Tag Archives: Self analysis

Self analysis, question 9

Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

Self analysis, question 8

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I was a bit sick today and I still am, but somehow I decided to write and today’s question “Do you like your occupation? If not, why?” seems to be an applicable question. As most of my life I have liked the jobs I was in, but most of my life also the people I worked for didn’t seem to like the things I was doing.

This seems not to be a right answer to the question as it is kind of a yes and kind of a no. And I guess the final answer would be no, as of course I like to be appreciated for what I do, especially as most of my life I put my heart in my occupation.

And something changed also recently, as I don’t really like what I am doing at the moment, even though I like the work, but I don’t have a clear agreement about payment for my latest job which makes me postpone a lot of things. So right now I feel like being in some kind of a circle where I kind of create my own misery, as my postponing certainly won’t help to make my customer satisfied.

So well, maybe in this case some willpower would come in handy, even though the last few days I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again, which seems to say quite the opposite.

Confusing, but good to see this question today, as it will possibly help me get out of this mess.

Self analysis: question 7

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The question for today is a tough one: “Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?”. Or maybe not, as somehow I appreciate life and somehow I still have hope for the future. But recently I often kind of ask my Higher Power if He would not allow me to go, let me die, as I am so tired of the life I have been living most of my life. And often I wish I had died five and a half years ago when I had a very bad motorcycle accident and indeed almost died. So does life seem futile to me and does the future seem hopeless to me, no, not really, but I am tired, very, very tired of living life in poverty and in kind of survival mode for a long, long time. And somehow I don’t have any clue how to change that, even though I keep on trying to make it work, like starting new projects or still trying to somehow revive my business.

And am I living a really poor life like having no food or something? No, not really, or certainly not, at least not compared to the majority of the people in the world I guess. But I do miss the extra’s, the holidays and being able to move around more easily, having a car. And I am tired of not having enough income, meaning I am still getting deeper into debt, even though I still have more, probably much more capital than I owe.

And I am not sure how to deal with this question further, like I could go back into my past to figure out how it all started, but I did that many times and I didn’t get a real answer from that, including not really knowing what caused my failures in career, in business.

And yes, I know that part or maybe all of my debts are related to giving in to my partner too much, until today, or actually one or two weeks ago. As I doubt I would have borrowed money if I would have been on my own. And of course that reminds me of the statement somewhere in Think and Grow Rich about choosing the wrong mate, and maybe I did that. But relationship, romantic love is or at least has been the most important thing in my life, even though also in that area I am tired as things didn’t work out as I imagined them, expected them.

So thinking about analysis the questions arise with me now if I should choose another career or another life partner. And looking at ‘reality’ I guess I should. But somehow I don’t want to, as I don’t really see a better alternative as I fear(?!) that changing career (or location) or partner wouldn’t really change anything, even though I guess another partner, someone who can give me more of what I need, might solve a lot of things, might even solve ‘everything’.

Ah, and something else that arises with me now is that I have the feeling that most of my life I have been running away from things, from bad things, from failures, from defeat. And about two years ago when I started with Think and Grow Rich I somehow decided this time I would stay, this time I would continue with the things I started. And so I did. With no real change, until now, as that is what I believe now. But somehow also something changed, somehow I have the feeling that the change, the good life (again) is very near, that if e.g. DoctorsConnect pushes through that may just be may way out of poverty, into success, into riches. And somehow I have the feeling that recently something changed in my relationship.

So let’s just wait a little longer, let’s persist a little longer.

Self analysis, question 6

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Until now the question “Do you suffer frequently with indigestion? If so, what is the cause” completely didn’t make sense to me, including other references to the word indigestion in Think and Grow Rich as I never had any problems going to the toilet or something, like not being able to digest.

Just now I decided to check what indigestion really means and to my amazement it includes or is mainly related to stomach problems. And the last few months I had quite severe stomach problems, like a burning feeling, even so bad that it affects my sleep, my falling to sleep.

So yes, recently I suffer from indigestion, even a lot. So this question suddenly seems to be related to me, while before I couldn’t relate it in any way to me.

And what I the cause? I have no clue, but I guess it has something to do with some kind of viral or bacterial infection that had gone away after visiting a doctor and taking medicines, but that has come back somewhere during the last week or so, even though the burning feeling has been present for a while now.

So well, something to think about. And maybe something I should have checked after reading Wikipedia.

Self analysis, question 5

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The question “Do you deliberately avoid the association of anyone, and if so, why?” is a tough one to answer in public, as since that question is in my mind I realize there are quite some people I avoid or am scared of.

So I am not fully sure if I deliberately avoid the association with people, but I do deliberately avoid people because I am scared of them. And that kind of worries me, as it means I have issues I am avoiding, issues I don’t want to deal with. And it means that I lack self confidence, lack courage to deal with things I am not proud of, mistakes I made.

So do I also deliberately avoid the association of anyone? I guess so, but right now I don’t remember any specific sample of that.

So maybe go back to the avoidance of certain people, which I certainly do. And I have one specific person in mind I am avoiding as I am keeping a secret from her. Or actually I am not literally hiding something from her, but I feel very uncomfortable she doesn’t know something.

So what am I exactly scared of? Well, I guess of losing more than I already lost, especially the house. So this does go back to the fear of poverty.

And I am not fully sure if I should tell my secret, as it may just create the thing I am scared of, even though I realize recently my problem became worse where I have been working on solving this issue last year, but recently I ran out of money again, causing more and more problems, where I thought I was on the way solving them.

So well, tough question, at least the issues it brings into focus with me.

But the whole thing still goes back to things I think I cannot control, like money coming in, having income. And that is where the ideas of Napoleon Hill are conflicting with my experience, although he mentions things related to my situation, like you may be forced to temporarily be dishonest.

So there is some big issue here, as this question makes me feel very uncomfortable and might touch the basics of my (current) problems.

And not sure how to continue now, except the word courage comes into mind. And the word doubt, related to the ‘not sure’ I just wrote.

So work to do here, as there are certainly answers around my avoidance of certain people. And related to that avoidance of looking at problems to be solved.