Tag Archives: Receiving

Frustration

I am mainly frustrated because I don’t have, or think I don’t have what I want. Or maybe I am mainly frustrated because I don’t know how to get what I want. But I think I never really wrote down what I want in a tangible way. Like mostly I say something like “I want my old life back, but in a better, more healthy way”, but I never really specified that I think. And with “my old life” I mainly mean the life Lee and I had together from 2003 to 2010 or so. But I also mean part of the life I had before, when I traveled the world together with Nico. As yes, that was fantastic, even though there was an underlying problem in our relationship most of the time. And the same was true in the time I was with Lee. I was happy and in love and we had a good life, but some things were wrong, very wrong I know now. And I guess it was the same or a similar thing going on. And I guess it goes back to codependency and to not loving myself and not having a spiritual foundation I could build from. And as I have been working very hard on the last I may be much closer to what I want than I think, even though it does not feel that way. Actually I feel worse than ever in my life before, even though I had a very bad time when I was a student, also being very depressed and suicidal. I remember driving on my Yamaha XZ550S and thinking with almost every truck I encountered whether I would drive into it or not. Well, somehow I didn’t, and I still don’t know why, as it would have been so easy.

Fantastic

And thinking of that bike, riding it was really fantastic. It was the best thing I ever did and I still miss it. And amazing I did not kill myself with it at the time, as I was young and could drive pretty fast most of the time on ordinary roads in The Netherlands, like 150 km/h, yes, really, 150 km/h on average country roads.

And yes, I consider myself a safe driver, not really taking risks, but 150 km/h on country roads, even good roads, is pretty fast, way too fast looking back, but I did it, and I never had an accident at the time. And I guess that is amazing, looking how much I used that bike as it was also my daily means of transportation, going anywhere I wanted and needed to go.

And I realize now that at the time nobody really knew me, how I enjoyed that bike and also how fast I drove and such. I guess at the time I was also already pretty alone, pretty lonely, very lonely.

But that is a sideline, although it brings me back to what I want, and also to thinking about how it all happened, why went down the drain so far and so deep.

Finance, money

As at the time I was very lonely and was already looking for a lover and partner I could not find. But what I had was safety, basically in the form of money. And some kind of outlook to the future as I was studying at the highest level University in The Netherlands and was supposed to get a good job after I was finished. And yes, maybe I was spoiled, getting Dfl. 1,000.00 per month as study allowance from my dad. And I got Dfl. 10,000.00 savings on my 18^th birthday or something. Or my 21^st , I don’t remember.

So that is what I want, feel financially safe again, as at the time I felt financially safe. Every month Dfl. 1,000.00 was deposited in my account and I had a few thousand guilders as savings. As right now I feel completely unsafe financially, as I don’t have enough money coming in on a monthly basis to sustain my current lifestyle. And my current lifestyle may be still pretty high, but it does not feel like extraordinary, especially not related to how I lived before, until 2001 or so.

And strange, writing this, as it seems financial security is the most important thing for me in life. As yes, I used to want a regular sex life, preferably, or actually only, through having a lifetime lover and partner, but I am pretty sure the last can be found if I am financially secure, if I feel financially secure. As, and I never realized this before, money CAN buy some kind of safety, some kind of security, some kind of feeling secure and safe. And I still believe if I would have been able to earn enough, pull of Active Discovery Designs in a way it would earn enough money to sustain our lifestyle, Lee would still be with me, would not have left me. Shortage of money, financial insecurity, seems to be a very bad thing, at least for me.

The good life

So what does “the good life” mean to me? Or what did it mean to me before and what would I want to get back or what do I want to retain? And what would I like to be changed, what would I like to be better?

