Tag Archives: Universe

No clue

I have no clue what to write. As today and the last few days I just couldn’t get going. And no matter discipline and all the things I learned especially the last few years couldn’t get me moving.

So what is inspiring about this? Maybe just indeed that sometimes we’re just tired, sometimes things just don’t seem to move. Maybe indeed we are only little humans in this vast world, in this vast universe, more limited than we think and feel. And the strange thing to me is still that we are also powerful, more powerful than anything ‘material’.

As somehow humans are special, somehow it seems we are the only thing in the universe expressing consciousness.

Lost day?

I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

Leave it to the Universe

I never really believed in ‘leaving things to God’ or something. Or I never knew how to do that. But recently it seems I am more able to do that, and the results are amazing, like I am complaining less to other people and often outcomes are just stunning. Like earlier this week I had to wait a long time in the bank and I was a bit annoyed with it. But after leaving the bank I just bumped into some friends who passed by. Or actually they bumped into me. And it was nothing really special meeting them, but it was special realizing that my waiting in the bank had made it possible to meet them, for them to see me and stop and say ‘hi’.

And also today I was a bit annoyed as my partner and a visiting cousin wanted to go to the movie and I actually didn’t want to go as I still had a lot of unfinished things on my daily list. And amazingly the movie was not scheduled yet, so they decided we would not watch a movie. And then again I was a bit annoyed as my partner wanted to buy DVD’s in the city, so another time lost. Or so I thought. But while on the way I remembered I still wanted to see someone to finish a business deal who is often near the place where my partner normally buys DVD’s. So I asked them to drop me, which they did, and you already can guess that the person I wanted to see was there and was available to discuss the things I wanted to discuss.

And again, normally if my partner is at that place, he wants to stay longer than me. But not today, as after one beer he said he wanted to go home as he was tired. And that was also where I wanted to go.

So by just looking up, closing my eyes, and trusting ‘The Universe’ (and  not complaining to others) I got everything I wanted, including some spare time, as I came home and felt kind of sick, interpreting this that it was time to rest and re-plan my unfinished things for today. And again, it really was like it ‘came to me’, the thought it was enough for today, that it was time to be flexible and not stubborn, not stubbornly finish my things until deep in the night.

So amazing what happens, if you let go of the control, if you just leave things to God, to The Universe, and not complain so much anymore. As things then just come to you.

And yes, I remember now, that I got a strong message yesterday or so, that help is on the way. And today I wanted to force that, but something in me said that I just need to trust and wait, and not try to force it. As that just doesn’t work. Which doesn’t mean taking action is wrong or so, or not needed. But indeed, only inspired action seems to work and any uninspired action seems to be doomed to fail.

So yes, take action, but only if you feel like it, only if you feel inspired.

Laws of the Universe

The things I found (again) in the chapter The Brain of Think and Grow Rich stay stuck in my mind, together with the things I encountered in the Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As somehow it seems you need to leave things to your (the?) Higher Power, somehow it seems you can’t do anything alone as a human being. Or just can’t do anything.

So then what is my purpose, comes up immediately. Or why am I suffering so much then. And what about my free will and my needs and wants?

So I am thinking about that Napoleon Hill puts a remark that the book is not about anything religious or God or something, but somehow it still seems to be, somehow the more and more I read it, the book is (also) about religion, about how it all came to be, how it all works. And he phrases it very nicely in the chapter The Brain: “all of us are controlled by forces which are unseen and intangible”. But somehow we have the power of Thought, of Creation through thought. And somehow something is listening to us and answering us. As I experimented with that today and somehow I had the feeling that my questions were answered by ‘something’ outside of myself.

And yes, I have been setting myself up for those things, as the last few days I had some encounters and meetings with my virtual cabinet. And somehow it seemed, it seems that you can summon others, can summon ‘things’. And I experienced that strongest in some Family Constellations meetings.

So today I strongly asked for help in a way passing it to the spiritual world, I think in a way as I never have done before. And the answer was very strong, that help was on the way, that there was more help on the way than I could have ever imagined. And something that I should be careful with what I have wished for, that there is some kind of danger in what I want, what I wanted, what I asked for.

But the general feeling was positive, that there is help on the way and that my suffering will be over soon.

So I am very curious what is going to happen next. And yes, this was the first time I really let go of wanting to control things, this was one of the few times I really left it to the Higher Power how to let things happen…

Bad mood, good mood

So I had this bad mood yesterday (and the days before). And last night I couldn’t sleep, so I went out again, played a bit and went too bed again. And of course I woke up very late today, only to find two messages, one from a customer to pick up a check and one from Mitsubishi Cagayan de Oro that I could pass by again to take some pictures as the (my?) black Pajero is due for release this afternoon. And I felt a bit annoyed as I had only about one hour to get there and I also wanted to bring my partner to take the pictures. And knowing especially my partner I would never make the scheduled time.

But then suddenly a whole world opened for me, as I realized that everything is okay, that whatever time I would arrive would be okay. As it is not me who arranges everything, it is God or The Universe or Infinite Intelligence in charge of everything. And I am still home and a bit anxious, a bit annoyed as my partner is still not prepared and on the phone with some issue he has been talking about for the whole week with all kinds of people. An issue that doesn’t make sense to me and an issue I don’t understand he spends so much time and energy on. But I realize more and more that all these events have a reason and that it would be okay if I were late and the Pajero would be gone. Or it would be okay if it’s still there. And it would be okay if I arrived just when the owner is about to pick it up, where in that case the delay would just mean that it was meant I meet the owner.

And yes, I have a choice as I could push my partner now more if I would really want to go and be in time. Or I could go or could have gone earlier as I woke up just in time to be there at the indicated time. But I did not do that and yes, I still feel a bit anxious, but I think that has more to do with dealing with my partner than with this specific issue.

So while thinking, and that was the reason why I started this post, I realized (again) that there have been and are being set up so many things by, well, The Universe. As my waking up late and the check being ready and the car ready for release and the owner scheduling time today and, and, and… So life is indeed some kind of dance of all kinds of things coming together and making ‘reality’ real, making life happen as it happens. And yes, including my decision of not to push my partner and not going down myself.

And yes, that makes me think more and more about predestination or not, like if I, if you, if people really have a choice. And of course that brings me to The Matrix, where it is stated many times that ‘the problem is choice’. And a book I read recently about the universe in a scientific way states a bit the same, and in my opinion it all goes down to something like ‘who is the observer’. But is the observer not just ‘consciousness’, universal consciousness? And are humans not some kind of expression of that universal consciousness? Who will know and I doubt if we will ever know, but somehow it is very exciting and at the same time mysterious.

But my partner is almost ready, so I guess we’ll go soon.

To be continued…