Author Archives: Guus

Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?

Finding weaknesses

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I was very down this morning, mainly triggered by an e-mail I received yesterday, an e-mail with an attachment I was too scared to open. And with in mind that with that kind of state of mind I wouldn’t go anywhere I just decided to wait, do nothing, based on the ideas of the Law of Attraction. But as a human is not built for doing nothing finally I decided to play the mp3 version of the CD about guided breathing from Allan Sweeney (not sure if the CD on that page is the same as my mp3 file) I once found. And normally I follow the instructions on that CD, but this time I mainly bobbed along just listening to it as I know it has a calming effect on me.

And amazingly, from my earlier state of mind, listening to the CD calmed me quite a bit, even so much that after that I started reading again in Think and Grow Rich, something that often helps me get going again. And I ended up at the end of the last chapter, the chapter about the Six Ghosts of Fear, as that is what I am working on right now. And reading that I was thinking about the results of the self analysis I have been working on for the last weeks here in public. As I understand the purpose of the self analysis, the self analysis questions is to find weaknesses and cure them. And that is something I didn’t really work on until now I think. And it is something about controlling your mind and I still didn’t master that.

But still, how to get from a negative mindset to a positive? And how to get from negative circumstances to positive circumstances? And how to shield your mind from negative influences, either by yourself or by others?

Maybe I should just set that as some goal in my daily planning, to write about that, do something about that. What about you?

Self analysis, question 27

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I just got an e-mail that made me very scared. And I was just thinking what kind of fear is behind it, related to the previous self analysis question about fear. I guess behind my fear is the fear of criticism as I fear the judgement of others related to a mistake, or many mistakes, I made. And the problem is I am making the same mistake over and over as I did not find a way yet how to correct the mistake without doing other or more damage than the mistakes themselves do. Or maybe I am just selfish, but I have more and more the feeling life has been very unfair to me. Or at least until now I didn’t understand what life or God or The Universe wants from me, what I am here to do.

And I am getting more and more tired again, pushing myself against the things I don’t like, the things I don’t know how to handle.

So maybe just see if today’s self analysis question gives some answers: “Have you a method by which you can shield yourself against the negative influence of others?”.

And maybe there is some answer in that question as I am just suffering from the idea that others will judge me for what I did, for my mistakes, where ‘others’ means something like the internal voice who says I have done it all wrong. And I did it all wrong, but I still don’t know how to do it right, as it often feels I have the choice between bad and worse. So who wouldn’t choose bad?

And still struggling with how much power I, a human being, actually have and how much influence ‘circumstances’ have.

And again, I keep struggling with whether I should give up the house or not. It would solve so many things, at least on short term. But I know also that making decisions like that in a bad emotional state is not a wise thing to do. And in the long term it doesn’t solve anything, it goes against everything I believe in now.

So am I fooling myself by just persisting in my cause and hoping for better times? It would be so easy to give in and give up the house and ‘move on’ as they say. But then, where would I go and wouldn’t I be running from myself (also)?

Self analysis, question 26

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The question

So yesterday I started the overview of self analysis questions. And I am getting more and more amazed how many self analysis questions there are and it seems I am not even half way. Today’s question is an interesting one: “Do you suffer from any of the Six Basic Fears? If so, which ones?”.

The Six Basic Fears

And right now I don’t even know what the six basic fears actually are, so let’s list them first:

The fear of poverty.
The fear of criticism.
The fear of ill health.
The fear of loss of love of someone.
The fear of old age.
The fear of death.

The fear of poverty

And of course I know I suffer from the fear of poverty. Just read my posts and the rest of this site and you will read about my struggle with poverty. And somehow I got less scared of it as I have more and more the feeling I have nothing to lose anymore. Or actually it’s not that, it’s just that I am getting more and more numb of having borrowed so much that I have no clue to ever pay it back, at least if I stay in this house. The last is also not true though anymore as I have quite some faith that my latest project will pull me out of poverty, bring me riches. So yes, I certainly suffer from the fear of poverty, a lot even.

The fear of criticism

And I am not sure if I suffer so much of the fear of criticism, even though I know now that most of the things I do are because I don’t want to offend other people, am scared of their anger and/or disapproval. So I guess I am suffering from the fear of criticism, even though I am working to be less affected by it, have my own opinion and stand for it. So yes, I guess I suffer from the fear of criticism, probably more than I would want to or think.

