Tag Archives: Self analysis

Self analysis, question 19

I just pressed ‘New Post’ to create this post and suddenly felt very tired. And I have no clue why, even though I had a pretty heavy meeting tonight, but normally that doesn’t make me feel tired like right now. So I wonder if it has anything to do with the self analysis question for today: “Have you learned how to ‘down your troubles’ by being too busy to be annoyed by them?”. And the answer is no, as I often feel down and then can’t find any way to get moving (again) even though I know that mostly if I do something that I can do ‘fully’ I will feel better or just forget about everything.

So yes, I know being busy can down your troubles, make you forget your troubles, but when I feel down, which is quite often, mostly in the morning, I just can’t find the energy to get out of bed or get moving to ‘down my troubles’.

And this is very interesting as rationally I know that normally when I start moving I will feel better. But somehow that is not enough, somehow there is ‘something’ that still stops me in those moments, in those moods.

And yes, I often wonder what that something is and until now I didn’t find an answer to that, even though I know it has something to do with that I don’t believe things will be better, as they have been bad for so long.

And this brings me to the ideas around the “Law of Attraction“, the ideas that you first need to feel good, somehow need to be inspired, feel inspired to make anything good happen. And that brings me to the fact that related to that feeling better I often find myself in some negative downward spiral as I kind of try to push myself to feeling better, which of course only produces more feeling bad. And that makes me feel guilty, which makes me even feel worse.

And that brings me again to ideas like something outside of me, something like Infinite Intelligence needs to come to help. But also there I didn’t find a way yet to leave things to Infinite Intelligence or my Higher Power, at least mostly not, even though I try.

But yes, while writing I feel I am making progress. As I see and understand more and more that I am just a very small ‘something’ in a very large Universe. And yes, somehow I am also larger than that same Universe…

Self analysis, question 18

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Ah, question 18, the one I took a deliberate peek into yesterday: “Are you careless about your personal appearance? If so, when and why?”.

And it is good to write it down, as I did not fully realized what was in the second part of the question. I read something like “If so, why?”, but the question is a bit more specific.

And personal appearance in this way is something I encountered long time ago, when reading about relationships and stuff, like most people being more relaxed or even worse when it comes to personal appearance at home, especially if you have been married for a long time or have been in a relationship for a long time. And what I remember from that book or wherever I read that I remember that it is important to still take care of yourself and present yourself well to your partner, even after a long time and even though you know each other already for a long time. So that idea has been with me for a long time, even though I don’t fully follow it always (or mostly don’t?).

So the answer is something like “yes, I am careful with my personal appearance, but I am not always making sure I appear as good as I could or may be appropriate”. And the when, I mean when I am not careful with my personal appearance is something like when I am at home or when I am with friends and when I feel comfortable with people. And the why is because I prefer to wear comfortable clothes, meaning shorts, a t-shirt and slippers.

And I feel a little uncomfortable right now, as there is much more to this story in my case and these things always go back to something like “I did, but it didn’t work out or I think it didn’t work out”. And at the moment I don’t feel like having the funds to buy the clothes I would need for certain occations or the clothes I would like to wear.

And writing about this always makes me sad, as in my opinion I did an awful lot of effort to ‘follow the rules’ and I always have the feeling that my effort didn’t pay off, at least not in the way I wanted to or expected to. And that is also why recently, the last few years, I have become more relaxed again with my appearance, even though I mostly dress up for business meetings and such.

But going back tot the question, no I am certainly not careless about my personal appearance. But I am tired of putting effort and having the feeling it is not paying off, the feeling that nothing is coming back.

Self analysis, question 15

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The question of today is a hard one for me as most of my life I have not been happy, actually quite down. And maybe that is the more sad as my main keywords are “Joyful, loving and powerful”, meaning I didn’t encounter or gave a lot of joy.

So today’s question is “Are you sometimes ‘in the clouds’ and at other times in the depths of despondency?”. And I know the feeling and I guess it kind of applies to me, but somewhere, somehow I ‘lost it’ in life and from that moment on it seems my whole life was about negativity, about unhappiness. And yes, there have been a few times where I was really happy, where I really enjoyed life, really had hope, really was ‘building’, but most of my life I have felt very gloomy, like living within a dark cloud of unpleasant things, of ‘unpleasancy’.

And something comes up in my mind right now what a friend of mine recently told me, that she remembered me as gloomy. And that was in my childhood, when I was six or so. So my negativity, my gloom must be very old, must go back to my early childhood, baby time even. And I don’t remember so much of that anymore, except some stories that have been told to me. So it is very hard to figure out what is reality and if it was really my own experience or if it relates to things I am told, even though recently some of the ‘real’ memories come back to me, like the time I was hiding under the bed when I was staying with someone who took care of my as my parents were not there. As far as I know that was during the time my mam was in the hospital because of giving birth to one of my sisters.

And I know I can still do that, hiding, still even do that. And I always considered that bad behavior, but is it really?

And today in my Dutch post I was contemplating if things were changing (for the good), and somehow they are, even though it is not really visible in reality yet. As I am starting to take my feelings seriously and with that my wants and needs, where until now most of my life was about others, pleasing others. And even tonight I did that, thinking what the other would think as I declined a meeting. And the more I think about that the stranger it seems to even consider that you know what the other would feel or think. And putting the others wishes above your own wishes, the others wants above your own wants, the others needs above your own needs. But that’s what I seem to do most of the time, still.

