Tag Archives: Belief

Learning from mistakes

Ulla Today was a very emotional day for me, as one of our dogs was (and is) very sick and I was quite affected with it and didn’t know what to do. And there is quite some history to this, as quite some years ago I was confronted with a very sick also and I felt wrongly advised by the vet, resulting in a dead dog, a dead puppy of maybe 2 or 3 months old. And I was very angry with the vet, as they hadn’t advised me properly, and if they would have, the dog might not have died.

So I saw myself confronted with another dog with a similar problem, not being able to keep any food or fluids in her stomach, which was the same problem the other dog had, and not really knowing what other vet to go to, as somehow this is still ‘our’ vet and probably still the best known vet in Cagayan de Oro City.

And I don’t have any money and we don’t have a car, so it’s a lot of hassle to bring a sick Rottweiler to a vet. And she really looked sick and she is already something like ten years old, so last night I kind of gave up on her already and was wondering if I would see her alive this morning. But she was still alive tonight and even moved to another place a few meters away while she could hardly walk and she looked pretty okay this morning (see photo). And she still tried to eat, although she didn’t want to drink anymore, but it was very frustrating to see that it all came out again. Somehow here digestive system couldn’t process it anymore.

So this morning I felt pretty bad and didn’t know what to do and I had no feeling whatsoever of Infinite Intelligence or God or a hunch or whatever one might look for when one is lost, so I just waited and lie a bit on the couch and just checked on the dog again and again not knowing what to do, basically waiting for her to die.

And yes, I was kind of sending prayers out to God or The Universe or whatever to give me some answer, as I really didn’t know what to do and had no feeling about it. And no, no answer came.

Until, somehow I posted a message in Facebook (with above photo) sharing my feeling of being lost an confused, not expecting anything.

And then, somehow my prayer was answered. As when I checked later I saw the post got quite some comments, some of them urging me to go to a vet NOW. And I didn’t get the answer fully yet, as I asked for help, help that didn’t really come in the form of someone offering to bring me to the vet in his or her car.

And then, somehow I went to Ulla and saw her eat the baby food we gave her again and again, trying to somehow keep it inside, which she didn’t manage. And then I knew it was time to move, indeed get a taxi and just bring her to the vet to figure out what was wrong with her, as somehow she hadn’t given up on herself, where I was not sure whether to give up or not.

And looking back it was indeed some inspired answer, something Infinite Intelligence, as I just knew what to do and that it was the right thing. And indeed, as indicated in Law of Attraction stuff, somehow things started to move by themselves. I informed the vet she didn’t need to come to the house anymore, which I had requested before, but what didn’t happen. And apparently for a reason, as looking back I would have needed to go down to the city anyhow. And a taxi was quickly found and soon we were on the way to the vet. And the vet just did her job and analyzed what was going on and sent us out for x-rays (strange, didn’t know that was also done with dogs). And everybody was just helpful and tried to figure out what was (and maybe still is) wrong with her. And I also knew I had to leave her behind, something I kind of dreaded, as with the other dog the next day I just had to pick up a dead dog and had to pay a pretty large bill.

And it was relatively easy to do all those things and to trust all those people and Ulla also seemed to know, as even on the x-ray table she wiggled her tail and seemed pretty okay. And it was strange to see and know that the helper of the vet still knows Ulla and he just joined us to the x-ray venue and carried Ulla on his own (as I try to avoid carrying because of my back injury and our helper that I asked to join seemed not needed for carrying her).

And the hardest part, leaving Ulla behind, as I wanted her to be on IV, wasn’t as hard as I expected and Ulla seemed pretty okay in the cage alone with the other dogs. And no, of course this may not end good like her having a real big problem with her intestines, or she may just die tonight. But the last I doubt as she is looked in pretty good shape and alive, especially after receiving the IV fluids, contrary to the other dog, but everything just felt right.

And this all made me think of learning from mistakes, one of the self analysis questions, and I think I learned a lot, even though I thought I was making the same mistake again. But I didn’t, as this time I didn’t wait so long before taking charge. And I shared with other people what was going on. And I took responsibility for all the decisions I made (and didn’t and probably won’t blame the vet for anything).

So of course I don’t know if Ulla is going to be okay again, I mean she is getting old and she is still pretty sick and weak. But I doubt she is going to die in the clinic as she looked quite okay when I left and I am determined that if she is going to die she will die at home.

Self analysis, question 40

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I never realized there were more than 40 self analysis questions, but I knew there were a lot. More than 40 is impressive though and there are still quite a lot to go.

Today’s question amazes me a bit though because I already answered it, but apparently I didn’t, at least not in public, not in the site like I am doing now.

And today’s question is “Have you learned how to create a mental state of mind with which you can shield yourself against all discouraging influences”? And the answer is certainly no, as I am often pretty much discouraged. Although when writing this down I think I improved a bit, or even a lot, as slowly I somehow tell myself positive things when I feel discouraged. Like that I still have a lot of time, as ‘age’ is just an excuse (according to Napoleon Hill). And also that in the end with persistence you get quite far, as that is what I seem to read very often lately.

And I know I am persistent, so it is certainly encouraging to read that persistence seems to be one of the major things that helps one achieve success.

And yes, I am learning and developed some pretty good habits, and a good sample of the last is that I am writing here even though I feel very, very tired.

But the habit keeps me going.

