Tag Archives: Goals

Self analysis, question 9

Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

How do they do it

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I am still wondering how other bloggers do it, the successful bloggers, like Leo Babauta and Alden Tan. They also often write about difficulties and stuff, but somehow they seem to be able to make it into something inspiring, where I have the feeling I’m just complaining. And yes, often, at the end of a post, I try to make some kind of positive statement, but I have the feeling many others handle their pain and sorrow much better.

Like right now, my life is still not in order as there is still no money coming in. And my partner and I are fighting, yes, a silent battle, but still. And somehow part of it, maybe even the biggest part, goes back to the fact that neither of us is good in earning, in getting money in. So slowly we got from having quite a lot of money, which I had when I left The Netherlands around ten years ago, to no money and the last few years to borrowing money. And it all went so silent, in such a sneaky way, that it was too late when I realized how bad it was. And right now I don’t see any way to get out of it, except ‘working hard’, which I do with my new project, but that has been something I have done all my life and somehow that didn’t work out.

And yes, lately I have kind of stopped the outgoing money flow, even though there is still quite a lot going out every month in a hidden way, in unpaid mortgage for the house and unpaid interest for the loans. So I did improve things. But right now I am kind of on a crossroad again, as there is nothing really coming in this month, meaning soon I will probably have no option but to borrow again as I have no clue how to increase my income. As I tried ‘everything’ to ‘earn’, except moving to another place, another city, another country, and nothing has worked.

And yes, I had some recent requests, but one prospect chose for another party and another prospect I can’t reach after sending a proposal. And both cost me quite some effort and time, although not really, just one or two days. And the first I thought I ‘had’ as we had quite a good conversation on Skype. But his main reason to choose for another party was that I am working alone right now. And of course that’s a risk, but that’s also kind of a chicken/egg problem. As if I don’t have enough customers I can’t grow my company, unless I find a partner or investor of course.

And I tried Elance again, but I did not hear anything from the few proposals I put there. And yes, as indicated before I started a new project, a new venture, a new challenge. And I won’t give up and I know somewhere deep down that if I continue ‘standing up’ one day success will come. It must.

But right now I feel a bit the same as when I started this site, where I was hoping I could have talked about my success already. But for now you’ll just still have to do with my complaints and stuff. But I hope one day, when you end up in this post or another complain-type post, you will also find my success story. So you will know that if you feel like me right now, if you just continue, the success will just be there.

So until then!

Imagination and subconscious mind

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Mitsubishi Pajero

Guus in black Pajero The last few weeks, months I have been imagining driving my black Mitsubishi Pajero, e.g. when riding up to Malasag using a habal-habal. So like closing my eyes and imagining I was driving my new black Mitsubishi Pajero or was sitting next to the driver and being driven up, to our house. And I have been imagining my (a?) black Mitsubishi Pajero driving up the driveway towards the house. And recently I have been imagining my black Mitsubishi Pajero standing in the driveway like being our car, like just using it, going in and out. And the last imagination took me quite a while, but last week I managed to really make a vivid image of it and really believing it.

And this is all kind of weird, as I have no clue how I could ever be able to buy a new black Mitsubishi Pajero, let alone drive it and pay for the fuel e.g. And no, I never really believed in these kind of things, but as Napoleon Hill indicates in his book Think and Grow Rich I decided to just try things like this, do things like this, no matter how weird or unfamiliar they felt or feel.

But as indicated above, somehow these things have effect, as before I had no idea of how to really feel like owning it, where as I also indicated above, last week I really saw ‘my’ Pajero stand in the driveway and me getting in and out, going to the city and such. And somehow I have and had the feeling it came closer, like first on the way up to Malasag, then seeing it drive up the driveway and recently just see it standing in the car port as if I, if we own it.

And last Saturday I saw a black Mitsubishi Pajero in front of the dealer, apparently just delivered from the factory. And I couldn’t resist to send an e-mail to MItsubishi Manila yesterday. And I am not sure if that was the reason I got this phone call from the Mitsubishi this morning or if they just remembered I was looking for a test drive and such in a (black) Mitsubishi Pajero. But I got it and even though at first I was a bit hesitant to go there ‘before two o’clock’ as I had planned quite some things today, I decided to go, as of course this was an opportunity I could not miss, like sitting in the car I have decided to own and making pictures of me sitting in this car and making pictures. So I went and we did make pictures, as I was even able to convince my partner to join. And the next step of course is to convince, ask the owner to bring his car to our house so I can really make pictures of a black Pajero in our driveway with me sitting in it.

And all of this is weird, as of course I am doubting my decision of owning this car that I specified without even really knowing it. So today was also weird, as sitting in it didn’t really feel like ‘wow’ or something. It was more about something like ‘achieving success’, getting what I want, getting what I decided on, without changing my decision, without doubt.