The fear of ill health

And after having had a pretty serious accident and getting older I am starting to get some fear about ill health. A bit strange, as I have always been pretty healthy, except for my hay fever. And I never believed older people when they indicated your body changes, can’t do so much anymore, but being fifty one now I must admit it is true, no matter what I believe or want to believe. So yes, also this fear applies to me.

The fear of loss of love of someone

The fear of loss of love of someone is a hard one for me as I am trying to keep my relationship going even though it doesn’t bring me what I want and need. As I keep hoping that with patience and persistence things will work out in the and, but it is starting to last very long now. And I read hope, which I seem to have exchanged for belief right now. So let’s go back to belief and then I’m quite sure it will work out in the end. So is the fear of loss of someone applicable to me? Very much I guess.

The fear of old age

I never had really fear of old age, but being fifty one and not having achieved what I had expected to achieve, not having done what I wanted to do makes me fear there are things I can’t do anymore. The book Think and Grow Rich helped and helps me deal with this a lot, but yes, somehow I am suffering from the fear of old age, although it is more related to ill health, like not being able to do things anymore, especially physically, than fear of old age.

The fear of death

And the fear of death is a hard one as often I want to die, or actually don’t want to live anymore. As I didn’t kill myself until now I guess I suffer from the fear of death, even though it is more like being too scared of the pain when a suicide attempt would not succeed. So it is not so much the fear of death I am suffering from, but more the fear of pain. And this paragraph makes me think, as who wants to die? But my life has been so full of suffering, I tried so hard and it didn’t work out, that indeed I’d rather not have lived as I believe life should be enjoyed, not endured.

And yes, somehow I also enjoy life as I learned more than most people I guess, especially the last few years when I felt really poor, so poor that I feel I can’t move, I can’t live (as I am merely surviving).

Conclusion

And I want to conclude this post that the question of today makes me think, think how I improved a lot related to fear, to the fears mentioned. And that indeed came all from reading this single book: Think and Grow Rich.

So thank you, Napoleon Hill. You are still giving me the courage to move on, to try to get to a better life, to try to get the riches I am looking for and need, the riches probably everybody is looking for and needs.

Photos

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Well, it doesn’t happen often, but last night I was so tired and so late that I just went to bed and let the daily tasks related to Inspiration for Success for what they were and also my regular meeting with my virtual private cabinet. And thinking about the last, some strange things have happened lately. As the ordering of the seats, the people around the table has changed. And that just happened through the initiative of some people who wanted to sit closer to me, at the head, the end of the table. And while writing it were indeed the stronger personalities who just took their place closer by and kind of forced the other people more to the back. So it is true what Napoleon Hill describes about things like this. That the images you create in your mind kind of come alive by themselves. And yes, I am wondering if there is some real relation with those people related to some remark I read from Napoleon Hill about that.

Ulla and YokYok So no progress with my self analysis questions as I just wanted to put some photos here I made with my new smartphone, my new camera. And one of the things I always wanted was to have some more photos of the dogs, so I’ll put one next to this paragraph, even though I didn’t make the photos I had in mind. But it is a start and right now it is dark and I noticed the flash is not so strong or something as photos made in the dark are not that clear.

Selfie And I tried to make a ‘selfie’, something I heard a lot about, but never did as I didn’t have a suitable device for that. And it doesn’t look that good I think, but I’ll just share it here. And with ‘doesn’t look good’ I mean that apparently I didn’t look in the lens and my eyes are closed, but I have the feeling that has partly to do with that the camera was so close to me and that a flat lens may not be as good as a ‘real’ lens, although apparently technology progresses very fast. And somehow I was pleasantly surprised that this ‘app’ thing I never wanted to deal with is able to put photos I make straight into Dropbox so they are available automatically on my computer shortly after I make them. So there are advantages of a smartphone above a normal camera. I still hope for the normal camera though, although for now I can at least share things more visually.

And no, I don’t really plan to use my smartphone privately, like using Facebook all the time, be online all the time. And for now I pretty well managed, but again, I am making good use of my phone/camera for my business as I was able to support my internet marketing project with posting photos in Facebook.

So well, somehow I am making progress, somehow things are changing, as my main project is going well and as also yesterday I got a payment from a new customer. But yes, all of this made me feel very tired, exhausted even last night. And I am still tired, but slowly getting back to normal.