Tag Archives: Understanding

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.

The love of God

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I recently started a post A loving Higher Power. And maybe I better continue extending and improving that post, but somehow I wanted to start from scratch again as I am struggling so much with ‘Love’.

And today or yesterday the definition as given in The Matrix came back to my mind. It was said by, well, I forgot the name, but I will put later. The guy from the Machine World that Neo meets in the railway station. Found it: Rama Kandra.

Ah, and I feel so restless, not really in the mood of writing. But I also know writing is good for me. And so many things to do…

And it is a few days after I started this post now. And I just had a phone call with my mom in which she told me what she put on the grave of my dad: “God is love”. Not sure why she mentioned it and she did not know why she put it. She said it just came to here to put that.

And that brings me back to writing here, as this page is exactly about that. And I guess it cannot be coincidence that she mentioned it, even though I mentioned to her about my struggle with ‘love’ in relation to God, in relation to Higher Power.

And I thought I put a link to ‘Love’ as written about in Wikipedia, but apparently I didn’t. Or I did somewhere else. And this may be an important paragraph about it in Wikipedia:

Ancient Greek philosophers identified four forms of love: essentially, familial love (in Greek, storge), friendly love (philia), romantic love (eros), and divine love (agape). Modern authors have distinguished further varieties of love: infatuated love, self-love, and courtly love. Non-Western traditions have also distinguished variants or symbioses of these states. Love has additional religious or spiritual meaning. This diversity of uses and meanings combined with the complexity of the feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.

And I remember the word agape mentioned related to the love of God, I think from a religious meeting or attending church. Not much in the article worth copying here though at first sight, so I guess I have to write myself a bit more and/or do some more research.

And I am pretty tired and still kind of upset, as today it was confirmed Iwa, one of my dogs, has a tumor that needs to be treated. And unfortunately the vet is on holiday for two weeks, so I feel pretty stressed and confused, as I am thinking of cancer spreading. And I would like, love(?!) Iwa to stay quite a bit longer, as she is not that old yet.

So yes, I feel like stopping now, need some rest. And yes, I will try to pray, hoping God will cure Iwa. Not easy believing in a loving God with things like this, like sickness and possible death from that.

Absurdity and suicide

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“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy”. This is the beginning of the book “The Myth of Sysiphus” written by Albert Camus.

And I was pointed to it by the start of another book, “The Fabric of the Cosmos” by Brian Greene. I read that book a lot, but I never realized or remembered how it started.

And I don’t feel like writing right now, but I was caught by the phrase “judging whether life is or is not worth living”. As that seems to be the main thing I am struggling with. As life is not worth living to me, at least that is what I have been thinking for a long time, but somehow I am still alive, so apparently life is worth living looking at my actions; or non-action like not having killed myself until now.

Thank You for the pain

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Hi, I am Guus and I am codependent.

I was reading a document called “Boundaries for Codependents“. And I recognized an awful lot of my struggle, of my behavior, or whatever, in it.

And I have been bothered by emotional pain for a long time, and the last months, years, it seemed to get stronger, seemed to get worse. And I did not understand, as I was working so hard in the program of Codependents Anonymous and, after admitting I am depressed, very depressed, even decided to look for professional help, counseling, something I abhorred after kind of having decided quite a while ago to never ever see a psychologist again.

But somehow I must have made the right decision as my counselor sent me this document yesterday, and the document made perfect sense to me.

And while reading I suddenly realized that my body was, and probably is or will, telling me something by increasing the pain level I felt or will probably still feel. As there is definitely something wrong with me, definitely something, or actually a lot, that is wrong in my life that needs to be dealt with.

And while reading the document, that is about something like distorted reactions or feelings or emotions in ‘normal’ situations, it suddenly occurred to me that this pain, this intense, terrible, emotional pain, was just a signal, my body telling me there is something wrong that needs to be dealt with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Listen

So suddenly the pain was not something I just wanted to go away. Suddenly it became a warning signal, an alarm that tried to get my attention by getting slowly stronger and stronger, until I got the message.

As the message seems to be important.

And yes, the pain still lures in the background. And I am scared of it. But the weird thing was that after I acknowledged the warning and decided to do something, like deciding to write this post, this article, the pain suddenly went away. As I just acknowledged it, instead of trying to push it away.

So yes, today I can be grateful for that pain, that slowly increasing, terror like feeling pain. As it was and is just my body telling me there was, and is, something terribly wrong. And looking back the process has been even gentle, as the pain just gradually increased, trying to get noticed, until it got the attention it needed. So the Universe is gentle, can be gentle. We just need to listen.

Tradition eleven

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“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven” and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.