Tag Archives: God

A loving Higher Power

I am attending meetings of Twelve Step programs and I think until now my biggest struggle is the concept of a loving Higher Power, with emphasis on the word loving. As in my experience God is not loving, in my experience God is punishing, implementing some law I have to follow. And I think I wrote about this struggle before, although I am not fully sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog.

Loving Higher PowerKeep in mind that I make a big presumption in the above paragraphs as I somehow replace “Loving Higher Power” with “God”, where in the program “Higher Power” is not necessarily God or a god. And “God” in the program is definitely not the God from the bible, the God I grew up with and somehow still believe in. No, it is “a God of my understanding”, which indeed in my case is kind of the God I grew up with, the punishing God, the God of Law.

And interesting, while searching for an image of a loving Higher Power I ended up in the page http://ohmygodlife.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-your-higher-power/, a page dealing exactly with what I am talking about here.

Ah, and I am still so tired. Yes, from all the things I believe my Higher Power, God, wants from me. As I have to do God’s will, which is tiring for me. Yes, that is another struggle for me, doing God’s will. As God mostly seems to want something else than I want. And as I don’t like that I keep struggling, and yes, trying to do my own will. And of course I can never win that fight, as God is more powerful than I am. Or isn’t He?

It is okay to beat myself up…

I am still searching for a loving Higher Power and found this: Finding Loving Higher Power.

What struck me right now were the statements “It’s okay to beat myself up” and “It’s okay to isoloate”.

Strange, how that just gave me freedom. Same like I just drank quite a bit as I needed, wanted it, just get a bit drunk. And no, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, so no real problem, but still, of course it is, as I was and am trying to numb myself from the pain, the pain that Iwa is sick, that Iwa has tumor. So hard to accept. Where is the love here?


It seems I am still in a big struggle with life, with God. And I really don’t know what to do anymore. And yes, it is all about needs, mainly sexual needs and financial needs. And I think financial needs only represent other needs, sexual needs are the hardest for me to deal with. As to have my sexual needs fulfilled I need another person; or at least I prefer to have sex with another person, as in my memory sex with another person is so much more than masturbating and/or watching porn and such.

Lee and GuusAnd I did not want to write about sex or sexual needs. I wanted to write about why my life is not working. Or at least I have the feeling my life is not working. But while writing I think unfulfilled sexual needs are my main problem. And that problem seems to be impossible to solve. As my partner does not want to have sex with me. And I want to be in a monogamous relationship; I only want to have sex with him. So I feel so much trapped; I have somehow trapped myself in some kind of impossible situation by setting some rules about what I want and need.

And yes, my escape when my sexual needs are not fulfilled is internet, internet sex and things like that. And I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but sometimes I just feel drawn into it. It seems sexual urge is so strong that even(?!) I cannot resist it’s force.

And yes, I know I ‘should‘ talk about this with Lee, not write about it here. Yes, maybe this is an escape from really confronting the issue. Anyhow, let’s see where this goes. And strange I use the word should here. I am so much trying to avoid that, as it implies wrong and mostly it is easily replaced with ‘could’.

Or maybe I ‘should‘ just scream out loud here that I love him and want to be with him, no matter what. I have the feeling I never did that, at least not in the right way and in the right place or places. And who would be a better person than me to be with him, as I believe he cherishes monogamous relationship as much as I do, or maybe even more. And to me that is the most important thing in a lovers type relationship. And it is not easy finding people, especially gay people, wanting a monogamous relationship, or managing and able to maintain that. And no, I did not maintain it either. After years and years without sex and Lee being away for long times, also years, I finally decided to start dating almost two years ago. And yes, a few of those dates resulted in sleeping with someone and one even in really having sex. So I broke my own rules, I could not wait anymore. And I am still kind of breaking those rules, as I keep looking around, flirting, and using porn and sex chat and more to somehow deal with that sexual urge that seems so strong, unmanageable strong. But yes, for now I stopped the actual sex, meeting people, even though I have never really entertained that, except looking for love, a new lover.

And I guess the main reason for writing this article is that two days ago Lee kind of ‘caught me in the act’ of watching porn on the internet and having a sex chat with someone. I felt so bad as I know he hates that part of me. And I hate that part of me too, as ‘just having sex’ is so ‘not me’. But yes, somehow that internet stuff just happens to me. Like two days ago I just couldn’t sleep and I thought masturbating might make it easier for me to fall asleep.

