Tag Archives: Desire

Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?

Self analysis, question 25

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My desk I was just thinking I have a smartphone now so I can make photo’s, something I longed for for quite a while as before I regularly wrote posts where I would want to add photo’s about things I was writing about, like the view or the house or the surroundings or the water system. But since I have a camera (through this smartphone) I didn’t see any need for posting photo’s with any of the articles. Strange isn’t it? So even now I wouldn’t know what would be an appropriate photo for this article as I am still working my way through the self analysis questions, but who knows where this article goes, so maybe I’ll add something. And if not I am quite sure in the future there will be many occasions where I could add photo’s. Or maybe just make a photo of my desk right now?

And strange to see how technology evolves, as I installed Dropbox on my smartphone and allowed it to put photo’s I am making straight ‘in the cloud’. So while writing my photo’s are being copied from my smartphone to the internet to my computer, so they go a long way while the devices are just next to each other. And that makes me think about distance as recently I saw some shows on TV about the Universe. And the Universe is huge, meaning reaching anything even with the space of light is still very slow, where for humans the speed of light is unimaginably fast. So yes, in a way the distance my photo’s just traveled are very small compared to the size of the Universe, almost the same as the distance between my smartphone and my computer. Where to me the distance the photo’s traveled is enormous, as they probably traveled out of the country and back into the country, maybe even through the United States, which is fifteen thousand kilometers away.

Anyhow, that is not what I wanted to write about as I wanted to write about “Do you have a definite major purpose, and if so, what is it, and what plan have you for achieving it?”. And while reading this question I can straight away see a relation with the photo of my desk, as you may see that there are some photo’s around my desk that represent things I want to achieve. And on the window on the other side, the direction I am looking at, there are more photo’s and they are all related to my definite purpose or things I want to achieve.

So yes, I do have a definite major purpose and until now I decided to keep it to myself as I consider it something private, even though some friends may be able to guess what it is. And maybe you are able to guess what it is or could be as sometimes I make some statements about it in this site. And strange, as I always think I don’t have a plan how to achieve it, but somehow I have as there are things written in my definite purpose document I always relate to, so somehow my definite purpose is slowly being cut up in smaller peaces that are more easy to handle.

And funny, looking at the photo, as Iwa is sitting on the chair in front of them and she is the one I was thinking about when thinking about making photos with my smartphone and posting them in this site or my Dutch blog. So again, the subconscious mind or Infinite Intelligence seems to be at work here, tonight.

So what is my definite purpose about? Well, simple, about love, romantic love. And about sharing that in the world. And in order to achieve that I need money and fame. And I also found out that I just want to be rich, really rich and enjoy that. So somehow I also fitted that in. And somehow also things like giving are part of it, and being patient.

And yes, the strange thing is that since I started with that document, wrote the initial version and later refined it, somehow I am living it, somehow I am getting closer to my goals, to my definite purpose. And while writing this is that somehow Infinite Intelligence is helping me and answering one of my desires in my desire document. As one of my requests to Infinite Intelligence in that document is to help me with planning, as I consider planning one of my weaknesses.

So again, while writing this article I see my desire document unfold, come to life.

God is great! Thank you, Lord.

Self analysis, question 22

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It is late and I am very tired and I am not sure if I am sacrificing my private life too much, but I still want to stick to my daily writing, so I’ll just continue with question 22: “How many preventable disturbances annoy you, and why do you tolerate them?”.

And here again, a small detail, as with some questions before: the word preventable. So again Napoleon Hill implies there are things you cannot prevent, you cannot control, something I believed is not true.

And that is still the hard part of life I guess, deciding what is preventable and what is not, what is controllable and what is not.

And next thing that makes me think here is what a disturbance is. As the first thing that comes in my mind is ‘debt’ and the second thing is ‘house’. And the third thing is partner. But these things are not ‘disturbances’, or are they?

And are they preventable? Yes, I could sell the house and pay all my debts. And I could leave my partner and live ‘free’. But those two things happen to be the most important things in my life, as I believe in lifetime relationships and I believe in something like ‘home’. So why do I allow the disturbance ‘debt’ in my life, well, because there are things that are more important to me than that.

Still, I am suffering from that and I still don’t fully know why. As somehow I made and make definite decisions about this. And again, there is a preventable disturbance related to ‘debt’, even if I want to keep the house and stay with my partner. As I am quite sure there are better places in the world to earn money than Cagayan de Oro City in The Philippines. So I could just leave and pay off my debt and return when I have enough money to live from or invest in something new or existing.

But again, what keeps me from doing that is that I don’t believe in long distance relationships and that I don’t want to run away anymore and make it work here, not somewhere else.

But are these wise choices? I guess not, at least that is what most people would say? But who are most people?

Self Analysis, question 17

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Ah, today’s question is an interesting one: “Do you tolerate negative or discouraging influences which you can avoid?”. And the interesting part is the ‘you can avoid’, as somehow related to anything ‘success’, relating to successful people I have the feeling that they just made it through their own effort. And even Think and Grow Rich states something like that. But this question implies there are things you cannot avoid. Or could it be it is just challenging you, challenging me to also think about what you can avoid and what not?

So do I tolerate negative or discouraging influences. Yes, I certainly do, as I consider my partner as a negative influence on my life. But he is my partner and I don’t want to leave me. And somehow my house is a negative influence as it is too big and too expensive to maintain in my current situation. And the place where I live somehow has a negative influence on my life, but as I love the house I want to stay here and rather make the place a positive place than moving elsewhere because that would be easier.

So this is a very interesting self analysis question as it makes me think again about how I choose in life, what I chose, somehow whatever the consequences. And those two things, my partner and my house, are life choices for me that I don’t want to change. And somehow they go back to what I learned about definite purpose and sticking with decisions, or at least change them slowly if ever.

And still, no matter how bad my situation is, no matter how bad I often feel, somehow I have gotten stronger, much stronger the last two years since I started reading Think and Grow Rich and working from it.

So yes, I choose some negative influences I can avoid as I don’t want to run away anymore. This time I want to stick around and make it work.

Self analysis, question 16

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A strange question to me for today as it relates to the origin of Inspiration for Success: “Who has the most inspiring influence upon you? What is the cause?” as I didn’t feel inspired especially by my dad and am slowly realizing that it was not only my dad that kind of killed things in me.

So who has the most inspiring influence on me? Well, the first person that comes into my mind is Donald Trump and the second person is Richard Branson; and third Alden Tan. And then I got a flash of Cesar Millan.

And the above makes me think, like it seems somehow I do have people who inspire me where I thought I had none. And there are more, as also Leo Babauta’s e-mails and posts inspire me.

So who has the most inspiring influence on me? Well, maybe Donald Trump as to me he is rich and famous and kind of ‘manly self confident’. And somehow this is strange as somehow I don’t like him at all. And his story is also not that inspiring as he started quite well off and quite successful as far as I know.

So yes, I am still looking for financial riches and I am still looking for fame. But then what is inspiring about Donald Trump? And what could or should I learn from him? Or what do I want to learn from him?

And the last brings me to that I have more and more the feeling that I have to do it my own way, that I need to stop looking to other people, comparing myself to other people, being jealous of other people. As they are not me and I am not them. I have my unique set of talents and weaknesses and whatever a human being has. And that’s got to be enough to find what I am looking for.

Strange, how this post goes…