Tag Archives: Desire

Self analysis, question 9

Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

What’s the point

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I am kind of at the end of the road as tonight I let myself talk into borrowing another significant amount which I doubt would come back in time. So I just cried up to God what is the point in letting me suffer so much financially and also with other things, like my love life and the connections with my family. I started a new life around twelve years ago or something and it started very well, with lots of promises and good things and starting a business or something. But slowly it has all fallen apart and I have no clue why, even though I guess I have my flaws. And yes, I know they say life is a learning process or learning experience or something, but I also believe life should be enjoyed. And I didn’t have any real joy for the last ten years or so, except a few short moments, short occasions like a party where I felt very happy someone celebrating it here, in The Malasag House.

And no matter what I did, no matter what I do, things still seem to fall apart, including me caving in again to a request from my partner just tonight. And the reason I did is that I just don’t know anymore, as whatever effort I do it seems to end nowhere, it seems to be futile. And it may be right as my partner is closer to me than anyone else, but it may also be wrong as maybe I ‘should’ be stronger and go my own way or something.

Or is this about going beyond failure, beyond anything you can imagine before achieving success, the thing Napoleon Hill talks about. But I started reading Think and Grow Rich from the start again and the sentence is ‘before achieving their major success’ or something and not ‘before achieving success’.

So yes, I just cried up to Heaven that I don’t get the point in more ‘learning experience’, for me meaning right now ‘more suffering’. And of course I know my situation is much, unimaginable much more better than so many people in the world, people without food and shelter, where I still own part of a very large house, so I am still ‘rich’. But that’s the worst part, as I know how good, how fun life can be, even though there are still some things I still didn’t enjoy to the fullest. But I know what it is to travel the world and have a car and just be able to move around and see the worlds and just visit friends and family when you like. And right now, and for a very long time already, I have the feeling I can’t, even though if I would just cash out some things I still could do those things, even though only for a short while.

So yes, I am tired of the suffering and I am starting to refuse to believe that it’s all ‘me’ who is the cause of it, like many of those self help sites and successful people make me, and probably also you, believe. As no matter how you follow the Principles of Success or whatever program or things ‘successful people’ have invented, if God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever you may call the Higher Being or Higher Spirit, doesn’t want it, apparently it doesn’t happen.

And no, I won’t give up. I will follow things like the Principles of Success and persist in my current quest and my current decisions. So I will ‘outwit the Devil’, but I am starting to get annoyed by the way one apparently has to do that, as I’d rather stay nice and polite and things like that than just being annoyed and angry and all those things I consider negative.

And strange, especially writing this last paragraph makes me realize how far I have gotten, how much more determined I am to achieve success than ever before and how much more self confidence I have now than I had ever in my life before.

So yes, something changed, changed since I started to read and work from Think and Grow Rich.

Christmas eve

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It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.

Finally on the way?

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Am I finally on the way to success, to more happiness, or maybe just to happiness?

And I don’t know how to make this into an inspiring post, but I am discovering more and more that I am codependent. And a phone call with my mam tonight confirms some very dysfunctional stuff in our family, as she acts like she is fully helpless and ‘cannot do anything’, which is not true, as she did sign some very important papers as ‘she had no other option’. And the strange thing to me is still that she says she ‘does everything’ for her children, especially me, but when I want or need something from her ‘she cannot do it’.

Anyhow, I don’t want to talk about my mam, but it seems there is a lot of codependent behavior in my family, where probably I and my sister are the ‘target’ of my mams codependency. And somehow my dad was also a ‘target’, as I saw my mam do everything for him, instead of setting healthy boundaries. And my dad must have been part of the system that kept it all going also, ‘needing my mam’.

So I found myself in this weird discussion with my mam where I tried to settle some stuff related to the death of my sister last week. As my mam, my other sister and I are the heirs of my sister and responsible of arranging the legal stuff. And to me it is relatively simple to settle the inheritance of my sister as she was a special child living in a mental institution. This means she only has a few thing like a closet, a bed, clothes, some toys, etc and some money on the bank. And most of the financial stuff I know as I used to be her curator, being responsible for all the legal stuff.

The strange thing however was that I was no part of any arranging of her funeral as my mam ‘had to follow the undertaker’ and ‘there was no time to involve me’ as I live far away in The Philippines. So I tried to involve myself by asking if the undertaker could call me to set up a video connection as I was not able and willing to go to The Netherlands and with current technology it shouldn’t be that difficult to be present through some video conferencing system. Even the common Skype would do perfect for that purpose and only requires internet and a laptop or something. But no, nobody called me, even though there were two days available to arrange something like that. And as far as I know undertakers always work under time pressure, so my request or anything ‘there is no time’ doesn’t make any sense to me.

Anyhow, when Thursday afternoon and evening Philippine time, which is the Dutch morning and beginning of the afternoon nothing had happened, I knew nothing would be arranged anymore, as the funeral was Friday morning Dutch time. So I decided to just make my own plans and let the funeral be, even though it hurt a little, but not that much.

