Tag Archives: Desire

Torture

I have no clue why I am putting this photo here. I like the photo and just got it yesterday from someone, so just want to share. It must mean something I like it and I put it here.

Today was or is supposed to be my ‘day off’, a day where I can do some unfinished business, like fixing the e-mail issue of this site (I cannot send e-mails as of the moment, not send the daily quotes from this site). And trying to get YokYok and Arf together, as I bought mouth guards, so I can let them be together without hurting each other too much.

And until now nothing really came out of my hands, even worse, I have this ‘torture feeling’ again that blocks me so often, that rules my life of not achieving things, the thing that kind of causes my self destructive behavior. And right now, while writing, it is a bit less than earlier, when i was weeding the grass, doing something to ease me, doing something to calm me down, doing something that I hope will make this feeling, this feeling of being tortured, go away.

And I just don’t know what to do to make it go away. It seems nothing what I do or not do makes it go away; or makes it come. As yes, it is not always there, at least I think. At least it is not always as strong as to stop me from doing something, from just feeling bad, from feeling being tortured. So the worst to me is the randomness of the feeling, the knowledge or perceived knowledge that whatever I do or not do does not make that feeling come or go away.

So the leas I can do now I guess is to write about it. As I think I never really wrote about it like I do now, how that feeling rules my life, destroys my life, destroys my ability to ‘do’ things, do things I would like to do so much, especially do things that would improve my life. But somehow I can’t, somehow I can’t control this feeling or do anything about it, do anything to make it go away.

And I think I know a bit how the feeling comes into being. As the last few days I had quite some disappointments, some things I consider being negative in my life, next to the unbearable feeling, the unbearable thought of not having Lee or anyone else in my life to be my lover or partner. And next to the kind of unbearable feeling that I am not able to earn my own income anymore, that I depend on my mom, and others, and on savings from a previous life, to sustain myself financially.

So yeah, the last few days have not been easy for me, as I tried to repair my printer, replace the pick-up roller, which as far as I knew was the only problem with it and would give it a new life, after about ten years of good service, the last year or two years with some hick-ups due to the worn out pick-up roller. But until recently it was still printing, somehow, when I was kind of begging it, guiding the paper and such. Until finally it didn’t really work anymore, a few weeks ago. So I finally decided to order a pick-up roller from Lazada, a service that I recently discovered next to Amazon.

Anyhow, I tried to sign up for the Lazada affiliate program, but also that seems to have gone wrong, so I can’t even put an affiliate link here, so no option for earning from there right now.

So yeah, it started with the printer. And things like the e-mails from my new server not working. And a problem with my DFS system not working, the system I use to keep my data safe on my home/office network. And still the Globe internet working and no reply from Samsung yet related to the pretty new refrigerator that has a problem. And as far as I know some other things, ah, yes, my phone having a problem, being sent to the service center in Manila, so I don’t have a/my smartphone right now.

And yes, I know most things are working. Actually there are many more things working than not working, which is kind of amazing, as I know from my mechanical engineering course that in order for e.g. a TV or something to work, and you can read any electronic or mechanical device, virtually all components need to work with a reliability of almost 100%, otherwise the device will not work. So I know it is amazing that e.g. my computer works right now. And that my Smart/PLDT internet works. And that everything between me and ‘anything internet’ works is quite amazing, a showcase of human, or maybe God like, ingenuity.

But at the same time “things not working” can be quite annoying, especially if there are relatively many things not working in life, like I believe what is going on in my life for quite a while now. And I try to stay positive, for quite a while already, but it seems that just when I start to feel a little relaxed that the “things breaking”, “things not working”, something else seems to break, seems to stop working. And I am still wondering if I am the only one feeling like that. And I still believe in the past I had much less of those things, or at least things were easier to solve, as I used to have much more money to just replace things or something.

So yeah, I feel punished for not appreciating things working in the past, for not appreciating enough that I had a pretty good life, with a pretty good salary, money in the bank, regular travel, including exotic, long travel, and many, many more things, even though I know also at the time things didn’t feel right, at the time there were also things very wrong in my life.

Enough for now, but I guess I will continue later, as I think it is important sharing these things. Not sure why, but I just want to know more about other people, if they are struggling like me with things like this. And if not, how they live as they live, how they live a happier life than me.

Anyhow, I feel a little better now than earlier, still scared, as usual, the feeling will get worse again, but anyhow, it doesn’t. And best ‘do nothing’ I guess about all the things I want / need / have to do; just relax for a while, maybe the whole day.

Seems I am not the only one feeling being tortured: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f35/does-anybody-ever-feel-like-they-are-being-tortured-124271/. And yes, to me it feels like a deliberate act (of God), as also somewhere stated in that page. Very strange, as I guess God would not deliberately torture someone, anyone. Why would He do that? And found some more pages about it, so apparently I am not the only one struggling with feeling being tortured.

Some more links:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

http://achhikhabre.com/depression-healing-tips/
So the articles still point to depression. Will it ever go away then? I have been dealing with that for so long it seems, and it does not seem to go away. Yes, I did not follow the advice of my last counselor, but still, doesn’t life have some natural healing for that?

Tradition eleven

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“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven” and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.

Better to reach or receive

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For quite a while I have the feeling to start writing here again, or just write maybe once. And I already started with that a bit, but somehow I want to go back to the regular writing, but it seems it is still not the time for that.

But today I want to share something important, which was triggered with some changes in my Desire Document. And don’t get me wrong, I never made substantial changes in my Desire Document, even though in the end I may do that. But as time passes I am learning new things, have learned to look at things different, and that made me rephrase some things in my Desire Document as that just ‘felt‘ better.

