Author Archives: Guus

Lessons in love

“All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them; could be better, should be better; lessons in love“. That was the song I just played. And I don’t know exactly why. I just like the song, the melody and never really thought about the text.

And while playing it, as my partner left around a week ago very angry and didn’t come back yet, I was wondering, am still wondering what it is that makes love, especially love in a love type relationship, so hard, at least to me, and obviously to my partner. But I know that I’m not the only one, as most relationships I know a bit more about, like the relationship of my parents, are not that easy and certainly mostly not ‘loving’.

And I thought a lot about what is happening with me, with me and my partner, with my relationship. And I can’t figure out what to do different to make it better, to make it a joyful, loving and powerful relationship. And yes, somehow I know I am pleasing my partner too much. But how can you please someone ‘too much’, especially if it is your partner, the person who is closest to you, the person you want to share your life with, the person you want to build a life together with, the person you have built a life together with.

And it feels like it’s all about my partner, that he is ‘wrong’. But observing him and listening to him he must feel the same way, as he always tells me I am wrong. So are we feeling and thinking the same, just blaming each other? And where are the good times, the times when we just met, the years after, the years we were building?

And they say you can only change yourself. But, and I wrote about that before I guess, ‘I have to change’ implies something like I’m not good enough. And again, that is the same I think about my partner, as I want him to change, so somehow I’m implying he’s not good enough.

But wait, that’s not true. I love my partner how he is, for who he is. Or not, as I’m not happy? And what is it exactly what I want? Yeah, well, have a relationship as I always had it in mind, like the sexual thing, the hugging and kissing and the warmth of holding each other at night. And the sex of course, like a few times a week, or per month if I’m not in the mood. And building something together, a house, a household, travel together, have holidays together. And I thought that’s also what he wanted, but looking back of course I never really asked him that. But we did those things together. And it was not all perfect, but we did. And we even started a business together. But then things started to go ‘wrong’, in business. And then the money was gone and we couldn’t move anymore. And then he withdrew from everything, blaming me for everything that went wrong.

And I guess I was to blame, I was responsible, especially when looking back, now, I realize more of that, of my mistakes and my responsibility in what went wrong. But I still don’t understand why I need to take all the blame. And I don’t understand why he stopped helping, supporting, finding ways, finding money, finding customers. Or maybe I do, knowing him, his character a bit more now.

So yes, maybe that is the answer, that I need to take charge, that I need to do ‘everything’. As he just can’t, just can’t seem to handle all of this, all that went wrong the last few years business wise, money wise. And even for me it was hard, it still is hard. But somehow I will keep moving, no matter what. And so maybe somehow he can’t.

But not easy, as I need so much his love, his sex. That would make things, make life so much easier for me (and for the both of us I think). But somehow he can’t, it seems, it must be.

And giving up, leaving? No, that’s no option. As I still believe in lifetime relationship in “until death do us part”, no matter what. As we both deserve a happy love and sex life, a happy relationship.

What about you?

Setback

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I feel like I’m in a bit of setback. Yes, my life has been continuously improving since my deepest down about one and a half year ago. And yes, I have learned new skills like planning and decision making and discipline. But I still don’t feel inspired, I still don’t feel passion. I’m just leading my life and everything seems to be grey. And yes, I guess I mentioned it before, it still feels that ‘life’ has beaten every (self) inspiration, every passion out of me. Too many things have happened that didn’t work out. Too many things that feel so natural to me didn’t come true, I was not able to achieve. And yes, in the end that all boils down to relationship and sex, to be with another person. As that has always been my biggest dream, that has always been the thing I wanted most. But the only problem seems to be that you need another person for that to happen. And yes, I had two relationships, or actually I am still in one, so I still have a relationship. But somehow my desire, my need seems to stand in the way to happy and fulfilling relationship for me and my partner. At least that is my perception right now. And it reminds me of the definite purpose of my mam as she wanted to have children. And her focus is on children, on her children, always. So maybe there are answers there, as I am one of those children, so I know what it is if someone has put his or her definite purpose on someone else. As my focus is on my partner, possibly in a similar way.

But no, I don’t feel like continuing this now. I have to stop, I have to do something else. It’s just too late and I don’t feel like writing a large, complicated post right now. So I’ll stop now and finish this later.