So well, I am getting more and more confident that I will achieve success, in the end, even though a bit late. But as they say: “better late than never”.

Self analysis, question 39

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I just got an e-mail I don’t like so much as it is a request for additional information about mistakes I have made. And it makes me scared and it also annoys me, as I could have never made the mistakes if I wouldn’t have taken the responsibility I took. So I am quite affected by this in a negative way as I hoped I would have gotten away with my mistakes but apparently I didn’t.

So what does this mean? Should I have never taken this responsibility? I guess not. And what have I learned from it? Well, not sure, as I believe I still make similar mistakes.

Anyhow, maybe just go with today’s self analysis question, as I am trying to develop the habit of not dealing with things straight away, like dealing with this e-mail or answering it right now. But I do feel very uncomfortable right now, but maybe today’s question will help me get some more clarity on this.

And today’s question is “Do you form your own opinions or permit yourself to be influenced by other people”? And I guess this certainly relates to the situation related to the e-mail, as my own opinion is that I made mistakes, but the other side also made mistakes. And other involved parties made mistakes. And I am certainly influenced by other people in this case as I take their opinions so serious that I am really affected by it.

Ah, and another opinion of myself is that I still don’t know how I could have done things differently as given the same situation, the same circumstances I would probably do the same.

And how would I make up for the mistakes, correct the mistakes? Well, that is a very difficult question that I don’t know how to answer, as I don’t see any reasonable way to correct the mistakes. And I am quite sure the other party or parties involved would know how I should correct the mistakes. But I don’t agree with that opinion. As they are not me and don’t know my exact situation, don’t know what I feel, where I stand, why I did and do what I did and do.

And this all goes back to that we all grow up by experiencing others opinions, about right and wrong for example.

So what is really ‘my’ opinion?

Self analysis, question 37

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Strange, I was thinking about that basically I don’t want to live, meaning I seem to have a very negative mindset and today’s question is “Does your presence have a negative influence on other people as a rule”?

And I know I read the question before, or at least that was in my mind, so I must have thought about it earlier or somehow it stuck in my mind.

And still, even though I have the feeling my presence in general has a negative influence on other people I can’t really confirm that, as today e.g. I had two positive experiences, like people seeming to like my presence.

And I am not really sure how to continue right now as I am very tired and need some rest.

Maybe the most important lessons I learned recently is acknowledge more what is going on, especially allowing negative feelings and thoughts just to be there.

And that helps a lot.

Self analysis, question 34

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Today’s question is “Can you mention three of your most damaging weaknesses? What are you doing to correct them?”. And the first thing that comes in my mind is that I can’t say no to my partner in most cases if he wants something. And then it stops. Or maybe my second weakness is eating chips, which I just did (and which makes me fat). But maybe more important is that somehow I mostly lose people, especially in business.

And all of this is very good I think, working through these questions in different ways, this time just answering them in public, writing them down.

So let’s start with the first one, not being able to say no to my partner. Somehow that is a very hard and strange one, as I often compromise my own values just because I can’t say no. And yes, part of that is his anger, that can be very bad and that anyone would try to avoid. But that is a very bad excuse as often there is a lot more damage with my ‘not being able to say no’ than anything his anger could do. And by not saying no I am also teaching him that he can get anything he wants, which is certainly not healthy, not for me, but certainly also not for him. And also not for other people involved, as slowly more and more people are experiencing damage of my weakness of not being able to say no to my partner.

And recently I have been thinking that there may be many more people and situations I may act the same way, also causing a lot of damage.

So what am I doing to correct this first weakness? Well, at first sight nothing really, as even tonight I kind of gave in to something I don’t really want, something I might have wanted to say no to. On the other hand I am at least starting to realize that this is a very damaging weakness, so at least I am aware and kind of out of the denial phase. And that may be an important step to solve this issue, this weakness. So let’s stick with this for now, as it is still a very difficult issue for me, even though I guess most people wouldn’t understand what is going on and why I am doing what I do. And while writing I don’t even know myself why I do it, as often I just feel stupid and ‘wrong’.

But let’s at least acknowledge I am acknowledging this weakness and that that is a very important step.

My second weakness, eating, makes me very fat and somehow I hate myself for that. And still, I never really made any progress with this. Yes, for a short time, sometimes. But I never pushed through and even tonight I just bought a lot of snacks and started eating them, until right now.

So what am I doing to correct this? Well, actually nothing. I even kind of accepted my eating as something belonging to me, something to compensate for unhappiness and dissatisfaction in other areas of my life. So yes, I know where this eating habit comes from and what causes it. And while writing this I realize it has to do with my first weakness, at least the cause of that. And I don’t feel like writing about that in detail here, but let’s say it’s about the fear of loss of love of someone.

So what am I doing about it? Well, nothing really. So maybe time to at least acknowledge that it is a problem and that it causes unhappiness because I feel so fat. Would that be a step one to a solution?

So my third weakness is losing people. And that is a hard one and I have been trying(?!) to do something about that for a long time. And somehow it seems to pay off, but somehow I often still feel trapped with this, as I still often feel left alone by people, abandoned by them, them not replying to me, them not wanting to meet me.

So what am I doing about it? Well, again, at least I somehow acknowledge that I want to do something about it. And that somehow it is a weakness of me. And that it probably has to do with me not being really interested in people. And that goes back to me not being really interested in myself, me not really accepting myself.

So I am working on self-acceptance.