Well, let me try to make a list:

With Nico we often went out during weekends, mostly on initiative of Nico, some things I did on my initiative. And strange, looking back, I mostly, or virtually always joined Nico in his quests, in his hobbies, but he hardly joined mine. Or is that not true?
With NIco, and also before, I had at least one large holiday per year, four weeks going some place far away, yes, as a tourist.
With Nico I often went away for a weekend, to Berlin, or Paris, or some other place. Mostly camping, sometimes in hotels.
With Nico I mostly had at least one extra week of holiday, going to Greece or something, but I also remember Portugal. And sometimes also just by car, to Eastern Germany or something.
With Nico I often went out to good restaurants, like at least once a month, have a good night out having a very nice dinner. I miss that so much. Ah, and yes, Nico still does that. So weird he can and I can’t anymore. And I know with Lee that didn’t really work the same way, but still.
With Nico there was enough money, so we could buy basically anything we wanted, especially food and such, but we also had nice furniture and things like that. And cars of course, each one car.
With Lee I often went to the beach, yes, with the dogs, or with friends. I miss that so much, would like to do that again.
With Lee I often went to Davao, visit family, or make other trips, yes, by car.
We often went to the land in Salumay and made plans, worked there, had plans for the future there.
We mostly held hands while driving. I love that feeling of being together, of being lovers. I miss that so much.
With Lee as well as with Nico I really felt like being a couple. That feels so good to me.
I would want the life at The Malasag House like before, when I was just working and Lee taking care of the house and guests and the garden, and inviting friends and guests.

What would I like to change, what would I want to be better? Well, this I guess:

I would want to have a private sex life, just the two of us enjoying sex, enjoying making love, not the crazy sauna things and other things Nico and I did to escape our terrible difference in how to deal with sex. And not the things I did and still do when I feel Lee is not close to me, when he is not my lover. Or when he just (still) rejects me.
I would like to be more like friends with my partner, just being able to talk about anything, discuss anything, without any fear. I guess I could combine that now with being lovers. That would be so great, being friends and partners and lovers at the same time. Who wouldn’t want that?
I would not want to have that terrible feeling as I had when we had the Landcruiser, like something was terribly wrong. And various things were very wrong related to that.
I wouldn’t want Lee to just leave, like what he did when he bought his property in Siargao. I want to stay together, do things together. Strangely enough I would want to be able to travel alone for my business, going around the world when I am rich and famous.
Find a way to also have my own friends at The Malasag House, independent from Lee.

Ah, and my codependent treats come out so well making above list, as I often want to write ‘we’ instead of ‘I’, for things I did.

Summary

So what do I want, summarizing the above? Well, this I guess:

Financial security.
Some future outlook.
“The good life”, like before, but then without the catch.

My trip in 2016

Leave a reply

At the end of 2016 I made a trip, a four week trip, and while writing it is still 2016, only two weeks or so after I returned from my trip. And I wrote several posts already about this trip, but I wanted to add a post about the journey I made, the places I visited, the route I followed, so I am starting that now here.

And I am not fully sure when I started my trip, but as far as I remember it was November 16, 2016, a Thursday if I remember well. And of course I can check that date, as there must be messages or photos or whatever relating to that date, or the days after. And it was weird how this trip started, as at first it was a long time suggestion of my (ex-)partner. And no, I still don’t know if he is my ex or if he is still my partner. He says he is not, but somehow we are still related, still connected. He is even still here, even though I asked him to stay away from me, from here, as I wanted to recover from the loss, from him leaving me.

But that is another story and I don’t really want to write about that here now, or maybe not even at all, although that may be also good. As I have learned that sharing helps, sharing anything, can even inspire other people, no matter how weird or sad or bad the story is.

Anyhow, so I left on I think November 16, 2016, and yes, it was my own choice. And at the time I was kind of running away, away from home, away from Malasag, away from my obligations, away from the dogs, away from everything. And yes, looking back I needed it, looking back my (ex-)partner was right, I really needed a break, away from everything, as I had been stuck for quite a while, actually a very long time, in Malasag, in my home, The Malasag House.

And it was hard leaving, as I did not know whether I could trust my (ex-)partner with everything, as he had offered to take care of everything while I would be away. I did not know if I could trust him with the house, the stuff inside, the dogs, everything. But somehow I knew I needed to get away, get out, to “find myself” as my (ex-)partner called what he suggested I would do. So finally I did.

