Tag Archives: Spiritual

Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?

Finding weaknesses

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I was very down this morning, mainly triggered by an e-mail I received yesterday, an e-mail with an attachment I was too scared to open. And with in mind that with that kind of state of mind I wouldn’t go anywhere I just decided to wait, do nothing, based on the ideas of the Law of Attraction. But as a human is not built for doing nothing finally I decided to play the mp3 version of the CD about guided breathing from Allan Sweeney (not sure if the CD on that page is the same as my mp3 file) I once found. And normally I follow the instructions on that CD, but this time I mainly bobbed along just listening to it as I know it has a calming effect on me.

And amazingly, from my earlier state of mind, listening to the CD calmed me quite a bit, even so much that after that I started reading again in Think and Grow Rich, something that often helps me get going again. And I ended up at the end of the last chapter, the chapter about the Six Ghosts of Fear, as that is what I am working on right now. And reading that I was thinking about the results of the self analysis I have been working on for the last weeks here in public. As I understand the purpose of the self analysis, the self analysis questions is to find weaknesses and cure them. And that is something I didn’t really work on until now I think. And it is something about controlling your mind and I still didn’t master that.

But still, how to get from a negative mindset to a positive? And how to get from negative circumstances to positive circumstances? And how to shield your mind from negative influences, either by yourself or by others?

Maybe I should just set that as some goal in my daily planning, to write about that, do something about that. What about you?

Self analysis, question 25

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My desk I was just thinking I have a smartphone now so I can make photo’s, something I longed for for quite a while as before I regularly wrote posts where I would want to add photo’s about things I was writing about, like the view or the house or the surroundings or the water system. But since I have a camera (through this smartphone) I didn’t see any need for posting photo’s with any of the articles. Strange isn’t it? So even now I wouldn’t know what would be an appropriate photo for this article as I am still working my way through the self analysis questions, but who knows where this article goes, so maybe I’ll add something. And if not I am quite sure in the future there will be many occasions where I could add photo’s. Or maybe just make a photo of my desk right now?

And strange to see how technology evolves, as I installed Dropbox on my smartphone and allowed it to put photo’s I am making straight ‘in the cloud’. So while writing my photo’s are being copied from my smartphone to the internet to my computer, so they go a long way while the devices are just next to each other. And that makes me think about distance as recently I saw some shows on TV about the Universe. And the Universe is huge, meaning reaching anything even with the space of light is still very slow, where for humans the speed of light is unimaginably fast. So yes, in a way the distance my photo’s just traveled are very small compared to the size of the Universe, almost the same as the distance between my smartphone and my computer. Where to me the distance the photo’s traveled is enormous, as they probably traveled out of the country and back into the country, maybe even through the United States, which is fifteen thousand kilometers away.

Anyhow, that is not what I wanted to write about as I wanted to write about “Do you have a definite major purpose, and if so, what is it, and what plan have you for achieving it?”. And while reading this question I can straight away see a relation with the photo of my desk, as you may see that there are some photo’s around my desk that represent things I want to achieve. And on the window on the other side, the direction I am looking at, there are more photo’s and they are all related to my definite purpose or things I want to achieve.

So yes, I do have a definite major purpose and until now I decided to keep it to myself as I consider it something private, even though some friends may be able to guess what it is. And maybe you are able to guess what it is or could be as sometimes I make some statements about it in this site. And strange, as I always think I don’t have a plan how to achieve it, but somehow I have as there are things written in my definite purpose document I always relate to, so somehow my definite purpose is slowly being cut up in smaller peaces that are more easy to handle.

And funny, looking at the photo, as Iwa is sitting on the chair in front of them and she is the one I was thinking about when thinking about making photos with my smartphone and posting them in this site or my Dutch blog. So again, the subconscious mind or Infinite Intelligence seems to be at work here, tonight.

So what is my definite purpose about? Well, simple, about love, romantic love. And about sharing that in the world. And in order to achieve that I need money and fame. And I also found out that I just want to be rich, really rich and enjoy that. So somehow I also fitted that in. And somehow also things like giving are part of it, and being patient.

And yes, the strange thing is that since I started with that document, wrote the initial version and later refined it, somehow I am living it, somehow I am getting closer to my goals, to my definite purpose. And while writing this is that somehow Infinite Intelligence is helping me and answering one of my desires in my desire document. As one of my requests to Infinite Intelligence in that document is to help me with planning, as I consider planning one of my weaknesses.

So again, while writing this article I see my desire document unfold, come to life.

God is great! Thank you, Lord.

The other side of the river

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In Think and Grow Rich Napoleon Hill writes somewhere about a river, where one side is going ‘down’ towards poverty and the other side is going ‘up’ towards riches. And that image has been stuck in my mind for quite a while. And the strange thing is that until last night I always saw myself ‘in between’, in between the down current and the up current, trying to struggle myself from the down current to the up current. And last night I just felt myself in the up current, all alone, like in the stories that say that the top of the ladder is very empty, where the bottom is very crowded. And it was even more empty than I thought, but it felt good, even though I felt a bit scared as there was so much room and it went pretty fast and I didn’t know where it was going. But it felt good and next to the fear I actually felt excited.

And the strange thing is that in my real life nothing really changed. Actually it got worse, as right now I don’t have any income and debtors are coming after me, which never happened before. So is this then the ‘beyond’ I also read about? That success is ‘beyond’ the worst thing you thought could ever happen? But it also doesn’t feel like that, as somehow I am not scared anymore and somehow I am very scared. And somehow I am numb and somehow I am just, well, not sure how to phrase that.

So somehow exciting times, even though it is somehow worse than ever. And somehow beyond fear. But also beyond sadness, as I am far beyond what my original (and current) conscience approves of.

Tired, tired,tired

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I am very tired, but contrary to my normal tiredness I feel really good as I was somehow pretty busy and achieved many things. And this was not because of persistence, but just because somehow God or Infinite Intelligence was in favor of me or anything that was happening.

So one drawback: I don’t feel like writing anymore. But I do feel good and am happy to share that!