It’s not good enough

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I still suffer from something like “it’s not good enough”. But it seems I’m working on overcoming that, as today I told myself that some of the things that felt like not being good enough indeed were good enough. Maybe even better than anybody could expect. So I guess it was good enough, as again I did everything I planned for today, even fully finished my to do list, which is basically my planning. But I don’t want to talk about that more today, although when I started this site, this blog, I did research and also ended up in a site that deals with “I’m not good enough”: the site of Morty Lefkoe. And I did the ‘free’ belief elimination a long time ago and I thought it was pretty amazing, so I can certainly recommend that. And no, I didn’t add an affiliate code in the link, even though I think I have one somewhere. As that’s not how I want to receive.

So yes, slowly I am beginning to believe that I am good enough, that I am doing enough every day. And with all the little things I started I somehow made a lot of progress in being more self confident. And that’s what I wanted to share today, some of the little things I did over the last one and a half years, learned from all kinds of sites and books:

I make the bed every day. Yes, literally every day. And yes, I think I skipped once or twice because I was not at home or something, but even if I’m somewhere else I’ll still do it. And sometimes I do it late at night, not long before going to bed. But I will still do it. And looking back this must have been the basis for increased discipline. And it has learned me more about how habits work.
A second thing I started some time ago was putting one peso (PHP) in a small container. And to not let me or someone else use it when not really necessary I put a small note in it, on top of the coins saying “Please do not touch until the right time”. And the strange thing is that I started this when I had virtually no money at all. And another strange thing is that I never used it, even though sometimes it’s tempting to just get some change or something. Even more strange is that this small container is overflowing right now, so I’ll have to look for a bigger container, and that where I somehow over time decided to put ten pesos every day instead of one peso. So maybe the right time will never come, although today I used my container with coins to explain something to someone who said he couldn’t do something because he had no money.
A third thing I did, also quite some time ago, was to stick to decisions. And I started with small ones, small ones like “Shall I get gasoline at the next gasoline station or do it tomorrow or do it before going home or doing it right now or…”, because I was always scared of not having enough gasoline. As those type of decisions took an awful lot of deliberation and energy which seemed kind of crazy to me as they were just something like ‘non decisions’, completely unimportant, but they took me a lot of energy and time. So I started just making decisions like “I’ll do it tomorrow”, or “I’ll do it at that and that gasoline station” or “I’ll do it at the very first opportunity“. And I stuck to them. And you know what? Driving got much more relaxed and I never stood without gasoline, even though sometimes my home felt like very far away with the gasoline I decided not to get.
And another thing I started to do was making a daily planning, a to do list for one day, sometimes two. And sticking to it, finishing it, no matter what. And that was a big challenge for me, as I used to plan too many things on one day and also at the time I was emotionally very unstable, often leaving me paralyzed, not being able to do anything, literally anything. And the major thing starting it was to just put some very small things on it I was sure I could finish. Sometimes even something like ‘making the bed’ or ‘reading my e-mail’, nothing more. But that was exactly what I wanted to learn: finishing my planning, my to do list.

And of course there are many things on my mind right now, but two thing stand out. The first thing is that I learned to be much more careful with what I planned and how I phrased it. So with my to do list I often state something like ‘maybe do this’ or ‘maybe do that’, especially if it relates to things I need other people for. And the second thing is that I learned that I can really finish the things I planned, the things I decided to do. And it does not matter how small I started with like planning only one day and later a few days ahead. As today I started planning two weeks ahead, for the first time.

So if you have problems doing things, finishing things, my main suggestion is to

Start Small.

As starting with small things you will be able to really do it, really finish it, which in my experience increased my self confidence a lot. And I notice that over time I made things bigger, like going from one peso per day to ten pesos a day. And starting from only making the bed to add some other small things which I was sure I could finish. And from starting a planning in the form of a to do list for one day to extending it to two days and then four days and now two weeks.

So if you are stuck somewhere, being paralyzed or having no money anymore, make sure to start small. But yes, do start.

Responsibility and guilt

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So yesterday I wrote about responsibility and faults. And yes, I started with inspiration and passion. That was even the name I gave the post. And another word that stayed with me since yesterday is guilt. So maybe the question is how to get from faults and guilt to responsibility and maybe from there to passion and inspiration. Or maybe how to go from negative to positive.

And somehow things people said to me in the past stick in my mind. Things like I have a negative life attitude, a negative outlook in life. Or I’m a negative person. And my partner is often annoyed with me because “I’m me”. And I know it’s not true, because if there is one person in the world looking for the good, for the positive, it’s me. So how come my environment, the people in my environment see me different, experience me different? And how do most people experience my partner as positive, as happy, where in private he is very demanding and blames me for everything that is wrong? And where I even experience him as abusive and a very angry person? And I think I am, or at least used to be, the responsible one (in the relationship). Or maybe not, as I gave in too much, way too much.