And this post is not going the direction I want it to, so right now I am even wondering if I ‘should’ post it. But yes, sex and sexual urge, sexual need seems to still be such a taboo, that it may just be wise or right to indeed write an publish a post like this. Or isn’t it a taboo (anymore)? I know most younger people I am in contact with are much easier about it. Or maybe people were already easier with it than I am long time ago, when I was looking for sex, looking for a relationship after coming out, mainly in bars.

I am crying right now, as this issue seems to be so old, so much part of my life, and yes, having caused me soooooo much pain. I just wanted to love someone, yes, including the sexual part, the sex. Always, that never changed. And looking back on my life that never really happened. Yes, I fell in love, a lot, resulting in a relationship twice. But then in the relationship the sex died, both my partners didn’t want to have sex with me anymore after a while. And to me it is so much part of a relationship, the sex. It is the only thing that distinguishes a relationship from friendship for me. As I can do many things with friends, indeed, even sharing a house or a room or something. But I only want to have sex with my lover, my partner.

Wow, it seems this is the first time I want to write a structured article, a well written article. So maybe I will do. But that is not easy, as so many things are related to this subject, to my struggle, with life and with sex.

And yes, about a week ago I decided to change my tactic related to my way of finding some kind of way dealing with my sexual needs. I decided to try to love that part of me, that part that tries to find satisfaction on the internet, where the person I love and I want as my lover and partner is not available. And where real life sex is too dangerous to me with the risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease as I don’t like using condoms. I want to be free, feel free, expressing my sexuality. And the idea to better love myself instead of hate myself for that part comes from a tape from Louise Hay I regularly listen to, the idea that I can decide that I am okay as I am, that I am not a bad person doing things I don’t like to do or don’t want to do, and still do.

So yes, I hate that part of me satisfying my sexual needs in internet ways when my preferred way or ways are not available so much. And I am trying to love that part of me, or at least accept that part of me, but that has not proven to be easy, as my idea of how my love life is supposed to be is so specifically related to being in a monogamous relationship with one person, yes, preferably lifetime.

Ah, it seems so much is coming together in this article, in this post. My whole spiritual journey is in my mind now, but I have no clue how to share that, how to make you part of it. And yes, it seems it all starts with beliefs and family systems. And about validating those beliefs, and changing them according to our needs, according to who we are.

And yes, I will try to restructure this post and make it more readable, make it more useful to you, to my reader. Just know that for now it is just helping me to organize my thought. Yes, writing helps, maybe better in a journal, but for me it seems also important to share them in public.

In His image

I am still struggling with the Christian belief, with believing in an almighty God. As why would God let (many of) us suffer so much. I still can’t believe a loving God, as God is presented to me on many occasions, would not give everybody everything he or she would want or need.

"NiceIt also does not match the “in His image”, as if we are made in the image of God, God must have the same doubts, the same struggles, and maybe the same need for love as we have. So yes, maybe we are here on this earth to understand God, understand his struggles and dilemma’s. And indeed, maybe we are here to learn to love, to love ourselves. As God may indeed also not love himself, may not be perfect, may feel He is not good enough, like many or most or maybe even all of us feel to some degree.

And I am struggling as many of my prayers are not answered yet. Yes, many are also, or at least I am on the road to some of my major prayers, some of my major requests, becoming reality. Still, my last and I guess pretty urgent prayer to supply some money, to make sure I can eat next week and we can pay our bills, would be nice to have answered.

And yes, I still have money, still have some savings, but I want to stick to my budget agreement with my partner, stick to the budget we agreed.

And yes, I think prayers were we somehow put God or the Universe to the test don’t work, are not being answered. But isn’t that a bit unfair? Like we really have to do it right, or else…

And that is also what I am struggling with. As the bible is somehow full of threats, where the major threat is to burn eternally in hell if we don’t live up to something as stated in the bible, like believing in Jesus Christ.

I used to think hell is here on earth, or heaven. Like if you live in a certain way you live in heaven or in hell.

Not sure what I want or wanted to achieve with this post. I only know that it is very difficult to believe in a loving God if so many wants and needs are not being taken care of. And in my case I am still very blessed, as I still live in a very nice and big house and until today I always had enough to eat and was even mostly able to buy snacks on the way in the city or just for at home.

But no, I did not have a good love life most of my life. That is something that hurts and bothers me a lot, as I consider love life still to be a human need. And most of my life I was not able to earn a decent income, not able to take care of myself financially. That also hurts a lot.

And yes, I am learning that I am powerless in some kind of way over many things. That indeed I am not in charge, that someone or something else is in charge for what is happening in my life, in life. And yes, somehow I have power, but it seems to be very limited in the end. As I still really don’t know what to do to earn some (decent) income. And I still really don’t know what to do to create a satisfying love life for myself.

