My partner was just very angry and unreasonable and fortunately I was able to stay calm, even though I gave in in the end to something he wanted, even though I did not agree. And I always give in as I don’t know any other way (yet).
So I found myself kind of frustrated and also with some kind of withheld, even though slowly I see that this is just what he believes, his view how the world should be, like me supporting and serving him in everything. And I know in general I do much more than he does. And mostly I don’t mind as that’s how he feels (and I feel). But no, not easy if you feel there is so little coming back, that many of my needs are not being met.
But yes, I’m learning how to deal with things better. And my recent actions around planning, learning to plan, sticking to my daily plans, just doing the things I planned for today and not doing the things I planned for tomorrow or next week, help me. So yes, applying the principles of success like sticking to decisions and making a planning and writing things down and trying to listen to Infinite Intelligence, my inner voice, are slowly helping me to be more happy. As I guess in the end that’s what it’s all about.
So while sending my daily quote I played some music I liked. And I realized that this music, this kind of violent, aggressive music has been made by people who are ‘in flow’. So I saw the drummer and the singer and the mixer in my mind doing their thing, creating this beautiful thing they call music that I can play right here, just touching some buttons and dials. And I tried to suck in the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger of my partner an hour or so ago. And at first I tried to let it flow,flow out again, but it made me even feel more empty. But then I realized I was just empty and that it was OK to just let it in, suck it in, filling up the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger and unreasonable demands of my partner. So apparently taking in anger takes energy, an enormous amount of energy.
And yes, I know that just giving anger in return, getting angry at the other person, especially with my partner, just will make things worse, like fighting fire with fire, which in general is not a good idea, although of course sometimes it can be an option.
So then, while resting a bit from work, I tried to find some diversion and thought I might just check quotes related to ‘deal with anger’. So I ended up in Google seeing something like:
“The first key to leadership was self-control, particularly the mastery of pride, which was something more difficult, he explained, to subdue than a wild lion and anger, which was more difficult to defeat than the greatest wrestler. He warned them that “if you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead”.” ― Jack Weatherford.
And it appealed to me so I went to quotes about anger management and found the quote I sent today:
“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Laozi.
And of course the ‘never angry’ is unreasonable, as humans are humans. And I guess I still have a lot of pride. But it seems I’m on the right way, becoming a better human being, maybe able to lead others to a better world and more happiness.
But it’s not always easy.
So what do you want to be? A leader or a follower?
And looking back I see many of my mistakes, but I also don’t know how I could have done it differently. And that is still what is bothering me, what is keeping me busy thinking: how can I make it work, how can I rebuild Active Discovery Designs in a way that would work. And the image of Active Discovery Designs in my mind is quite clear. I see the building and I see 200 people working there. And I see myself in a black Pajero going there, something like being the CEO, something like managing the whole thing, giving it direction.