As somehow I believe that learning to plan and ‘work the plan’ will help me achieve success, will help me to get more money. And I believe I need the money to achieve the major goal or goals in my desire document. But no, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel inspired, I don’t feel inspiration, I don’t feel desire.

So what’s going on here? It seems I still keep doing the same thing over and over again. It seems my life is repeating the same type of habits and unhappiness over and over again. And I am thinking now of the suggestions of Lynn Grabhorn, also based on the ideas of Abraham Hicks, based on the ideas of the Law of Attraction. As in one chapter she describes how people in general have given up on their dreams, on their desires. As they are just living life as how they are taught how life is supposed to be.

And yes, for the last few months I have been trying to go back to the dreams of my youth, of my childhood years,of my teenager years. And I kind of know what those dreams were. Like just having a stable job, a stable relationship. Something like ‘just fitting in’. But that didn’t happen. As I was gay, so finding a relationship was not easy, much more difficult than for heterosexual people. You just have less chance to find someone, you know? As if you like someone you don’t only need to figure out if that person likes you too, but you also have to figure out if he or she is gay.

And I was intelligent and technical. So of course I would be an engineer and have stable job and just have a decent, stable income. So yes, I went to university and got a masters degree in mechanical engineering. But over time I experienced that being intelligent and having a masters degree is not enough to survive in a job, in a business. No, you need to have social skills and stuff and somehow I don’t seem to have those, at least not enough.So I lost my job for whatever reason, no matter how I loved what I did and no matter how hard and honest I worked. And that was the start of a self fulfilling prophecy about losing jobs, as somehow I was scared of losing my job. And yes, as Napoleon Hill also states, fear is one of our biggest enemies, maybe even our biggest enemy.

And being very persistent, or maybe just stubborn, I kept going, with relationship and with work, with career. But somehow I was damaged too much, or didn’t fully understand what it’s all about. And as of the moment both career and relationship are in ruins. And related to those also finance, meaning I feel I can’t move anymore.

And yes, I was there, I let it all happen. And yes, I found Think and Grow Rich and am still working from it, still believing, or maybe struggling, to find success, financial as well as in relationship. Or maybe just finding, or better looking for, success in life. But time is running out and I’m still unhappy, very unhappy.

So what’s going on, as I know so much, how to do it all, how to achieve success and things. And yes, somehow deep down I still have those dreams of what I really want. But I just don’t feel it. And that’s where indeed it all seems to stop. If you don’t have the desire or just ‘don’t feel it’, you don’t go anywhere, you just don’t know get anything.

So maybe indeed first go back to my desire, go back to what I really wanted in life, what I still really want in life. And I know, as that’s so simple, or at least I thought it was: just have a life time romantic relationship with one person, yes, including developing my and my partner’s sex life, and just have a job you like and just have some spare time and money to enjoy holiday type things.

So simple it seems. But apparently it’s not.

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