So what does this mean, this “in His image”? Does God feel the same? And does He want to be understood, and yes, loved? I guess so. As it must be pretty lonely to be God. And not easy to love yourself.

Tradition eleven

“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven”  and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

  • Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
  • The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
  • As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
  • Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
  • Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
  • My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
  • Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.

God and Gratitude and Success

For quite a while I want to start writing here, but I couldn’t find the power (strength?) for it. I guess the main reason was and is that I am, or at least feel, completely unsuccessful. Actually my situation got worse, at least financially, at least that is how it feels. And no, I am not fully sure, as I still have quite a lot of capital invested, e.g. in The Malasag House. And I am or was still not able to get enough or more clients, and my dog training start up appears to not have been successful also. I thought finally God gave me something that worked, that I could put myself into and be successful with, but no.

And even money was stolen from my Savings Box, finally even the whole box was gone. I still don’t know exactly was the message of that. Yes, be careful with money, keep it safe and guarded. I now remember Napoleon Hill wrote something about that in Think and Grow Rich, that people do anything for money. So apparently they do. And to me it was not even money, it was just a symbol how you can create a lot over time from virtually nothing. But apparently it was not ‘nothing’ anymore. And of course it was ‘money’ for other people. And yes, of course also for me, as I wanted to use the money to buy a new Rottweiler.

So what made me write today? Well, I guess the progress I made through my Twelve Step Program, the results from that even. And somehow it seems to all go back to Infinite Intelligence and ‘go with the flow’. And a main keyword seems to be gratitude, be grateful.

I guess it all started to be more positive when I got a Rottweiler for free last week; yes, for free. And the strange thing is that I prayed for that ‘a Rottweiler for free’. And I lost my belief in God, the God from the bible, long time ago, but recently I started praying, started praying again, yes, somehow to that God. And amazingly last week I got a Rottweiler for free. (Of course) there was some kind of catch, but nonetheless, who gets a Rottweiler for free? And I am not even sure if I asked for it or told anybody related to Arf, the Rottweiler I got. So it was really a miracle, a Rottweiler offered to me.

Another thing I started more serious with recently was keeping a gratitude diary. I did that before, but this time I decided to write five things I am grateful for every day in a diary every night before I go to sleep. It was a suggestion from my sponsor and at first I was very skeptical and hesitant, but she kept insisting ‘just do it’, so somehow I did it, no, not believing at first.

But somehow it started to work and I have indeed no clue how. Somehow I started becoming more grateful for things even during daytime, no matter what ‘bad’ things are happening to me, with me. And against what I was expecting, like that I was forcing it, I can really be grateful for almost anything, in any circumstance. As I am starting to see there are always things I can be grateful for. Like even things that I was able to just eat or that I still live in a beautiful house (even though I can’t really afford it at the moment and it is kind of falling apart due to lack of maintenance). But the house is still there and the view is still beautiful, even one of the most beautiful views in the world, and it is just a functioning house, no matter the state of maintenance.

Or that I can still buy snacks in the city, just a drink or a candy bar or something. Or just go to McDonalds and treat myself eating out, not cooking myself. Or indeed things that I can still breathe; and that the air I breathe is free. And I don’t mean the last one as corny, I can really feel that, mean that.

And amazingly, apparently linked to being more grateful (instead of complaining), more good things seem to come to me. Like I was introduced to some religious fellowship and there is just food available, food for free. And I don’t mean to take advantage of that, but financially I am very tight, so I just accept it as, indeed, a gift of God, not a gift from people. And of course I hope one day I can do for other people what people are doing for me right now, but it doesn’t feel like abuse or something to me right now, where before it would.

So praying and being grateful somehow seem to work. And no, don’t ask me how, but apparently it does. I guess I am just more open to everything, to the Universe (or God) working in ways I don’t understand, never could imagine. And that is something I also learned from my Twelve Step Program, something like ‘it works’ (or it doesn’t). I don’t need to understand why something is working or not working. I can just accept it, also accepting I don’t know everything, don’t have all the answers, something that was, and kind of still is, very difficult for me to accept, as I don’t understand it. And my analytical mind wants to understand everything, control everything. But indeed, somehow we are not in control, somehow there is a God, or an Infinite Intelligence, that is working in different ways than I as a human can understand.

So yes, I want to suggest to start to be grateful, start trying to find (five) things to be grateful for every day and write them down. And start praying, praying to whatever Higher Power makes sense to you, whatever Higher Power you can somehow find some belief in if you don’t believe in God or something.

As that is what I am learning, seeing and believing more and more. That there must be something bigger than what we humans are. There must be, as there are things outside of us out of our control.