And right now I planned to make an overview of my trip, like a summary of the route I took, the places I visited:

My first stop was Butuan, where I changed bus. And it was a stop, as I had a nice conversation with one of the shop keepers. I don’t recall his name now, but maybe I will later. Actually my first good experience, as I had many, many good experiences during my trip.
My second stop was Maasin, where I had planned to stay, as someone I knew who I wanted to visit had not replied. And here the first miracle happened, as just when I was about to tell the conductor I wanted to continue to Ormoc, the destination of the bus, I received a text from my friend that he would like me to visit him. So I got off the bus in Maasin.
After getting off the bus in Maasin I realized I was already too far, quite a bit too far, as my friend lives in Sogod, a municipality about one and a half hour away by public transport from Maasin. As I really wanted to see him I decided to go back, back to Sogod.
Sogod was my first real stop, the first place where I felt safe and comfortable after kind of running away from home, from Malasag. And I forgot how long I stayed. I think it was three nights. And it was good being with a friend, being with a family, being with people that felt good, that I trusted, even though I barely knew them. So yes, there are people everywhere where a human being can stay, no matter what. I was very grateful staying there, even though they were very poor, so I even had to sleep on a bed without a mattress, but I felt safe and comfortable and taken care of.
After Sogod I left for Legazpi, my first real planned stop, as before leaving Malasag my first planned itinerary was go to Manila by bus, but make a stop over in Legazpi as I thought it was too long a trip to go to Manila in one setting. I also had never been in Legazpi, and while researching my trip I found it is a tourist destination, so it sounded like a good first stop. And it was.
And again, several miracles happened, first just finding a hotel very easily and smoothly after being dropped off the bus in what looked like a very strange location, and after when leaving Legazpi, just getting a bus ticket and a bus by some hunch I got while waiting for my phone to charge.
My next stop was Boracay. And getting there was really a crazy trip, but I loved it, even though I decided not to push through getting there through Masbate, a route that looked shorter, but also looked very adventurous and unsure. Reason to go there was that a friend of mine is working there and as we were never able to meet, due to budget constraints, I decided to go there. And doing it at this part of my trip was because he had planned to leave for Manila a few days o after, so we might have been able to travel together, as my next planned stop was still Manila. I also had never been to Boracay, and living in The Philippines for so long I really wanted to go there, even though I expected not to like it there. How wrong was I, as I really loved Boracay after arriving there, staying there for a few days.
After my (first) stay in Boracay I finally went to what had been my first goal as a destination: Manila. I arrived there early morning waiting for a friend to wake up as I had asked him if I could go there and have breakfast as I was too early to check in in the hotel I booked. I stayed two nights in Manila before going to the main goal of this trip: Luzon, and then go to the most northern tip, which would be the farthest (north) I had planned to go on this trip.
My next goal after Manila was Pagudpud, as I decided to first go to the farthest point and then slowly go down, visiting the Baguio/Sagada area, another goal of this trip as I have been living in The Philippines for a long time, but never went to that popular area. Unfortunately, or looking back maybe fortunately, there was no direct bus from Manila to Pagudpud at the time I had planned to leave, so I decided to go to Laoag instead, and go from there.
So I think something like my first goal not reached, as I had planned to go to Pagudpud and not to Laoag.

