Tag Archives: Faith

My beliefs

Awareness

It is a short while ago since I started this post, maybe a few weeks, and I think changing my beliefs already started having some (positive) effect. And strange, it seems all have started with me working the Twelve Steps and it all seems to start with awareness, yes, truth.

Truth, knowledge and beliefStarting to believe

I am starting to believe(?!) more and more that I have some powerful beliefs that stop me from doing almost anything. As lately I have hardly done anything, at least that is how I feel. Like I have hardly worked on DoctorsConnect, on extending and improving the functionality, and that is pretty important and it is something that I (technically) can do pretty easily, if I just spend the time. And time I have; I have enough time. But somehow something stops me from doing almost anything. And I am not fully sure what it is, although I have some clues, like I have no desire to live anymore, so yes, without desire virtually anything is impossible, also according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill.

And not easy finding an image that matches what I want to show and discuss and write on this page. But the image I found on Wikipedia suffices for now I guess. And I found something like faith is not belief. Anyhow, I don’t want to elaborate on that now.

My main issue is that I have complete lack of desire. Basically I don’t want to do anything anymore, don’t want anything anymore. And it may go back to depression, but there may be some more behind it, so I will start writing some beliefs or possible beliefs that keep me in this state of paralysis.

My current beliefs

Initial thoughts about my beliefs, beliefs that stop me from doing anything, from making any progress especially in love life and business:

  1. I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.
  2. I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.
  3. I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.
  4. I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.
  5. I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.
  6. I believe that I am getting too old to catch up with the love life I wanted.
  7. I believe God does not want me to be successful with my business. Or maybe He wants, but I am not sure why He is not helping me or does not let things happen to make it easier to move forward, like meeting the right people to build a team.
  8. I believe I need a team, or at least some people supporting me with DoctorsConnect.
  9. I believe I am useless in this world, that nobody really cares for me, that nobody is really interested whether I am here in this world or not.
  10. I believe that no matter what I do, I cannot do anything, until God or The Universe helps me, supports me. And I believe that is not happening right now, and I don’t understand that, as why would The Universe or God not help me?

Wow, how negative

Wow, what a negative beliefs I wrote down in the previous paragraph. How can those beliefs ever create a prosperous healthy life? But how to change them? Well, maybe just counter them with facts, as above beliefs are stated pretty bold, where I am sure now I can counter some of them with samples where they are not true or not fully true.

The truth (changing my beliefs)

Well, let’s state some truths about above belief, as with these beliefs I will go nowhere.

1. Things (don’t) work out

“I believe that no matter what I do things don’t work out, won’t work out, something like the Universe is against me, punishing me for past behavior, for past mistakes.”

At least this is stated way too one sided, especially the “no matter what”, as not ‘everything’ is not working out in my life. I am still alive and pretty healthy and many things I do do work out, like just 99% of the daily things I do just work as they are expected to work.

And “The Universe” being against me sounds like bullshit, as why would “The Universe” be against me, even if I made mistakes?

And yes, there are quite some crazy things going on in my life right now that really don’t make sense. Like how my phone was broken and how the refrigerator is broken and how Globe cut us off and how I don’t manage to find work, income somehow.

So yes, “The Universe” seems to play some weird tricks on me and around me that don’t make sense, but somehow I also believe “The Universe” is a fair Universe.

Maybe I better say something like “There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking”.

2. I am the one who always (->sometimes) pays

“I am the one who always has to pay, no matter what, I have to pay.”

Also here there is this very one sided statement with the “always”. And this definitely has to do with codependency and it also seems to go back to my family of origin, to my mom, who also thinks she always has to pay and also does.

Paying something is still a choice and feeling trapped like “having no choice” or having to choose between two bad choices is still a choice. And I may, or probably am, mostly giving in way too much with all kinds of things that may be able to be solved in different ways, ways beyond my understanding.

I could rephrase this a bit into something like “I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.”.

3. My desires are wrong (->right)

“I believe my desires are wrong, like wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, a life like I had before.”.

Wow, another very bold statement that doesn’t make any sense and does not even hold up. How could my desires be wrong? They may be bold or difficult to achieve or impracticable, but they are just my desires and there is nothing wrong with being rich or famous or wanting to have a prosperous, good life or a life similar to the life I had before. I even had the things I mean with “the life I had before”, so those things can be achieved, can be had. I even had them, so why can’t I have them again?