And no, I still have no real clue where all of this is going, as it is kind of ‘impossible’ for me to own a Mitsubishi Pajero within a reasonable time, like one or two years (I did not set a specific date for this goal), but it is kind of weird, kind of impressive, to see the effect of my visualizations and actions like writing to Mitsubishi, where the strangest thing is that in my imagination my Mitsubishi Pajero came closer and closer, like first going up Malasag Road, then going up the driveway and now standing in the driveway and ‘just being used’. And maybe even more weird that there is an actual black Pajero right now in Cagayan de Oro City, which makes it even ‘come closer’ to me, especially if it would really stand in the driveway somewhere this week or next week.

So let’s see. I’ll keep you posted.

Update

I was just organizing my photos and saw a photo named Mitsubishi Pajero 2015. And no, I don’t have my own black Mitsubishi Pajero yet. And yes, I am worrying a bit that this model will not be there anymore when I would be able to buy one, as I know kind of know something like that will probably not just be given to me. That is not what they call reality.

But maybe I am getting closer, as I may have found the first user of my DoctorsConnect software and that is an important milestone for further progress of that project, my main project at the moment.

And I did not really re-read this post right now, but I am sure many things in it are still valid, even though I often lost and loose the belief that I can go where I want to go and be who I want to be. Somehow these things are indeed related to belief, any belief.

And often I forget to be grateful. And yes, I think I need to let go of this punishing God of mine, the God from my youth, the God that is still in my mind and still rules my life. Not healthy, or at least not convenient, a punishing God, as it just puts me down, puts me down in everything I do. Better to have a loving God, a supporting God I guess.

So where will I find this positive Higher Power, this loving Higher Power, this loving God?

Decision, persistence, repetition and more

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I am more and more amazed with what is happening to me and what has been happening to me for the last two years. As it seems there is an enormous power in decision and persistence. As those two in combination with imagination and repetition are somehow creating like determination and belief. As somehow, the last few days, weeks, I saw my black Pajero coming towards the house, through the gate. And the last few days I can already imagine it standing in the, well, not sure how to call that in English, car park area in front of our front door. And until recently I didn’t really believe that there really would be a black Pajero of the current model in the car park area of our house. But somehow I am starting to believe, which is kind of crazy, as I have no clue how I would obtain the necessary funds to buy one.

And yes, somehow I feel a bit like cheating on the people from Mitsubhishi I am in contact with. As they presume I am a normal customer who is just looking to get a proposal for buying a Mitsubishi Pajero. And that I would have the funds available to buy one if I wanted to, which is not really the case as of the moment.

So yes, somehow I feel a bit guilty about that. But I have been very careful in stating what I want and how I want it and yes, that of course I am willing to give something in return for a Mitsubishi Pajero. So yes, according to the real world thinking of course anybody would presume that I am a customer with a lot of money, especially if I am from the marketing and/or sales department of Mitsubishi Motors. But it is all presumption, as I never said I wanted to buy a black Mitsubishi Pajero of a certain type. I only stated I want to acquire, want to drive, and implicitly, want to own a black Mitsubishi Pajero.

And don’t get me wrong, I have no intention to cheat on anybody or tell half truths or something. Of course I would love to just buy the car I have in mind. And no, I don’t even want or need a discount, which again, people within Mitsubishi presumed. But right now I just can’t, so I am trying to find a way to acquire the Mitsubishi Pajero that I have stated I want to own. And that is what I have been doing, telling them what I want.

But I don’t want to write about some stupid car I want to own, some very expensive car most people won’t be able to afford (‘in the real world’). I want to write about that some time ago I made a pretty detailed description of the car I want to own. And I have been acting on that, like writing to Mitsubishi to inform them what I want. As I was, and still am, scared that I won’t be able to acquire the funds in time to be able to buy the car I have in mind. And often, when driving up to our house, mostly using a habal-habal, I close my eyes and I imagine sitting in my own black Pajero, driving my own black Pajero. And before I just imagined the car driving through the gate. And no, I didn’t really believed it.

But the strange thing is that quite recently something changed. As somehow I am really starting to believe that that car is really there. And also recently I can imagine it standing in the driveway and me going in and out of it, going to the city. So keep in mind, I kept repeating those things, as suggested in Think and Grow Rich, even though I didn’t believe it, even though I felt kind of stupid and was doubting that just repeating those things without really having the right ‘feel’ would work.

And no, I don’t know where this is going to end and if I would really be able to realize this dream of having a black Mitsubishi Pajero, highest type, current model, brand new, manual transmission and diesel.engine. But it is pretty amazing what is happening especially recently, after I kept repeating, imagining and acting upon this desire, even though it is ‘impossible’ and I didn’t really believe it.

Ah, so much more to tell, like all those things just seem to become their own self fulfilling prophecy. And somehow my self confidence has skyrocketed, even though nothing really changed in my real life situation. And that improved self confidence seems to arrive with other people, so somehow other people react different to me, different to what I say, different to the ideas I have, no matter how crazy they seem to be. And again, other people reacting differently, more supportive, also boosts my self confidence again. So it really seems I am moving to the other side of the stream Napoleon Hill talks about. And indeed, it doesn’t take more effort or something, on the road or in the stream towards riches, towards success. So keep reading, as if I can really achieve success, anybody can.