But it seemed God had planned something better for me than I had done, as I visited a Dutch friend that I knew from the internet and he toured me around Laoag for about the whole first day I was in Laoag.
The next day I still went to Pagudpud on a day trip, so I did reach that goal also, although that day I did not reach my main destination of my trip: the northern tip of Luzon. Again, not reaching that goal was a lesson for me, and a deliberate choice, as I did not want to end up as I had ended up one day in Boracay: totally wet and with a broken umbrella.
Then the next day I wanted to reach the Sagada area, preferably via the shortcut via Cervantes. And my target, my goal was Bontoc, a municipality somewhere in the middle of the Sagada area that seemed a good starting point for my next target, probably Baguio. And this was the second time I did not reach my goal for a day. As when I arrived in Cervantes there was no more transportation to Bontoc, so I ended up in Bauko. And again, not reaching my goal was not a bad thing as I ended up in a very nice inn, Domog Village Inn Bistro and Café. You can read more in the post Unexpected Baguio.
The next day I indeed reached Bontoc, but basically only passed through as I had decided to make some kind of round trip in the Sagada area. So my next target was Banaue.
And again, God changed my plan, as when arriving in Banaue I was not able to find immediate transportation to Baguio City. But that was a very positive experience, as it gave me the opportunity to roam around in Banaue for a few hours, enough for me to get the feel of a place before moving on. You can read more about my Sagada experience in my post about Laguna.
After Banaue my plan was to go back to Manila, passing through Baguio. And the last was a big detour, but I wanted to be able to say I have been to Baguio as that is a very famous place in North Luzon. I ended up only staying five minutes on Baguio soil, as the van dropped me off at the bus station and a bus to Manila was already waiting. But at least I have been to Baguio LOL, so I don’t have to explain I went to North Luzon and did not visit Baguio.
The trip from Banaue to Manila lasted much longer than I expected, so I arrived or would arrive in Manila somewhere in the (early) morning. As the friends I wanted to visit were not available I decided to skip Manila and continue to my next stop, Liliw, where a friend of mine is living I wanted to visit and already agreed with I could stay for one or more nights.
After two or three nights in Liliw I decided to continue my journey and go to Boracay again as I had enjoyed Boracay so much. This meant going to Batangas again to probably cross over to Calapan, take a van again to Roxas or Bulalacao. So I did, traveled overnight from Liliw to Boracay through San Pablo, Batangas, Calapan, Roxas and Caticlan (of course).
I think I spent two nights in Boracay again and it was indeed a similar experience as the first time. I enjoyed very much being a tourist again in a place focused on tourism. My last night was kind of weird, a prayer being answered in a way nobody could have ever imagined. I still don’t understand how that was organized.
I left Boracay early morning towards my next stop: Iloilo City, where I was planning to meet a friend, which I did. I only stayed one night and the morning and around noon I left for my next stop: Bacolod, where I was hoping to meet a friend.
As my friend did not respond I decided to continue to basically my last destination: Dumaguete, a city I know pretty well as I have been there many times.
…

And right now I feel like I have to stop writing here, as it just doesn’t feel good anymore, but of course I will continue the description of my itinerary later. Actually I was writing about planning. And planning, good planning, happy planning, relates to this trip, so that is why I (also) wanted to write about this trip. As I reached all my goals, or virtually all my goals during this trip, and I wanted to know how I did that, as in real life things seem to be so hard and impossible, where during this trip everything went smooth, even though often I was still scared and anxious, especially when I thought of my next destination, how I would get there and if there would be a place to sleep, a place to stay. And amazingly, or maybe not so amazing, there was always a place to stay, always a place to sleep, always transportation. And there were always people, helpful people. And even more amazing, none of my fears came true, literally none. Or maybe one or two did, but solutions were available, and the found solutions for the fears that came true were even better or at least as good as my original goal or plan.

So yes, this trip was (also) about fear, about conquering my fears. And as said NONE of those fears became reality in a way that was scary or something. NONE.

Life

Leave a reply

So I got this life. And I don’t feel happy. And they say I can make a new start any day, any moment, and of course that is true.

However, I have a lot of things around me, have ‘history’, have things I feel responsible for, have things I want or maybe need to solve, so somehow it is true I can start anew, make a new start, but somehow also not.