I think rephrasing this one may indeed turn my life around. What about “My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.”.

4. Punishment -> praise

“I believe I am being punished somehow. I have no clue why though, as I don’t think my mistakes were that big, until I ran out of money, felt like I ran out of options.”;

Strange, that I still somehow believe in punishment, in a punishing God. I know now that is completely crazy, just and idea from my religious past, from the bible. So there is no punishment, maybe except for the punishing we do to ourselves, yes, based on what actually?

I know I am good enough as I am, that I am just good as I am, nothing more, nothing less, I am just who I am, I am just what I am, I just am. Nothing good or bad about it, just something like ‘existence’, like a stone or an animal or a star or whatever. How strange humans can think, thing about themselves, create something like ego, create something that is kind of self destructing. How strange.

I guess the only belief to replace this would be something like “I am who I am” or just “I am”, something neutral, nothing good, not bad, just ‘being’.

Or maybe something like opposite of punishment. Yeah, what is the opposite of punishment? Praise I think. Then it would be something like “I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.”.

My life is (not fully) wasted (anymore)

“I believe my life until now has been a waste, especially related to my love life wants.”

Another bold statement, which, if it even would hold (some) truth, can hardly be true. As no matter what I do, no matter how many wrong or bad things I do, not everything I do can be bad or wasted.

Like I am sure that my dog training activities help people, make people and dogs more happy. And I guess even my daily sending of daily quotes must have some positive effect somewhere, with someone, some day or days.

So a better belief would be something like “My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.”.

My new beliefs

My new, more productive beliefs could be:

  1. There are some strange things going on around me and I don’t fully understand why or how. Maybe The Universe is playing some kind of weird tricks on me and it may have to do with past or current behavior or  past or current mistakes. This doesn’t mean things will stay the way they are and it is very possible that things in the future will be better and more to my liking.
  2. I may feel forced way too early and way too often to pay something when there may be other ways to deal with the issue at hand. I may want to relax a bit, or a lot more, with everything that goes on around payments and observe and think first what to do, before paying anything I feel obliged to pay to prevent (further) problems.
  3. My desires are wanting to be rich and famous and wanting to have a prosperous, good life, like the ‘good life’ I had before. This may not be easy to achieve, but it is certainly possible, especially when I perform the right actions and plan well.
  4. I believe I deserve to be praised for still living, for not having killed myself because of what happened, because of what life gave me, what life dealt me, because of my wrong believes, because of my beliefs from childhood.
  5. My life, me living, me being here on this earth, at least sometimes has some positive effects.

My trip in 2016

At the end of 2016 I made a trip, a four week trip, and while writing it is still 2016, only two weeks or so after I returned from my trip. And I wrote several posts already about this trip, but I wanted to add a post about the journey I made, the places I visited, the route I followed, so I am starting that now here.

And I am not fully sure when I started my trip, but as far as I remember it was November 16, 2016, a Thursday if I remember well. And of course I can check that date, as there must be messages or photos or whatever relating to that date, or the days after. And it was weird how this trip started, as at first it was a long time suggestion of my (ex-)partner. And no, I still don’t know if he is my ex or if he is still my partner. He says he is not, but somehow we are still related, still connected. He is even still here, even though I asked him to stay away from me, from here, as I wanted to recover from the loss, from him leaving me.

But that is another story and I don’t really want to write about that here now, or maybe not even at all, although that may be also good. As I have learned that sharing helps, sharing anything, can even inspire other people, no matter how weird or sad or bad the story is.

Anyhow, so I left on I think November 16, 2016, and yes, it was my own choice. And at the time I was kind of running away, away from home, away from Malasag, away from my obligations, away from the dogs, away from everything. And yes, looking back I needed it, looking back my (ex-)partner was right, I really needed a break, away from everything, as I had been stuck for quite a while, actually a very long time, in Malasag, in my home, The Malasag House.

And it was hard leaving, as I did not know whether I could trust my (ex-)partner with everything, as he had offered to take care of everything while I would be away. I did not know if I could trust him with the house, the stuff inside, the dogs, everything. But somehow I knew I needed to get away, get out, to “find myself” as my (ex-)partner called what he suggested I would do. So finally I did.