So today I was sharing part of my Desire Document with someone, and I realized there was still something like ‘achieving goals’, and recently my believe changed in the way that I believe that we as human beings cannot ‘achieve things’, ‘achieve goals’. Somehow these things are given to us. As without God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever Higher Power you believe in, agrees with things happening, things won’t happen. And I started believing that based on the idea of Higher Power in Twelve Step programs and it seemed fully contrary to all self help stuff and even contrary to everything written in Think and Grow Rich. But to my amazement starting to read Think and Grow Rich again after I had put it away for a while because it was just ‘too much’ for me to handle, I saw Napoleon Hill states exactly the same thing: that without invoking Infinite Intelligence nothing will really happen. And I guess that is the secret he is talking about in many places in the book, at least for me, as you may read and interpret the book different than I did.

So I was triggered by something like achieving a goal. And with my current beliefs I cannot ‘achieve’ a goal, cannot achieve anything without some Higher Power helping me or doing it for me. And no, I don’t know how that works and why it is like that as I am only human and cannot understand how the world works. But as Napoleon Hill also states, things happen according to the laws of the universe and this seems to be one of them, that without any help or approval of the Higher Power of The Universe nothing happens.

So I am starting to change things like ‘achieve‘ into ‘receive‘ or reach and things like ‘goal‘ into ‘desire‘. As I can’t do it alone.

And I am starting to agree with Napoleon Hill and what I find in many other places: that you can’t get to the point where I am right now in an easy way, like by just reading this article. You have to (oh, how I hate this phrase ‘have to’) do the work. But indeed, it is not hard work, it is more like searching for the spiritual. And looking back it also doesn’t feel like ‘have to’.

Dates in Desire Documents

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A few days ago my Desire Document came back to me. And of course it did not walk to me or something, but I retrieved it from the pile of stuff that I had put in my prayer area, the stuff I didn’t know how to deal with anymore a while ago and gave to God, or The Universe, or whatever. And it has been there for a while and a few weeks ago even a disaster happened, as the dogs were put in that area as there was an event in the house and they had peed nearby and the pee had seeped into my pile of stuff, my pile of papers. And it upset me a bit, but I had not protected it and somehow decided to interpret that as some message of The Universe, so I didn’t really worry about it, although I was worried the papers to be smelly or something.

So a few days ago I felt like getting my Desire Document document back and start reading it regularly, which I did. And it was not smelly, just a bit dirty. And of course I could print a new version, but I didn’t as that was not really needed, didn’t feel right. And I had read it once or twice a few weeks or months ago, but at that time I put it back as it wasn’t the time to start reading it regularly. And the strange thing is and was that my Desire Document somehow is still valid. Especially the starting sentence I know by heart is just what I want, it’s just me. And also the rest of the document is still ‘me’ is still what I want, what I really want in life. And even though there are some paragraphs that don’t fully make sense or feel like needing some kind of change, the whole document is still basically as it was when I first made it and still feels like kind of being or becoming my life, as especially the last few months, the last year, one of the things stated in it is becoming true, where before I didn’t know what that statement exactly meant or how to achieve it as it appeared impossible, similar to most of the rest of the things I have written in it. But it is amazing how much this document, which is about one page A4-size paper long represents what I want in life and how to achieve it.

The main issue with it right now I don’t know what to do with are the dates related to my goals, as most of the dates have passed without the goal being achieved at the moment. And I found some ways around that by rephrasing some stuff and moving some dates, but it seems that is not the solution, at least the version of the document I found, that was in the prayer area, has some old dates which I changed a while ago, but it didn’t really make any difference to the whole document.

So I still don’t know how to deal with the dates in the document that have passed. And according to the ideas of Napoleon Hill it just means I have been defeated, it doesn’t mean I have failed, as I am not dead and all goals are still valid goals, technically achievable goals, even though some appear to have become impossible again after I made quite some progress with them.

And one of the options is to leave the dates and make some sentence around them and rephrasing them into new dates with related goals, but I don’t want to make the document longer. Actually it is already longer than I want. And I don’t really want to change it either and I also know that is kind of impossible, as the moment I made changes the document didn’t feel right anymore, similar to the phrase about what I am willing to give, a phrase I kind of regret as I stated it in a way of willing to give too much, looking back. And I made a small change long time ago to deal with that, but still, I can’t change the original ‘willing to give’ as I feel like I made the deal already with the first final version of the document.

So be careful when making a Desire Document about what you are willing to give, as I guess similar to me if you really want something you are willing to give anything or almost anything. And once stated it is done, the Universe will just take that as a truth and act accordingly.

So what about the dates? I am not sure yet, but one of these days I will just review the document and make some changes and read it again and see if I can get the right feel again with the changes. As I will just know, my subconscious mind will just know.

Inspiration and excitement

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I am still not in the mood of writing here, writing for Inspiration for Success, which I did much more enthusiastically a while ago. And I have the feeling that the reason is that it seems there is no progress, but there may be something more going on. As somehow I lost my lust for life, somewhere, long time ago, and without that it seems you can’t do anything.

And yes, I have been trying, and trying, and trying. And doing of course, like e.g. it is not nothing what I have produced with Inspiration for Success. And many other things I have done and produced and persisted, trying to ‘make it work’. But somehow it never works.

So there must be something else and I am getting more and more sure that it is all about mindset, about lust for life, not about what I do or what I want but HOW I do it.

So how to change that if you don’t know how?