Author Archives: Guus

Exhausted and disappointed

Mmm, this dog thing takes its toll from me and I am not fully sure how these type of things affect my success. As apparently I am very emotional and cannot control my emotions in situations like this, like when a dog is sick, life threatening sick.

Also some positive things today, as I found some solution related to my anger and fear of my God, resulting a a real and honest prayer asking if Ulla could stay at least a little bit longer with us. And somehow the prayer was answered as Ulla didn’t puke anymore today, even though I am still very scared she can’t keep the food in or the food might not be processed further down her digestive system.

At the end of the day a pretty devastating message from a friend of mine who wants to stop participating in the DoctorsConnect project. And two other team members not replying to my request to confirm a meeting tomorrow, something they also didn’t do before.

And thinking about being responsible as a leader for the mistakes of the followers the last made me feel pretty bad as apparently my skills for leading a team, or maybe just letting them do what I want them to do, don’t seem to have improved yet.

But while writing the above I am asking myself if it is really a (my?) mistake people not wanting to participate in my project. I mean, what is the mistake here? Yes, I was apparently not able to induce these people in participating, so that may be a mistake. But having a team with people who don’t want to go for it is probably certainly not a good solution either.

Anyhow, I feel a little like ‘back to square one’, something my original team member mentioned last week to me.

And asking myself if really all projects start like this, with people backing out, dropping out, before really taking off.

Or just be courageous and just continue, no matter what?

Happy and grateful

Leave a reply

Strange to start this post with the title Happy and grateful as it is very rare that I feel happy and/or grateful and one of our dogs is still with the vet as she is very sick and may not even survive her illness. But part of my happiness is related to the dog being sick and me spending quite some time this afternoon with her as I am very affected with these kind of things and it is very hard for me to put my mind to something else if something emotional is going on in my life, like a dog who has been with us for around ten years and who is very sick.

So sitting with Ulla this afternoon for quite a long time made me feel a bit stupid, as who is going to spend so much time with just a sick dog who is taken care of very well by the vet and the staff at the vet. But it gave me quite some time to contemplate about that and I realized that it is just part of me being affected so much with something like this and having difficulty to put my mind somewhere else. So I was just doing the right thing, as I had some time in my planning left and didn’t want to go home and didn’t have anywhere else to go, so what would be the best place to be? Well, with the sick dog of course, so I could also check how she was doing. And I was thinking about Napoleon Hill and the ideas of being affected by opinions of others and I was indeed realizing that my main concern was the opinion of the vet, presuming she was thinking that this crazy stupid emotional foreigner was so crazy spending hours with his dog.

And I realized that I just presumed she was thinking that and I may be pretty wrong with that. So it may have just been my own thoughts putting this negative idea in my mind, even possibly putting something fully wrong in my mind. And the next thing I realized that I and only I can and could decide how to spend my time best. And that I was just there for all the right reasons as I didn’t want to go home anymore and might as well spend my time with the dog as anywhere else. So I was there for all the right reasons, no matter what anybody else would think. It was fully logical, even if other people probably wouldn’t understand. As they didn’t know my reasoning and my planning and the way I am built.

So yes, I was kind of happy having learned to being not so much affected by the opinions by others anymore, even though of course I still had the feeling a bit of feeling stupid. So yes, there is some gratefulness there also, as this realization made me feel grateful.

The thing that really made me grateful though was an e-mail I just received, an e-mail giving me a way out of a very important issue, giving me a gentle way out of a very large mistake I made quite some time ago, a mistake that was bothering me a lot as the consequences didn’t seem to go away, consequences that could have a large effect on my life.

And I felt especially grateful that somehow things seem to turn around, that somehow slowly good is coming to me where I had so many bad years.

Learning from mistakes

Leave a reply

Ulla Today was a very emotional day for me, as one of our dogs was (and is) very sick and I was quite affected with it and didn’t know what to do. And there is quite some history to this, as quite some years ago I was confronted with a very sick also and I felt wrongly advised by the vet, resulting in a dead dog, a dead puppy of maybe 2 or 3 months old. And I was very angry with the vet, as they hadn’t advised me properly, and if they would have, the dog might not have died.

So I saw myself confronted with another dog with a similar problem, not being able to keep any food or fluids in her stomach, which was the same problem the other dog had, and not really knowing what other vet to go to, as somehow this is still ‘our’ vet and probably still the best known vet in Cagayan de Oro City.

And I don’t have any money and we don’t have a car, so it’s a lot of hassle to bring a sick Rottweiler to a vet. And she really looked sick and she is already something like ten years old, so last night I kind of gave up on her already and was wondering if I would see her alive this morning. But she was still alive tonight and even moved to another place a few meters away while she could hardly walk and she looked pretty okay this morning (see photo). And she still tried to eat, although she didn’t want to drink anymore, but it was very frustrating to see that it all came out again. Somehow here digestive system couldn’t process it anymore.