And right now I planned to make an overview of my trip, like a summary of the route I took, the places I visited:

  1. First photo during my tripMy first stop was Butuan, where I changed bus. And it was a stop, as I had a nice conversation with one of the shop keepers. I don’t recall his name now, but maybe I will later. Actually my first good experience, as I had many, many good experiences during my trip.
  2. My second stop was Maasin, where I had planned to stay, as someone I knew who I wanted to visit had not replied. And here the first miracle happened, as just when I was about to tell the conductor I wanted to continue to Ormoc, the destination of the bus, I received a text from my friend that he would like me to visit him. So I got off the bus in Maasin.
  3. After getting off the bus in Maasin I realized I was already too far, quite a bit too far, as my friend lives in Sogod, a municipality about one and a half hour away by public transport from Maasin. As I really wanted to see him I decided to go back, back to Sogod.
  4. Sogod was my first real stop, the first place where I felt safe and comfortable after kind of running away from home, from Malasag. Bus terminal SogodAnd I forgot how long I stayed. I think it was three nights. And it was good being with a friend, being with a family, being with people that felt good, that I trusted, even though I barely knew them. So yes, there are people everywhere where a human being can stay, no matter what. I was very grateful staying there, even though they were very poor, so I even had to sleep on a bed without a mattress, but I felt safe and comfortable and taken care of.
  5. After Sogod I left for Legazpi, my first real planned stop, as before leaving Malasag my first planned itinerary was go to Manila by bus, but make a stop over in Legazpi as I thought it was too long a trip to go to Manila in one setting. I also had never been in Legazpi, and while researching my trip I found it is a tourist destination, so it sounded like a good first stop. And it was.
  6. And again, several miracles happened, first just finding a hotel very easily and smoothly after being dropped off the bus in what looked like a very strange location, and after when leaving Legazpi, just getting a bus ticket and a bus by some hunch I got while waiting for my phone to charge.
  7. My next stop was Boracay. And getting there was really a crazy trip, but I loved it, even though I decided not to push through getting there through Masbate, a route that looked shorter, but also looked very adventurous and unsure. Reason to go there was that a friend of mine is working there and as we were never able to meet, due to budget constraints, I decided to go there. And doing it at this part of my trip was because he had planned to leave for Manila a few days o after, so we might have been able to travel together, as my next planned stop was still Manila. I also had never been to Boracay, and living in The Philippines for so long I really wanted to go there, even though I expected not to like it there. How wrong was I, as I really loved Boracay after arriving there, staying there for a few days.
  8. After my (first) stay in Boracay I finally went to what had been my first goal as a destination: Manila. I arrived there early morning waiting for a friend to wake up as I had asked him if I could go there and have breakfast as I was too early to check in in the hotel I booked. I stayed two nights in Manila before going to the main goal of this trip: Luzon, and then go to the most northern tip, which would be the farthest (north) I had planned to go on this trip.
  9. My next goal after Manila was Pagudpud, as I decided to first go to the farthest point and then slowly go down, visiting the Baguio/Sagada area, another goal of this trip as I have been living in The Philippines for a long time, but never went to that popular area. Unfortunately, or looking back maybe fortunately, there was no direct bus from Manila to Pagudpud at the time I had planned to leave, so I decided to go to Laoag instead, and go from there.
  10. So I think something like my first goal not reached, as I had planned to go to Pagudpud and not to Laoag.

    Saint William Cathedral Laoag.

    But it seemed God had planned something better for me than I had done, as I visited a Dutch friend that I knew from the internet and he toured me around Laoag for about the whole first day I was in Laoag.