And right now I find myself in the same situation. As my mam somehow has instructed a notary public to deal with things like payment of the funeral and other bills. Which to me she does not even have the right to, at least not on behalf of the heirs, but that’s not the point. So I had this discussion with her yesterday, that Suzan, my other sister, she and I could just arrange the stuff ourselves and that I am even willing to do most of the work. And as she got very upset yesterday because ‘bills have to be paid’ and ‘maybe there is not enough money’ to pay for the funeral, I decided to not push through yesterday with deciding who is going to do what.

But today I got the feeling to call her again, especially as I found out that my mams notary had been sending e-mails to third parties about legal stuff they don’t have the right to as far as I know. And again, they fully bypassed me, where I expected a phone call or e-mail from them to check with me how I thought things should be handled. And maybe also because I know all the details about Janneke’s finance. I mean, it’s easiest to check those things with me, as I have the overview.

But no, nothing, not even after I sent them an e-mail that I felt a bit bypassed, being the brother and one of the heirs.

So I called again. And ended up in the same discussion, my mam kind of blaming me that she can’t sleep because of, well, it seems money problems, where as far as I know Janneke has enough capital. So contrary to my mam I am more worried about inheritance tax that needs to be paid than about not enough money available for the funeral or stone repair as she is buried in a family grave. So while I was trying to get an answer how my mam, Suzan and I would like to have all these legal things arranged, my mam had only one solution: the notary public who is going to pay the bills. And in my opinion he can’t do that, as he would need the permission of all three of us to do that. But for my mam there is only one way: the notary is going to do this as ‘there is no other way’.

So I am trying to learn from this, like if my mam is also codependent and if I am a bit like my mam, do I behave the same in similar or other situations? And if so, how can I change that, so a ‘normal’ negotiation would be possible?

And another thing I am trying to learn is how to deal with this person who has only one solution in mind and doesn’t want to budge. As I also want something, and that is just a decision on how we are going to do all this. And yes, maybe there is a similarity, as I also want that ‘now, now, now’, where there is no real time pressure.

Ah, but one thing I think I learned, and that is not giving in to the sad stories of my mam. The ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do anything’ thing. As that is just not true, that is just victim behavior. And indeed, I am not responsible for my mams feelings as she chooses this behavior (which is not easy, as I know she is really worried and does not sleep).

So for now I decided just to lie low and do nothing, but somehow that feels like passive aggressive behavior. And this means I still have something to learn, similar to find a way to communicate with my sister, who at the moment only wants to communicate through WhatsApp, something I don’t use and yes, installed on one of our computers giving in to my sister.

Updating my desire document

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I just made a major update to my desire document. And I was scared doing that, as some dates had passed and I had not achieved the goals that were written by those dates, far from it.

But I had planned it for today, so I had no option but to do it. As I have decided to finish my daily planned items, no matter what. And yes, of course sometimes there are circumstances that I can’t finish it. Like when I am traveling (and as I also have decided not to have a tablet, not to have continuous internet access). And sometimes I forget to write things down correctly, like if things depend on other people and I didn’t write ‘if it pushes through’ or ‘if the other person agrees’. But in general it is very rare that I don’t finish my daily list. And yes, sometimes the list is empty, like when I know I am traveling or something.

But I don’t want to talk about my daily planning today, I wanted to talk about my experience with updating my desire document, an experience I was scared of.

And as usual I was wrong, being scared of something. As my desire document is there to help me and not to scare me. And it did, in an unimaginable way, for more than two years now. And I just checked the date of the original document that became the basis of my desire document, which is October 22,2 014. And the first ‘readable’ version must have been written November 11, 2014, so a little more than two years ago. And of course the major things are just there, nothing really changed, except that I kind of made it more specific, made it even much ‘tighter’ than the original document.

And I am still looking for words to describe what has happened to me, what an enormous power a desire document summons. As when I wrote down my original desires they were completely impossible, or at least they appeared, they felt impossible. And quite soon after the most impossible thing became quite likely. And over the last two years I slowly found myself living the document, which was and is kind of strange. As the document still contains a lot of unrealized goals and, as indicated above, I passed some dates for some important goals without realizing them. But somehow I am just living the document, living my impossible goals from two years ago.

And it is hard to explain how it works, but it works indeed somehow like influencing your subconscious mind. And I noticed that when I realized that when I first started with phrase like ‘I desire to have 1 million dollar’ (no, that’s not in the actual document, as I consider that private), when reading the document over time this felt inadequate, as it felt like it should be ‘I have 1 million dollar’. So in general actual the opposite happened as what I was scared of: I made the document more specific and more in the now than in the future.

So today I made some major updates, basically because some dates had passed. And strangely enough, the new document is more specific, more in the ‘now’ than the original. And no, nothing really changed related to my desires, they are still the same. They just came closer with this new version of my desire document.