And one of the reasons why I am where I am is because I believe in the good. I believe that people deep down are all good. Which indeed is often not confirmed with what I experience from people, especially the last few years, mostly in business, but also in private matters. So what makes people ‘bad’ or ‘act bad’? And that reminds me of the movie The Kingdom, that indeed ends with the question “What would you tell your grandson if you were him?”. And yes, the most obvious answer is to tell him to kill all Americans, to look for revenge. But is that the answer?

And yes, I know that my answers of silence and not reacting and not retaliating and accepting and tolerating may not be the right answers either. As it has put me down, cost me a lot, financially as well as emotionally. And it doesn’t seem help to solve things. But that’s also still also how Jesus lived his life, a person who’s attitude I admire very much, although while writing this now I also remember the story where he attacks the traders and the priests in the temple. So he did not only say that if someone slaps your left cheek to turn your right cheek to him, which I think I often, maybe too often, do.

So how to continue here, as I want this site, this post to be useful. And again, I was told by someone that articles, that posts should answer questions, not ask them. And that’s how most ‘self help’ sites are built.That’s how I presume how most articles are written. But I don’t have the answers, I don’t have success yet, I am not successful yet. And yes, it’s so easy to tell people what to do if you are ‘there’ already. Thinks like persistence and stand up when you are defeated and such. And when you are ‘there’ it is also so easy to confirm the Principles of Success and things. And is it not true that there are many more people unsuccessful than successful? And is it not so that many people get rich at the cost of other people?

And yes, somehow I keep believing in The Principles of Success as described by Napoleon Hill, the ideas that were the foundation for this site. And I keep believing in what he states, that things that are not rooted in truth and justice cannot last. But looking around me I still see many things that are NOT rooted in truth and justice, so many companies and people being and getting greedy.

And it seems to pay off, as those people and companies have higher salaries and bigger cars and houses than me. And they do and can do the things I cannot do (anymore).

And yes, I am much stronger now, much stronger than ever before in my life. And I learned something like discipline. And I learned a bit how to plan. Two things that have been very hard for me most of my life. And I learned to react less emotional, I learned to postpone decisions, actions where before I often over reacted, reacted too soon. So yes, the ideas in Think and Grow Rich, the Principles of Success do seem to have value, a lot of value.

But no, I’m not happy and I miss a lot of things I used to have and I miss a lot that I know that could be, should be.

So time will tell if I will ‘get there’. And somehow I know I will.

Inspiration, passion

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So the question “what’s next” keeps popping up and is kind of getting stronger. As somehow I have lost all inspiration and passion towards the future. And today I realized that awful feeling, that tension in my upper legs has come back. And I thought I was beyond that now, but somehow it came back, today.

And yes, somehow deep down I know what’s going on. Somehow I lost the passion for life, for being me long time ago. Somehow it has been beaten out of me by ‘life’, by the dependence on other people for certain things like jobs (to get money, especially to do fun things) and love and sex. And that gives those people power.

And while writing this I realize that somehow I still feel like a victim, that I’m still in ‘victim mode’. But yesterday I read a sentence that hit me: “Abuse is NOT your fault” (How to Deal with Emotional Abuse). But on the other hand I read everywhere that my life and my happiness and such is my responsibility. And that’s where I get lost. As how can it not be my fault being abused when I’m responsible. So I’m responsible but it’s not my fault. How can that be? As to me responsibility for something implies that it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But I have the feeling most or many other people see this different.

And yes, now the famous “you have to change” comes to mind again. That’s what many people have told me most of my life so there must be some truth in it. And that’s also exactly what my partner uses to put me down, to put me in the defense. As I am unhappy and can’t get, don’t have what I want. And you can’t change the other person, so you have to change yourself. And again, if you’re unhappy it’s your own responsibility to ‘change’. Meaning it’s your fault.

At least that’s the type of reasoning I seem to get stuck in. As responsibility seems to be something different than ‘fault’ or ‘guilt‘. And I am stuck in some beliefs, beliefs that I prefer to keep as those beliefs are so deep rooted in me that I think I would become another person if I let them go. Or is it just fear?

And I was looking for ways to make Inspiration for Success more inspirational again. And maybe I found a way now to add pages on responsibility and fault. Let’s do that first.

So I guess a bit more of a useful post than the ones I’ve been recently writing. So I have some kind of start again. Thank you Lord!