Tag Archives: Self analysis

Self analysis, question 30

I was in doubt whether I would still do my daily post stuff today after going out with a friend. But somehow what he said stimulated me to turn on my computer half an hour ago and still send my daily quote and update my gratitude diary and write here right now.

So let’s see what today’s self analysis question is. And it is “Are you easily influenced by others, against your own judgement?. And the first thing that comes into my mind is that I am easily influenced by my partner against my own judgement, but that in general I am not easily influence by others. But straight away this puts the question if this is true, as if I am influenced by my partner against my own judgment, couldn’t it be true that this also happens to me with other people?

So why am I doing it? Well, I guess in the first place to gain his love. And second because I want to avoid his anger, avoid things breaking.

And I know this is not healthy, that I should stand up. But some how I can’t, somehow I don’t.

So am I also doing this with other people, in other situations?

Something to watch I guess.

And also better find a way to change it. As it’s not healthy.

Self analysis, question 29

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Tired and my head full of co-pilots crashing planes. Sad, but pilots are also human, so these things can happen. And still weird CNN puts so much attention to something like a plane crash where ‘only’ one hundred fifty people died. And even three presidents went to the crash site. What makes us so focused on incidents like this where other things like just traffic causes so many more deaths and injuries? And what about war? Or illness like cancer or heart disease? And I know news is just news, more like show, but do you know, do most people know?

Anyhow, let’s go to today’s self analysis question: “What do you value most, your material possessions, or your privilege of controlling your own thoughts?”.

And this is a bit a weird question to me as what does hanging on to material things or striving to have them to do with controlling your thoughts? I mean, I don’t get the relation between the two.

But if I have to answer it I guess I value my material possessions most as I really hang on to my house, even though I can’t really afford it as of the moment which puts my conscience in jeopardy as I don’t want to be in debt but don’t want to lose the house also.

And controlling my thoughts is still hard for me in the sense that I can’t manage to keep my thoughts positive. As yesterday I read again about the positive and negative emotions and I noticed that my thoughts, my emotions are mostly negative, like being scared and worried and ashamed, feeling scared, worried and ashamed.

And thinking further, I miss material things so much as of the moment that I would kind of give anything to achieve some more material wealth, so I might give up the privilege of controlling my own thoughts, even though again I don’t see the relation between the two.

So today I am a bit lost, but yes, I do hang on to material things and I don’t know how to control my thoughts.

Self analysis, question 28

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Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?

Finding weaknesses

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I was very down this morning, mainly triggered by an e-mail I received yesterday, an e-mail with an attachment I was too scared to open. And with in mind that with that kind of state of mind I wouldn’t go anywhere I just decided to wait, do nothing, based on the ideas of the Law of Attraction. But as a human is not built for doing nothing finally I decided to play the mp3 version of the CD about guided breathing from Allan Sweeney (not sure if the CD on that page is the same as my mp3 file) I once found. And normally I follow the instructions on that CD, but this time I mainly bobbed along just listening to it as I know it has a calming effect on me.

And amazingly, from my earlier state of mind, listening to the CD calmed me quite a bit, even so much that after that I started reading again in Think and Grow Rich, something that often helps me get going again. And I ended up at the end of the last chapter, the chapter about the Six Ghosts of Fear, as that is what I am working on right now. And reading that I was thinking about the results of the self analysis I have been working on for the last weeks here in public. As I understand the purpose of the self analysis, the self analysis questions is to find weaknesses and cure them. And that is something I didn’t really work on until now I think. And it is something about controlling your mind and I still didn’t master that.

But still, how to get from a negative mindset to a positive? And how to get from negative circumstances to positive circumstances? And how to shield your mind from negative influences, either by yourself or by others?

Maybe I should just set that as some goal in my daily planning, to write about that, do something about that. What about you?

Self analysis, question 26

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The question

So yesterday I started the overview of self analysis questions. And I am getting more and more amazed how many self analysis questions there are and it seems I am not even half way. Today’s question is an interesting one: “Do you suffer from any of the Six Basic Fears? If so, which ones?”.

The Six Basic Fears

And right now I don’t even know what the six basic fears actually are, so let’s list them first:

The fear of poverty.
The fear of criticism.
The fear of ill health.
The fear of loss of love of someone.
The fear of old age.
The fear of death.

The fear of poverty

And of course I know I suffer from the fear of poverty. Just read my posts and the rest of this site and you will read about my struggle with poverty. And somehow I got less scared of it as I have more and more the feeling I have nothing to lose anymore. Or actually it’s not that, it’s just that I am getting more and more numb of having borrowed so much that I have no clue to ever pay it back, at least if I stay in this house. The last is also not true though anymore as I have quite some faith that my latest project will pull me out of poverty, bring me riches. So yes, I certainly suffer from the fear of poverty, a lot even.

The fear of criticism

And I am not sure if I suffer so much of the fear of criticism, even though I know now that most of the things I do are because I don’t want to offend other people, am scared of their anger and/or disapproval. So I guess I am suffering from the fear of criticism, even though I am working to be less affected by it, have my own opinion and stand for it. So yes, I guess I suffer from the fear of criticism, probably more than I would want to or think.

The fear of ill health

And after having had a pretty serious accident and getting older I am starting to get some fear about ill health. A bit strange, as I have always been pretty healthy, except for my hay fever. And I never believed older people when they indicated your body changes, can’t do so much anymore, but being fifty one now I must admit it is true, no matter what I believe or want to believe. So yes, also this fear applies to me.

The fear of loss of love of someone

The fear of loss of love of someone is a hard one for me as I am trying to keep my relationship going even though it doesn’t bring me what I want and need. As I keep hoping that with patience and persistence things will work out in the and, but it is starting to last very long now. And I read hope, which I seem to have exchanged for belief right now. So let’s go back to belief and then I’m quite sure it will work out in the end. So is the fear of loss of someone applicable to me? Very much I guess.

The fear of old age

I never had really fear of old age, but being fifty one and not having achieved what I had expected to achieve, not having done what I wanted to do makes me fear there are things I can’t do anymore. The book Think and Grow Rich helped and helps me deal with this a lot, but yes, somehow I am suffering from the fear of old age, although it is more related to ill health, like not being able to do things anymore, especially physically, than fear of old age.

The fear of death

And the fear of death is a hard one as often I want to die, or actually don’t want to live anymore. As I didn’t kill myself until now I guess I suffer from the fear of death, even though it is more like being too scared of the pain when a suicide attempt would not succeed. So it is not so much the fear of death I am suffering from, but more the fear of pain. And this paragraph makes me think, as who wants to die? But my life has been so full of suffering, I tried so hard and it didn’t work out, that indeed I’d rather not have lived as I believe life should be enjoyed, not endured.

And yes, somehow I also enjoy life as I learned more than most people I guess, especially the last few years when I felt really poor, so poor that I feel I can’t move, I can’t live (as I am merely surviving).

Conclusion

And I want to conclude this post that the question of today makes me think, think how I improved a lot related to fear, to the fears mentioned. And that indeed came all from reading this single book: Think and Grow Rich.

So thank you, Napoleon Hill. You are still giving me the courage to move on, to try to get to a better life, to try to get the riches I am looking for and need, the riches probably everybody is looking for and needs.