And I am thinking a lot if I am codependent to my dogs, as often I ‘use’ the dogs to do things or not to do things. Somehow they prevent me from starting a new life elsewhere, as I feel responsible for them, feel connected to them, don’t want to leave them behind, as I think they would be less off without me than with me. And recently I just don’t know if that is really true, as they may just be happy with someone else or somewhere else. And I can’t even take care of them properly, as I don’t have the funds to buy proper medicines or even things like vitamins or proper vaccination. But yes, somehow they like me, somehow they are connected to me, somehow I am their (pack) leader. And for them that seems even better than having proper food or vitamins or medicines, the being with me.

Then I have this house, live in this house, that I love very much and that is also my home. But it is too expensive, I can’t properly maintain it, pay the mortgage, pay the property taxes and things like that. And of course it makes sense to sell it, just leave and find something else, find somewhere else to stay. But I don’t have any idea where to go or what would be a better place to stay than here in The Malasag House.

And somehow in the end it seems all to boil down to ‘money‘, and I have no clue why, or more like why I have not been able to find a way to receive enough money to do the things I want or need or think I need. And I use the word ‘receive’ intentionally, as I know now having money is not really about ‘earning’, something I always believed, something I grew up with, that money needs to be earned. And ‘earning’ means working hard, or maybe working long and hard. And yes, money can be earned by working long and hard, as I used to work long and hard, and indeed that ‘earned’ me quite some money. But somewhere on the way something changed, or something went wrong, as I kept working hard, but slowly I lost everything, even though part of that is due to simply overspending, simply spending more money than was available or came in.

And that brings me to another part of my ‘history’, as I am in debt, I have quite a big debt I have no clue how to pay back, as my income is not even enough to pay the interest on that debt, even though Is started reserving 10% of my earnings for debt payment, which I think was and is a good thing, a clever thing, as it gave me some of my self worth back, just working on paying that debt. But the last few months I hardly earned anything and used my emergency fund, a fund I started a few months ago by saving 10% of my earnings also there.

And of course I could just leave everything behind and just start somewhere new, but somehow that is theory and in practice I think very hard to achieve or do.

And yes, I know somehow my history, my past experiences block me from doing things, trying things, like I believe that I can never work again in a nine to five job, or basically I just don’t want to. But somehow that may be the beginning of something new and I might even like it, but my previous experiences make me believe now that I am not good in working nine to five jobs, working for a ‘boss’.

And yes, I know I am good at many things, have many talents and a lot of experience with many things, like web development, computer and network installation, even more advanced things and dog training.

But it is all pretty specialized knowledge and experience I have and it has proven not being easy to find people or companies needing that. And yes, I know about marketing, internet marketing, advertising, and have been even quite successful with some of it, but somehow I can’t seem to market myself, my service, my knowledge, my experience.

Like I have a lot of knowledge with setting up and maintaining a Microsoft Windows server network with replication, so I hardly ever lose any data as I have everything copied automatically to ‘the other’ location. Like last weekend one of my main servers had a big accident, and yes, it took and is taking me quite some effort to get everything back as I want to, but I did not really spend a lot of time and effort on it.

And I have been learning a lot about dogs and dog training the last half year since I started doing a similar thing as Cesar Millan does, so I would call myself an expert on some of that, even though I still have a lot to learn. But I am sure that I can help a lot of people dealing better with their dogs, and I did, but somehow the flow of clients dried up, even though I did some effort with advertising again recently.

Ah, so I am back to kind of diary type writing here. Not sure if that works, but then again, it is just me. And I would love to improve this article, this blog post, but maybe I won’t, maybe I will just keep on writing, making new blog posts.

Like in this article I want to add some photos and links, but I don’t feel like it right now and yes, I also tend to just post the article, even though it is not fully finished.

So I will do so now, and see what happens after.

Tradition eleven

1 Reply

“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven” and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.

God and Gratitude and Success

Leave a reply

For quite a while I want to start writing here, but I couldn’t find the power (strength?) for it. I guess the main reason was and is that I am, or at least feel, completely unsuccessful. Actually my situation got worse, at least financially, at least that is how it feels. And no, I am not fully sure, as I still have quite a lot of capital invested, e.g. in The Malasag House. And I am or was still not able to get enough or more clients, and my dog training start up appears to not have been successful also. I thought finally God gave me something that worked, that I could put myself into and be successful with, but no.