So this morning I felt pretty bad and didn’t know what to do and I had no feeling whatsoever of Infinite Intelligence or God or a hunch or whatever one might look for when one is lost, so I just waited and lie a bit on the couch and just checked on the dog again and again not knowing what to do, basically waiting for her to die.

And yes, I was kind of sending prayers out to God or The Universe or whatever to give me some answer, as I really didn’t know what to do and had no feeling about it. And no, no answer came.

Until, somehow I posted a message in Facebook (with above photo) sharing my feeling of being lost an confused, not expecting anything.

And then, somehow my prayer was answered. As when I checked later I saw the post got quite some comments, some of them urging me to go to a vet NOW. And I didn’t get the answer fully yet, as I asked for help, help that didn’t really come in the form of someone offering to bring me to the vet in his or her car.

And then, somehow I went to Ulla and saw her eat the baby food we gave her again and again, trying to somehow keep it inside, which she didn’t manage. And then I knew it was time to move, indeed get a taxi and just bring her to the vet to figure out what was wrong with her, as somehow she hadn’t given up on herself, where I was not sure whether to give up or not.

And looking back it was indeed some inspired answer, something Infinite Intelligence, as I just knew what to do and that it was the right thing. And indeed, as indicated in Law of Attraction stuff, somehow things started to move by themselves. I informed the vet she didn’t need to come to the house anymore, which I had requested before, but what didn’t happen. And apparently for a reason, as looking back I would have needed to go down to the city anyhow. And a taxi was quickly found and soon we were on the way to the vet. And the vet just did her job and analyzed what was going on and sent us out for x-rays (strange, didn’t know that was also done with dogs). And everybody was just helpful and tried to figure out what was (and maybe still is) wrong with her. And I also knew I had to leave her behind, something I kind of dreaded, as with the other dog the next day I just had to pick up a dead dog and had to pay a pretty large bill.

And it was relatively easy to do all those things and to trust all those people and Ulla also seemed to know, as even on the x-ray table she wiggled her tail and seemed pretty okay. And it was strange to see and know that the helper of the vet still knows Ulla and he just joined us to the x-ray venue and carried Ulla on his own (as I try to avoid carrying because of my back injury and our helper that I asked to join seemed not needed for carrying her).

And the hardest part, leaving Ulla behind, as I wanted her to be on IV, wasn’t as hard as I expected and Ulla seemed pretty okay in the cage alone with the other dogs. And no, of course this may not end good like her having a real big problem with her intestines, or she may just die tonight. But the last I doubt as she is looked in pretty good shape and alive, especially after receiving the IV fluids, contrary to the other dog, but everything just felt right.

And this all made me think of learning from mistakes, one of the self analysis questions, and I think I learned a lot, even though I thought I was making the same mistake again. But I didn’t, as this time I didn’t wait so long before taking charge. And I shared with other people what was going on. And I took responsibility for all the decisions I made (and didn’t and probably won’t blame the vet for anything).

So of course I don’t know if Ulla is going to be okay again, I mean she is getting old and she is still pretty sick and weak. But I doubt she is going to die in the clinic as she looked quite okay when I left and I am determined that if she is going to die she will die at home.

Self analysis, question 43

Leave a reply

Interesting question today: “Does your religion help you to keep your own mind positive?” as I don’t consider myself religious anymore, but I grew up as a protestant Christian and I believe most of our culture is defined by Christianity.

So does my religion help to keep my own mind positive? Well, certainly not, as I believe more and more that this father like figure I grew up with, this old men with a great beard on the pulpit condemning all human sins is still there and is judging all my actions, including not fitting in in society meaning I have problems earning and having a decent love and sex life.

So I left my religion as it didn’t suit me anymore, but somehow I still carry it with me and it certainly doesn’t help to keep my mind positive as all I feel is guilt and shame, guilt for the things I did wrong and ashamed towards other people that I don’t meet the requirements of ‘the world’, of reality.

So interesting what is going on here as it calls for questions why I still stick with that religion and how would or could I find another one that would help me to keep my mind positive. But I have been searching a lot and until now I couldn’t find one, although Napoleon HIll‘s philosophy helped me a lot I guess the last few years but is also letting me down lately as I feel very down and inadequate as I still didn’t achieve the things I wanted.

So new plans? Or are the plans I put into motion already adequate to bring me where I want to be?

Well, time will tell, but at the moment I am very down, even though I made quite some progress with my DoctorsConnect project, especially today as I finished an initial version of my pitch document for investors.

So well, if you want to invest one and a half million pesos and have some decent return after one year please let me know. And that reminds me of the pastor in Think and Grow Rich who needed a million dollars and got it as he decided to get it.

And somehow I decided to get this money within the month, so let’s see. Maybe someone reading this would be willing to join and invest one and a half million pesos which is about USD 35,000.00, which is not that much I guess.