And I was raised as a Christian so I know the Ten Commandments, including “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”. But somehow the world seems to have made something out of it like “you shall love your neighbor more than yourself”, as everywhere I look and read people say and write to first focus on others (and not on yourself?), including Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich. But the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t add up and ‘pleasing others’ certainly didn’t work for me, at least not until now. And I know more people who are doubting the concept of first thinking about others (and then about yourself).

So where am I going with this now? Did it answer the question? No. But I think what I wrote above gives me some more insight on what is going on in my life and where I am going (and where I want to go).

So let’s change direction (more), as until now it didn’t work.

Self analysis, question 14

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A bit a weird question to me today: “Are you permitting some relative or acquaintance to worry you? If so, why?”. And the first thing that comes to me now if the question is about me worrying about someone else or someone else worrying about me. And of course I am quite sure it is the first, me worrying about some relative or acquaintance.

So am I worrying about some relative or acquaintance? Well, I guess not, although I think I did more before.

Or could it be it is meant that the behavior or opinion of someone would be worrying me. And I guess that is the case and it goes back to previous questions that I have obligations to other people I don’t like and I can’t fulfill which makes me very embarrassed and indeed makes me worry about that.

So why am I not addressing that? Well, because I still believe things will get better, even though for the last ten, fifteen years they only got worse.

And yes, these worries affect me a lot, even though I pretend they are not. Or somehow I push them aside, try to ignore them. But yes, these things affect me, affect me a lot.

So what is the weakness here, what is there to improve?

Maybe I should indeed address the issue in a way that it wouldn’t worry me so much anymore, as indeed, worrying about things is killing.

And I still don’t know what, but these questions are starting to make me think more, think about issues I don’t want to solve, things I postpone, things I don’t make decisions about.

Self analysis, question 11

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For the post of today what first came into mind is that somehow I felt a lot better today. And I have no clue how that happened or how I had any influence on that and that is still very strange to me as everywhere I read you can do things to get yourself out of a rut or out of a bad mood. But in my experience you cannot, or at least I can not. At least I couldn’t the last few days and I hate phrases like ‘I can’t’ or ‘I couldn’t’, but maybe that is just a weakness in me or maybe my biggest weakness, that I can’t admit that there are things beyond my control.

But wait a minute, my mam’s ‘I can’t’ that triggers my negative feelings may be something different than my ‘I can’t’, so maybe worth investigating more. As my ‘I can’t’ mostly (always?) means something like ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘I don’t feel like it’, while my mams ‘I can’t’ mostly sounds like some kind of excuse.

Anyhow, even though my mind is more on the above, the ‘I can’t’, I don’t want to write a whole post about that and I’m not even sure why, so I’ll just continue with question eleven of the self analysis questions from Think and Grow Rich: “To which do you devote most time, thinking of success, or of failure?”.

And I have been thinking about this question since yesterday and also earlier, and the first that comes into my mind that I don’t think so much about failure or success, but that I think most of my current financial situation and my problems with work and career and not so much about failure or success. Or actually I think most about how I got here and how I can get out of it. And that leads me to something like not having the faintest idea how I got here, or more like what I could have done differently to prevent my current ‘worst than I could ever imagine’ financial situation. Or how I could get out of it, what I could do differently.

So while thinking further, of course I know how I got here. And maybe I was too eager to have a relationship again, like ending up with the wrong partner. And I could have sold the house or I could still sell it. And the last would certainly solve my immediate financial problems, or what I experience as my biggest problem, the loans I have that are far beyond what I could ever imagine anyone having, especially me, being against any type of loan for living or pleasure, which is where most of the money went.

And relating the above to the question what I think about more, failure or success, I think most of the time, practically all the time, about my previous failures, the things that brought me down. And I can’t even imagine any success, although while thinking about it now of course I did achieve great successes. So let’s just write these down:

I graduated high school in one setting with good grades.
I have a Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering.
My first relationship lasted for twelve years, which I guess I can still call a success, even though it failed in the end.
I found a new partner, an Asian partner, something I always dreamed of.
After being fired at my first employer in a very bad way I found a new job very soon after.
I worked for KPMG for about four years, something most people can’t say and where I think I learned most in my career.
I learned myself programming, including web programming, where the last is much more difficult than the first.
I have been writing every day now for more than two years, including sending a daily quote to more than 100 people.
I have made the bed in our bedroom for more than two years now, every day.
I built the first version of DoctorsConnect with amazing speed.
I started a business, and even though it kind of failed I am still working on making it work.
I acquired the most beautiful house in Cagayan de Oro City, maybe even of the whole Philippines.
I managed to keep my second relationship going for about twelve years now. I even managed to repair it after a breakup.
I kept my business going after having a severe motorcycle accident, including working from the hospital from the ICU
And I guess I could keep on going…

Wow, so that is something, just writing down some of my successes. And I didn’t know what it would do, but it really felt good doing that, it seems to have made a shift in my mindset right now, so I can certainly recommend doing something like what I just did.

So maybe instead of keeping analyzing or wanting to analyze everything I might just start thinking about my successes, the things that went right in my life or the things I achieved.

And enough for today I guess, as the above really gives me something to think.