And even money was stolen from my Savings Box, finally even the whole box was gone. I still don’t know exactly was the message of that. Yes, be careful with money, keep it safe and guarded. I now remember Napoleon Hill wrote something about that in Think and Grow Rich, that people do anything for money. So apparently they do. And to me it was not even money, it was just a symbol how you can create a lot over time from virtually nothing. But apparently it was not ‘nothing’ anymore. And of course it was ‘money’ for other people. And yes, of course also for me, as I wanted to use the money to buy a new Rottweiler.

So what made me write today? Well, I guess the progress I made through my Twelve Step Program, the results from that even. And somehow it seems to all go back to Infinite Intelligence and ‘go with the flow’. And a main keyword seems to be gratitude, be grateful.

I guess it all started to be more positive when I got a Rottweiler for free last week; yes, for free. And the strange thing is that I prayed for that ‘a Rottweiler for free’. And I lost my belief in God, the God from the bible, long time ago, but recently I started praying, started praying again, yes, somehow to that God. And amazingly last week I got a Rottweiler for free. (Of course) there was some kind of catch, but nonetheless, who gets a Rottweiler for free? And I am not even sure if I asked for it or told anybody related to Arf, the Rottweiler I got. So it was really a miracle, a Rottweiler offered to me.

Another thing I started more serious with recently was keeping a gratitude diary. I did that before, but this time I decided to write five things I am grateful for every day in a diary every night before I go to sleep. It was a suggestion from my sponsor and at first I was very skeptical and hesitant, but she kept insisting ‘just do it’, so somehow I did it, no, not believing at first.

But somehow it started to work and I have indeed no clue how. Somehow I started becoming more grateful for things even during daytime, no matter what ‘bad’ things are happening to me, with me. And against what I was expecting, like that I was forcing it, I can really be grateful for almost anything, in any circumstance. As I am starting to see there are always things I can be grateful for. Like even things that I was able to just eat or that I still live in a beautiful house (even though I can’t really afford it at the moment and it is kind of falling apart due to lack of maintenance). But the house is still there and the view is still beautiful, even one of the most beautiful views in the world, and it is just a functioning house, no matter the state of maintenance.

Or that I can still buy snacks in the city, just a drink or a candy bar or something. Or just go to McDonalds and treat myself eating out, not cooking myself. Or indeed things that I can still breathe; and that the air I breathe is free. And I don’t mean the last one as corny, I can really feel that, mean that.

And amazingly, apparently linked to being more grateful (instead of complaining), more good things seem to come to me. Like I was introduced to some religious fellowship and there is just food available, food for free. And I don’t mean to take advantage of that, but financially I am very tight, so I just accept it as, indeed, a gift of God, not a gift from people. And of course I hope one day I can do for other people what people are doing for me right now, but it doesn’t feel like abuse or something to me right now, where before it would.

So praying and being grateful somehow seem to work. And no, don’t ask me how, but apparently it does. I guess I am just more open to everything, to the Universe (or God) working in ways I don’t understand, never could imagine. And that is something I also learned from my Twelve Step Program, something like ‘it works’ (or it doesn’t). I don’t need to understand why something is working or not working. I can just accept it, also accepting I don’t know everything, don’t have all the answers, something that was, and kind of still is, very difficult for me to accept, as I don’t understand it. And my analytical mind wants to understand everything, control everything. But indeed, somehow we are not in control, somehow there is a God, or an Infinite Intelligence, that is working in different ways than I as a human can understand.

So yes, I want to suggest to start to be grateful, start trying to find (five) things to be grateful for every day and write them down. And start praying, praying to whatever Higher Power makes sense to you, whatever Higher Power you can somehow find some belief in if you don’t believe in God or something.

As that is what I am learning, seeing and believing more and more. That there must be something bigger than what we humans are. There must be, as there are things outside of us out of our control.