Tag Archives: God

Self analysis: question 2

I couldn’t really get going the last few days, including today, so I guess the best way to get out of that is just continuing with what I started last week, answering the self analysis questions from the last chapter of Think and Grow Rich.

But before going to that, the second question, there are still things in my mind, like why am I not moving, why do I, well, feel bad? And ‘they’ say it is all in you, in me, but it feels like some external force has taken over, that I am not supposed to do anything, that I am supposed to rest or something. So strange, and kind of contradictory, what is happening and what I am writing about, as I thought it all starts with me, with you, with desire and autosuggestion and such. But maybe this self analysis, this second question, will give more clarity, so let’s just go to that.

And the second question is “Do you find fault with other people at the slightest provocation?”. And I guess answering that, thinking about that may indeed give some answers. As I notice more and more that I blame other people and circumstances for the situation I am in, that I (still) act like a victim, that I still feel helpless, helpless in getting what I want, helpless in getting what I want in life, helpless getting what I want from life.

So yes, I often find fault with other people. Or maybe even always. Not sure if that is related to provocation or something, but I guess there must be something to that, otherwise Napoleon Hill wouldn’t have included that in the question.

I am turning that around by the way, the fault finding, as I see more and more that what other people do or want or think has nothing to do with me. So why would I feel provoked with anything someone else says or does or thinks?

And not sure what else to write, to answer related to this question, except maybe that I am thinking a lot about things like who I am and what I am doing here on this earth, in this life and if there is indeed some kind of Higher Power I have to answer to. But while writing the last immediately the question arises why I have been given the power of choice, or don’t I have a real choice? Yes, I have, as I could sell the house and immediately solve my financial problems, but I choose not to, as I believe things will be better, as I believe somehow I can turn everything around and stay here and enjoy and let other people enjoy.

But it has been too long, and I kind of gave up, although I am still doing things to make ‘it’ work, to get what I want. But I also didn’t give up, as I am still moving, still getting up, standing up, after falling down again.

But yeah, maybe the answer is indeed in some Higher Power, in Infinite Intelligence.

Higher Power

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I was not aware that the phrase Higher Power was so connected to twelve steps programs, but while searching for it, those were the things that came up. Weird, as to me Higher Power could mean anything from any religion, like God or Allah or maybe even Buddha, although the last does not present himself as God or something.

And I am also still searching what it means for me, as in the end the first thing I think of when thinking of higher is God, the God I grew up with, the God from the bible in a bit a modified form. But I understand that in the Twelve Steps Programs Higher Power could mean anything, including something like the group you are in.

Or maybe I do know how I see Higher Power, something like the consciousness that developed somehow by the ‘something’ that somehow came into existence as what we now call the Universe. And humans are somehow the next level, the expression of consciousness. And that thought is a bit scary, as that implies there is nothing more than ‘I’, than Guus Ellenkamp, finding his purpose in this ‘something’ that somehow came into existence. As he is just the expression of the questions like the ‘why’ and ‘what for’. And there are no answers to that, except that you indeed would have to find your own purpose ‘the’ purpose, of everything, where there is none. As something just somehow came into being and got ‘aware’.

Mmm, tough stuff, but I guess that is what I believe in the end, even though I don’t fully get how things like time fit into that. But a very interesting concept and it gives an explanation why we, or maybe just I, am looking for a purpose and created something like ‘others’ to not be alone.

Lost day?

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I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

Surrender

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Strange, the word surrender came to me. Not just today, but slowly. And someone advised me to put out a white flag, something like surrendering, no matter how small, like a toothpick. And as I still don’t know how to do these things I got one of those Cuddles things from the bathroom and held it up to the Sky, to God. And straight after I saw an e-mail that made me very happy, someone even offering to send me a camera, where until now no one seems to have seen my need for that.

So there is something in surrender. Thank you, Lord!

P.S. And The Philippines is still a very strange country to me related to internet as these Cuddles are so familiar to me, but I couldn’t find anything about it on the internet straight away. Only after searching for the company name, Everwing Enterprises, I found the item and a picture, but I really had to search. And I thought it was a very common and well known product… Anyhow, I found it, just need to ask for permission to use it still.

What’s the point

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I am kind of at the end of the road as tonight I let myself talk into borrowing another significant amount which I doubt would come back in time. So I just cried up to God what is the point in letting me suffer so much financially and also with other things, like my love life and the connections with my family. I started a new life around twelve years ago or something and it started very well, with lots of promises and good things and starting a business or something. But slowly it has all fallen apart and I have no clue why, even though I guess I have my flaws. And yes, I know they say life is a learning process or learning experience or something, but I also believe life should be enjoyed. And I didn’t have any real joy for the last ten years or so, except a few short moments, short occasions like a party where I felt very happy someone celebrating it here, in The Malasag House.

And no matter what I did, no matter what I do, things still seem to fall apart, including me caving in again to a request from my partner just tonight. And the reason I did is that I just don’t know anymore, as whatever effort I do it seems to end nowhere, it seems to be futile. And it may be right as my partner is closer to me than anyone else, but it may also be wrong as maybe I ‘should’ be stronger and go my own way or something.

Or is this about going beyond failure, beyond anything you can imagine before achieving success, the thing Napoleon Hill talks about. But I started reading Think and Grow Rich from the start again and the sentence is ‘before achieving their major success’ or something and not ‘before achieving success’.

So yes, I just cried up to Heaven that I don’t get the point in more ‘learning experience’, for me meaning right now ‘more suffering’. And of course I know my situation is much, unimaginable much more better than so many people in the world, people without food and shelter, where I still own part of a very large house, so I am still ‘rich’. But that’s the worst part, as I know how good, how fun life can be, even though there are still some things I still didn’t enjoy to the fullest. But I know what it is to travel the world and have a car and just be able to move around and see the worlds and just visit friends and family when you like. And right now, and for a very long time already, I have the feeling I can’t, even though if I would just cash out some things I still could do those things, even though only for a short while.

So yes, I am tired of the suffering and I am starting to refuse to believe that it’s all ‘me’ who is the cause of it, like many of those self help sites and successful people make me, and probably also you, believe. As no matter how you follow the Principles of Success or whatever program or things ‘successful people’ have invented, if God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever you may call the Higher Being or Higher Spirit, doesn’t want it, apparently it doesn’t happen.

And no, I won’t give up. I will follow things like the Principles of Success and persist in my current quest and my current decisions. So I will ‘outwit the Devil’, but I am starting to get annoyed by the way one apparently has to do that, as I’d rather stay nice and polite and things like that than just being annoyed and angry and all those things I consider negative.

And strange, especially writing this last paragraph makes me realize how far I have gotten, how much more determined I am to achieve success than ever before and how much more self confidence I have now than I had ever in my life before.

So yes, something changed, changed since I started to read and work from Think and Grow Rich.