  11. The next day I still went to Pagudpud on a day trip, so I did reach that goal also, although that day I did not reach my main destination of my trip: the northern tip of Luzon. Again, not reaching that goal was a lesson for me, and a deliberate choice, as I did not want to end up as I had ended up one day in Boracay: totally wet and with a broken umbrella.
  12. Then the next day I wanted to reach the Sagada area, preferably via the shortcut via Cervantes. And my target, my goal was Bontoc, a municipality somewhere in the middle of the Sagada area that seemed a good starting point for my next target, probably Baguio. And this was the second time I did not reach my goal for a day. Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.As when I arrived in Cervantes there was no more transportation to Bontoc, so I ended up in Bauko. And again, not reaching my goal was not a bad thing as I ended up in a very nice inn, Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café. You can read more in the post Unexpected Baguio.
  13. The next day I indeed reached Bontoc, but basically only passed through as I had decided to make some kind of round trip in the Sagada area. So my next target was Banaue.
  14. And again, God changed my plan, as when arriving in Banaue I was not able to find immediate transportation to Baguio City. But that was a very positive experience, as it gave me the opportunity to roam around in Banaue for a few hours, enough for me to get the feel of a place before moving on. You can read more about my Sagada experience in my post about Laguna.
  15. After Banaue my plan was to go back to Manila, passing through Baguio. And the last was a big detour, but I wanted to be able to say I have been to Baguio as that is a very famous place in North Luzon. I ended up only staying five minutes on Baguio soil, as the van dropped me off at the bus station and a bus to Manila was already waiting. But at least I have been to Baguio LOL, so I don’t have to explain I went to North Luzon and did not visit Baguio.
  16. The trip from Banaue to Manila lasted much longer than I expected, so I arrived or would arrive in Manila somewhere in the (early) morning. As the friends I wanted to visit were not available I decided to skip Manila and continue to my next stop, Liliw, where a friend of mine is living I wanted to visit and already agreed with I could stay for one or more nights.
  17. After two or three nights in Liliw I decided to continue my journey and go to Boracay again as I had enjoyed Boracay so much. This meant going to Batangas again to probably cross over to Calapan, take a van again to Roxas or Bulalacao. So I did, traveled overnight from Liliw to Boracay through San Pablo, Batangas, CalapanRoxas and Caticlan (of course).
  18. I think I spent two nights in Boracay again and it was indeed a similar experience as the first time. I enjoyed very much being a tourist again in a place focused on tourism. My last night was kind of weird, a prayer being answered in a way nobody could have ever imagined. I still don’t understand how that was organized.
  19. I left Boracay early morning towards my next stop: Iloilo City, where I was planning to meet a friend, which I did. I only stayed one night and the morning and around noon I left for my next stop: Bacolod, where I was hoping to meet a friend.
  20. As my friend did not respond I decided to continue to basically my last destination: Dumaguete, a city I know pretty well as I have been there many times.

And right now I feel like I have to stop writing here, as it just doesn’t feel good anymore, but of course I will continue the description of my itinerary later. Actually I was writing about planning. And planning, good planning, happy planning, relates to this trip, so that is why I (also) wanted to write about this trip. As I reached all my goals, or virtually all my goals during this trip, and I wanted to know how I did that, as in real life things seem to be so hard and impossible, where during this trip everything went smooth, even though often I was still scared and anxious, especially when I thought of my next destination, how I would get there and if there would be a place to sleep, a place to stay. And amazingly, or maybe not so amazing, there was always a place to stay, always a place to sleep, always transportation. And there were always people, helpful people. And even more amazing, none of my fears came true, literally none. Or maybe one or two did, but solutions were available, and the found solutions for the fears that came true were even better or at least as good as my original goal or plan.

So yes, this trip was (also) about fear, about conquering my fears. And as said NONE of those fears became reality in a way that was scary or something. NONE.

Unexpected Baguio

So I wanted to travel the unusual road and I did. And more and more miracles seem to come my way as I ended up in the weirdest place I could have ever imagined. And I probably won’t even see Baguio City itself as I just figured out it would take too much time to pass by there from here

Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café.
Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café

So where is here? Here is Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café, an establishment just outside Bauko on the road to Bontoc. And why weird? Well, life seems to stop here at six pm. And I did not really know what to expect, but not a place and a road so quiet as this, especially not on an area I considered a tourist area.

Bauko to Bontoc road.
The road that is quiet after 6 pm

And again kind of a placeholder to be continued, but I want to catch the moment.

Self analysis, question 41

Hmm, interesting question today: “Does your occupation inspire you with faith and hope”? And the answer is yes and no as I have always, or at least mostly, worked with pleasure, but in the end most of the work I did was not appreciated by bosses or customers.

And I am still working, still trying to make things work, still trying to find something that satisfies me and others, but until now it seems I have not really succeeded with that.

And yes, somehow I have faith and hope that it will work out one day. As the founder of Dropbox said: “You only have to be right once”.